#presevering

No matter how many times I read the bible, every single time when I think to myself "This is as good as it gets, it's straight forward, there's nothing else here..." that's when I find myself being amazed at it again and again...there's ALWAYS something else there...

Thankful to my pastor who decided to help us, the leaders, to become even more rooted into the word of God...It's always a struggle for me to accept who I am, or to even accept the fact that someone as pure and as good as God is can accept me for who I really am...

I did learn something new yet again from a verse where I've read over and over again so many different times in my life.

Romans 8:19...it talks about not giving up...in life there are always trials, tribulations and sufferings...but what do we do about it? Do we just throw in the towel? Or to we keep at it? The verse encourages us to keep going because it is not just US waiting for our own individual breakthroughs just for ourselves...but ALL of creation is waiting together with us! How mind blowing is that?

That last 2KG that needs to be shaken off, that decision to never watch porn ever again, that conviction to never meet up with a guy for personal pleasures ever again....ALL of creation waits eagerly for it to happen...because when it does happen...HIS GLORY is revealed! However the same goes for the opposite reaction...when we throw in that towel....ALL of creation...throws it in together with us...and walks away...what a waste...

AHHHHHHHH I just want to give up and die!! I mean it's so not helping to see pictures on Instagram of my friend who have stuck it up for 2 months and have lost so much weight! What have I lost? 2kg...TWO FREAKING KILOS!! Not only that, I did it again with him...I keep telling myself that I've got to stop doing it and yet I arrange, plan and then go through with it, just for that temporary moment of self indulgence.

Life sucks balls! It really does!! I don't really want to go down that "If only..." lane but lets face it, most of us go through it from time to time, if you disagree with me then I guess you're a psychopathic liar! Too far? WHO CARES!!

Sorry...must be going through my period or maybe a hormone imbalance from my food intake. I don't know what it is, but it's like I want to laugh and cry and rage and be in zen mode all at the same time! Maybe I am the psychopath?

My insides are just churning and churning wondering when is this going to end? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next month? Next year? Or maybe NEVER?

I need to carve it into my heart that I have to stop worrying about these things...I have got to be more proactive about things around me, He can't help me unless I start doing something....

Well my 10 day detox took a down fall today! Today was day 8 but I went overseas for a day trip to Malaysia and....I gave it all up!! My friends were asking if I was sure...and just like that I said "Screw it!" Man I am easily swayed! But completing it for 7 days was a huge accomplishment for me at this time. To me even a 5 days completion would be a good thing, it is always at your own pace!

I am going to try to go for the full 10days again....soon...once I get my hands on the book "Daniel's Diet" I am happy though today :) Still sticking to my 1year fast from rice....that's something that is very important to me!

I am however am on the edge of just doing it again...it is so hard to let go of this guilty pleasure that I have...

For the first time in a long time I found myself lying to my close friend so that I can skip going to church all because I was too lazy to get off my bed to get dressed. I haven't done that in a very long time. Now I am feeling the guilt of it all, which is a good thing I guess but what drove me...To me loving God is so important and going to church is one way of me honoring that love that I have for Him, but today I just felt so *mehz* does that even make sense?

I did however keep to my detox diet and ate only vegetables and fruits, it is getting harder and it is only day 3! I've got another 7 days to go, I am afraid of what I would do after that, will I gorge myself like an abyss or will I stay true to my goals of losing 25kg by the end of the year. I can't keep blaming these emotions and moods on withdrawals but I am just so tempted to.

I guess in life we've just got to push through the darkness that we may feel from time to time knowing, hoping and believing that there is indeed a light at the end of the very long tunnel that we may be in. I am not going to give up, I am thankful that I know a God who understands me completely, who is able to relate, who sees strength in me when all I see are my mistakes and wrong doings. What I need to learn for myself now is to see myself as He sees me for who I am.