since I've spent the last few days rereading a 1 million word fanfic, here's roughly three pages of incredibly disorganized rambling thoughts on soul restoration, the nature of love and how much I adore this goddamn story under a cut, bone apple tea
you know, as I reread PotDK for the fourth time it occurs to me, that while the soul restoration makes Voldemort rapidly lose control of his affection for Harry and of the way that affection and love influence him during the last third of the story, HARRY seems to still be under the impression that if he steps out of line too hard Voldemort WOULD, in fact, do him permanent harm. or... I don't know how to phrase it, but he doesn't seem to get just how much Voldemort cares for him. they're close and all that, they're incredibly intimate with each other and they have all these connections but Harry's internal narration sometimes suggests that he doesn't really grasp how important he really is to Voldemort. I mean, he and Bobby talk abt Harry running away when Harry realizes that he is actually the child of prophecy and he clearly thinks that Voldemort would straight up murder him if he got to know the truth. which I find... interesting, to say the least, bc I'm... not actually SURE if Voldemort would??? kill him, that is??? or rather, I'm not sure if he COULD. I know I've said this before on here, but I maintain that Voldemort LOVES Harry. It took him six goddamn years but boy, if Harry isn't persistent. he loves him, and I'm pretty sure if it ever came down to Harry and fear of the prophecy, Voldemort would NOT be able to make that decision lightly. (I also think that he WOULD, in the end, come down on the side of saying 'fuck the prophecy' bc the man is nothing if not incredibly contrarian. he does it just to be difficult.)
Harry, now that I think abt it, also compares himself and Carrigan a few times in the narrative and every time he talks abt Carrigan as 'the only person Voldemort has ever loved', which is of course INCREDIBLY ironic, considering that his soul IS Carrigan's soul and also bc Voldemort, as I said, CLEARLY LOVES HARRY TOO. But every time Harry thinks abt their relationship he seems to elevate it far above his own relationship with Voldemort. It's not that Harry is insecure, he never really is. It's more that Harry seems to have unconsciously borrowed his guardian's mercenary outlook on life and relationships, at least when it comes to Voldemort. so Carrigan and Voldemort had this special, nearly mystical bond, which to Harry seems to eclipse his and Voldemorts companionship by miles. Again, to pick up on the idea that Harry doesn't KNOW how much Voldemort cares for him, Harry really doesn't notice how their relationship has changed in the years they've known each other.
At the very beginning, I think, Harry realised that Voldemort, as he often says, 'does not give gifts' and I think he took that phrase and RAN with it and applied it to their entire relationship. And the thing is, he isn't wrong. Voldemort DOES see a lot of things as an exchange, he doesn't give gifts, only rewards, he never does anything without having up to ten different reasons for it, and he absolutely does weigh up every possibility in the most cold-blooded way possible before he commits. And the thing is, again... this IS very much how Voldemort approaches relationships. He does not BOTHER with people who can't do anything for him. BUT - and this is where it gets important - the longer they know each other and the closer they become, the less their relationship is about Harry being 'useful' to Voldemort. When Harry is trapped int he faerie realm, Voldemort comes ot his rescue. Not bc he needs to safe Britains Prince, not bc he can't let the faerie king have information that Harry has (both of which are reasons which he cited during Germany's 'kidnapping' of Harry) but bc he doesn't want Harry to suffer, bc he wants him safe, bc he wants Harry to stay with him and not be turned into a fae. This isn't abt saving Harry bc Britains Prince is needed for the war effort or whatever. This isn't bc Harry is so valuable that he can't be surrendered. This is about purely personal affection that Voldemort has for Harry. And it's INCREDIBLE how clearly their relationship isn't only based on an exchange of 'I give you what you want if you give me what I want' anymore. (They do play on this, what with the magic Voldemort takes from Harry etc. but that's less abt being valuable or useful and more abt their idea of honor)
for Voldemort it's pretty clear, that the soul restoration basically made it impossible for him to keep his attitude of cold-blooded amusement and carefully calculated affections in regards to Harry, or at least it's not JUST those things anymore. I kept on eye on it during this reread and Voldemort mentions several times how he becomes confused by his own feelings and their strenght and force whenever they concern Harry. He gets angry when Harry is hurt, he feels terrified when he fears Harry has died in the fearie realm, he wants Harry to be happy, he wants things they do together to please Harry, he LOVES teaching Harry new things, loves it when Harry expresses pleasure at his company, he adores simply talking to Harry, even if all they do is talk nonsense for an entire night. Even when they fight we see, no actually i think we're TOLD, that Voldemort CAN'T use the Crucio against Harry anymore, bc you must WANT the other person to be in pain and Voldemort, crucially, DOESN'T want Harry to be in pain and all the mental discipline in the world seem to be unable to make Voldemort bring up the hatred necessary to cast a crucio. I find it SO fascinating that Voldemort really isn't CAPABLE of hurting Harry like that anymore, bc it shows so clearly how his priorities have shifted. it also shows that Harry is 100% a different sort of relationship altogether than anyone else, bc Voldemort is STILL throwing crucios around like candy for everyone else. Their fights are awful but at this point it's clear that Voldemorts love for Harry is competing with his calculations for what he deems best for the country and his own plans, and most of the time they come into conflict. there are just SO many moments all over the story where you can compare and contrast the way these two interact before and after the restoration and although I don't think we're EVER getting the promised new content, I would be SO interested in how this would continue to evolve during the last book.
also, I know I'm on record for saying SEVERAL TIMES that Voldemort doesn't KNOW he loves Harry bc he... well bc he isn't used to actually loving ANYONE, but I think I need to eat my words on that. Voldemort has a talk with Queen Ophelia during the fifth book's climax and she asks him if he's ever loved and Voldemort doesn't ANSWER her as such but he DOES think abt the Solstice ritual and what followed, which we can either take as him loving the Earth OR him feeling love bc of the connection between him and Harry and... well I'm gonna chalk it up as him realising that maybe he DOES feel a lot of affection for Harry?
although now that I think abt it I still think he doesn't REALLY graps just HOW much he loves Harry. I think we get a bit of that realisation during the fearies arc, and later during the last chapter we ever got, during the duel against Madam Amsel, when Harry gets poisoned and Voldemort freaks out in a VERY controlled manner.
god I don't know, I just... fucking love this story SO MUCH, I love their relationship so much, it's SO fascinating and SO fucked up and they CLEARLY love each other SO MUCH but it's also clearly NEVER been enough for their respective souls to love each other. they've been circlign each other for so long, reincarnation after reincarnation, and yet they can't seem to let go of each other. their magnetism is SO well written it makes me want to WEEP for the beauty of their relationship bc I've never seen ANYTHING quite like this and I love it so much!
anyway, tldr: 1 mio words is a LOT of fuckign content and I would love nothing more than to analyse it all but BOY it's so much. if we ever get that promised new content Voldemort is gonna have a VERY uncomfortable moment of awakening when he realises that not only is his favourite person in the world his prophecied doom but also he isn't really capable of killing him the way he did to Neville Longbottom and his parents bc - oopsie - someone accidentally started caring abt his prophecied nemesis and now feels too much love to actually murder him in cold blood. whoops...
