Acceptance
I need to stop forcing myself to be something I am not. Today marks the first day where I am not in COMPLETE denial. I am okay with acknowledging that I may not be as good in International Relations as I hoped to be. Now that I think about it, “being good” isn’t even the problem. The problem is that I do not hope to pursue a career in International Relations, a degree I worked five years on in hopes of landing me my “dream job”. Actually, after spending so much of my early twenties forcing myself to become an expert in International Relations, I’m struggling to find my true identity. My life has been riddled with the aesthetics of my education as opposed to chasing what my honest heart truly desired. Now that I’ve accepted this fact about myself, I hope my journey to self-determination becomes easier. It explains why papers and in-class discussions never came easy to me. I worked my ass off to achieve good grades, but in the grand scheme of things, it was just for grades - it did not really benefit me in any other way (other than maybe having an edge in political discussions... or trivia). My interests for International Relations partially stems from the hope to be viewed as an intellect. To prove to everyone (family, friends, coworkers) that I could accomplish a university degree in a complex subject where I was somewhat interested into the topics. But is there passion? Is there a drive to throw myself into the depths of international politics, economics and history? On my free time, I do not delve into current events and listen in on world news podcasts. I confess, I am currently working as a sales associate for a fashion brand that I’ve admired since I was young and I am ACTUALLY enjoying what I do. It’s the first time I’ve felt that my skills truly matched a profession and even though I cannot fully accept this minimum wage job as a university grad, it makes me happy. Yes, I don’t want to work in retail forever but it’s the first step into a different direction (slightly more creative that political science perhaps). I need to tell myself that IT’S OKAY. I work with high school graduates and IT’S OKAY. I don’t earn as much as my friends who have full-time positions in laboratories, hospitals, and companies and IT’S OKAY. I have days where I feel incompetent and a failure and IT’S OKAY. You know why it’s okay? Because I know that this isn’t forever and there’s something greater for me. I want to believe in myself and to persevere in order to achieve a goal - it’s been awhile since I’ve had a sense of purpose. But it’s okay to be lost as long as you keep looking. My happiness derives from positive social interactions and my ability to create meaningful relationships with different types of people. I hope to take myself abroad and to gain experience through new opportunities. Maybe that’s why I chose International Relations. I needed context for the places I hope to visit/live. I want to be educated on topics such as colonialism, economic relations, and sociology so I am not ignorant towards foreign cultures and people. My degree was not an error, it was a stepping stone for what I want to do next. I realized that it is okay to change direction (however to actually change that direction is another story...). It is okay to admit that others are better than you. It is okay to not stay in academia. It is okay to be the least academic in your group. My abilities are unique and it makes me different, not worse-off. The post-grad depression hit me hard a few months ago, still is if I’m being honest. But I want that to change. And I can be the only one to change my life story. I can no longer base my success on how I do in relative to those around me. They do not write my story, I do. And it is time to get out of my slump and to brainstorm my next course of action. The first step is denial but I am now on the second step - acceptance. For those who feel the same way, know that you’re not alone. We are in this together and we’ll get out of this together. Keep on making mistakes as long as you keep on trying. Sending positive vibes and lots of love <3
