#post despair

Best To See These True Colours (Than To Follow One Of Your False Virtues) - By ImYourHoneyBee 

Two months after Team Free Will beats Chuck, Jack brings Cas back and Dean wants so badly to respond to Cas's confession in the dungeon, but to do that he needs to shed a lifetime of trauma, self hatred, and internalized homophobia. After moving in to a farmhouse with Cas, Dean secretly starts going to therapy every Thursday afternoon. He also starts working on getting the tattoos he always wanted in an effort to reclaim a body that he's only ever seen as a tool. or Cas stole Dean's favorite Zeppelin shirt, Dean steals it back, Cas steals it again. A shirt-theft war like nothing you've ever seen ensues. The entire family takes sides. Is it foreplay? Yes. Is it good clean family fun? Sometimes. Are Jack's god powers used unwisely in the name of the Zepp shirt battle? Yeah, probably. Is Dean messier than a sloppy joe? Nooooo, not at all. This fic starts out like it's going to be Serious Business (and parts of it are), but it's mostly ridiculous fluff and Dean finally allowing himself to be soft. Rating: Explicit Words: 34,512 Chapters: 9/9

Nothing Equals the Splendor - By RurouniHime

Maybe it’s the cynic in him. The hunter, always under the surface of any quietude he ever found. Or maybe it’s just that he has always had trouble with blind faith. But after a while (a blink? A decade? A century?), Dean raises his eyebrows, looks around, and says— “Uh. No.” It’s so close. Just so slightly imperfect. And maybe, he analyzes, maybe that’s the final knell of this bell called contentment. Dean’s experience with happiness has always been that last rise in the road, right before it turns. Right before fate comes barreling around the corner head on. He turns in his spot on the bridge, and suddenly Sam is like a cellophane film through which he can see the light streaming, and the taste of cheap beer on his tongue is much, much older a memory than it should be. “Oh, you’re good,” he says, and means it. Rating: Explicit Words: 7,865 Chapters: 1/1

Trained to Make Your Mark - By RurouniHime 

“I just think we should start making some kind of, I don’t know, backup plan because the way things are going—” “Sam.” “Once wasn’t a big deal, this place has held up against a lot, but it’s been two days now—” “Sam.” “—and if there’s much more of this, the walls might literally come down around us, without a grenade launcher.” “Alright.” Dean might actually laugh, uncontrollably. This is the fifth time—fifth! He’s still counting on his fingers! Like a giddy kid!—the fifth time he’s had sex with Cas and this, this… this-ness, the shaking brick and sizzling iron, the shattering windows and the protesting alarms, it was supposed to stop after the first, but it hasn’t even slowed down Rating: Mature Words: 6,748 Chapters: 1/1

hold onto your voice, hold onto your breath - By unicornpoe

You won’t be able to stop me, Dean thinks into the silence. Just take me, please, take me instead— EYE FOR AN EYE, says the Empty. Dean is on his knees in his bedroom, elbows on his mattress like he thought he might pray. The voice fills Dean’s mind as slowly as cold oil, and drips down the back of his neck. TOOTH FOR A TOOTH. * Dean makes a deal. Rating: Teen Words: 7,285 Chapters: 1/1

and you can use my skin - By unicornpoe

Castiel slips from his chair to kneel at Dean’s feet. He takes Dean’s hands in his, and there on the floor holding something with devotion, he understands Communion. He understands Eucharist. He understands believing in someone so deeply that to shelter a piece of them within yourself is an act of untempered faith, love and prayer and deep-wide trust. * Cas comes back. Dean can’t stop touching him. Rating: Teen Words: 5,365 Chapters: 1/1

sunflower - By unicornpoe

Castiel comes home on a Sunday. Rating: Teen Words: 4,687 Chapters: 1/1 

psalm 40:2 - By unicornpoe

“How the fuck do you know my name?” Dean hisses. The man doesn’t look scared. He is watching Dean like there is nothing else worth watching, lips a little parted, eyes a little soft. And blue. Real blue, like the ocean on a postcard. The ice spreading down Dean’s spine makes him shiver. “I suppose you could say I’m your guardian angel,” the man murmurs. His breath fogs pale between them. All of him is unnaturally warm, like Dean’s touching somebody with the sun sewn up beneath their skin. “I have known you, Dean Winchester, for a very long time.” * Dean meets an angel who says he's from the future. It all gets a lot more complicated from there. Rating: Explicit Words: 44,872 Chapters: 7/7

dumbassery, denial, doing (the three d's to the destination) - By sobsicles

Freedom is just one adjustment after the next. ~~~ Cas hums again. "I think you already have. It's been months since everything settled. All that's left to do is...get used to it, and perhaps—" His voice stalls out, uncharacteristically, and his gaze roams Dean's face with intensity. When he speaks next, his tone is a little raw. "Perhaps what one does with peace is...whatever they want." "What if I don't even know what that is?" Dean grumbles, arching an eyebrow in challenge. "'Cause I know damn well you don't just mean good food and a good bed and time in Baby, not simple wants like that. You mean—ya know, the big things, the wants we didn't get to have before." "Yes," Cas agrees. "If you're not sure, figure it out." "Easier said than done." Rating: Explicit Words: 108,427 Chapters: 4/4

what's missing is found (our souls can exhale now) - By sobsicles

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. Dean's dragged into the mess, but he soon finds that it's the best thing that could have happened to him. ~~~ "But have you ever just met someone and maybe it wasn't from the first moment, maybe it was after all these other moments that meant more than you ever expected them to, and it seems like your soul just—just—" Kaia makes a helpless gesture with her hands, pushing out, and she breathes out loudly. "Like it can finally exhale. And that person isn't guaranteed to make you happy, but they're—they're important. You just know it, you can't even escape it, you can't let them go. Ever met someone like that, Dean?"  "I—" Dean halts, his mouth hanging open. He's looking at Kaia, who's looking at him, and his heart is fluttering in his throat like a caged bird aching to soar again. His mind threatens to spiral out of control, but he focuses, swallowing hard. "Yeah. Um. I—yeah, I have."  Rating: Mature Words: 27,403 Chapters: 1/1 

Aching in the Absence of You - By sobsicles

Brittle and battle-worn, Cas looks at him over coffee one morning and says, "I need to go," and Dean instantly knows that he's not coming back.  He's not really sure how he knows it, but he does. It settles into the pit of his stomach, curling hot and tight like something he instinctively wants to tear out with his bare hands. He takes a breath, and it gets stuck in his throat, hitching there. It hurts, hurts, hurts when he finally exhales.  "Yeah," Dean says, "of course you do," and he nods jerkily as he looks down at his phone. He doesn't say goodbye. He doesn't look up from the screen when Cas gets up and leaves the room. He doesn't finish his coffee, or move for a long time.  By nightfall, Cas is gone. Rating: Explicit Words: 95,090 Chapters: 10/10

what they deserve (it's better this way) - By sobsicles

Dean and Castiel have some unfinished business. Heaven is as good enough of a place to settle it as any. Rating: Mature Words: 5,684 Chapters: 1/1

oh sooner or later it all comes down to faith - By sobsicles

Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't. ~~~ "You don't understand," Dean whispers, exhaling shakily. "I know you don't, because even I don't. The instant you were gone, I wanted you back. Cas, I wanted you back. I wanted—I wanted—" Cas stares at him, searching his face. After a moment, his own face falls slack, eyes widening just so. "Oh," he breathes out. Dean wants to be furious that Cas has figured it out before he has—whatever it is—but he's not even that surprised. Cas knows him too well, always has, even more than Dean knows himself. He's been kicking Dean in the goddamn teeth with how deeply he understands him, even about the things Dean doesn't, ever since they first met. You don't think you deserve to be saved, that's what Cas had said. All bundled up in impossibilities and power, this being that looked at Dean Winchester and knew every single inch of him, as if he had a right to each part. "What?" Dean grits out. "I love you, too." Rating: Explicit Words: 62,240 Chapters: 3/3

break the skin (to break the barriers) - By sobsicles

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment.  ~~~ Dean is silent for a long, tense moment, then he gruffly says, "It's not for banishing the angels. It's to summon them. So, it doesn't—it's not to get rid of 'em, but to draw 'em in."  Mitzi can't help but glance up at him at that. His voice is so heavy with so much unexplained pain, and she doesn't understand why, or what angels have to do with it. She knows religion can impact people. She's very aware that it can get complicated, and that it can be a huge source of pain for someone, but Dean sounds grievously wronged, somehow, as if it's a truly personal thing.  She pushes through, focusing back on her job, clearing her throat before murmuring, "Well, I guess we all want angels to visit us sometimes."  "Just the one," Dean mumbles.  "Your guardian angel?" Mitzi asks.  Dean breathes out, "Something like that. As close to one as an angel will ever get." Rating: Mature Words: 29,620 Chapters: 1/1 

according to all known laws of life - By sobsicles

Cas comes back. It's not exactly the reunion that Dean is expecting. ~~~ Dean stares at him, flummoxed. Cas quite literally poured his heart out to Dean, gave a truly sappy and distressingly romantic speech and everything, then proceeded to give his life so that Dean could live his. And he wants to act like he doesn't want to see Dean, be around him, touch him? Actually, Dean's ninety-nine percent sure that Cas probably wants to fuck him, and while he has no clue how he feels about that, he's pretty goddamn sure that means Cas doesn't get to act like this and make it authentic. It feels strangely real, though, as if Cas wants nothing more than to get as far away from him as possible. This is a blatant contradiction. Even someone as weird as Cas doesn't want to get away from the person they have the desire to fuck five ways to Sunday, that they're in love with. That's not how these things work, so Dean isn't buying it. Rating: Explicit Words: 29,727 Chapters: 1/1

and he's back (with a mind of his own) - By sobsicles

The walls bleed black again, and Castiel is deposited back into the room he was snatched from in a far more undignified manner than he left it.  ~~~ His face is hot when he pulls the beer away from his mouth, a rising sense of panic fluttering in his chest. He has thought these things, known them, of course, but it feels so different now because Dean will know. He is going to look at Castiel and know exactly how he feels, what he thinks. That is...distressing.  Perhaps Dean will avoid it. He is very good at doing those things. When faced with something he simply doesn't want to acknowledge, that's his first method of handling the situation, and Castiel is sure that it will go this way again. He is banking on it, in fact.   It will be fine. He has Jack. Sam will be here, a welcome presence and a perfect buffer. It's all going to be fine. Rating: Explicit Words: 38,219 Chapters: 1/1

things happen (they do, they do, and they do) - By sobsicles

So, the first thing that happens is Castiel comes back. ~~~ "Right," Dean says eventually, gruffly. He looks down at his shoes. "I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life, man. It's—you know, yours. Do your thing, love who you love, whatever. I can't really stop you from loving me, if that's what you've decided to do, but I don't—I can't—" "I know," Castiel murmurs, still just smiling a little, not looking heartbroken at all. "Don't worry about it, Dean, that's all I ask." "So we're—" Dean risks a glance up, swallowing thickly. "We're good?" Castiel hums. "We're good." Rating: Explicit Words: 27,918 Chapters: 1/1

let's take a drive - By sobsicles

Dean takes a really, really long drive to kick fear in the ass. It might just be the best thing he ever decides to do. ~~~ The seat squeaks, and Dean follows the sound, his gaze trailing down. There—where Jack sat moments ago—is a much tinier version of him. He looks mostly the same, just...smaller and more dimply and cuter, if that's possible. His clothes have shrunk to fit him, so he's casually sitting in a t-shirt, jeans, and scuffed tennis shoes. He swings his feet from side-to-side over the edge of Baby's seat the same way Sam used to in the back, and he stares up at Dean with clear eyes.  "Oh," Dean blurts out, eyes bulging, "Cas is going to fucking kill me."  Rating: Explicit Words: 121,930 Chapters: 12/12

I CARRY YOUR HEART (I CARRY IT IN MY HEART) - By unicornpoe

“Take me,” Dean says. He doesn’t have to think about it. “Take me as your vessel, Cas.” * or: Cas is cursed into an endless sleep. Dean offers himself up as his vessel while they try to break it. Rating: Explicit Words: 26,505 Chapters: 1/1

you're fooling yourself - By cowboydeanwinchester

Dean Winchester and Castiel retire from hunting to raise baby Jack. Dean struggles to allow himself the things he truly wants. Jack is two, Castiel and Dean are idiots, and Sam's gotta solve everyone's problems. Part 1 of it's brighter now (babyjackverse) Rated: Teen And Up Words: 13,051 Chapters: 1/1

daylight - By cowboydeanwinchester

Turns out, having sex in the kitchen in the middle of the night with your guy best friend (who you're raising a toddler with) doesn't immediately cure 42 years of repression. Dean navigates the beginning of his relationship with Cas and raise a toddler, all while preparing to have his family over for Thanksgiving. And it's fine. Completely fine. Sequel to You're Fooling Yourself. Part 2 of it's brighter now (babyjackverse) Rated: Teen And Up Words: 8,713 Chapters: 1/2

dean's coworkers vs the heteronormative agenda - By cowboydeanwinchester