#possibly squicky

the more I see others who have them talk about it the more I question if I've got a skin picking/hair pulling issue too or if it's something else. like "is my health that fucking bad or is it all in my head once again?"

because I have issues with rough cuticles and I often clip them and sometimes I clip too far and they bleed. and the same thing with those little bits of skin that can stick up around your nails and on the end of your fingers and I clip them too because when they get caught in fabric of clothing or sheets or something (which happens often) they get pulled up even further and deeper and usually bleed like hell after that. so clipping helps

but then I also have issues with acne, especially interacting with the hair follicles on my scalp and if it wasn't for the fact that I only go after the ones in the very swollen and obvious white heads it would look like trichotillomania with some skin picking thrown in to help clear out the core of the thing so it can finally heal instead of squeezing the nearby follicles until they back up with oil and become acne too until my whole head becomes this swollen sore spot I can't touch or brush the hair of or sleep on that side if I do nothing about it

and I've done the same with acne on my face because I learned in puberty that if I let it go I'll look like someone tried to give me a black eye and missed but with a large white head in the middle of it with several smaller ones scattered around. so I technically pick at those too to clear the cores out when they are small and just starting to swell and hurt.

all of which I drown in rubbing alcohol so they will heal instead of getting worse or changing out the nature of the bad from one thing to another

and all of this seems so reasonable to me but I know my head is fucked up and what I grew up learning was "reasonable" was hardly, if ever, that so I continue to worry

and it doesn't help that my other issues make me at high risk for BOTH hair pulling and skin picking (PTSD, OCD, and Autism sensory issues) and my mom and grandparents have treated it like I was doing it for shits and giggles and they've seen the disgusting shit it becomes when I don't fuck with it and that I get out of it when I do and how much quicker it goes down and heals when I DO something about it

and I know my genetic relations have lots of skin disorders and I have some of my own and probably more as I get older just due to genetics

and I know they have shit-all for healthy ways of dealing with any kind of medical issue

so I'm still left with that worry. and no one I can ask about it who can see what I'm talking about directly. and the internet doesn't always help because on search engines and easy to find guides it's all about the worst case scenarios and the most dramatic examples and hell that's the same thing that made me doubt I was autistic for over 10 years before I found autistics and listened to them and was able to go "are you me?" and then realize that was in response to their autism driven behavior/thinking/trends/issues/talents

...and now I feel like I've made myself come across as more gross and disgusting than I usually am