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Realizing that experiences or memories you thought were okay were actually traumatic is incredibly upsetting.
It's not your fault for not realizing sooner - in fact, that was your brain's way of protecting you from it. It's okay if you're struggling with denial, anger, pain, disgust, guilt or anything else whilst figuring this out.
Give yourself the space and time you need to process what you've discovered; whatever it is, it is valid, it was "bad enough", and healing is possible.
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“Don’t forget to love yourself.”
When you begin to fall in love with yourself; you begin to see beauty in the darkest of places within yourself. #rose #roses #trans #ftm #transguy #transgender #selflove #posipost #todaywasagoodday #feelinmyself
Learning to give up control sometimes can be incredibly tough. Knowing that you won't be the one in charge of what happens if someone else fronts is scary sometimes.
If you're struggling with giving up control, please know that it does get easier. Over time you can learn to trust the other alters more, and they can learn to trust you, too. It may not be easy; establishing good communication can take a lot of time and work, but it is possible and you can reach a point where you aren't so scared of being out of control.
You don't need to know why triggers affect you in order for them to do so.
Trauma positivity online -particularly in DID/OSDD1/DDNOS/UDD spaces -often talks about how it's valid for you not to remember any trauma. And it is!
It's also okay if you still have the triggers from the trauma, even without the memories. It's okay if certain triggers cause you emotional/physical flashbacks without any knowledge of why. It's okay if you have flashbacks and then don't remember what they were about, or if you realize you were triggered and don't even know what the trigger was.
You are not doing anything wrong or faking anything if you have triggers without the memories or knowledge of what triggered you. This is a common experience for those with PTSD/CPTSD, especially if you're a system.
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Please remember that you were a child. Your brain was that of a child's. Being traumatized will never be and has never been your fault, and if there are things about your system that don't seem to make sense, remember that "sense" here is from the perspective of a traumatized child's mind.
Your brain did what it could to protect you, and you do not need to feel guilty about what your mind did to survive.
Having fewer alters does not mean your trauma was "less bad". Your brain reacted in the specific ways you needed in order to survive what you went through.
Having less than 20, less than 10, or even just 2 or 3 parts in total does not negate or delegitimize your trauma, nor does it make you any less deserving of access to recovery-oriented spaces.
(This isn't related to larger systems. This is specifically for those with smaller numbers of alters, who - as said above - deserve just as much respect. Please do not derail).
Having an age that differs from the body isn't easy. It can be jarring and disorienting sometimes - if the difference is significantly large, or if you're a child alter in an adult's boy or an adult alter in a child's body, this can make things even harder to deal with.
This is a reminder that having alters with different ages from the body is normal for DID, OSDD-1, and DDNOS/UDD. You're not doing anything wrong by struggling with it, and it is possible to make peace with the age difference between you and the body you inhabit.
If it's tough for you, try to find little ways to make yourself more comfortable in the body. Find an item of clothing you like, or do makeup in a certain way that you feel reflects you more, or just do something relaxing you enjoy that can take your mind off it.
Over time, as you take steps to recovery (both as an individual part, and as a system) it will get easier to cope with the age difference, as well as any other differences between your internal appearance and that of the body.
