#polyquotes

Non-primary partners and solo/single poly people get to have relationship requirements and set limits, too. The first place to fight the presumptions of couple privilege is to avoid unconsciously adopting them ourselves. And to not cave to explicit or implicit signals that we don’t matter enough to stand up for ourselves.

When people are willing to put their heart on the line for you, to make themselves emotionally and physically vulnerable to you, that’s a gift to be honored.

Don’t just assume that “protecting the primary relationship above all else” is “normal,” “right” or “good” — especially when putting this into practice means automatically devaluing other partners or other relationships.

When someone in a relationship is routinely expected to accommodate, sacrifice, ask for permission or come last — that’s a kind of power dynamic. The trouble is that presumed, unconscious, nonconsensual power dynamics tend to be very bad news indeed.

It takes so much energy to fight privilege, usually it seems easier to just try to roll with it. Until, of course, it rolls over you big time. Because although privilege hurts everyone (including privileged people), in the big picture disadvantaged people tend to pay the highest prices and have the fewest options.

To shed privilege, you must take conscious steps to publicly demonstrate that you do not conform to a privileged norm. Like giving away all your wealth to charity, or outing yourself as polyamorous and publicly acknowledging all of your partners.

The catch here is that hierarchy, enmeshment and couple privilege are endemic to society, and quite insidious. Appearances and circumstances matter, even though they can be deceiving. Consequently, people who are visibly partnered up in a more-or-less conventional fashion face rather different relationship and social dynamics from visibly solo people. It’s not a level playing field.