#polymorph kin

I'm someone who has felt some level of nonhuman for a huge chunk of their life; much like other kids, I would 'pretend' to be an animal or mythical creature. However, there was always an underlying sense of reality when I would 'pretend' to be a wolf, a leopard, a tiger, a mermaid, or even an ordinary housecat. As I grew, the feeling lingered, and at around 12 or 13 I discovered the otherkin community through cringe compilations.

I immediately felt a kinship to the community and couldn't understand what was so cringe about them. I found myself looking into the community, and I 'came out' as a vampire at 13. It was treated simultaneously as just a phase and something worrying. I started wearing tails at 14 everywhere I went, as I had developed two wolf forms. I stopped doing anything like this around the time when quarantine started.

I am now an adult, 19 years of age, and still nonhuman. I came into understanding of my polymorph identity at 17, and have stuck with it while gathering forms that I also consider to be kintypes; I consider myself to be canine therian despite not identifying as a dog all the time, for example. I still identify as a vampire. It is still isolating.

It is isolating because I know there are people who will see me and say, 'aren't you too old to play pretend like that?' as if I chose to have a lingering sense of nonhumanity from childhood. As if I chose this unshakable disconnect from humanity. As if I am playing pretend. I wish it were that simple, a game of play pretend. But no, this is a part of my identity, and I feel so othered sometimes because ""normal"" adults don't do this. I am a freak adult just as I was a freak child. But I also feel at peace, because I have this part of me and I have community. I know there are adults out there like me. 'Normalcy' isn't some superior state of being and being a 'freak' ain't all that bad.

I want to be able to form my hands into big sharp claws again

To be able to bend my limbs in ways that bones would usually break, to bend them in similar ways to a jellyfish or octopus

To be able to sit out in the winter for hours to watch the sparkling snow with just my normal clothes without freezing

To be able to explore the world for months and not to have worry about anything that needs to be taken cared of for this body

There aren't any rules on what you can or can't feel. Physical objects don't make you an otherkin. Everyone's experiences are different.

I know I'm an otherkin because of the feeling my body isn't mine, that something is missing, or wrong. I get dysphoria for features I don't have, like sharp teeth or long ears or a tail. I long for the things I miss and despise what I have. I mourn the actions I'm unable to perform, such as flying. I spent years trying to connect myself to specific creatures in hopes of figuring out what I am, such as cats or rabbits or dragons, even sirens at one point. It wasn't til a year ago I found out what polymorphs are, and I've been identifying as one ever since. I don't have gear, or memories, but that doesn't make my experience any less valid.

When it comes to my identity as an objectkin, it's sort of similar. I have a strong connection to the idea of being plush, of having springs and stuffing instead of bones and blood. I sometimes sit on my bed absolutely disgusted in the idea I have organs, that I'm bound by an organic body which I must maintain. Again, I don't have memories, I don't believe I was a doll in a past life, it's just a strong connection which I identify with and long for; I think I should be one, even though I'm not and know I never will be.

Personal moodboard for my shapeshifter revelations