#polyhaus

 And Bones started to pull the pieces together. A body that ached inside and out, with its solace coming through heavy drugs or the ridiculous amount of sleep that he needed, and the sights of everyone else that came and went through it all.

 “You got pretty lucky,” James had chuckled, wrapping his hand around Bones’ as best he could with making his body ache. It was frustrating, just watching as people grouped around him, usually one or two at a time, as he started to pull his mind out of the fog, and the story came together.

 A fire. A gas leak beneath the ground, according to an insurance agent, and it took everything that they’d set up roughly a couple months ago. He’d been in the hospital seven days before he woke up, and it would be another little while before he would get to go home.

 People kept talking about it like it was a miracle. The crew would come in occasionally, – Lawrence couldn’t stay long before having to leave to save face, while Bruce was always ready to cry it seemed, both from relief and from something else.

 The pieces of the puzzle kept coming together. Bones screamed in his dreams as tongues of flame licked at his body and tore away his skin. He’d watch his house melt into fire, and his skin peel like wax as he was subject to the heat in his nightmares before someone would shake him awake.

 Often it was James or Elyse, who seemed always ready to take the night shift. Once it was Adam, and he was greeted with a lengthy silence after he woke up. Bones racked his mind to try and find out why Adam had been way quieter than usual, and the strange way that a topic of conversation would hang in the air, like Adam was waiting to say something, and then it wouldn’t.

To be honest, for all the discussion of how lucky they were, there was a weight hanging over them. Bones kept asking if he could get up, get going to help them with everything they were organizing. A new house had to be found, after all.

 It was Jacob who let it slip.

“N-no. You heal up, we can handle the living situation, and work, and the funeral-“

 The way he clasped his hands over his mouth and the speed at which Adam got up and left as Bones’ jaw firmed in thought.

 The puzzle had come together at last.

 But it was missing a piece.

 “Where’s Matt?”

*        *         *         *           *              *             *         *

  The knot in his chest started unravelling as he started to recover, but now it pulled away to leave a vast pit in his chest. Flames crawled out and spread cold numbness down his veins as the last parts of the story came together.

 A plank had knocked him out. Matt had been trapped behind them, but his quick actions had managed to get both out before anything too serious could’ve happened. Except one of them had a respiratory system that apparently couldn’t handle the fumes as well as the other.

 Matt had literally saved his life with his dying breath, and Bones was left with the picture that remained.

 The others didn’t know how to tell him. The words they tried to share died in their throats, and Bones was left with foggy images, strange thoughts, and a picture or two off the phone he booted up for the first time in ages, where the picture of all of them standing in the backyard seemed like a vibrant memory.

 One of the most dissatisfying feelings in the world was putting the pieces together, only to discover that you’re missing a piece or two with no idea of where they might be. Bones’ stomach sank as the puzzle of his mind put everything together only to find that one of the core pieces were missing. He didn’t have the energy to do anything other than fold in on himself, trying to find the words on his tongue to ask “why did it have to be him?”

  “It… it didn’t have to be anyone,” Omar bit his lip on a grey afternoon.

 Bones cringed. Pain seemed to come and go at its own discretion these days. His life turned into two sensations. Pain, or numbness? It was all he could bring himself to handle. All the pit in his stomach seemed to wrap around.

“I guess not…” he mumbled, “So, did the doc change his mind?”

 Omar sighed heavily. He pulled his glasses away from his face as he adjusted his position in the seat. “No. He’s saying you still need to recover.”

“I can recover later. This is… this is his funeral-“

“Yeah, we know.” Omar snapped, like the mention of the word was enough to cause him pain, “we’re not happy about it either.”

“I hate this, ‘Mar,” Bones mumbled as again the stinging pain started to prickle across his arm, and his throat felt like it was going to close.

 Omar came over, eyes glistening and wet as he took Bones’ hand.

 Yet something about it still felt empty.

      *        *         *         *           *              *             *         *

  Bones almost wished it would rain the day he stepped out of the hospital. He thought that if the world was maybe ready to present him like the hero of a tragedy, he would be able to pass it all off as some twisted joke. But the weather was only slightly overcast. Adam was behind him pushing the wheelchair to the door like it was tradition; James and Elyse held a paper bag filled with so many ointments and medications the price alone was almost enough to make him gag; Lawrence, supposedly, was back at home with some of the others as Bones stood up, wiggled his feet around in a new pair of shoes since the last ones had apparently been torn off to get a better look at his body.

 And while his lungs still felt strained, and the sting of burning trickled over his skin and into his mind, as even James, who was normally ready to make some kind a joke, failed to grasp at humor in even the loosest of senses. Bones felt that at that moment the one thing they all shared was the heavy hole that sat in their chests, the space left behind by something important.

     *        *         *         *           *              *             *         *

  They expected he would take the night to rest like the doctor suggested. Their temporary residence was cramped and empty at the same time. Bones felt like an alien as he crossed the threshold of the new door for the first time. Part of him hoped to see Matt’s sleek laptop sitting on the cheap IKEA table, or one of his big warm blankets.

 It hadn’t clued in yet that they really had nothing left. Bones left the hospital wearing a strange sweater he didn’t recognize. Bruce left him a pile of clothes in the hospital a couple days before he left. The only thing saved had been his grey beanie, but even that had the scent of ash that refused to be erased. Nothing felt like home anymore. Nothing felt like it belonged to him. He was walking on eggshells around the others, and they walked around eggshells with him. He wanted to offer something…. But it was like the fire had stolen any warmth he could offer.

 And when Bruce came in to check on him, in the room that was his only in the vaguest sense; his first thought was panic when Bones wasn’t there.

 “Jesus,” he groaned, “You tell the doctor he’s gonna rest up for a few days…”

Adam, settled on the couch, slowly pulled himself to his feet, cracking his neck and moving like he was treading through mud as he grabbed a sweater from a hanger and headed to the door.

 “I think I know where he went,” Adam shrugged, already opening the door as Bruce looked up to him.

 “We can get some of the others to –“

“It’s late, Bruce,” Adam rubbed his eyes, “We’ve all been at a loss for energy recently. I know where he is. I’m pretty sure I do anyway,”

 The larger man didn’t seem convinced, but gently Adam pressed a kiss to his lips before he slipped out the door.

“I’ll text you when we’re heading back.”

      *        *         *         *           *              *             *         *

The sky twinkled briefly with whatever stars could break through the light pollution of the city, but the place itself felt plunged in blackness. The cast-iron fences clawed at those who passed by, or like they tugged at the hole that you tried to fill with the memories of the past.

 Bones didn’t really know how he managed to stumble his way here – only that the pain seemed sharper the further he went, and that the fact he could walk at all considering the pain medication he was on was miraculous.

 Every step was exhausting, but he found it. The gate wasn’t even locked despite the late time as he wandered down the rows of the cemetery – the one he knew would’ve been the right one.

 They wouldn’t cremate him after what he went through, right? That thought alone. The thought of the fire…

 He gulped at the bile building in his throat. The scent of smoke attacked his memory intrusively. Its venom kept scratching at his brain as his skin and bones and nerves ached while he stumbled down the rows.

 Then he was on the ground. His legs gave up on him, his knees still quivering as his hands shook faster and faster.

 “C’mon,” he mumbled, cursing at himself under his breath.

A moment later a pair of hands grasped him by the shoulders. His whole body went still, but then he was being helped to his feet. Slowly someone was taking his weight as he found his nose hit with a different scent as familiar hands lifted him up.

 Adam’s eyes were glancing back at him – soft and tired, and rather forlorn. It was a sight he was too used to seeing in the past few weeks, even if Bones wondered himself if he could even form a smile that wasn’t faked.

 “It’s over this way,” Adam whispered, “Here.”

 The light on his phone flickered to life. Bones kept standing only by using Adam for balance as the white stone came into their vision like a beacon.

 Fresh. The engravings in the stone were younger than most of the headstones in the yard. Honestly, Bones was kind of amazed he missed it.  All white, a simple name on it, in a plot all to itself.

 Matthew Peake.

The worst thing was finding that the puzzle piece you were looking for had been completely torn apart, and now there was a hole in the picture that was never going to be filled.

 What was he thinking? Why was he so desperate to see this? Was it to prove that he wasn’t dreaming? To convince himself that they weren’t lying to him?

 Or maybe his cruel curiosity needed to put the picture together one last time to find the missing piece.

 The pain was nothing, as roaring flame surged from his heart and scorched him. His eyes flooded with tears all at once, and he was screaming. A scream that threatened to rip the sky apart, and soon Adam was with him. Both held each other. Adam’s icy resolve shattered by the flames of emotion that burst from Bones. Matt was gone.  And God could he feel it.

 He didn’t know how long they were there. Time seemed to swing to a rhythm they didn’t understand. But soon Bones was wiping at his eyes. His eyes, his face, and his shirt soaked in his own tears, and Adam’s, when he at last found himself on the soft ground with his arms around Adam’s back, and Adam’s hands toying with his hair.

 “I hate this,” Bones stammered, as Adam hummed in response.

 “I hate that I was so close to him… that I’m alive because of him.”

“And that he’d hate if you wanted to say something like ‘I wish it was me’.”

Bones laughed sadly, “Yeah, that too.”

“We’re figuring out,” Adam sighed softly, “but we’re doing it together. So please, don’t be a fucking idiot like this, okay?”

 “I’m sorry,” Bones pulled away slightly.

 But Adam caught his hand, “No, that’s not what I mean.”

Bones stared at him like he’d spoken a different language, but his mind and body was only barely his own as the fire faded, and he was left in a state between disoriented and in pain.

 “Adam, it’s time to go home,” Adam said at last, and with his hands wrapped in Bones’; there was little the man could do to disagree.

 They walked home in darkness. Bones cringed on every other step, but Adam was always there to keep pulling him forward.

 Despite Adam’s comfort, Bruce was there waiting, and he stood up, looking prepared to give the best lecture he could, but then he saw their faces, felt Bones collapse into his chest, as tears threatened to come once more.

 And Bruce thought he had no tears left to shed after the funeral, but emotions were complicated. Tears mixed with joy that Bones was still here, pain for the pain he knew his boyfriend was in, confusion for how it all felt without Matt, and Matt’s passing still pushing down on his heart like a hydraulic press with just enough pressure to make it hurt, but not enough to make it burst.

 But Bones was back. He and Bruce and Adam shared a bed that night, and Bones desperately yearned for another’s presence after being separated for so long.

      *        *         *         *           *              *             *         *

 There are a few things you can do with a puzzle that’s missing a few pieces. You can keep it tucked away on a shelf with your nostalgia from the days spent putting it together in the first place; you can toss it away as though it has no other use; or you can keep trying to put it back together, even knowing that you’ll never be able to fill that hole.

 In many cases, people can be happy enough with the finished result. The disappointment still rings over the fact that it’s gone, but the experience of putting it together – laughter and jokes about ‘strategy’ as someone threatens to stop any progress – that would stay.

 It was about changing how you saw it. You could never forget the piece that was supposed to go there, and your brain will always try to fill in that gap.

 The trick is figuring out how to love the whole picture when you can’t see it, and how to remember that a missing piece doesn’t make the other pieces incompatible.

 They would feel the weight of Matt missing for a long time. Bones would still dream about another scenario – the one where he switched places and saved Matt from the fate that he was saved from – but they kept going.

 They would put it back together, even if they knew it wouldn’t be filled – and that would be enough. And even in moments, when they joked around and played games or yelled at each other as they normally would, they would fight the urge to look over to his usual spot.

-

It’s when Matt turns 10, he learns what the marks on his legs are. Matt learns about what soulmates are, and learns about why he gets splotches of other colors on his skin. His teacher explains it to him, about how when your soulmate (or soulmates in Matt’s case) get hurt- their color would appear on his skin- wherever the bruise was forming for them. And that if there was a scar, it would appear on the other- lighter than a bruise would, but it would stay.

And so his teacher explains that the lilac on his nose, comes most likely from his soulmate getting a broken nose.

Matt goes home and when he accidently makes his dad mad that night- he ends up worried he’ll be too broken for his soulmates later on.

-

When Matt turns 12 his dad finds out about how many bands he has. The colors, the fact his son is an abnormality and spends an hour banging on the bathroom door- screaming at him for being a mistake.

Screaming loud enough Matt hear him loud and clear, even with his hands over his ears and his loud sobs.

He hears his father’s voice loud and clear.

-

By the time he’s in the 8th grade, everyone knows him as the freak with 7 other soulmates. Soulmates that must hate having him because he’s always coloring their bodies in bright red- bright noticeable, questionable red.

It’s also about this time, his dad seems to be angry every night. Angry and drunk, everything becoming his mother’s fault somehow. Everything being blamed on her, on one occasion the fact it was raining being blamed on her.

Matt spends most night- falling asleep to the sounds of glass shattering, yelling  and the noise of his own thoughts repeating his apologies to his soulmates.

-

High school starts, and he’s the only one causing colors. The scrapped white knees, and bruised grey palms have stopped. And he tries, he tries to stop the colors- the fighting, the one sided brawls. But his mom left, and Matt is still known as the freak with 7 other soulmates and he’s a small kid versus big football players and a cruel father.

Matt always tries to protect his own face, not for himself but for the 7 others. He tries, but he doesn’t always succeed.

-

10th grade is when he starts to self harm, he’s lost the will to care anymore. He’s heard of platonic soulmates and he knows at this point that’s what the bands have to mean. He’s not good enough to have a romantic soulmate- he knows that.

So he burns, tears, scratches and picks at his own skin. He yearns for some form of control- he hates his father but hates his mother more. He just wants something to be in his control for the next two years that he’s a dependant of his father. For the next two years he’s stuck in this household that makes his freshly washed clothes reek of alcohol and blood.

His arms become a mess, but he carefully destroys the area of his leg where the lines are.

The one night in particular where everything fell apart, and he came to the conclusion that: it was all his fucking solemates faults. If he had one soulmate he wouldn’t have this fucking problem. All these fucking problems. So, he spends an hour or two crying in the bathroom- tearing his leg and sobbing. He just wants it to stop.

He just wants everything to stop.

-

In Grade 11 the his knuckles are turning green and purple- without him doing anything. His solemates fight, meanwhile he lays and takes it. Under his hoodie is worse than ever- his ribs causing him pain at the smallest breath, nothing being able to heal before something new happened.

It’s also in Grade 11, he gets jumped. He goes to a football game on a whim, with a couple of kids from his Spanish class. He ends up getting cornered by a group of kids while he walked home in the dark.

They end up tackling him, ripping his shorts down and one of them crudely cutting into his leg while he cried and screamed and begged.

For the first time in years, Matt silently apologizes to his soulmates for the word that will scar into their skin under the already damaged area of the bands.

‘Monster’.

-

Highschool ends in a blur, grandparents and aunts he didn’t know he had pay for him to go to college and that’s when it starts to get better.

There’s no more marks coming from him, in fact the only colors on his skin come in the form of green, purple and gold. He wonders if green and purple are okay- they seem to fight a lot.

-

College is when he starts to figure out who he is as a person. Away from the fighting and the constant noise. College is when Matt spends the time to figure out that men and women are attractive- and he also figures out that he doesn’t seem to have a type. Too many variations of what ‘attractive’ is, too many shapes and sizes. Too many tones and quirks for him to narrow down.

-

In the middle of college he gets admitted to the hospital. He wakes up with thick bandages around his wrists and up his arms. He spends hours daydreaming about someone, anyone coming to visit him- to worry over him.

No one comes.

-

He’s discharged a week later on the empty promise of calling a therapist and enough fake smiles for no one to worry.

-

By the time college ends, he’s got depression. Massively so. It coming back in a tidal wave of antidepressants, and trying to motivate himself to go to job interviews. He somehow ends up with one, a nice job actually, for a pretty big tv show- but he hates it. Like something about it makes him sit just slightly to the left- like everything about it is just a tiny bit off.

-

[He gets trashed one night and relapses, after 2 years of being clean he relapses and ends up with a new phrase under the still ever present ‘Monster’.

‘I’m sorry’]

-

He gets a job with them, by chance.

Their ad looking for a new editor gets sent to him by a colleague- a friend who knows he’s miserable and on a whim he submits his resume and forgets all about it.

Until a few days later when his phone rings right after he gets home, and it’s some guy named Bruce- asking to set up an interview.

He gets hired a week later.

-

[Bruce is very kind when Matt explains he doesn’t want to shake hands on the deal- that he doesn’t want to touch in general].

-

When he joins he starts to hear about their relationship, learn more about them as people- and the gnawing feeling in his stomach grows everyday. He learns about how Bruce and Adam used to fight in high-school. How Elyse loved to roller blade as a kid- and never wore knee pads. Matt laughs endlessly over how Lawrence loved dodgeball as kid, but did not love how everyone threw harder than him.

[The gnawing feeling explodes one day over lunch when Joel talks about how he broke his nose in the 4th grade- Matt has to leave so he can stop shaking].

-

They all go out for drinks one night, and Matt spends the entire evening making sure his hands are covered by his hoodie- making sure no skin to skin contact can happen.

And outside of him being unable to enjoy his buzz- he does find himself laughing and enjoying the company of his friends.

He’s delighted when Elyse shows up and he leaves the bar that night with a new number in his phone under the contact name ‘Funniest Willems’.

-

It’s after a drunk stream, at the end of their day- that the gnawing feeling becomes just a lump of pain and dread at the bottom of his stomach.

He doesn’t remember who starts the conversation, all he knows is everyone is talking about sole marks (everyone but him of course). And eventually someone outside of their little squad is talking about the worst marks from a solemate and Adam looks ready to wilt away and Adam rambles out,

“Whoever they are- they really hate themselves. And I just wanna help.” He gives a shrug and Matt feels his heart start to beat faster, “They tried to kill themselves a few years back- and I mean technically they did. I’ve never been as scared as I was when their mark went black. It was awful. You remember that night, James?”

Matt feels ready to throw up at the nod James gives- and even drunk James looks so sad. Matt wants to make their pain stop but instead he wills himself to stay still and faced towards his computer, mimicking editing the video in front of him- even as Joel speaks up.

“They don’t want us.” And it’s the way he says it, the defeat and tiredness that should make Matt guilty but all it does is bubble up something he has never felt before in its full form.

Matt feels angry. He feels hot bitter rage, and years of pent of animosity. His hands clench so tight around his mouse that it actually pops the plastic on one side and he’s shaking when he stands up.

It catches Lawrence’s attention and it must be his face or his movements but the other doesn’t say a word as Matt packs up to leave. He does however follow Matt out of the office, and it’s only once they reach the parking garage does he call out for Matt.

“We’re sorry for bringing that up in front of you, man.” And something about the tone Lawrence is using- doesn’t calm him down, it in facts just pisses him off more. Matt throws his laptop bag into the back seat of his car and slams the door,

“Yeah, why is that?” And he huffs out a sarcastic laugh and turns to look at Lawrence. The anger ebbs away when he sees the look on Lawrence’s face.

“Because you don’t have a solemate.”

Matt doesn’t say anything before he turns and gets into his car.

-

The next morning, Matt wakes up and makes the decision. The decision that today he would touch one of them, to see if this was real or just a cruel joke played on him but the universe.

It takes too long for all of them to get into work, but the second the last person is through the door (Sean), Matt has ditched his hoodie and is starting to sweat lightly. This was stupid- there was no possible way these people were his soulmates. But he hoped.

Matt hadn’t hoped for something in a very long time.

So he manages to swallow his nerves somehow and walk over to where Adam and Bruce are standing around Joel’s desk.

“What’s up, Peake?” Bruce asks and Matt suddenly doesn’t have words.

“Uh, I forgot.” And he ends up sitting at his desk berating himself for the next hour for being such a coward.

-

[Matt cries the next morning when he gets into the shower and finds various hand print shaped bruises on his hips and thighs].

-

It’s when his birthday rolls around that their in the office, it is the middle of a Tuesday and they’re all dicking around (Elyse visiting her boys during her lunch hour), and suddenly everyone is planning what to do for his birthday- that he just is overwhelmed by this urge to cry a little bit.

“What do you want for your birthday?” Elyse is giggy as she asks, bouncing on her toes and has her phone already open and Matt just answers the first thing on his mind.

“A hug.” He feels stupid the second he says it, but it’s true.

“A hug? What you’ve never been hugged or something?” James says, elbowing his double hoodie hidden- midsection and Matt sees no reason to lie to them. They’re his friends- his best friends. (His only friends).

“Never had one.” He shrugs as he says it, and instantly looks to the ground afterward. The silence that follows is awful, it makes Matt want to scream.

“Uh, I have a lot of editing to do. Anything you get me will be fine- and you know you don’t, uh, have to get me anything. Birthdays have never been a big deal.” He says it to them, still looking at the ground- before shuffling away and back to his desk.

-

His birthday comes and everyone ends up having a mini-party at the Willems’. Lawrence and Sean get him a support for his work chair- to help with the back pain that comes from editing. Elyse, James and Bruce get him various gag gifts (including but not limited to: a neon blue ball gag, flavored lube, and a 6 foot poster for the movie North), but actually buy him 10 various games, including one he had wanted as a kid but never got.

Joel gets him a Sega Genesis and a refurbished GameCube. And Matt has to blink away a small misting in his eyes.

Adam is the one who breaks the dam. All the other gifts having built up his want to cry- but Adam shatters it. Just breaks his resolve and causes it all to crash around him.

“It’s a lame gift.” Adam hands him the wrapped box with an awkward smile and rubs the back of his neck. And Matt mumbles some comment about how he sure its fine, and once he gets the paper off- he finds out it’s not a box but it is in all actuality a picture frame. A nice black simple frame, with a certificate inside of it.

Matt has to read the words about 10 times before he cognitively understands it, and when he does he just can’t help the tears. He tries to blink them away, but he just can’t.

“Oh God. I didn’t mean to make you cry!” Adam is freaking out, going to place a hand on his shoulder- but pulls it back. They all know how Matt is with touch. He hovers awkwardly, as Matt begins to sob.

Matt feels ridiculous as he sobs on the Willems’ couch, clutching the picture frame to his chest- but he can’t stop.

“This is,” He has to take a breath, “The nicest thing anyone ha-has ever done for me.”

And it takes a few minutes for him to calm down, and after he’s settled- James asks what Adam got him.

“He wouldn’t tell us.” And Matt just smiles and finally pulls the frame from his chest,

“A star.” Matt sniffles, “Adam bought me a star.”

And Adam, God bless him, looks so out of place and is blushing for God’s sake that Matt can’t seem to help himself.

Matt ends up chest to chest with Adam, the bulk of Matt’s 3 hoodies pressing gently against Adam’s t-shirt. And everyone is just dead silent as they watch the two of them. Matt’s still got tears drying on his eyelashes, and his nose is bright red- but Adam is looking at him like Matt is the most wonderful thing in the room- and it takes a moment for Matt to eventually raise a hand- and bring it just millimeters from Adam’s skin.

And they’re so close, they’re breathing each other’s air and it’s been 2 years and they’ve never touched. Matt has never showed any sign of wanting to touch them.

And then, much like Matt is- gent but firm, Matt presses his hand onto Adam’s face. And the smile that comes from the heat on their marks, is nothing short of magnificent.

“Is Matt-?” It’s Lawernce that whispers it, and Matt and Adam are still just staring at each other, Matt’s hand still on his face- even as Adam nods.

“Yeah.”

-

It takes no time at all for them to allow Matt to gently touch them- and by the end of the night all of their marks are a little darker.

“This is the best birthday I’ve ever had.” Matt mumbles, right before he falls asleep that night- tucked into the guest bed, and he feels someone pet his hair.

“This the best your birthday I’ve ever had, too.” And Matt gives a huff of a laugh and drifts off to the sound of Elyse berating James for being an idiot.

-

The next morning, Matt is officially a year older and he wakes up to the smell of he doesn’t know what, but it’s good.

He ends up stumbling downstairs, with bed tousled hair and sleepy eyes. And it earns him a coo from James- who he waves away instantly.

By the time he’s eaten and woken up- he notices that everyone’s stuff is still by the front door. And when he voices that to Elyse, who’s working at the dishes she gives him a sad sort of smile.

“We tried to get them to leave, but after last night they said they weren’t going anywhere without you.” And she’s nodding over the breakfast counter into the living room- the same living room Matt stumbled through half awake.

And he peaks his head over and wants to...He doesn’t know what he wants to do, but his heart does a little jump at the sight of his boys. His idiots.

Adam is on the couch, face pressed into the cushions and snoring ever so slightly, and right next to him, Lawrence is asleep in the arm chair.

It’s seeing Lawrence in the armchair that makes Matt frown and somehow he ends up gently nugging Lawrence awake and leading him upstairs to the bed that is now unoccupied.

Sean wanders down somewhere in the time Matt takes Lawrence’s glasses off and get him under the blankets.

It’s a nice morning. Very domestic and warm.

-

[Matt decides that he loves sleepy Adam, he also decides he does not like sleepy Lawrence as much].

-

They spend the entire day dicking around, and it’s only when Matt stands to help with the dishes that Sean lets out a little noise.

And Matt is stretching- arms reached out over him, and it’s too perfect not too. So sean quickly moves and wraps his arms around Matt. Smashing their chests together, and tucking his head into the space available by Matt’s neck.

And Sean feels Matt go still- and they’re the closest they’ve ever been- physically and emotionally. Sean can feel how fast Matt’s heart is beating. And just when Sean goes to move away and apologize, Matt is wrapping his arms around Sean in a grip that makes it seem like he’ll never let go of him.

They end up sitting on the floor- never once breaking the embrace. Sean ends up sitting in Matt’s lap while Matt hides his face in Sean’s shoulder. Sean’s sure he can feel wetness, but he doesn’t say anything.

No one else says anything about it, they just let it happen. Photos are taken- granted, but they all remember what Matt had told them.

“Never had one.”  

They all remember that up until this point Matt Peake had never had a hug.

-

They all spend the night again together, but this time Adam and Sean end up in bed with Matt- hugging him all through the night.

-

Matt comes to the boys, a few days later, during lunch- with a solemn expression. He sees them start to panic a little so when he speaks, he addresses it to Joel,

“I never wanted you to think, I didn’t want you. I wanted you very much. But…” Matt lets out a sigh and waves a hand tiredly, “You know. M’a little broken.”

And in a much softer voice adds, “Didn’t think you’d want me.”

And Matt won’t look at him, but he knows when Joel remembers what he’s talking about by the little ‘oh’. Matt is determined to stare at the floor, and anywhere away from their faces.

“Matt…” For once it seems as if Joel has no idea what to say but does what Joel does best:

Offer physical contact.

Matt sees the hand come into his view and tug him forward by the arm, and- oh-  Matt could really get used to this surprise hugging thing.

“We want you, Matt. Trust me. We do.” And Joel is petting the back of his head, and Goddamn Matt could totally get used to this surprise hugging thing.

-

Matt tells them about everything a few weeks later, over dinner at Lawrences. They all listen, only stopping to interrupt when it was obvious Matt was getting distraught.

“I didn’t put ‘monster’ there.” He’s crying again but he needs them to know that, “Some kids from my high school...They, pushed me down and did it. That wasn’t me.”

“Okay, sweetie. It’s okay. We believe you.” He ends up being curled between Elyse and Lawrence, mumbling out various words of comfort to him.

-

They move to Roosterteeth, and he follows of course. Matt would follow them where-ever they go.

-

Matt’s dad dies the next fall, and he kind of hates himself for not caring- but he spends the night curled on the couch watching movies with the people he was told he didn’t deserve and the guilt disappears.

-