#opening relationship

I’ve been with my wife for 10 years and we recently got her off the pill when I had a vasectomy. Now, she has found that she is attracted to another woman. She doesn’t know what it means as far as whether she wants a girlfriend, or what she would even be ok with sexually with a woman. We never even discussed opening the relationship until very recently. I am not interested in other partners or losing a ton of time with her. Is there a way to make it work?

I think this is one of the best and most easily answered questions I have EVER gotten. Major kudos to you, dude!

Most people in your situation write to me and say that they feel “jealous” or “insecure” or “uncomfortable” and I have to try and walk them through what, specifically, they are worried about, and see if those concrete things feel easier to address, triage, and strategize for (they usually do).

But you, good and wonderful sir, kind letter writer, instead said that you were not interested in two specific things: you having other partners, and you losing a ton of time with your wife.

The great news is that those are both completely possible to work around and address!

First, you do not have to have other partners. You do not have to decide that “opening up” your relationship means that you’re suddenly cruising kinky singles pages together or anything like that. Your wife can explore her sexuality with other women without it affecting anything except, specifically, the time she spends doing that.

Which leads (so neatly! so perfectly!) to your next concern: losing a ton of time with her. That is a completely reasonable concern! I imagine that you married this person precisely because you enjoy being around her. (The fact that three years into the pandemic your primary concern is not getting to hang out more with your wife makes my heart explode with joy.)

Due to the laws of physics, any time she spends out having sex with or dating women is time that she can’t be home hanging out with you. So, in many ways, this is a “zero-sum” issue, which can be tough in relationships! But you don’t say that you won’t abide ever missing out on time with your wife - you’re worried about losing “a ton” of time.

So think about what “a ton” would mean for you, then work backwards to something you feel reasonable and mature about tolerating. Maybe every Friday you hang out with your friends and she’s free to have a date night, because you wouldn’t be hanging out with her anyway. Maybe you decide that you’re OK with her going out as long as she plans it in advance so you’re not Surprise Alone on random nights. Or maybe you’re less fussed about specific times she does other stuff as long as she honors your Date Nights. Your worries might be entirely unfounded - she might also be envisioning the same sort of arrangement as you. Work together, knowing exactly what’s important to you, to make this work for both of you.

Which leads me to your final question: Is there a way to make this work? My answer is YES, because of you. Your attitude - “let’s figure out how to make this work” - has led you to the right place.

You’ve already identified what are your “non negotiables” in this, which means you’ve also identified where you’re open to change or compromise. Starting from here, you’ll be able to honestly and openly lay out for her what you want, how you’re feeling, and what she can do to make this go smoothly for you. Then ask her what you can do to help this go smoothly for her. You’re both on the same side, the same team. You have the same goal: make it possible for your wife to pursue something new and exciting without damaging the relationship you two have and cherish.

Been in relationship for almost 19 years. Partner over the years has secretly had relationships with various woman at different points in time. Eventually I find out. I am hurt by the betrayal and lack of honest communication. I forgive and partner never wants to stop having relationship with me. We recently started looking at polyamory. Still navigating and seeing what this looks like for myself. Partner begins talking to a person he has cheated in past with multiple times. I have strong negative feelings about this. I want open and honest conversation but this does not make me feel this the case. I feel that polyamory discussion was brought up to open the door for relationship with this other woman. I see a lot of positive in polyamory and would like to explore but Partner messaging this woman causes jealousy that I am having a hard time processing. He reassures that he loves me and would never hurt me but is standoff on discussion about polyamory. He states "I will control who i text, call, talk to, like, hate, love or want." which I respect but I would like open communication. This woman is supposedly poly as well according to partner. Who is in relationship with a man who is not interested in poly. He says they both agree not to go forward past friendship with my consent. But I resent they had this discussion prior to my partner and I having discussion on what poly means for our relationship. My partner says he doesn't want to be controlled. I am the major decision maker for our house, family and finances by default. He tends to not want to be and puts the final say to me. Does he resent that?? Am I wrong to want more open communication about our relationship and this relationship with this other woman?

I understand that the dissolution of a 19 year relationship is a major thing, but my recommendation is to throw the whole man out. He has a history of being dishonest with you and secretly going behind your back to do things he knows you’re not okay with. Whatever he is promising you now, I doubt he will keep those promises.

He is already not doing a great job at making this relationship transition. He is refusing to have open communication and accusing you of trying to “control” him when you express ANY needs or desires here. And it sounds like he has you convinced that this is somehow your fault, or at the very least, not his fault.

Leave this dude. You are not wrong. You have given him MANY chances to demonstrate that he is capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship with you on a variety of different terms. He has never succeeded. You have made compromises, but he has not met you halfway.

im always open about wanting a poly relationship, but recently I realized I cant do mono forever & told my partner. They were a little hurt, but ultimately said they wanted to open the relationship. Since then though, they've broken down crying about it twice (haven't even been with anyone else yet). I dont feel right about this, but they keep insisting its better than losing me. They refused counseling with me, & idk what else to do. Theyre REALLY going through a lot rn, but idk if i can stay

What are some good questions to ask at the beginning of changing a monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one? My husband and I recently decided to make this change, we've talked about it for a while and this is something we've agreed on. However, I want to make sure we cover all our bases on everything that might need to be discussed.

First off - and I know this isn't the answer you were looking for - let go of the idea that you can actually get all your bases covered. There is no foolproof way to ensure that no one gets hurt or that nothing unexpected comes up. You can't prepare for everything. This isn't just true of opening up a relationship - it's true of everything. I just listened to a podcast about the killing of Osama bin Laden - they had everything lined up perfectly, all their "bases covered," and then a helicopter crashed. Some things you just can't protect yourself from, even if you prepare thoroughly.

But, you are correct that there are things you can do to lay a strong foundation for your relationship. My recommendations - and this is not an exhaustive list - are to at least discuss:

What are your best-case-scenarios? Indulge in daydreams and outline exactly what you'd get in a perfect world. Do both of your fantasy futures line up perfectly? (If so, one of you probably isn't being totally honest.) Where there are gaps, dig in and discuss. Consider reading accounts of polyamory (check my resources page) and discussing what you do and don't like, what you do and don't want, etc.

What are your worst-case-scenarios? What are you most afraid of? What would be a complete dealbreaker for you? Relatedly, what are some "rough spots" you anticipate not enjoying, but wouldn't consider absolute dealbreakers? Again, wherever you two aren't totally aligned, dig in and discuss.

How do you two plan to present this new relationship to friends, family, and potential new partners? Do either of you have personal or professional concerns? How will you present a united front? Does someone want to be more open or more private about this than the other person? How will you navigate that?

How are you defining everything? For words you two have been using (monogamous, polyamorous, relationship, partner, sex, etc.) make sure you two have the same definition. It's easy to assume you both mean the same thing when you say "relationship," but that's actually a pretty nebulous word!

How will you manage "couples privilege"? This probably will come up in your best-case/worst-case discussion and your definitions talk, but should be placed on the table explicitly. Are you going into this as a solid couple unit who will make decisions together about new partners, whether to re-close the relationship, etc. or are you two polyamorous individuals free to explore dating externally? If being polyamorous together doesn't work out, is your intention to re-close the relationship or break up?

My partner and I are trying to be poly. How does it work between you and your partner(s)? How did you start -- conversations, reading, meeting people? What is your network like? What is the relationship between and among people in your network?

These are huge, broad questions that would take a long time to type full answers to. I strongly encourage you to read through my FAQ and the archives of this blog, and check out the resources linked here. There are tons of first-person accounts, examples, interviews, anecdotes, etc. that can provide a range of answers to the questions you posed here.

I get variations on this question a lot - and it's a tough situation. It can be difficult to bring up the concept of polyamory with a monogamous partner without triggering a lot of fear, anger, jealousy, and other difficult feelings that can derail the conversation.

My advice would be to leave this other girl out of the conversation, at least for now. Bring up polyamory as an idea, as a way of thinking about relationships. Because that's what it is. It's not "permission to cheat," it's not "I'm getting bored of you," it's not "something is missing from our relationship" - it's "hey, there's another model of relationships out there, and I've been thinking more about it. What are your thoughts?"

And then it's important to really hear your partner out and try to understand their perspective. (This will be good practice for if you do end up trying polyamory - communication skills are a must.) It can be tempting just to listen for weak arguments that you can poke holes in, or try to challenge everything they say with something well-reasoned or defensive. Don't do this. Listen, openly and with a mind to understand, not to convince. 

Most people aren't stupid, and they'll realize that you're bringing this up for serious discussion because it's something you've been thinking about. Be prepared with what you'll say, but again, don't come at it like a defense attorney. Respond to what your partner said and answer their questions, after you've listened enough to fully understand where they're coming from, and leave the conversational gates open for more discussion.