#pointedtoe

Oil pastel on paper.

ballerina 🩰

I just want to achieve my goal- the goal I've had since i was 2,but I honestly dont know if I can do it. i don't think I'm strong enough. mum and dad tell me I don't have the determination or the drive to make it. I feel like a fucking disappointment. I gave up everything for ballet- my social life, my academics, my good mental health, having a healthy well-functioning body. my friends and I spend every day in the ballet studio striving for perfection, sometimes working so hard we throw up. I've been competing since I was 9,I should be used to it by now but sometimes I just get overwhelmed- I cant show that I'm not okay though,all the younger kids at the studio look up to me and my friend group, we have to be strong for them, we have to always be positive always have to be a good role model. some of the parents told me their children look up to me so much and every time they see me dance ask when they can be like charlie. I dont want to be their inspiration,I'm not good enough for that. I'm not skinny enough, my technique isnt good enough,im not smart enough, not positive enough, not kind enough, I'm not determined enough. I cant be these kids inspiration- I will just let them down. My dream has been to get into a full time ballet school before im 16,that's months away and audition season has been cancelled this year- its known in the dance community that if you're not full time by 16 you don't have a chance. I feel like I've let down everyone- my parents, teachers, the younger kids that look up to me, my younger self. I'm sorry little charlie that I probably wont achieve your dreams.