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just a bundle of joy, aren't I? I wanted so get some work on those essays done (we have THREE to work on and none of them are finished) but the only thing they'll let me do is draw. I'm not even good at it! the anatomy is all messed up, but I will admit the tears are good. The reason it's so black and gray is because I have no idea who I am. I feel like a mask, so I'm drawing something that kind of,, resembles that, I guess. I have no identity but I'm great at faking others.
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I'm gonna be honest, trying to make system friends on a place like VRChat Sucks.
Dingus let me come hang out with his system friends today and I even accepted a friend request of one of them because they happened to share a discord server with me but not too long before they had to get off I decided to have a little check of their groups, because that's just what people do in VRChat
Big Mistake
The worst part about looking at someone's groups is that they're in alphabetical order, which means that a group called "Anti Endos" would be either at or very close to the top.
I felt really really bad and like slowly moved away from them and unfriended them and I really hope they don't notice that I unfriended them because then they'll just start asking questions and then they'll either figure it out or I'll let it slip that we&'re an endogenic system and then All Hell Will Break Loose
I really don't want to abandon Dingus or have his friends pull him away from me because of it and I'm honestly really freaking out about it but I'm trying to calm down because it's stupid to freak out over
I wish my existence wasn't treated as a joke or as fake. I exist. Let me exist.
Frankly, I feel like I've opened Pandora's box and I'm a little scared to know if there really are other guys in my head-- bc if there are, first of all
That's a can of worms I'm gonna have to figure out.n
Secondly :// feels bad they're like. Locked up in there for who knows how long at a time?? Like do you wanna come out? Do you want... Some cheese? Do we All know how to play violin? What's going on?
And it seems so arbitrary but I still have my doubts due to like. Little things. Like although I feel like my style choices are definitely segmented, I think I primarily enjoy dressing only two or three ways really and everything else makes me viscerally uncomfortable. I also feel like. I always remember things like my trauma, even if I can't remember things like Instructions or even entire sections of/entire days unless I try really hard
Or Like. Nobody really mentions me acting "strangely" or "differently" I think my handwriting is pretty consistent and I usually remember most things. I think. But at the same time, this has happened with every Disorder I've ever had ever. but also I'm still learning and could have some major major misconceptions!!
But like. There's a guy up there! I see him! (For lack of better word) so like. What am I even talking about? Maybe we're all just. Really similar. I spoke with a friend about it and they compared it to masking, only really intense and like they've all got different names-- which like, yes that feels pretty accurate to my experience
The only thing is they don't have names but that's probably bc I didn't even know they were There but now I'm feeling notable ups and downs in things like dysphoria intensity, and like. Connection vs. disconnection from things like my name and body and things like that
why does this body only listen when they want it to
Okay so part two
There's an extra guy in my brain and he says hi
But that like. Essentially All he says atm. Like he feels like a whole different person but like. We don't know eachother like that....
It's like. He's more straight forward I suppose?? That's about the extent of my knowledge of this dude
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You know, I'm starting to mourn the reality I've been forced to leave behind. It wasn't the most kind to me, of course, but I still miss that world so much. And, as nice as this world can be sometimes, it can never replace those memories.
