Tw: sexual mentions(masturbation), unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm, sexual exploitation, mental hospitals, suicidal ideation and mentions of my abuser, please please please scroll if you canāt take any of this this actually my biggest warning yet, please donāt read ahead if you canāt take these topics, thank you.
The urge to relapse is so fucking strong, itās like itās screaming at me, begging me to give in, pulling me, clawing at my chest to bruise me and put me in so much pain I just let it back in to my soul, the urges man the fucking urges , recently, small things or just relating to things have sent me into a bad mood, recently Iāve been having bad nights, shit, I even cried earlier at the thought of a moot never talking to me again and had to go back to sleep. First time Iāve cried in months. I will let anyone abuse and mistreat me or walk over me yet cry the moment they try to leave (just talking abt the past), itās getting so bad I actually might let myself get admitted despite all the bad things Iāve heard about mental hospitals. Maybe Iāll stay my 3 days then cut so huge that my mom has to send me back so I keep going back so Iām less ficked up. God I want to cut , I canāt FUCKKNG masturbate to cope cuz Iām cutting my ai addiction, which means I canāt use it anymore for anything , and I canāt bother my partner about it cause they are busy, plus they clearly havenāt been doing good too, itās just a shitty mess. And my therapist noted that since I donāt have my mom for comfort, love or support then thatās why I turn to others for it , hence why I sometimes cling to relationships for that, because friends are too platonic for the love, comfort and support I need. I canāt fully vent to others because if i did, either Iād be seen as disgusting because I use masturbating for coping, sleeping for coping, and I isolate so much, I know what help I need but refuse it, I canāt beat my ai addiction but hopefully I can this time, but I also like to make myself worse so that one day I finally kill myself, and that therapy doesnāt help at all, and that I sometimes miss my abuser who sexually exploited me and manipulated me and yet I still try to stalk them online just cause I miss them that badly. My god the urge to relapse and get so fucked up. Because I am fucked up. And nothing really helps anymore. Iām failing all my classes, not doing good on state tests so far (at least in my opinion), pretending like everything is fine and just pushing away the fact I really need to seek help, and so much more. I wish I could really be locked in my room, sometimes I wish I could run away, sometimes I want to sneak out just so I can walk around freely. There so much I want to do, so many things I want to do to MYSELF. And itās so clear that my thoughts of suicide are getting worse. I dunno man Im just so fucking tired and so fucked up and just a horrible fucking person for just existing. God I wish that when I was born I died. I wish instead of my older brother it was me that was the stillborn. I wish it was me instead of him. He deserved a life more than me. And I feel even more shitty because we forgot to celebrate his 15th birthday 3 days ago. And to that, I say to Micheal jr, Iām so fucking sorry man I shouldāve reminded everyone, but fuck man itās getting so much worse itās actually never been so bad I missed my abuser, itās never been so bad that I actually want to relapse so bad. Itās never been THIS bad. Never. Iāve even dropped my brother many times on his head on accident and did and still blame myself for anything and I literally broke down the first time I accidentally dropped him. My emotions are weird, either Iām very emotional, or Iām emotionless, the only thing that snaps me out of emotionless spells or wtv itās called is either masturbation or just sitting with it. Iām just so tired of this life. I need a new one. Not just that, but also just a new family and a full restart on my life, just something. I truly donāt see a life for me past 18, shit, I donāt even think Iāll survive 14 at this rate, things are just getting so bad. I dunno Iām sorry I canāt finish this vent if I go any longer Iāll end up saying shit Iāll actually get yelled at over. (All I can say is that it was all cause of monkey see, monkey do. Only 2 ppl are even aware of it.)
