#playingchello

Victory doesn’t feel like victory for Levi. The outcome of the battle ends up being decided in one last move, and it’s only after a tense moment of waiting for the dust and steam to clear that Levi sees it has turned out in their favour. Eren emerges from the fight looking exhausted, but even from a distance Levi can tell he’s relieved and proud, his head held up and his shoulders square. Even though he’s young, and even though he stands alone, Levi thinks he makes an impressive sight, a single strong figure amongst the wreckage.

But as every Survey Corps member should know, the mission isn’t over until they are back through the gate and on home ground, and for them that will still be a while away. Plus there is the unspoken fact that not everyone is coming back alive and uninjured. Still, the defining moment is when they return to Karanese and are welcomed positively instead of with distrustful whispers and suspicious eyes. Levi can’t say he hates the change. Erwin's formal announcement will only improve their public reputation further, and the relatively grand entrance they had just made had put a rare smile on the commander’s face.

Humanity gains so much that day.

As Eren rides slightly ahead and to the side of him, Levi barely has to turn his head to see the tears rolling down the boy’s cheeks. Eren's smile hasn’t faltered since they set out from Shiganshina, and Levi can’t remember him ever raising a hand to wipe his cheeks, so he knows Eren is crying due to happiness.

Levi, on the other hand, feels hollow in the aftermath. Success hasn’t miraculously made him sleep better. It hasn’t cleansed him of guilt or taken away his nightmares. But thankfully, Eren is there to fill the emptiness inside him. In his head, his thoughts are only of Eren. In his ears, he can hear Eren's voice and laughter, the sounds that he has become most attuned to. In his stomach, Eren puts butterflies and other strange sensations that Levi thinks he’ll never get used to.

Before, they had been together out of necessity, mostly. Now, they are together out of choice. Days with the squad are more carefree. Days with just the two of them are blissful. Without war on the horizon, they can settle into a routine that involves casual conversation instead of training drills, and late evenings that lead to late mornings.

Levi worries that Eren is being so cheerful only to hide his pain; he has recently dealt with betrayal and still has a weight on his shoulders, after all. But when he asks, Eren speaks truthfully about how he feels, how the closure had healed something inside him. It is a deep talk, perfectly suited for the night hour, full of trust and understanding. Levi learns so much, and afterwards sleeps soundly knowing that Eren has matured so much in such a short time. Their lives have changed so much, and Eren's influence is evident in almost everything Levi does. He doesn’t want to live without him, Levi realises.

And so the sun rises, and Levi finally allows himself to fall in love.

There is around a year of adjustment, making sure the titans have truly been eradicated and then taking back the land that was stolen from them. Rebuilding, repopulating, and rejoicing. With things only getting better, Levi can say that he has no regrets if everything in his life has led to this point.

Since there is nothing stopping him anymore, Eren plans to leave the walls and find his treasured ocean. Levi is encouraging of the journey, remembering clearly the time that he had overheard Eren and his friends talking about their dream, back when hope had been such an unusual thing to have. Although Eren invites him to join, Levi declines this first trip, knowing that it’s something special for him, Armin, and Mikasa to do as just the three of them. When they discover where it is, Levi can go the next time, he says. Word of the trio’s upcoming departure spreads, and Levi has to convince Hanji not to intrude or interfere, despite their overwhelming enthusiasm. Whenever Eren looks at him, Levi can easily see how grateful he is for the support. That’s what makes it all worth it.

On the dawn of the day they are due to leave, Levi keeps Eren in bed so that he can hold him tightly and kiss him until he’s bright red. It’s almost nostalgic to see him and the other two in their uniform and gear. Levi helps them ready the horses – three to ride and two more to carry extra food and equipment – but then stands back and watches wordlessly as they each hop into the saddles. He had promised himself he wouldn’t let Eren's last image of him be one of sadness, but finds himself unable to smile now that it’s happening. It’s ridiculous, he thinks. Armin will be in charge of their course and plotting the map, and Mikasa would never let anything hurt the people most important to her, so Eren is in perfectly good hands.

Levi steels himself once they’re set and waving their goodbyes to the small congregation of friends who have come to see them off. He steps up to the side of Eren's horse and catches his attention. Looking up into those beautiful eyes, Levi's nerves evaporate.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” he says, just loud enough for Eren to hear, his gaze unwavering. Eren stares back, his expression soft and tender in a way that makes Levi's heart flutter. He sits up straighter, squeezes his reins in his fists, and takes a deep breath.

“I love you.” Levi is stunned slightly by those three words he never tires of hearing, but blinks back to reality when he notices the lull in the noise coming from everyone else. A grin stretches across Eren's face but Levi is doing his best to fight a blush. They had only said that to each other in private, but it seems like the whole group had heard what Eren said. Armin is glancing sidelong at Eren, a sly smile on his face, while Mikasa rolls her eyes. Levi can feel eyes on his back, Hanji, or Erwin, or both, but refuses to turn around to actually see their expressions. He can guess that they’ll be disgustingly knowing, despite Levi being furtive about his evolved relationship with Eren.

No more words are said, with Levi suddenly feeling self-conscious and Eren's shameless version of a goodbye being the final one. The trio trots out of the gate, passing from shadow to sunshine, and then speed up, hooves pounding over the ground. Eren's delighted whooping travels back to Levi before the groan of the gate mechanisms drowns it out. Since he can’t watch Eren's back anymore, Levi attempts to slip away silently. Unfortunately for him, though, Erwin and Hanji follow, and he can’t escape for long.

Hanji's brand of teasing and questioning is worse than Erwin's subtle hinting and perceptiveness, but only by a small margin. But the worst part of all is not having Eren to relax with once they’ve had their fun. On-duty, Levi can distract himself and keep busy, but off-duty comes with silence and an empty bed. At night he misses him fiercely. Though people hadn’t expected him to, he volunteers often in clearing old towns of rubble and useless material, helping bring in wood and brick so that the builders don’t have to. The manual labour is hard, but exhaustion is better at overpowering his insomnia than tea.

Months pass. If Levi isn’t at a construction site near the outer wall, he’s back inside Sina, either with Erwin and Historia in meetings, or visiting her orphanage. It quickly becomes the easiest place to be. There’s always some noise and mouths to feed, and Levi admittedly feels he has purpose there. The kids are friendly and talk about themselves more than they ask questions, once they’ve opened up to him. He spends hours there some days, reading and cleaning.

There hadn’t been a way to estimate how long it would take the trio to return. The ocean could take months just to get to, and in the end they had simply taken as much food as they could transport and hoped for the best. But no one had thought they’d be out for more than a year.

It’s been two when Levi really starts thinking the worst. When they passed the one year mark, he had been worried, but had been able to hide it. By now, even Hanji is visibly concerned. Gone is the teasing, and the optimism that 18 months would be the likely time. Levi doesn’t see Hanji as much, since they’ve moved from titan research to advancing current technology with the information that the Military police had been hiding, but they start to make time to see him, sometimes just bringing their work along with them during their visits. If there’s one thing Levi hates, it’s being fussed over. But in his boredom, listening to Hanji talk isn’t as bad as it used to be.

Five years.

Erwin seeks him out, too. His serious talks leave a sour taste in Levi's mouth, so he mostly tries to avoid them. Occasionally, Erwin will be the one getting things off his chest, though. His grief for Mike, the truth about his father; Levi barely wants to listen while he’s so anxious about Eren, but he does anyway. Depressingly, he empathises. Erwin has lost nearly everyone close enough to him to confide in. But he stops him on certain conversations, like when Erwin had asked about his health and how he’s been ‘coping’. Levi feels sick upon hearing that word, one that implies a loss, implies a death.

Eight years.

Eren isn’t dead. He can’t be. He had Armin and Mikasa, and his titan ability. They are all trained soldiers, veterans in their own right. With Armin in charge of the map, it is unlikely that they would be lost somewhere, but it is a possibility. Maybe the map had been burnt at their campfire, or dropped in a river, or the vast ocean. Maybe they really are still trying to find it, the water that goes beyond the horizon. Or they could’ve found it early and thought it would be better to continue on to the ice fields or somewhere else as magnificent. The horses could’ve been spooked and bolted one day, so they’re making the journey home on foot. The world is obviously much larger than anyone had expected. Levi has gone through what seems like every scenario. There’s no way the worst one is true.

Levi refuses to believe that he’s already seen Eren for the last time.

+++++

Levi is playing a new game when it happens. One of the other kids call him captain, and suddenly his vision is blurring and his knees hit the grass hard as he stumbles. All noise fades into the background, replaced by a ringing in his ears and echoes of that same title. He blinks down at his hands – too small – and sits up to wave of the others crowding around him. He just tripped, he tells them. But his eyes can’t focus on their faces. They look like strangers for a second. His brain can’t decide whether he knows them or not.

Standing up, he looks down at his ten-year-old body and sees it well-fed and dressed in hand-sewn clothing. Other than the new scuff marks on the knees, his outfit is clean. And above him the sky is blue and painted with white clouds.

None of it feels right.

Where is the underground? Why isn’t his hair long and scraggly, his stomach empty, his skin ghostly-pale? Why is he Levi but also not Levi?

He sees no walls boxing him in. There’s a wheat field to his left, but… yes, it belongs to his family. His father is hardworking, his mother is social and good with bread. His mother is dead, not dead. He has two mothers? His family is still poor, but they get by. No animals, only wheat. He can’t remember if he has any siblings. That thought plagues him until he makes it home, dazed and mostly mute. In the evening, his mother, that woman, tells him to go to bed and he just stares at her. How ridiculous to think he could sleep this early with his chronic problem.

Apparently his insomnia is cured. Either that or he never had it. But the next night he has strange dreams that don’t make sense.

When he’s fourteen he dreams of Eren and he knows. It’s like the brunet himself had come to help him reconcile what he now knows is his past and his present. Years of thinking he’s crazy, and suddenly the answer seems so simple. He had another life. A previous life, in which he remembers some things and not others. He must have died but he doesn’t recall how.

He remembers he didn’t have Eren with him for a long time.

But with all this only comes more questions. Why has this happened to him, and what should he do? If he really is thinking about this right, then that life is over, as well as all the people in it. In school, he had learnt about the Great Walls coming down. But that was history, one hundred years or so before his birth.

By twenty, all he feels is alone. Despite his grand ideas as a child, he doesn’t have enough money to travel. No horse, no opportunity. As the only child in his family, he must stay and help on the farm. Business is good, he can’t ruin it. Especially when he knows he won’t be marrying like his parents want. He’s grown up with all the girls in his village, and none of the boys appeal to him either. Not when he has memories of someone who matched him so much better. Eren is unique, and no one comes close to his looks or personality. Even now, Levi can feel his influence. Any relationship he starts would be a lie.

One year a travelling library comes to his hometown. The Survey Corps is still a strong military branch, and there are even stories that sound familiar to him in some books. But there is no record of an Eren beyond a certain point. At twenty-two he shouldn’t be crying in broad-daylight, but he leaves the book-filled wagons inexplicably choked-up.

There’s another reason he doesn’t make more effort to leave. How will he know that anyone else has been reborn? The more he thinks about it, the more it feels like a curse, a burden he must carry alone. If it’s just him, then he would have wasted his life searching and left his aging parents for nothing. Although his mind sometimes slips, he does love them both, and they’ve done nothing but their best for him.

So he stays.

+++++

The next time, the transition into awareness of his past is much smoother. Once again, he remembers as a child, in school this time. The language of his native country has a common word that sounds similar to his old name, and apparently that is enough to trigger his memories. But no one teaches of the walls here. His class is not educated on that history, and Levi is half-afraid that it only exists in his head, a made-up world that never existed.

The contrast in scenery is far greater this time, too. Dusty plains surround his small city, and it is rare to see clouds gathering that are large enough to block out the harsh heat of the sun. Men ride camels instead of horses, and must shade themselves in the middle of the day.

Levi grows up content, but can’t help thinking that Eren would fit right in with the people here, the hustle and bustle of the narrow streets.

Sometimes, on his days off from work, he will go to a sheltered spot on a rooftop on one of the buildings at the outskirts of the city, and wastes time watching travellers and traders come and go. Hours pass pondering where people have come from, what they have seen. In the back of his mind, Levi knows he’s holding onto hope, to the slim chance that he will see Eren ride back through that archway, looking just as he remembers him. But he recognises no one, day after day, week after week. That is, until one day, when he is twenty-six.

The whole city is talking as word spreads of a political meeting soon to take place in the palace. Foreign dignitaries from a far off land are coming to speak for some unknown reason, and rumours multiply until Levi has no idea what to believe. But his boss is taking the day off for family issues, so when they arrive, Levi is back on his rooftop, perched on the edge for a clear view. And there, in the middle of the group, Levi spots a stranger with a familiar face.

The man’s hair is closer to light brown than blonde and touches his shoulders, and he wears clothes Levi has never seen before, but his straight-cut features, and broad build…

Levi bets his right arm its Erwin. He can see how big the man’s eyebrows are even from his high seat.

Heart racing at the discovery, Levi scans the rest of the incoming nobles. Only one other catches his eye, a taller man just behind Erwin who wears a hat pulled so low over his eyes that Levi wonders how he can even steer his mount. Levi can’t put his finger on what it is about him that makes him pause – he’s not Eren so why should it matter. As they pass under him, Levi decides to put it down to the man’s ridiculous size, or the fact that he is the only one in the convoy with such scruffy facial hair.

Erwin doesn’t look up at all, and therefore doesn’t see Levi spying on him. But just from that minute of looking, Levi has decided to take a risk on a theory.

There are others out there. He can find Eren.

+++++

Working as a blacksmith’s apprentice is sweaty and made his whole body ache when he was younger, but now Levi excels in his craft. The skin of his hands has toughened, and his arms are thick with muscle to work the furnace and hammer. Although he’s still in his master’s workshop, he’s probably good enough to leave and make a name for himself if he wants to. But he has a good life where he is, and his master treats him like a son.

The first time he remembers what it’s like to not have a father is when Erwin walks into the blacksmith’s and his old life flashes before his eyes. The blonde man stares at him while he endures the adjustment process, clenching his fists and reminding himself that he’s only nineteen, and hasn’t actually seen any of the places or people filling his head. His master gives him a concerned glance as he puts down his tools to speak with their new customer, since Levi is still reeling.

Of all the people, he just had to meet Erwin twice. The fact did make Levi angry, but he pushed the feeling aside. Meeting anyone is better than meeting no one.

“My apprentice can do that for you,” his master says, obviously ending a deal even though Levi hadn’t been listening. Familiar blue eyes settle on him, but Levi looks only at his master, nodding in acceptance and thanks. He later learns that his assignment is a simple broadsword, certainly well within his skill level. But Levi drags the job on for longer than necessary. His master thinks it’s his perfectionism making him slow, but truthfully, it’s because he needed an excuse for this incarnation of Erwin to come by the shop often.

They both remember, about each other and the titans. Levi has much to ask him. Erwin seems to have kept his calculating nature and intelligence, and Levi feels most like himself when he doesn’t have to hide half the thoughts in his head around him.

Erwin hasn’t met Eren. But he has seen a small number of other people, he reveals. All by chance, though, so Levi has no clues to how best to find his beloved.

Eventually, Levi can’t hold on to the finished sword any longer. He takes Erwin's full commission and the man leaves with a small smile on his face, admiring his new weapon. For a week and a half, he debates packing his bags and leaving to see the world, actively trying to find people like Erwin does.

Then, two weeks after he left, Erwin comes back. However, this time he’s not alone. Levi's only greeting for him is, “You lucky bastard,” pulling off his work gloves to hold out his hand respectfully.

Mike ignores it and squeezes him in a bear-hug. Erwin doesn’t bother muffling his laughter.

+++++

Levi believes less and less in coincidence as he continues to cycle through lives. It feels as though, now that they’ve spoken, Erwin can find him anywhere. Whether he stays in one place or travels alone, Levi's path always ends up crossing Erwin's somewhere down the line. He often has his memories triggered by age ten, and so recognises him every time, but by the tenth time, he sometimes decides to avoid the man.

Even if he doesn’t notice Levi near him, Mike is always by Erwin's side. Depending on their social positions, the relationship between the two may have to stay secret. But it’s always obvious to Levi, in how close they stand, the familiar touches, the way they talk.

The hollow feeling returns every time he has to witness their affection for each other.

Levi is a shell of himself. If coincidence is bullshit, then that only leaves fate. And if he’s reincarnating over and over again for a reason, he would love to know what that reason is. Because Eren is never there. He feels like his own regret is punishing him for not going with him to see the ocean, not protecting him better. He is forced to exist with a gap in his life that can’t be filled.

Mike and Erwin are his ‘cohabiting’ neighbours when he can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t want to see them, doesn’t want to talk to them. He blames them for him feeling the way he does, for rubbing their happiness in his face, life after life.

He snaps. Cusses them out at midnight and is packed by morning. Sells the house and moves country, leaving them behind. Wastes his savings running, and then resents them even more when he’s broke and empty inside. And even when he’s at his darkest point, fate still gives him nothing.

+++++

When he is blinded in an accident in the next life, Levi accepts his karma. Now, if Eren did come to him, he wouldn’t even be able to see him smile. Thinking himself worthless, he barely talks to anyone. In his loneliness, he reflects and looks at himself objectively. He knows he shouldn’t have lashed out like he did, but also sees that he had been reaching boiling point and had been bound to blow at some point. The timing had simply been unlucky.

But he has time to do better.

He’s reborn a slightly jaded and cynical child, given the opportunity for a prestigious education that just so happens to send him away to boarding school. His parent’s dinner parties had never appealed to him, and their associates even less so. They are obviously trying to get rid of him for most of the year, but he doesn’t care. They drop him and his trunk off at the gates and drive away without waiting for him to say goodbye.

He has five roommates. When Erwin walks through the door and sees Levi sitting on his bed, he freezes mid-conversation with Mike and just stares. Levi barely has the energy to be surprised anymore. There’s a long moment of silence.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says, honestly glad that he got to apologise to both of them. They didn’t have to put up with him for as long as they always did, it’s not like they’re contracted together or anything, but he has newfound appreciation for them sticking around.

Forgiveness comes without hesitation. Levi would not admit it, but it turned out to be the best school years he can remember. Some don’t come back to him anymore, since they had been so ordinary and uneventful. He supposes that the same reasoning applies to any lives he had before the one with Eren, which he can’t remember. It’s definitely hard to forget the titans, and even harder to forget love.

With some convincing from Erwin, Levi decides to try becoming famous in an attempt to get Eren to find him, instead of the other way around. At least then Eren could see him and know he’s alive, he agrees. Other options are scarce. In all the lives he’s lived, Levi has seen the world population keep increasing, and people are spread so far these days. If finding Eren had been like finding a needle in a haystack before, surely it is nigh impossible now.

But it’s so awful without him, Levi can’t give up.

+++++

Levi has been so many things – a charitable millionaire businessman, a famous jockey, an Olympic athlete, a rockstar who burned out too soon – before the pessimism sets back in. All of his vocations had been so mentally and physically exhausting, and his emotions had never been especially stable in the first place, so he tells Erwin that he needs a break. He needs room to breathe.

They find each other online in this life, using modern technology and key phrases that Erwin had suggested four lifetimes ago. Despite what some people say about technology ruining relationships, Levi is extremely grateful for the way it helps him keep in contact in a simple way. To him, Erwin and Mike’s support is just as good through the phone as it is in person.

His version of ‘taking a break’ just means being completely ordinary. He has a family that consists of only him and his mother, and he studied hard to make her proud and go to a good university. The monotony can be hard to deal with in its own way, but Levi likes his simple life. He lives in an apartment with his cat, and Erwin and Mike are living happily together three time-zones away from him. He’s frugal, and neat, and a bit of a loner, but there are so many ways to distract himself from stress, such as gaming and reality TV shows.

Other students on his course don’t find him very approachable, but when they are assigned their first group project, he is luckily paired with the one person who would never be passive-aggressive with him. His partner is the smartest in the class, too, which doesn’t hurt. He is a young man of Indian descent, Levi guesses from his hair and skin tone, but has unusually light eyes and a button nose. Although he appears nervous at first, Levi assures him he’s punctual and wants the credits just as much as he does. After that, they work quite well together, not always in sync, but willing to compromise.

Since neither of them minds some background noise, they usually meet in a café just off campus to speak about the topic in person. After a particularly productive session, they part ways just outside the door with a promise to meet again in a few days. Since the weather isn’t terrible, Levi had opted to just walk to the café and back. He quickly checks his phone for any messages, pocketing it once he’s replied to one from his mother.

Glancing down the street before he starts crossing, he pauses with one foot on the curb, watching his project partner get into a little black car a few metres away. There’s a guy behind the wheel who makes Levi do a double-take. From Levi's perspective, he can only see his profile and messy hair, but when Levi waits a few seconds and sees him turn his head, his knees almost buckle.

It’s Eren. It has to be. Levi has dreamed of his face for so long, and no one has ever looked anything similar until now. He doesn’t care that he’s staring, or that his project partner in the passenger seat is hesitantly waving at him as the car drives past, because finally he has a chance.

The next three days are torture. Erwin can’t calm him down over video chat, and Mike keeps texting him for updates that don’t come. He misses a couple of calls from his mother and has to tell a white lie to reassure her it’s just from overworking. Tomorrow is the day he has another meeting with his project partner – Armin, Eren's friend with childishly round features, it must be Armin, how could he forget – and he can’t concentrate for long enough to make a plan.

He arrives at the café half an hour early, running on only three hours of sleep but looking mostly presentable. In the months of being in the same class as Armin twice a week, he never got any indication that the boy recognised him, and if he doesn’t remember or if Levi is wrong about this whole thing then he’s going to seem crazy for asking anything. But Levi has nothing to lose. Ruining one person’s opinion of him won’t matter. He only needed answers.

Just like he had been hoping for, Armin arrives in the same car, with the same driver. Levi is walking over to their parking space before he can stop himself, surprising Armin as he shuts the passenger-side door.

“Oh, hi. Have you been waiting lo—?”

“Armin.” Levi interrupts him, expression serious. He barely blinks, looking carefully for the flash of remembrance in Armin's eyes.

He can’t breathe when he sees those eyes light up. Armin is speechless, his earlier confusion completely gone. Shaking his head, seemingly without realising he’s doing it, he waves his hands in the direction of the car, then turns and starts gesturing at...

Eren steps out of the car. For Levi, it’s like he’s watching it in slow motion, or from underwater since everything is slow and his lungs still aren’t working. Armin is saying something, perhaps, but Levi can only hear his heartbeat in his ears.

Having never fainted before, Levi can’t tell how close he really is to passing out. It’s only the shaking touch of Eren's fingertips on his cheek that give him something tangible to focus on, grounding him with that gentle sensation.

“Levi,” Eren breathes, voice full of so much emotion in that one word. “You’re really here. You’re… you’re real.” The sound of Eren's voice cracking midsentence brings tears to Levi's eyes. Eren is already crying, those eternally vibrant green eyes watery but refusing to look away.

“Yes, I’m here.” Levi raises a hand to cover and cling to Eren's, which is caressing the side of his face. All at once, he feels so young and so old, happy and sad and foolish. “I’m so glad I finally found you.”

Eren steps forward and flings his arms around Levi's neck, hugging him tightly. 

“Thank you. Thank you for waiting for me to come back to you.” Levi takes a deep breath, pressing himself flush to Eren's chest. For the first time in too many lifetimes, Levi fully relaxes. To the side, Armin wipes a tear, overjoyed at the reunion.

“It won’t have to happen again. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you,” Eren whispers, hiccupping through a laugh.