#ererisecretsanta

Patience tries weary souls.

Snow blankets the quiet, dark streets in pristine white, the cities asleep beneath the heavy news.  Levi makes his way through the winding country roads on a path homeward, his battle finally won after twenty years.  Legion flags wave proudly in the crisp breeze, fluttering green between the rays of bright moonlight.  The open land is alive again, despite the bitter chill.  

His home is part of a small and modest neighborhood just north of the ruins of Shiganshina.  Eren was opposed to building on top of it, a sentiment Levi shared on his behalf.  The rolling hills and open meadows were a fair consolation prize with their equally modest military stipend.

It’s late into the night and he’s walked from the caravan’s drop off two miles down the road.  Levi is relieved to see the light of the fire glimmering beneath their doorway as he climbs up the creaking steps to their doorway.  

The house is quiet but Levi spots Eren huddled on the floor atop what looks to be every blanket they own.  He’s too close to the flame of the furnace - Levi has warned him about that - but it’s too late and too warm to worry about such things.  They are both safe, perhaps this time for good.  

Levi strips off his boots in the tiled entryway, dusting the fresh snow from his stiff uniform.  Dutiful to an extreme, Eren rouses from where he’s curled up and tosses the blankets aside.  He makes his way to Levi’s side to help remove his coat, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

“You’re free.” Levi’s voice a soft whisper, tired but warm.

Eren pauses before he brushes away the remaining snow from Levi’s hair.  They won’t talk about their neglect to follow the Legion on the following reconnaissance missions, forgoing their wanderlust for good.  Dreams of salted water and fields of sand sound like the musings of grade school children.  

Eren surprised everyone when he said he’d stay behind when the reconnaissance missions begin in spring.  Levi understood, even if no one else did.

Levi lets his head fall against Eren’s chest.  The comfort that comes with intimacy is still foreign to him even after so long.  He still doesn’t remember why he first reached for Eren’s hand.  He doesn’t remember the first time they kissed.

It was only the warmth of fingers brushing across a forehead and a small across the battlefield.  It was the touch of soft lips against calloused hands and the sting of teeth against a neck.  Everything else was a blur beneath blood tinged clothes and cold blades.

Eren touches his face, slides his thumb over his jaw, and follows the motion down his throat.  Levi looks up at him, face unusually slack and expression soft.  “I thought I told you not to wait up for me.”

“I never listen to you, sir,” Eren says with a wry grin.  He begins tugging at Levi’s cravat, following the motion undo the first button on his shirt.  “It’s been too long since you issued any orders.  I must have gotten bad at hearing them.”

Levi ignores the puddle of water gathering around the soles of his boots and tilts his head.  It’s been long enough that the honorific doesn’t go unnoticed.  “Oh?  You want me in charge tonight?”

“One last night before you retire, isn’t that right Major Levi?”  His lips are on Levi’s neck, sucking the spot just below his earlobe and hands tug at Levi’s dress shirt impatiently. He’s always in a hurry.

“You’re sending me straight to hell, kid.”

Eren laughs against his skin, starting to work at Levi’s harness without more contemplation.  Each clasp signifies one step closer to Eren and one step further from the only life they’ve known for more than ten years.  It is perhaps the last time.

“No more meetings in Sina,” Eren mumbles against him.  “No more supply runs.  I get to keep you all to myself.”

Levi scoffs at that, fingers gliding absently up and down Eren’s hips and around his back until Eren drops to his knees.  He makes short work of removing the straps on Levi’s legs, impatience winning over gentleness.  His palm moves up Levi’s thigh and a chill catches Levi off guard.  

He pulls Eren back up and they become a tangle of frantic kisses and firm touches as they stumble into the small living area.  A fresh pot of tea rests on a table near the fireplace, bathing the room in the aromatic scent of cinnamon and lavender petals.  He even had the foresight to gather up the oil from the bedroom.

Eren had put more thought into this than Levi realized.

He whispers against Eren’s lips, a declaration of love and other stupid words.  He’d never had need for such childlike affections but the buoyancy he feels in that moment makes his tongue light as a feather.  

They wind up a mess on the pile of blankets in front of the fire, their sighs and the soft rustle of fabric filling the silent house.  Levi doesn’t wait until Eren’s clothes are off, stopping him with his pants and boxers pulled just past his hips.

“On your knees.”  

Eren flashes his most mischievous smile, shimmying his pants enough to fully expose himself.  He sits back on his heels, running his fingers slowly across his erection.  Levi’s never grown tired of the sight of Eren’s cock or the way it hangs perfectly between his legs.  

Aware, Eren runs his free hand down the dark hairs leading to his groin.  His movements are playful and Levi pauses to study his face, the deep rise and fall of his chest, and the flutter of his lashes against his tan skin.  

Levi discards his shirt, mirroring Eren’s position so their knees are touching.  He pushes a hand into his pants and rubs himself.

Eren pulls on himself and grunts, hips bucking into his hand.  “Wouldn’t you like it better if I was touching you, sir?”

“Kiss me.”

Eren doesn’t hesitate, leaning forward to lick at Levi’s lips, and the balance is thrown off in an instant.  Eren twists him around and shoves his shoulders down toward the ground.  His voice is sardonic, almost smug.  “Changed my mind.”

Levi groans into the blanket, trying to find a suitable position where the tangle of blanket doesn’t dig into his knees.  No such luck.

Sex with Eren has always been push and pull, a continuous fight against Eren’s tightly coiled eagerness and Levi’s distaste for situations out of his control.  

Levi learned early in life that sex is rarely a tender affair and poetics have no place in the bedroom.  Sex is dirty, animalistic, and possessive.  Instinct makes Levi cautious.  Frustration makes him itch. The contradiction of his desires drives him to a state of near madness.  

Levi attempts to raise back up when Eren reaches for the oil but Eren grabs a fistful of hair and urges him back down.  

“I’m going to kill you.”  There is no bite in Levi’s voice.

“I like it when you’re mad.”  

Eren is trying hard to sound impassive but Levi can hear him smiling. He presses an oiled finger against Levi’s hole, briefly pausing before shoving it past the ring of muscle.  Levi flinches beneath him, breathing deep into the sheets.   

He never waits quite long enough before bringing his cock against Levi’s tight hole.  “You ready?”

Levi is about to protest when Eren pushes inside him, one quick and rough movement.

“Fuck you.  Fuck you,” Levi closes his eyes, still muttering, halfway between squirming away and pulling Eren deeper inside of him.  “Fuck.”

Eren knows better than to coddle him.  Instead he drives into Levi harder, holding his hips firmly in place. His voice is raspy, barely controlled.  “This makes you feel good, doesn’t it, Sir?  I don’t want to stop, ok?  You can punish me later if it doesn’t feel good.  I’ll do whatever you want.”

Levi breathes through his teeth, feeling his balls coil at Eren’s words.  “You’re disgusting.”

He cranes his neck to look over his shoulder and Eren flashes a genuine smile, the lines around his eyes exposing the weariness of his otherwise young face. “You’re the one who likes it.”

Being with Eren is a high.  His cock feel obscene, <i>too good</i>, moving inside Levi.  The first time or the hundredth, it’s all the same.  Levi groans, fisting his hands uselessly. Eren is relentless and erratic but it severs all inhibitions between them all the same.  

Levi bites down on his lip to keep from moaning but Eren cries out.  He pounds into Levi in a reckless rhythm, sending strong jolts of pleasure to cover up the mild discomfort.  When Eren’s cries devolve into soft mumblings of nonsense, Levi knows he’s close.  

He pushes back against Eren, teetering on the edge of his own orgasm.  He grabs the base of his cock, not wanting to lose it before Eren and finally lets loose an audible moan.  

Eren comes quickly then, screaming as he does, nails digging into Levi’s hips.  Levi never tires of hearing him when he unravels, the sound pushing him toward his own climax immediately after.

They both collapse and lie still for a long moment, calming their breathing.  For the first time, the end of their amorous activity doesn’t feel foreboding.  It’s no longer an escape from an unforgiving reality.

Levi reaches for Eren’s hand, intertwining their fingers before turning and burying his face in the lull of Eren’s neck.  His heart still beats loud and fast, but the sound is comforting.

Victory doesn’t feel like victory for Levi. The outcome of the battle ends up being decided in one last move, and it’s only after a tense moment of waiting for the dust and steam to clear that Levi sees it has turned out in their favour. Eren emerges from the fight looking exhausted, but even from a distance Levi can tell he’s relieved and proud, his head held up and his shoulders square. Even though he’s young, and even though he stands alone, Levi thinks he makes an impressive sight, a single strong figure amongst the wreckage.

But as every Survey Corps member should know, the mission isn’t over until they are back through the gate and on home ground, and for them that will still be a while away. Plus there is the unspoken fact that not everyone is coming back alive and uninjured. Still, the defining moment is when they return to Karanese and are welcomed positively instead of with distrustful whispers and suspicious eyes. Levi can’t say he hates the change. Erwin's formal announcement will only improve their public reputation further, and the relatively grand entrance they had just made had put a rare smile on the commander’s face.

Humanity gains so much that day.

As Eren rides slightly ahead and to the side of him, Levi barely has to turn his head to see the tears rolling down the boy’s cheeks. Eren's smile hasn’t faltered since they set out from Shiganshina, and Levi can’t remember him ever raising a hand to wipe his cheeks, so he knows Eren is crying due to happiness.

Levi, on the other hand, feels hollow in the aftermath. Success hasn’t miraculously made him sleep better. It hasn’t cleansed him of guilt or taken away his nightmares. But thankfully, Eren is there to fill the emptiness inside him. In his head, his thoughts are only of Eren. In his ears, he can hear Eren's voice and laughter, the sounds that he has become most attuned to. In his stomach, Eren puts butterflies and other strange sensations that Levi thinks he’ll never get used to.

Before, they had been together out of necessity, mostly. Now, they are together out of choice. Days with the squad are more carefree. Days with just the two of them are blissful. Without war on the horizon, they can settle into a routine that involves casual conversation instead of training drills, and late evenings that lead to late mornings.

Levi worries that Eren is being so cheerful only to hide his pain; he has recently dealt with betrayal and still has a weight on his shoulders, after all. But when he asks, Eren speaks truthfully about how he feels, how the closure had healed something inside him. It is a deep talk, perfectly suited for the night hour, full of trust and understanding. Levi learns so much, and afterwards sleeps soundly knowing that Eren has matured so much in such a short time. Their lives have changed so much, and Eren's influence is evident in almost everything Levi does. He doesn’t want to live without him, Levi realises.

And so the sun rises, and Levi finally allows himself to fall in love.

There is around a year of adjustment, making sure the titans have truly been eradicated and then taking back the land that was stolen from them. Rebuilding, repopulating, and rejoicing. With things only getting better, Levi can say that he has no regrets if everything in his life has led to this point.

Since there is nothing stopping him anymore, Eren plans to leave the walls and find his treasured ocean. Levi is encouraging of the journey, remembering clearly the time that he had overheard Eren and his friends talking about their dream, back when hope had been such an unusual thing to have. Although Eren invites him to join, Levi declines this first trip, knowing that it’s something special for him, Armin, and Mikasa to do as just the three of them. When they discover where it is, Levi can go the next time, he says. Word of the trio’s upcoming departure spreads, and Levi has to convince Hanji not to intrude or interfere, despite their overwhelming enthusiasm. Whenever Eren looks at him, Levi can easily see how grateful he is for the support. That’s what makes it all worth it.

On the dawn of the day they are due to leave, Levi keeps Eren in bed so that he can hold him tightly and kiss him until he’s bright red. It’s almost nostalgic to see him and the other two in their uniform and gear. Levi helps them ready the horses – three to ride and two more to carry extra food and equipment – but then stands back and watches wordlessly as they each hop into the saddles. He had promised himself he wouldn’t let Eren's last image of him be one of sadness, but finds himself unable to smile now that it’s happening. It’s ridiculous, he thinks. Armin will be in charge of their course and plotting the map, and Mikasa would never let anything hurt the people most important to her, so Eren is in perfectly good hands.

Levi steels himself once they’re set and waving their goodbyes to the small congregation of friends who have come to see them off. He steps up to the side of Eren's horse and catches his attention. Looking up into those beautiful eyes, Levi's nerves evaporate.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” he says, just loud enough for Eren to hear, his gaze unwavering. Eren stares back, his expression soft and tender in a way that makes Levi's heart flutter. He sits up straighter, squeezes his reins in his fists, and takes a deep breath.

“I love you.” Levi is stunned slightly by those three words he never tires of hearing, but blinks back to reality when he notices the lull in the noise coming from everyone else. A grin stretches across Eren's face but Levi is doing his best to fight a blush. They had only said that to each other in private, but it seems like the whole group had heard what Eren said. Armin is glancing sidelong at Eren, a sly smile on his face, while Mikasa rolls her eyes. Levi can feel eyes on his back, Hanji, or Erwin, or both, but refuses to turn around to actually see their expressions. He can guess that they’ll be disgustingly knowing, despite Levi being furtive about his evolved relationship with Eren.

No more words are said, with Levi suddenly feeling self-conscious and Eren's shameless version of a goodbye being the final one. The trio trots out of the gate, passing from shadow to sunshine, and then speed up, hooves pounding over the ground. Eren's delighted whooping travels back to Levi before the groan of the gate mechanisms drowns it out. Since he can’t watch Eren's back anymore, Levi attempts to slip away silently. Unfortunately for him, though, Erwin and Hanji follow, and he can’t escape for long.

Hanji's brand of teasing and questioning is worse than Erwin's subtle hinting and perceptiveness, but only by a small margin. But the worst part of all is not having Eren to relax with once they’ve had their fun. On-duty, Levi can distract himself and keep busy, but off-duty comes with silence and an empty bed. At night he misses him fiercely. Though people hadn’t expected him to, he volunteers often in clearing old towns of rubble and useless material, helping bring in wood and brick so that the builders don’t have to. The manual labour is hard, but exhaustion is better at overpowering his insomnia than tea.

Months pass. If Levi isn’t at a construction site near the outer wall, he’s back inside Sina, either with Erwin and Historia in meetings, or visiting her orphanage. It quickly becomes the easiest place to be. There’s always some noise and mouths to feed, and Levi admittedly feels he has purpose there. The kids are friendly and talk about themselves more than they ask questions, once they’ve opened up to him. He spends hours there some days, reading and cleaning.

There hadn’t been a way to estimate how long it would take the trio to return. The ocean could take months just to get to, and in the end they had simply taken as much food as they could transport and hoped for the best. But no one had thought they’d be out for more than a year.

It’s been two when Levi really starts thinking the worst. When they passed the one year mark, he had been worried, but had been able to hide it. By now, even Hanji is visibly concerned. Gone is the teasing, and the optimism that 18 months would be the likely time. Levi doesn’t see Hanji as much, since they’ve moved from titan research to advancing current technology with the information that the Military police had been hiding, but they start to make time to see him, sometimes just bringing their work along with them during their visits. If there’s one thing Levi hates, it’s being fussed over. But in his boredom, listening to Hanji talk isn’t as bad as it used to be.

Five years.

Erwin seeks him out, too. His serious talks leave a sour taste in Levi's mouth, so he mostly tries to avoid them. Occasionally, Erwin will be the one getting things off his chest, though. His grief for Mike, the truth about his father; Levi barely wants to listen while he’s so anxious about Eren, but he does anyway. Depressingly, he empathises. Erwin has lost nearly everyone close enough to him to confide in. But he stops him on certain conversations, like when Erwin had asked about his health and how he’s been ‘coping’. Levi feels sick upon hearing that word, one that implies a loss, implies a death.

Eight years.

Eren isn’t dead. He can’t be. He had Armin and Mikasa, and his titan ability. They are all trained soldiers, veterans in their own right. With Armin in charge of the map, it is unlikely that they would be lost somewhere, but it is a possibility. Maybe the map had been burnt at their campfire, or dropped in a river, or the vast ocean. Maybe they really are still trying to find it, the water that goes beyond the horizon. Or they could’ve found it early and thought it would be better to continue on to the ice fields or somewhere else as magnificent. The horses could’ve been spooked and bolted one day, so they’re making the journey home on foot. The world is obviously much larger than anyone had expected. Levi has gone through what seems like every scenario. There’s no way the worst one is true.

Levi refuses to believe that he’s already seen Eren for the last time.

+++++

Levi is playing a new game when it happens. One of the other kids call him captain, and suddenly his vision is blurring and his knees hit the grass hard as he stumbles. All noise fades into the background, replaced by a ringing in his ears and echoes of that same title. He blinks down at his hands – too small – and sits up to wave of the others crowding around him. He just tripped, he tells them. But his eyes can’t focus on their faces. They look like strangers for a second. His brain can’t decide whether he knows them or not.

Standing up, he looks down at his ten-year-old body and sees it well-fed and dressed in hand-sewn clothing. Other than the new scuff marks on the knees, his outfit is clean. And above him the sky is blue and painted with white clouds.

None of it feels right.

Where is the underground? Why isn’t his hair long and scraggly, his stomach empty, his skin ghostly-pale? Why is he Levi but also not Levi?

He sees no walls boxing him in. There’s a wheat field to his left, but… yes, it belongs to his family. His father is hardworking, his mother is social and good with bread. His mother is dead, not dead. He has two mothers? His family is still poor, but they get by. No animals, only wheat. He can’t remember if he has any siblings. That thought plagues him until he makes it home, dazed and mostly mute. In the evening, his mother, that woman, tells him to go to bed and he just stares at her. How ridiculous to think he could sleep this early with his chronic problem.

Apparently his insomnia is cured. Either that or he never had it. But the next night he has strange dreams that don’t make sense.

When he’s fourteen he dreams of Eren and he knows. It’s like the brunet himself had come to help him reconcile what he now knows is his past and his present. Years of thinking he’s crazy, and suddenly the answer seems so simple. He had another life. A previous life, in which he remembers some things and not others. He must have died but he doesn’t recall how.

He remembers he didn’t have Eren with him for a long time.

But with all this only comes more questions. Why has this happened to him, and what should he do? If he really is thinking about this right, then that life is over, as well as all the people in it. In school, he had learnt about the Great Walls coming down. But that was history, one hundred years or so before his birth.

By twenty, all he feels is alone. Despite his grand ideas as a child, he doesn’t have enough money to travel. No horse, no opportunity. As the only child in his family, he must stay and help on the farm. Business is good, he can’t ruin it. Especially when he knows he won’t be marrying like his parents want. He’s grown up with all the girls in his village, and none of the boys appeal to him either. Not when he has memories of someone who matched him so much better. Eren is unique, and no one comes close to his looks or personality. Even now, Levi can feel his influence. Any relationship he starts would be a lie.

One year a travelling library comes to his hometown. The Survey Corps is still a strong military branch, and there are even stories that sound familiar to him in some books. But there is no record of an Eren beyond a certain point. At twenty-two he shouldn’t be crying in broad-daylight, but he leaves the book-filled wagons inexplicably choked-up.

There’s another reason he doesn’t make more effort to leave. How will he know that anyone else has been reborn? The more he thinks about it, the more it feels like a curse, a burden he must carry alone. If it’s just him, then he would have wasted his life searching and left his aging parents for nothing. Although his mind sometimes slips, he does love them both, and they’ve done nothing but their best for him.

So he stays.

+++++

The next time, the transition into awareness of his past is much smoother. Once again, he remembers as a child, in school this time. The language of his native country has a common word that sounds similar to his old name, and apparently that is enough to trigger his memories. But no one teaches of the walls here. His class is not educated on that history, and Levi is half-afraid that it only exists in his head, a made-up world that never existed.

The contrast in scenery is far greater this time, too. Dusty plains surround his small city, and it is rare to see clouds gathering that are large enough to block out the harsh heat of the sun. Men ride camels instead of horses, and must shade themselves in the middle of the day.

Levi grows up content, but can’t help thinking that Eren would fit right in with the people here, the hustle and bustle of the narrow streets.

Sometimes, on his days off from work, he will go to a sheltered spot on a rooftop on one of the buildings at the outskirts of the city, and wastes time watching travellers and traders come and go. Hours pass pondering where people have come from, what they have seen. In the back of his mind, Levi knows he’s holding onto hope, to the slim chance that he will see Eren ride back through that archway, looking just as he remembers him. But he recognises no one, day after day, week after week. That is, until one day, when he is twenty-six.

The whole city is talking as word spreads of a political meeting soon to take place in the palace. Foreign dignitaries from a far off land are coming to speak for some unknown reason, and rumours multiply until Levi has no idea what to believe. But his boss is taking the day off for family issues, so when they arrive, Levi is back on his rooftop, perched on the edge for a clear view. And there, in the middle of the group, Levi spots a stranger with a familiar face.

The man’s hair is closer to light brown than blonde and touches his shoulders, and he wears clothes Levi has never seen before, but his straight-cut features, and broad build…

Levi bets his right arm its Erwin. He can see how big the man’s eyebrows are even from his high seat.

Heart racing at the discovery, Levi scans the rest of the incoming nobles. Only one other catches his eye, a taller man just behind Erwin who wears a hat pulled so low over his eyes that Levi wonders how he can even steer his mount. Levi can’t put his finger on what it is about him that makes him pause – he’s not Eren so why should it matter. As they pass under him, Levi decides to put it down to the man’s ridiculous size, or the fact that he is the only one in the convoy with such scruffy facial hair.

Erwin doesn’t look up at all, and therefore doesn’t see Levi spying on him. But just from that minute of looking, Levi has decided to take a risk on a theory.

There are others out there. He can find Eren.

+++++

Working as a blacksmith’s apprentice is sweaty and made his whole body ache when he was younger, but now Levi excels in his craft. The skin of his hands has toughened, and his arms are thick with muscle to work the furnace and hammer. Although he’s still in his master’s workshop, he’s probably good enough to leave and make a name for himself if he wants to. But he has a good life where he is, and his master treats him like a son.

The first time he remembers what it’s like to not have a father is when Erwin walks into the blacksmith’s and his old life flashes before his eyes. The blonde man stares at him while he endures the adjustment process, clenching his fists and reminding himself that he’s only nineteen, and hasn’t actually seen any of the places or people filling his head. His master gives him a concerned glance as he puts down his tools to speak with their new customer, since Levi is still reeling.

Of all the people, he just had to meet Erwin twice. The fact did make Levi angry, but he pushed the feeling aside. Meeting anyone is better than meeting no one.

“My apprentice can do that for you,” his master says, obviously ending a deal even though Levi hadn’t been listening. Familiar blue eyes settle on him, but Levi looks only at his master, nodding in acceptance and thanks. He later learns that his assignment is a simple broadsword, certainly well within his skill level. But Levi drags the job on for longer than necessary. His master thinks it’s his perfectionism making him slow, but truthfully, it’s because he needed an excuse for this incarnation of Erwin to come by the shop often.

They both remember, about each other and the titans. Levi has much to ask him. Erwin seems to have kept his calculating nature and intelligence, and Levi feels most like himself when he doesn’t have to hide half the thoughts in his head around him.

Erwin hasn’t met Eren. But he has seen a small number of other people, he reveals. All by chance, though, so Levi has no clues to how best to find his beloved.

Eventually, Levi can’t hold on to the finished sword any longer. He takes Erwin's full commission and the man leaves with a small smile on his face, admiring his new weapon. For a week and a half, he debates packing his bags and leaving to see the world, actively trying to find people like Erwin does.

Then, two weeks after he left, Erwin comes back. However, this time he’s not alone. Levi's only greeting for him is, “You lucky bastard,” pulling off his work gloves to hold out his hand respectfully.

Mike ignores it and squeezes him in a bear-hug. Erwin doesn’t bother muffling his laughter.

+++++

Levi believes less and less in coincidence as he continues to cycle through lives. It feels as though, now that they’ve spoken, Erwin can find him anywhere. Whether he stays in one place or travels alone, Levi's path always ends up crossing Erwin's somewhere down the line. He often has his memories triggered by age ten, and so recognises him every time, but by the tenth time, he sometimes decides to avoid the man.

Even if he doesn’t notice Levi near him, Mike is always by Erwin's side. Depending on their social positions, the relationship between the two may have to stay secret. But it’s always obvious to Levi, in how close they stand, the familiar touches, the way they talk.

The hollow feeling returns every time he has to witness their affection for each other.

Levi is a shell of himself. If coincidence is bullshit, then that only leaves fate. And if he’s reincarnating over and over again for a reason, he would love to know what that reason is. Because Eren is never there. He feels like his own regret is punishing him for not going with him to see the ocean, not protecting him better. He is forced to exist with a gap in his life that can’t be filled.

Mike and Erwin are his ‘cohabiting’ neighbours when he can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t want to see them, doesn’t want to talk to them. He blames them for him feeling the way he does, for rubbing their happiness in his face, life after life.

He snaps. Cusses them out at midnight and is packed by morning. Sells the house and moves country, leaving them behind. Wastes his savings running, and then resents them even more when he’s broke and empty inside. And even when he’s at his darkest point, fate still gives him nothing.

+++++

When he is blinded in an accident in the next life, Levi accepts his karma. Now, if Eren did come to him, he wouldn’t even be able to see him smile. Thinking himself worthless, he barely talks to anyone. In his loneliness, he reflects and looks at himself objectively. He knows he shouldn’t have lashed out like he did, but also sees that he had been reaching boiling point and had been bound to blow at some point. The timing had simply been unlucky.

But he has time to do better.

He’s reborn a slightly jaded and cynical child, given the opportunity for a prestigious education that just so happens to send him away to boarding school. His parent’s dinner parties had never appealed to him, and their associates even less so. They are obviously trying to get rid of him for most of the year, but he doesn’t care. They drop him and his trunk off at the gates and drive away without waiting for him to say goodbye.

He has five roommates. When Erwin walks through the door and sees Levi sitting on his bed, he freezes mid-conversation with Mike and just stares. Levi barely has the energy to be surprised anymore. There’s a long moment of silence.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says, honestly glad that he got to apologise to both of them. They didn’t have to put up with him for as long as they always did, it’s not like they’re contracted together or anything, but he has newfound appreciation for them sticking around.

Forgiveness comes without hesitation. Levi would not admit it, but it turned out to be the best school years he can remember. Some don’t come back to him anymore, since they had been so ordinary and uneventful. He supposes that the same reasoning applies to any lives he had before the one with Eren, which he can’t remember. It’s definitely hard to forget the titans, and even harder to forget love.

With some convincing from Erwin, Levi decides to try becoming famous in an attempt to get Eren to find him, instead of the other way around. At least then Eren could see him and know he’s alive, he agrees. Other options are scarce. In all the lives he’s lived, Levi has seen the world population keep increasing, and people are spread so far these days. If finding Eren had been like finding a needle in a haystack before, surely it is nigh impossible now.

But it’s so awful without him, Levi can’t give up.

+++++

Levi has been so many things – a charitable millionaire businessman, a famous jockey, an Olympic athlete, a rockstar who burned out too soon – before the pessimism sets back in. All of his vocations had been so mentally and physically exhausting, and his emotions had never been especially stable in the first place, so he tells Erwin that he needs a break. He needs room to breathe.

They find each other online in this life, using modern technology and key phrases that Erwin had suggested four lifetimes ago. Despite what some people say about technology ruining relationships, Levi is extremely grateful for the way it helps him keep in contact in a simple way. To him, Erwin and Mike’s support is just as good through the phone as it is in person.

His version of ‘taking a break’ just means being completely ordinary. He has a family that consists of only him and his mother, and he studied hard to make her proud and go to a good university. The monotony can be hard to deal with in its own way, but Levi likes his simple life. He lives in an apartment with his cat, and Erwin and Mike are living happily together three time-zones away from him. He’s frugal, and neat, and a bit of a loner, but there are so many ways to distract himself from stress, such as gaming and reality TV shows.

Other students on his course don’t find him very approachable, but when they are assigned their first group project, he is luckily paired with the one person who would never be passive-aggressive with him. His partner is the smartest in the class, too, which doesn’t hurt. He is a young man of Indian descent, Levi guesses from his hair and skin tone, but has unusually light eyes and a button nose. Although he appears nervous at first, Levi assures him he’s punctual and wants the credits just as much as he does. After that, they work quite well together, not always in sync, but willing to compromise.

Since neither of them minds some background noise, they usually meet in a café just off campus to speak about the topic in person. After a particularly productive session, they part ways just outside the door with a promise to meet again in a few days. Since the weather isn’t terrible, Levi had opted to just walk to the café and back. He quickly checks his phone for any messages, pocketing it once he’s replied to one from his mother.

Glancing down the street before he starts crossing, he pauses with one foot on the curb, watching his project partner get into a little black car a few metres away. There’s a guy behind the wheel who makes Levi do a double-take. From Levi's perspective, he can only see his profile and messy hair, but when Levi waits a few seconds and sees him turn his head, his knees almost buckle.

It’s Eren. It has to be. Levi has dreamed of his face for so long, and no one has ever looked anything similar until now. He doesn’t care that he’s staring, or that his project partner in the passenger seat is hesitantly waving at him as the car drives past, because finally he has a chance.

The next three days are torture. Erwin can’t calm him down over video chat, and Mike keeps texting him for updates that don’t come. He misses a couple of calls from his mother and has to tell a white lie to reassure her it’s just from overworking. Tomorrow is the day he has another meeting with his project partner – Armin, Eren's friend with childishly round features, it must be Armin, how could he forget – and he can’t concentrate for long enough to make a plan.

He arrives at the café half an hour early, running on only three hours of sleep but looking mostly presentable. In the months of being in the same class as Armin twice a week, he never got any indication that the boy recognised him, and if he doesn’t remember or if Levi is wrong about this whole thing then he’s going to seem crazy for asking anything. But Levi has nothing to lose. Ruining one person’s opinion of him won’t matter. He only needed answers.

Just like he had been hoping for, Armin arrives in the same car, with the same driver. Levi is walking over to their parking space before he can stop himself, surprising Armin as he shuts the passenger-side door.

“Oh, hi. Have you been waiting lo—?”

“Armin.” Levi interrupts him, expression serious. He barely blinks, looking carefully for the flash of remembrance in Armin's eyes.

He can’t breathe when he sees those eyes light up. Armin is speechless, his earlier confusion completely gone. Shaking his head, seemingly without realising he’s doing it, he waves his hands in the direction of the car, then turns and starts gesturing at...

Eren steps out of the car. For Levi, it’s like he’s watching it in slow motion, or from underwater since everything is slow and his lungs still aren’t working. Armin is saying something, perhaps, but Levi can only hear his heartbeat in his ears.

Having never fainted before, Levi can’t tell how close he really is to passing out. It’s only the shaking touch of Eren's fingertips on his cheek that give him something tangible to focus on, grounding him with that gentle sensation.

“Levi,” Eren breathes, voice full of so much emotion in that one word. “You’re really here. You’re… you’re real.” The sound of Eren's voice cracking midsentence brings tears to Levi's eyes. Eren is already crying, those eternally vibrant green eyes watery but refusing to look away.

“Yes, I’m here.” Levi raises a hand to cover and cling to Eren's, which is caressing the side of his face. All at once, he feels so young and so old, happy and sad and foolish. “I’m so glad I finally found you.”

Eren steps forward and flings his arms around Levi's neck, hugging him tightly. 

“Thank you. Thank you for waiting for me to come back to you.” Levi takes a deep breath, pressing himself flush to Eren's chest. For the first time in too many lifetimes, Levi fully relaxes. To the side, Armin wipes a tear, overjoyed at the reunion.

“It won’t have to happen again. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you,” Eren whispers, hiccupping through a laugh.

“It, uh…” Eren shifts his weight beside him, attempting to rub some warmth into his arms even with the various luggage draped over his body. “It just needs some lights, and a fire, that’s all.” His voice is bright and optimistic, but even he seems to be rethinking this whole cabin-in-the-woods thing.

It had been his idea, like most things. Levi rarely has ideas, and when he does, it’s for going to a certain restaurant for dinner or making plans with friends they haven’t seen in awhile. Eren’s ideas tend to be a little more… Elaborate. A hot air balloon date for their anniversary, or an impromptu eight hour road trip to visit Armin up at Stanford.

So when he’d proposed spending Christmas, and therefore Levi’s birthday, in a cabin away from everyone and everything, Levi had been hesitant to give the go-ahead.

After all, the air balloon thing had never panned out due to rain and Eren’s car had broken down somewhere around Fresno and they’d been stranded there for hours.

But the gift of spending his birthday, and the holidays, with no one but Eren was a little hard to pass up. Especially because it’s so fucking hard to say no to Eren most of the time. Besides, someone has to be there when everything goes wrong. It might as well be Levi.

“There!” Eren grins as he finds a light switch, which just might make the cabin look more welcoming, after all. It looks exactly the way a cabin in the middle of a snowy forest would look, and Levi weaves casually around the furniture, looking above and below for signs of anything out of place—a cobweb, the shimmer of dust in the air.

“I’m a little bummed there isn’t a tree,” Eren prattles, filling the silence with his heavy footsteps and chatter as he deposits the bags onto the couch. “I didn’t even think to ask about it… Hey, do you think they’d just let us chop down a tree and bring it in here?”

Levi’s skin crawls at the thought. It took dozens of conversations for Eren to convince Levi to let them have a real tree in their apartment, and he still considers throwing it out at least twice a day.

“No,” Levi responds flatly, making his way to the large stone hearth to inspect it. That is until his foot collides with what appears to be a giant mass of fur and he lets out a hiss as he rocks back a step. “What the fuck is that?”

“What’s what?” Eren asks, hopping over as the excitement of his initial plan rekindles inside him. “The fireplace? Does it burn wood?” His voice escalates, and he’s already peering inside the hearth happily when he notices that Levi isn’t even near it. “Levi—oh.” Eren looks down. “No fucking way, a bear skin rug!” Eren crows, reaching down to pet at it, and just watching Eren touch it makes Levi’s skin crawl.

“Eren.” Levi doesn’t even know why he’s saying his name, only that it comes out partially strained and scolding while also a little bit desperate. Fuck, he needs to get a hold of himself. Even if Eren is running his hand over the dead pelt of a fucking animal and looks about five seconds from rubbing his entire body all over it with the careless ease that Eren approaches most matters in life. Levi reaches forward and grasps him by the shoulder before he can do just that.

Eren turns wide, curious eyes up at him, and tips his head to the side curiously so that the warm skin of his cheek presses into Levi’s winter-chilled fingers.

“It’s not real,” Eren tells him, and Levi grits his teeth and looks away. Even if he should expect it now, after two years of dating and numerous years of friendship before that. The way Eren can read him—or, to be more accurate, leaves Levi vulnerable enough to show what he’s feeling rather than mask it.

“We should get a fire going,” Levi diverts, and he watches Eren close his eyes, nuzzle Levi’s fingers one more time, before nodding and shuffling towards the fire. Levi’s hand stays extended in the air for just a moment as he flexes his fingers at the sudden loss of Eren before he lets it drop back to his side before Eren can see what he’s doing. “Are we—” Levi swallows and clears his throat. “Do we need fire wood?”

He doesn’t remember seeing any stacked near the cabin, and hopes the resort property that put these cabins together had the common sense to include central heating despite its misplacement in the rustic setting. They can’t honestly expect everyday tourists to know how to put together a fucking fire.

“Nah.” Eren sits back on his heels and frowns. “It’s fake.” He sounds so disappointed that Levi almost throws reason out the window and goes to chop some firewood. “It looks gas, at least.” And just like that, Eren is popping back to life (and his feet) before Levi can do anything rash. “There’s probably matches and a key somewhere around here…” He starts to rummage around on the mantle, and Levi stands there, gripping his own elbows and watching him. There is a very sudden squeeze on his heart, and the urge to go to Eren, to wrap him up in his arms, is immediate and compulsory—as it normally as, when it happens, but even in the seclusion they are in, Levi doesn’t give in to it.

He stands back, and watches Eren’s furrowed eyebrows and declaration of happiness when he finds what looks like the metal backing to a wind-up toy, and let’s himself smile warmly at the picture before him.

When he turns back to Levi, brandished a box of matches with a triumphant grin on his face, he stops, the look fading into something no less happy but much more curious.

“What?” He asks, unable to stop smiling around the word, and Levi just shakes his head, reaching out his hand across the distance between them.

“Nothing,” he responds simply, and Eren blinks at him but takes Levi’s offered hand without question, the warmth of his fingers enveloping.

“Shit, you’re freezing,” Eren hisses, squeezing Levi’s hand several times before relinquishing it. “I really need to get this fire going.” Once more, his face is pinched in concentration as he takes out a match.

“I think—dammit,” he curses as he fails to light the match. “I think there’s also a fireplace in the—mother fucker.” He snaps the first match in half and takes out a new one.

“There’s a fireplace in the mother fucker?” Levi teases, and Eren shoots him a look.

“No. There’s a fireplace in the bedroom, but we probably shouldn’t—are you fucking kidding me?” Eren nearly hurls the entire box of matches onto the ground, but wilts before he can complete the motion, and instead holds it out to Levi. “Levi,” he whines, and Levi rolls his eyes but takes the box.

“The fact that you can’t light a match makes me feel incredibly old,” Levi drawls, as if he’s been alive longer than the fucking lighter.

“It’s the 21st century, all right? They should have fucking lighters,” Eren growls in response, and Levi rubs his back as Eren kneels down to turn the gas on. He doesn’t point out that Eren should have done that before attempting to light a match, but doesn’t say as much. Just strikes the match and tosses it in the hearth, and they both watch the flames burst into life and wash warmth over them just as quickly.

“So lights, a fire…” Levi ticks off, looking around. It does make the cabin seem a lot better. Much more the cozy getaway that Eren had initially spoke of, not that cozy is a term Levi can apply to most of the spaces in his life. Cozy implies clutter, and mismatch, and the apparently charming application of age and dust to things like furniture and infrastructure that people find appealing for some reason.

Then again, standing amidst it and ignoring the realities, Levi can understand why.

“We really are just missing a Christmas tree,” Eren murmurs, sidling up to Levi’s side and settling a hand on the jut of Levi’s hip. Levi huffs at him, lifting his arm with put-upon reluctance so that Eren can press closer to his side. Eren is really too tall for this, but he insists on doing it, anyway, and he rarely makes a comment about how Levi is holding onto Eren’s shoulder more than his arm is draped across them.

Unless he’s in a particularly snarky mood, that is.

“If you are longing for the smell of pine, stick your head outside.” They are surrounded by trees. Levi is sure some of them are probably pine.

“Not really—I mean I like it,” he’s quick to correct, because one of his key arguments for them getting a real tree in their apartment back home had been how much he loves the smell of pine, “don’t get me wrong. It’s great. But I just love the way a Christmas tree makes me feel, you know?”

No, Levi doesn’t know. He doesn’t have the same fond, childhood memories that Eren does. The sight of a Christmas tree doesn’t bring to mind the images of crackling fires and hot chocolates and piles of brightly wrapped gifts. Levi’s Christmases had never looked like that.

Well, until recently, that is. Since he and Eren have become friends, and, more-so, when they started dating. It’s not enough to entirely replace the cold, empty memories of Christmas—of his birthday—from when he was young, but he thinks, after enough years, it just might be.

Levi makes a noise in the back of his throat, happy that Eren can’t see his face on the chance that thoughts are displayed there the way they always seem to be in Eren’s presence.

“Go put on that god awful Christmas sweater you insisted on bringing with you, then,” he suggests instead. An idea tickles at the back of his mind, and he spits it out before he can spend too long dwelling on it. “And… Maybe we can go into town in the morning and get a tree.” If the feel of Eren’s body beside his wasn’t something he loved, he’d wish he wasn’t quite so close to him right in that moment. That he could put some physical distance between himself and how much he fucking loves this idiot.

(And how much he would fucking do for him, too. Sometimes it’s that facet that terrifies Levi the most.)

“Wait, really?” Eren’s hand slips from Levi’s hip, and then he’s gone—not long enough for Levi’s arm to fall completely back to its resting place, but just long enough to twist Levi around and look him in the eye, to pull their bodies flush again.

The grin on Eren’s face is wide and bright as a child’s, and Levi wants to press closer and bask in the joy of it.

“Well as one shit head told me recently, you can’t have Christmas without a Christmas tree.”

“He sounds wonderfully clever. And smart. And sexy as hell.” Eren presses their forehead again, his smile softening into one that Levi loves just as much.

“He wishes,” Levi teases back, voice nearly as dead flat as it usually is when he’s taking the shit out of Eren, but the warmth of the fire and Eren’s body so close to his makes it hard to keep it out of his voice.

“Shut up,” Eren bites back, and, instead of giving Levi the option to do so himself, makes sure of it by kissing him immediately afterwards. Kissing Eren, Levi has long since discovered, is like swimming in the ocean. It’s being caught up in currents that can’t be controlled, or washed over by waves again and again. And while Levi is very much an active participant, a lot of it is letting nature take its course and being overwhelmed by it all.

It doesn’t stop Levi from welcoming the feeling every time, of getting lost in it completely. In fact, he’s grown very used to being overwhelmed. It’s practically his normal state of being these days.

“You know,” Eren starts when they break apart and Levi comes back to himself, mind snapping back into sharpness like a rubber band. He’s gripping Eren’s upper arms and leaning his weight against his torso—he doesn’t remember doing either thing. “Bear skin rugs are supposed to be really comfortable.”

Levi rocks back on his heels, pulled out of the depth of Eren and no longer drowning, and fixes his boyfriend with a firm stare.

“No,” he replies sternly, eyes sharp, before Eren even has the chance to articulate his plan in full.

“But—”

“Eren, the second any of my bare skin touches that thing is the second I dose myself in an hour long shower. No.”

“…that doesn’t sound like a bad thing.”

“For fuck’s sake—NO.”