#placemarker

today just ended in exhaustion 

i wish i knew more people here but the only way to do that is to get a waged job and hahahaha

i had been planning on joining the rec league volleyball team, partly to see if i could find employment by meeting folks there, but

i went by the place last week and it just struck me as this fucking, compound..one with a magnificent view of the pacific but still. the people milling around seemed too country club wearing-the-right-shoes-with-the-right-pants and fucking sunvisors good god

and it would take more clothes and different shoes and stuff for their gym

even the beach volleyball here isn't a loose knit thing, you have to sign up for some damn camp before getting on in more organized teams. fucking stupid. 

i find this all very fascist. even just the pretense of buying essentially what are uniforms to perform correctly in whatever cordoned off, assigned area of the community for its respective activity.

in rejecting so much of what i view as assimilation in full i find myself missing so much of the community and network i had in the "old country", as flawed as it was, struggling there instead of feeling stifled by ten extra layers of bureaucracy here

and social networking is definitely a drag. i feel this is what unemployment forces on specific portions of the population -- free labor that boosts the ghosts of all the accounts facebook, twitter, and others claim for market share

i don't pay as much attention to tumblr, but twitter is definitely causing me more claustrophobia lately than the communication it's supposed to engender (i guess). the hamster wheel becomes oh so noticeable and enraging at times, and facebook makes me ill for this reason

you don't have to go far anywhere to find a prison, to be backed up against a wall, cornered. most days i can do really well to confront all this and continue my studies and research, then others like today i just wonder why i care about the piano barely hanging by the rope threads about to crush us all.