#pirate redd

It's a pirate's life for me!

Had the privilege of attending Mickey's Not-So Scary Halloween Party a few weeks ago with one of my best friends & this was the only character meet & greet we did

Bonus! Hector Barbossa staring me down during the parade!

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number one on the “inconsequential things sure to...

I am torn between finding out what’s going on and knowing that the answer will further erode my faith in humanity

lol 

so the classic Pirates of the Caribbean ride features a scene in the town where there are ladies being auctioned off in an attempt to keep the pirates from plundering the whole town. (I don’t remember right now if it’s framed as the kind of “buy a lady’s picnic basket and win a date with her” thing or not, but my memory says not, because I remember it being played as kind of raunchy.) Anyway, the lady currently being auctioned in the scene is this chubby, matronly type, but further down in line is a buxom redheaded lady showing a lot of cleavage. The auctioneer is gently encouraging the matronly lady to try to look more seductive ( “Strike your feathers, dearie, show ‘em your fluff,” like, show off your petticoats, etc.) and one of the pirates yells, “We wants the redhead!”

Well, a couple of years ago, Disney wisely decided that this wasn’t exactly a family-friendly experience. (You’ll notice that there’s a rope tied around the redhead’s waist that a pirate behind her is holding, thus reinforcing my memory that this wasn’t a cutesy kind of thing.) So they decided to revamp the scene.

Now, instead of ladies being auctioned, the townspeople are auctioning off their belongings to try to pay off the pirates. People are lined up holding heirlooms, pieces of artwork, etc. The matronly lady is now holding some chickens and a basket of eggs. (Thus making the “strike your feathers, dearie, show ‘em your fluff” line WAAAAAY less creepy.)

And what happened to the redhead?

Well. My baby, my precious darling Redd, JOINED THE DAMN PIRATES. (Presumably to get revenge on the townspeople for trying to sell her into human trafficking.)

She got some new clothes (although she’s still wearing her pink dress), some new jewelry, some new guns, a bottle of rum, and a new animatronic with more articulation, A NAME, and -- importantly -- actual spoken lines. Instead of being a passive seductive lady awaiting her fate, she’s a pirate, and she talks. “Send those hens to Davy Jones! It’s the rum they want!” is the one she’s speaking here as she gestures with her bottle of rum with a goddamn shotgun resting on her hip.

Now, it’s worth noting that a) she’s still beautiful and sexy, b) she’s still showing cleavage, and c), she’s actually still showing some leg. Here’s a fuller picture of the auction scene.

(LOOK AT THOSE BOOTS!!! Style icon!!!)

And yet, invariably, whenever Disney social media (or any social media) posts pictures of either the old redhead or the new Pirate Redd (who currently has a wanted poster, a T-shirt, a Funko Pop figure, and a Christmas ornament, all of which I bought the second they were released), the comments are full of people complaining about Disney being “too PC” or “giving into SJWs” or bemoaning the change to a beloved ride (hint: it’s not the first time Pirates has been updated to be more family friendly! The original ride included a scene where the pirates were chasing women through the town, and they decided that was maybe too rapey, so they changed it to amorous women trying to chase down sexy pirates with both of them giggling flirtatiously), or saying something stupid like “So much for historical accuracy!” (hint #2: Pirates of the Caribbean has never been concerned with historical accuracy, and also, Mary Read and Anne Bonny would like to have some very protracted words with you at the end of their pistols.)

But whatever. Pirate Redd has merch, a walkaround character in Disneyland (BRING HER TO FLORIDA!!!!!), and my heart.