#piploy

Before I begin talking about Pan, who was also crying buckets after EP. 11 aired?? SERIOUSLY, the actors in this show are ALL phenomenal. Every single character that cried this episode, made me want to fcking CRY A RIVER. 

After watching this episode, I honestly loved how well thought-out every single character was written, including Pan. However, when I was scrolling through the comments I was actually quite surprised that there were a handful of people who actually disliked Pan. I think everyone is pretty much entitled to their opinion, but I would like to take a closer look at who Pan is and why she does the thing she does. 

To start, let’s focus on Pan’s insecurities.

Pan is someone who feels like she is undeserving of love. Someone who feels like she’s not enough. I think at one point in our lives, we all felt this way. The feeling of never being enough to anyone, lacking the courage to do what we really want to do because we feel as though we are inadequate.

It’s also the key reason why I think Pan escapes to the fantasy world. A world where she can freely ship the person she likes with anyone she wants - her small happy space. The crazy fanfics, the over the top shipping, isn’t it to distract herself from her own pain?  When you break it down, isn’t that like most of us? Watching movies, reading fanfics, reading books, it’s like a break from our own mind and immersing ourselves into something else. Yes she’s a crazy fangirl, but she’s, as cliche as it sounds, very human. 

It’s also why I love Pan (and in extension Soda). Fangirls in films (AND IN REAL LIFE) are always displayed as crazy lunatics with absolutely no brain cells, and yes, there are people that are extremely intense, however that’s NOT the majority. Yes, Pan and Soda can be over the top with their imagination, but their intentions were never to hurt anybody. So, the moment their fanfic caused a problem, Pan apologized to whom it directly hurt. 

I think this scene in particular showcases one of Pan’s strong points but also one of her weak points. She is someone who wants to do the right thing (note on the word: want). However, what she thinks is the right thing to do can very much backfire on her. 

This leads to one of the main reason, I think, people don’t like Pan. The way she makes decisions in Kim’s body without his consent. 

This is where people’s opinions diverge, while you can state that Pan is a selfish character for doing whatever hell she wants in his body, I would argue otherwise. 

Let’s be clear: Pan never asked to be put into Kim’s body. 

From the start, she didn’t want it. She actively protested against it and continually said it throughout the series. 

You could argue that just because she never asked for it, doesn’t mean she should do the things that could hurt others. 

And, I would say you’re right.

In EP. 10, Pan decides to reject Way’s confession as Kim. In retrospect, she shouldn’t do that because the person Way confessed to was Kim, not Pan. 

However, Pan thinks this is right way to handle this affair. Dating a guy that dates his teacher while also cheating on various exams, isn’t exactly someone she pictured her crush, Way, to be with. 

In all honestly, she’s doing this because the good guy she believed Kim to be, wasn’t all that squeaky clean. From the very start, Pan has stated she wanted Way to be with someone good.  

After she finds out Kim isn’t exactly a good guy. She becomes persistent in rejecting him.

until...she’s proven wrong.

This is one of Pan’s greatest trait. The ability to reflect on her mistakes and making attempts to make amends. 

The moment she realized that her perception of Kim was wrong, that she doesn’t have the whole picture, is when she corrects herself. 

She does what she thinks is right. She gets it wrong. She works to make it right again. 

I admire this about Pan. 

When I was a teenager, the amount of things that I got wrong, the things I didn’t correct, but should’ve still linger on my mind. If you’re still a teen and think that you haven’t made mistakes or that the morals you hold now will forever be the same, I would say - wait. The more your world broadens, the more you realize that you were being quite small-minded. When I think about my past, I think there were people I should’ve apologized to properly, people I should’ve treasured more dearly and people I should’ve tried to understand better. 

And Pan, a teenage girl manages to do just that. 

Pan is not a flawless character by any means, but to call her a character that is selfish and stupid undermines her strengths. If she was truly a selfish character, she would’ve rejected Way even when she found Kim wasn’t as bad as she thought he was. 

Pan is someone who cares, she cares a whole lot. 

EP. 11 hits on this point even further. 

Khet, our resident observer, says this about Pan. 

“You should stop thinking about other people.” THIS. 

If you don’t believe Pan is actually someone who is selfless from ME, at least believe it from our resident softboi-goodboi-deserves a happy end boi, KHET. 

When we get to the climax of the story, Pan has to choose whether to be in her own body or pretend to be Kim for the rest of her life. 

And she is conflicted, extremely conflicted. 

Sure, it’s easy to say, “she should just go back to her own body”...but the reason she decides against it is all the more heartbreaking. 

The first reason being Kim’s family. 

Kim has a family that needs and loves him. Something Pan notices firsthand. She watches Khet suffer, believing fully that his brother is gone and that he can no longer rectify the relationship he has with his brother. 

Pan has stated prior that Khet was always someone that was by her side when she was troubled. 

Even in this particular episodes, he tries to hold a calm front in front of her, only to bawl when she’s not looking.

Pan recognizes this and seeing the person who’s been comforting her this entire time is something she doesn’t think light of. 

The second reason...is her own family. 

This part had me on the verge of tears. 

Pan’s only family, is someone that’s not even blood related to her. Her mom and dad aren’t around anymore and the only person she can call family is her step-dad. 

However, she never fully acknowledges him as her dad...because of her guilt. The guilt that she’s a burden and someone who shouldn’t exist. Knowing that her existence is causing everyone to suffer, isn’t an easy pill to swallow. 

The moment Pan realizes that her step-dad is suffering and that he’s in debt because of her medical fees, the guilt only gets worst. 

The only person she can call family, is the person she’s hurting the most. The feeling that if you didn’t exist would make things better for the people you love is one of the most painful realizations. 

Even if you know that they care, even if you know they’d want you alive. That doubt, even that 10% chance that they’ll live an easier life if you weren’t around, will always be in the back of your mind. 

And that’s exactly what Pan thinks. 

She can’t help but think that if there’s a chance she could stop being his burden, maybe he’ll get a second chance a life.

A life where he doesn’t have to hold back for her. 

This leads to her conclusion: 

She sees that Kim has a reason to be alive. 

He has a family to take care of. 

He has a brother to make amends with. 

He has someone who is waiting for him. 

And Pan? 

If she returns in her body, the only thing she’ll be is a burden to the one person she calls family. 

Through her confliction and confusion, Pan has determined that Kim has more reasons to live than her. 

Fortunately, there is one person in her life that argues otherwise. 

Khet (I love him so much and whoever doesn’t like him, I don’t get you on a personal level. I can make another post abt him too), calls Pan out on her insecurities. 

He asks her if she thinks she’s not important. 

This topic has been touched upon throughout the series. Pan’s lack of self-confidence and believing that she isn’t good enough. 

Haven’t most of us been there? Feeling insignificant, feeling pathetic and just...plain ol’ useless. 

Again, Khet reiterates this...

Pan...is thinking about what’s right for everyone. 

She really is.

A selfish act is something you do for yourself, but is giving up on her body to be Kim something a selfish person does? 

Khet instantly recognizes this and calls her out on it. 

But that’s not what gets Pan to do anything. It’s when he says this: 

It’s when he says this, that she thinks about what she should do for Kim. 

Her next action was to rectify the situation between Kim, Way and her. To make sure Way understands what is happening (and boy is this boy clueless LOLL). 

Let me clearly point out that her next point of action was not for herself, but to figure out what is the right thing to do for Kim. 

Again, solidifying her selfless nature. 

I would even go as far to say that the two selfless characters in the show are actually Pan and Khet. The way those two try to look out for one another is quite sweet. 

To end this rather long character analysis (i swear i was going to make it short LMAO), Pan is a well-written character. 

From her wild antics to her insecurities, the writers clearly depicted a life of a fangirl. 

A little intense, but sweet nevertheless. 

Pan, I believe is a self-less character, doesn’t know her strengths or self-worth but always tries to do what she thinks is right. It’ll go wrong, she’ll fuck up, but her heart is always at the right place. 

I love her a lot and I hope more people appreciate the character that is Pan!