#pie-chart

Seems a lot of being bi is about busting myths – or rather, taking down negative stereotypes – and here’s one that’s always niggled me: that bisexual people find it easy to get dates. This is typified by the Woody Allen Quote:

‘Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night’

There is a second quote, found on AllTheTropes.com, attributed to Ellen Hayes (though I can’t find its origin) which counters this…

‘Being bisexual gives you two chances to get told ‘No way in Hell!’ on a Saturday night.’

Now, neither of these are completely true, both of both of them, the second is definitely closer the mark.

Welcome To The Microcosm Club

So, say we have a club, on a Saturday night. Drink is flowing, people are dancing, there is every chance of sexy times. And in this room are 100 people, including you, representing a microcosm of society. So of the remaining 99 people, 50 are of one sex and 49 of the other.

NB: Being non-binary myself, I was tempted to include all the awesome folks who don’t fit into either camp – unfortunately the maths just gets too complex for me – and for a short blog! Also, from the cursory research I did it seems that the percentage of people who identify outside the gender binary is currently less than 0.5%, and so it gets automatically rounded out… I realise that this also supports the myth that bisexuality is trans-exclusionary and I promise I will do more on this topic in future – for now I’m keeping it simple and boring.

Now, say you have it all – you’re gorgeous, super charismatic, rich, well dressed and intelligent. You have the best possible chances for finding a mate. If you are heterosexual, you have 49 potential partners – so a 50% chance – of scoring. But do you? Actually, if this is a microcosm of society, a percentage of those people will be gay.

Why they are here in this club rather than in the other one down the road where everyone is gay and they give away free condoms and dental dams rather than having to pay for them in the toilet, I don’t know, but lets say they are.

That percentage varies wildly in various studies, but we can be generous and go back to the old Kinsey report guestimate that roughly 10% of the population are ‘Kinsey 6’, exclusively homosexual. 10 people, and (with all being equal), 5 men and 5 women.

So take away 5% – those who aren’t attracted to you – and you have a 45% chance of scoring with a member of the other sex. That means if you are homosexual, your chances are reduced to only 5% – only 5 of the people will be potentially attracted to you and you attracted to them. Actually, only 4%, since you represent one of the 10 people in the room who are gay.

So, how does it work for bisexuals? Take that 45% of potential other sex partners and the 5% of potential same sex partners (now that you are no longer in that dating pool) and add them together it seems like bisexual people have a near 50% chance of getting laid. Right? Would that it were so simple.

No Chance In Hell

As it happens, both heterosexual and homosexual people have expressed that they aren’t too keen on date bisexuals.

A study from 2016 from sexy sex website Adam and Eve came up with the unpleasant statistic that 41% of men and 49% of women would not be happy to date a bisexual person, with 15% of men and 23% of women unsure. For whatever reason that is – and there might be many – if you’re trying to get laid as a bisexual, that will skew things a bit.

NB: These stats do not cite sexual orientation – if you know of any studies which do, please do forward them to me

So, if you are female – looking for heterosexual men and homosexual women – then 41% of that 45% (actually now 44.5% because you are now counted among as a lone bisexual rather than as the 10% of homosexual people which skews the total but the difference is so negligable we’ll just stick with 45%) and 49% of that 5% won’t want to date you, no matter how sexy and smart you are

Leaving out the ‘unsures’ as well, that leaves 44% of 45% (20% approx.) and 28% of 5% (1% approx.) left. So we add those together and get…

Total: 21%

If you’re male – looking for heterosexual women and homosexual men – then 72% of the 45% and 56% of the 5% either won’t date you or are unsure…

45 * 0.28 = 13% 5 * 0.44 =  2% (approx.)

Total: 15%

Halving Your Chances

That’s right, kids – far from doubling chances, being a bisexual person actually reduces your chances of getting a date.

If you’re a bisexual women it’s less than half a heterosexual person – a bisexual man, it’s just a third. You’ll get more chance than a homosexual person, but are still massively more likely – just on a statistical basis – to end up with a member of the other sex, rather than the one gay person in the club who is cool with dating a bisexual.

NB: This also helps, I hope, to explain the whole ‘Why do Bi people only seem to date members of the opposite sex?’ question that crops up all the time

But wait, Spekti, I hear you say (because I can in fact hear your thoughts) – what about other the bisexuals? If we use the Kinsey report again, there are around 11 ‘Kinsey 3’ men in the room and 7 ‘Kinsey 3’ women – 18%. That means an additional 17 people (you are one of the bis, remember) might chose you as their Saturday night date – which reduces the number of potential heterosexual partners to 36 (36+36+5+5+11+7=100)

So the totals are now…

Bi Women – 17% + (5%*0.28) + (36%*0.44) = 17%+1%+16%= 34%

Bi Men – 17% + (5%*0.44)+(36%*0.28) = 17% + 2% + 10% = 28%

Still a good way behind those heteroes. Also, if we use a different measure from the office of National Statistics in the UK, from a survey in 2015, only 0.6% of the UK population identify as Bi. That means that, if we are being generous and rounding up, there will be one bisexual person in the room. And in this example, that’s YOU. Tough luck, kiddo.

Why I Don’t Like It

So, apart from being mathematically incorrect, why don’t I like the myth around the original quote? It seems to be that there are several poisonous things about it.

Firstly, the idea that bisexuality is about volume – it’s about the AMOUNT of people who you sleep with and want to sleep with. Even polyamorous pansexual people (or PPPs, as no one has ever referred to them before and never will again) aren’t in it for the notches in the bedpost. This is still about individuals, and the deeply intimate connections one can form with them.

Secondly, it seems to promote the idea of bisexuality as kind of Sexual Pascal’s Wager – people will go with it as a label because it helps them get laid. I mean, what have you got to lose by being bi? It can only help your chances, right? Well, as we’ve seen, wrong.

But I think what worries me most is that it portrays being being all happy fun times – it must be great to be bi! Think how sexy it must be! And sometimes it is. Particularly if you go to an event like BiCon, like I did for the first time this year.

But mostly it isn’t great.

In this example, we had one person (you, remember) being ‘the bi at the club’. This is lonely enough as it is, but in reality this bi might not make it to the club. Or out of the house at all. According to various studies (links below) Bisexual people are far more likely to suffer from mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. They are also far more likely to contemplate suicide. This is borne from having one’s identity invalidated, over and over again, by those close to you, by strangers, by the media and politicians. We’re getting better, but we still have a way to go.

In Conclusion

Bisexuality doesn’t double your chances on a Saturday Night – it’s not about ‘doubling your chances’. It’s about finding individual people attractive – sexuality, romantically, socially – without gender being a barrier.

Love, Spekti

Studies on Bisexuality and Mental Health…

San Francisco Human Rights Commission – Bi Invisibility

http://sf-hrc.org//sites/default/files/Documents/HRC_Publications/Articles/Bisexual_Invisiblity_Impacts_and_Recommendations_March_2011.pdf

Perceived Determinants of Mental Health for Bisexual People: A Qualitative Examination

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2820049/

The Bisexuality Report: Bisexual Inclusion in LGBT equality and diversity

https://www3.open.ac.uk/media/fullstory.aspx?id=22987

(NB: Link to the actual report is broken on this page but the summary is here)

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