starting to suspect that masking my did is contributing to my autistic burnout, and by starting to suspect i mean that is absolutely a part of things
but the thought of not is uncomfortable. like i just. uuuu. the 'beer fear' feeling I have when I come across things i do noooot remember but that i was physically in attendance for is so horribly vulnerable. and like, switching is a disorienting and scary experience for me right now and i just don't want anybody to see that.
writing this in the genuinely hilarious wake of receiving a HUGE ikea delivery today that I was 0% expecting. like imagine. you just wake up. go about your day. 9:30 am. 3 rugs, 5 diff pieces of furniture. so many knick knacks. all 3.14159 of me just there like hokay thenx
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
โ Live Streamingโ Interactive Chatโ Private Showsโ HD Qualityโ Free Actions
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
deep in writing sadness this morning. hate it hate myself hate everything i've ever written why bother why try i'll never finish anything etc etc etc etc
i don't even bother fighting the writing sadness atp bc it will always have a bigger meaner nastier 'truer-feeling' comeback to anything i could possibly say or hear
gonna take my perfectionism and my childhood emotional neglect on a little walk. and then i'm going to do my vocal training and then i'm going to โจwrite anywayโจ before those feelings congeal
thing i did not take into account when i planned my new years resolutions was excruciating hand pain and how difficult it is to do things with these finger braces on so
if in pain, i'm banned from writing and drawing for that day. and I shall read instead, on top of my allotted reading time.
reminder to self: goals exist to work for you, not the other way round. if they aren't manageable, if they are unrealistic, then they cease being goals and start becoming avenues for blame and shame.
i'm being a little more intentional with remembering that
Documenting my burnout recovery journey๐ฅbecause Iโm back, baby๐ฅ(this is all gonna be hyper-specific to me. itโs not educational or general advice)
So the move (and everything that preceded it) has kinda shoved me from the tippy top of the autistic burnout canyon right back to the very bottom.
Which makes complete sense. I was very stressed out for a very long time and it hampered my ability to engage with things I find meaningful/rejuvenating/important for autism reasons. Also, hubris got me, and i slowly stopped doing helpful stuff.
I kind of find myself wanting to be annoyed with myself for being back here, but I think itโs just easier for me at this point to accept where I am, grieve a little, and get on with things as they are.
Now, for the positives: Iโm wiser than I was when I first found myself this deep in burnout.
So! Iโll be starting off strong byโฆnot starting anything at all. Moving house has already inundated my change-hating self with so much change. Even positive, wanted change would add instability to my routine at this point. Iโm gonna give myself some time to get enough of my footing back to justify trying to change things around.
Iโll be taking a little more time to replay the game and Iโll be writing and art-ing with a lot more intent. While exhaustion is a feature of how I experience burnout, burnout =/= exhaustion. Rest is vital but it is not the solution. Whatโs worked before is slowly recalibrating my life to be more sustainable stress, disability, neurodivergence-wise over time. And of course, throwing myself at my special interests.
i lost tiiiime but that's ok, i have a vague idea of what I've been up to and catching up has been only delightful!! quickly getting up to speed and replying to things before i do some writing and start the search for a new apartment; it's lovely and cold outside, and I think I might just buy a cake and some whipped cream and have that kind of a day
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
โ Live Streamingโ Interactive Chatโ Private Showsโ HD Qualityโ Free Actions
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
my plan to be off here until Friday is scuppered because the next door neighbours are setting off fireworks and i'm having a tough time w ptsd. it's not a crisis i'm at a 4/10 but the norm is a 0/10 so
woke up with very little recollection of the past 2 weeks soooo...amnesia related depression and horrendous beer fear it is! I can't find my notes, so I'll be meandering around trying to get on top of things and figuring out what i was doing/reading.
