#philswrites

[ SMS ; Nina ] Okay, we’re not gonna be slutty, queirda. We’re just gonna have some good, wild, fun.[ SMS ; Nina ] Unless you wanna go for that label, of course. In which case, vámonos![ SMS ; Nina ] I’ll tell you what. You get on the train and I’ll come pick you up from the station. We’ll get dressed up and hit that club just a few blocks from my place. It’s the shit.[ SMS ; Nina ] I got a dress for you to wear. You’ll kill it.[ SMS ; Nina ] And then we grab some pizza on the way back and trash talk the hell out of him for the rest of the night.[ SMS ; Nina ] Sounds good?

[ SMS ; Usnavi ] I’m not sure that ‘desperate’ is the word to describe Yolanda. [ SMS ; Usnavi ] Or you, for that matter. [ SMS ; Usnavi ] But I guess maybe I don’t have all the information on a lot of thing.[ SMS ; Usnavi ] Y’know. Like that when you go out with someone, you don’t wave them off to dance with some random dude they’ve already said no to and then run after the first short skirt you see.( a pause )[ SMS ; Usnavi ] I’m sorry you didn’t have a fun night. Hope you made it home okay.[ SMS ; Usnavi ] I’ll catch you sometime before you leave.

Vanessa’s hands rub together slowly, shoes scuffing across the floor as she slowly makes her way over to Usnavi. It’s dark out. Electricity is still not back but at least they have the moon and the stars out here. In new York, you never seem to be able to see them so while it sucks that she can’t even listen to the damn radio or charge her phone without tracking down the nearest Starbucks, it’s also kind of romantic. If she was into that sort of stuff, anyway.

She stops when she stands in front of Usnavi who’s sitting on the steps in front of his door. The air between them seems thick, something hanging above both of their head that neither of them manages to actually address. And now, it’s too late. So Vanessa doesn’t say anything either, just quietly sits down on the step next to Usnavi and wedges her hands between her knees.

“You’re not,” she says after a long moment, looking down at her lap. Usnavi’s just doing what anybody in his position would do: aim higher, further. Sure, Sonny is mad and Vanessa has had better days as well but they’ll all understand. it might take a while but deep down, Vanessa knows none of them will be able to actually blame him for taking his shot when it’s offered to him. Lifting her head, she stares over at the bodega. Dark and empty it looks like any other storefront. Just another abandoned place whose owner moved on to something more lucrative. Nothing about it screams of sweet coffee and soda pops and candy bars anymore. These times are over.

The silence between them stretches and Vanessa sighs, chances a sideways glance at Usnavi. He’s staring at the store too, lips pressed tightly together. As much as this hurts Vanessa, she knows it hurts him more. The bodega was his everything, he’s dedicated so many years of his life to making it what it was. And now, just like that, it’s gone. Dark. Erased like it’s never been there in the first place.

She shifts to the side, lets her weight rest against him and leans her head onto his shoulder. 

“Don’t forget us when you’re chilling on your beach, alright?” 

She wants to say me. She wants to ask him not to forget her. To write, to call, to visit. She wants to ask him to stay, to give them a chance. But she knows she can’t say any of these things. After all, Vanessa knows what it’s like to have a dream that’s bigger than Washington Heights and what it’s like to finally be close enough to taste it. She can’t stand in the way of Usnavi’s happiness and ask him to do something that would make him despise her in the long run. She has to let go.

Maybe this just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps the timing was off or Vanessa was just too slow. If only she had asked him out years ago. All this time spent dancing around each other without ever acting on her feelings seems so wasted all of the sudden. But now here they are, on their last night together before they both pursue their dream -- separately. In different parts of the world.

So she doesn’t say any of the things she so desperately wants. Instead, she closes her eyes to block out the abandoned bodega, swallows around the lump in her throat and thinks back to Abuela Claudia.

Paciencia y Fe.

Eliza exhales slowly, eyes cast down for a moment before she lifts her head to glance towards where Alex is sat on the couch. He’s got his elbows resting on his knees, hands locked together and head down. She’s seen her husband in various arrays of emotion. She’s seen him happy, giddy, annoyed, angry. God, she’s seen him angry -- at the people he works with, at politicians and celebrities and random people on the street. At himself. But sad, that’s an emotion she’s rarely gotten to see. Every now and then, the self-doubt would break through but Alex always took care to seal it again quickly and Eliza never wanted to push too hard and end up pushing him away.

So seeing him like this, so completely distraught with all of his walls down, shakes her to her very chore. it breaks her heart. But she also knows he has a reason, doesn’t let her sympathy and the need to nurture and comfort get the best of her. 

Things have, naturally, been more than tense ever since things... exploded. Eliza’s had to block just about everybody but her sisters from her phone for a solid week because everybody having an opinion was too overwhelming. For a while, she thought this would be it. She’d considered getting a place somewhere, at least for a little while, But after spending three straight days at Angelica’s, she had known she couldn’t do that. She missed him. She seeing how passionate he got about whatever went wrong at work and chatting about things that actually matter over dinner. She even missed him getting up at the break of dawn because he’d gotten an idea he had to write down.

So she went back. She loves Alex, despite everything. He’s made a mistake, a big one at that, and she’s sure as heck not going to downplay it but it doesn’t change the fact that she loves him and that she sees the world when she looks into his eyes. That with him by her side, everything seems a little easier. And so, she was willing to work past this.

It’s not as easy as this, though. While Eliza is willing to forgive, Alexander seems to have a harder time with it. He doesn’t eat as well anymore, he barely sleeps. If they touch each other, it’s because Eliza initiates it. Alexander keeps a respectful distance, likely because he doesn’t want to overstep. Eliza doesn’t like that there’s boundaries still when she’s ready to start taking them down again. If they really want to move past this, they need to be on the same page, not on opposite sides of a brick wall.

So she crosses the room slowly, sits down next to him. Her hands reach for his face, tipping it up and turning his head until she can actually look at him. “You made a mistake, Alexander. We’ve acknowledged that, we’ve felt that. But a mistake does not make you a bad person and it’s not going to break us, not if you don’t let it."

Her thumbs brush over his cheeks for a second before she pulls back a bit. Her hands settle on Alex’s instead and her shoulders square, though her eyes don’t leave his. “I love you, Alex. But I don’t need you to let me do anything. If I would have wanted to move on, I would have. Regardless of whether or not you would have liked to let me. This is my choice.”

She pauses, lets the words settle with Alex before she allows her fingers to curl around his, tugging his hands into her lap. “And I’m choosing this. I’m choosing you. Us. So I need you to stop thinking that you’re hurting me just by being because if I couldn’t do this, I’d be gone. I want us to be okay again. I don’t want us to live like strangers.” 

Shifting a bit closer, she lets her forehead tip against her husband’s. “Can we be in love again?”

Vanessa’s face shifts from surprised to empathetic within a matter of seconds. Hearing Usnavi ramble isn’t exactly new -- by now she’d picked up on it being a nervous habit of his -- but usually this means he is just tripping over his words while he makes her coffee or while Sonny is doing questionable body rolls at her. Right now, there’s none of the usual adorable dorkiness about him. What she’s hearing isn’t the rambling of someone who just can’t find the right words and who is talking a bit faster than he is thinking. This seems more bordering on a nervous breakdown than anything else.

“We have candles,” he nods as soon as Usnavi stops talking for long enough. The blackout’s been going steads with no help in sight in the next few days. They’ll fix it eventually, they always do, but for right now they’re all stuck living the pre-electricity nightmare. As far as Vanessa’s concerned, the worst is the lack of AC and working fans. Just a few more days until she’s officially moving. Lucky for her, though, her mother’s over-prepared for just about everything and so their candle supply could probably light up the entire barrio. She’s brought over to Nina already and Carla dropped by earlier to pick some up as well. And now, here’s Usnavi.

But she doubts the lack of light is what’s really brought him here. It may have been the final straw that made him get out of the house but his eyes are too wide, his hands fidget too much for him to just need a candle or two.

Abuela’s been gone for three days. 

Usnavi’s pulling through and quite honestly, Vanessa is out of her mind impressed by it. He still opens the bodega at the same time each day, he still gets her her coffee on the house. But, she doesn’t see him after he closes shop anymore. He goes home and doesn’t leave until he goes back to work the next day. Vanessa’s tried to get him out, tried telling him that it’s not healthy to hole himself up in there. To spend half the day in the pitch dark with nothing but her memories that she’s sure are everywhere. So far, she’s not had any success.

She’s not sure what made Usnavi finally reach out. maybe he does just need a candle. But she’s sure as hell not going to give him a package and send him away again. Her hand reaches out slowly until it settles against his forearm. He doesn’t pull away. “Usnavi.”

The word is quiet when it leaves her lips but she knows he hears her because his head drops, staring at her hand or the floor or god knows what. Vanessa lets her fingers squeeze against his arm just a bit, trying to gain his attention again. It takes a moment to notice the way his throat works violently against the lump in it. 

She pulls then, tugging at the material of his sweater relentlessly. “C’mere.” Usnavi goes easier than expected and a second later, Vanessa’s arms wrap around his neck, her chin hooking over his shoulder. She lets a hand rest at the back of his neck while the other one rubs at his back lightly, hoping to be helpful in some form. He doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this by himself. Maybe Vanessa’s leaving, yeah, but she’s not going far. She’s always going to be there. And especially right now, they need to stick together.

So she just holds on, holds him a little tighter for a few long moments before she speaks again. “You should stay here. Preserve candles.” She has a feeling this is reasoning has a better chance of getting him to agree, even if it’s ridiculous. Pulling away just a bit, she lets a hand fit against his cheek. “I cooked. I think it might be edible. Think you can handle the heat, papi ?”

[ SMS ; Alexander ] RELAX? YOU’RE TELLING ME TO RELAX?![ SMS ; Alexander ] I am COVERED, Alexander![ SMS ; Alexander ] I can’t go to work like that! There is no way I can stand in front of a class of college students when I look like I’ve just played an extra in a vampire movie![ SMS ; Alexander ] I can’t even wear a scarf, it’s the summer! And I’d probably sweat concealer off, too.[ SMS ; Alexander ] Why this? What did I do to deserve this? Did you honestly not realize what you’re doing?[ SMS ; Alexander ] ... or did you and that’s the point?[ SMS ; Alexander ] In which case, you’re the absolute worst and I’ll spend all day thinking of a fitting punishment.[ SMS ; Alexander ] Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to ask my downstairs neighbor to borrow some concealer from her and slather me in it.[ SMS ; Alexander ] Love you but also hate you.

[ SMS ; Usnavi ] And that’s obviously a totally hypothetical question.[ SMS ; Usnavi ] I don’t know, man, a little birdie tells me the three of you probably had super wild sex all night long. Just a hunch.

( a pause )[ SMS ; Usnavi ] I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.[ SMS ; Usnavi ] You were so drunk, it was actually adorable. [ SMS ; Usnavi ] Blame Benny, he was buying the shots. You’re tiny, you need to stop trying to keep up with him.[ SMS ; Usnavi ] But, to clear this up, I was the designated responsible one and tucked you guys in. De nada.[ SMS ; Usnavi ] And next time? You better let me in on that spooning action.

[ SMS ; Alex ] Listen, I’m not a bondage pro either. And I don’t know knots for shit. I’m still impressed I manage to tie a tie these days.[ SMS ; Alex ] And I didn’t know what kinds of strengths you develop in bed. That knot should have been secure. It’s all your sudden superhuman strength’s fault.[ SMS ; Alex ] You just have no chill, babe.[ SMS ; Alex ] I still can’t believe you punched me in the face mid-orgasm.[ SMS ; Alex ] Never gonna forget that one for sure.