#phe problems

Thank the gods/goddesses it’s Friday!

I am in the middle of a pretty good flare up atm.... Ssssooooo this is how I am dealing with it.

I think I got this...I hope I got this...

So I have a feeling I am going to be getting myself into a lot of trouble if I don't knock my shit off.... 

Someone is starting to get feelings for me and like it came out of nowhere and he has a girlfriend who I know and get along with rather well I mean we aren't like best friends but idk anyways he has also become my ex's best friend and I can't bring myself to get involved with someone that is in a relationship and best friends with my ex I mean me and my ex are still really good friends but I don't want to hurt anyone that is around and I don't want acquire a name for myself around here and I don't think I could handle that like ever..... but this is the first guy that is my friend that I feel comfortable enough to just be myself and not worry about if at any point he is just going to be asking for nudes...I know he can be a pig cause he is kind of acting like it right now by just talking and flirting with me while he is with his girlfriend...and maybe I am only kind of interested because I am so lonely at this point in life and someone is showing me this kind of attention......

So I just got a text from my cousin asking me if i could get along with someone and i told her yes and asked why and she replied back with that she was planning her wedding and she wants me to be one of her bridesmaids.....I am flattered that she wants me to be one of her bridesmaids but I just dont understand how she is able to be wanting to be getting married anytime soon....she just got divorced....i have been single for a year now and i am going through a divorce and I want to be in a relationship but i am so scared.

Idk just kind of going through the random freak outs of me getting divorced....gonna be divorced by 22.....fuck yeah!!!! -_-

So i slept with a friend and as fun as it was and as much feelings i have for him i am some how i am able to hold them back mainly because he shows no interest in me other then i am a piece of ass for him when ever we are around each other......and thats even if he is in the mood....anyways i am confused because the next night a guy i have met only a couple times and have only talked to a couple times and it was about buying tickets for the shows he was playing....but he was so sweet to me and he called me beautiful and kissed the top of my head and held me so tenderly and it seamed like i forgot all about the night before and when i really realized it i felt like i was such a slut....i know im not but it just feels wrong that i slept with one guy and then the next night totally drop him like it was nothing....i mean i still have feelings for the friend i slept with but idk maybe i know i have more a chance of something more with the other guy but im not even sure if im all the way ready for something more and new with someone i guess its just nice to be wanted.

I cant wait to see my lover boy! ^_^ 

I know that he isnt as excited to see me as much as I am to see him (if he is even excited at all) cause I am pretty much just the booty call....but hey what ever not looking for a relationship with a band boy that is always on tour, lives in another state...and wants his life to be a secret.... you know writing that down makes me feel a little better lol 

So I haven't really been on lately and I really do miss my late night blogging.

But anyways just an update on my life (not that any of you care) I have been pretty much been going back and forth between orland red bluff and then corning with working and then going to my escape place (my best friends place) I am trying my hardest to get the divorce paperwork done cause i want it out of the way cause if i keep stalling i fear i might go running back cause at times i doubt myself....fear the worst like im not going to make it anywhere in life and what if i get stuck in this town.....stupid shit like that and *sigh* i just have people talking in my ear. I am so afraid to talk about it cause i dont even no where to begin and then i feel like i talk about it to much to my best friend, i dont want to annoy her with it cause i know i sure as hell annoy myself with this stupid divorce X_X and i know i need to move on and i want to move on i guess it is hard being in the same town as him :/ i know that if i keep up what i am doing i will be fine but i miss all of my old friends (his band members and their girlfriends) but they wont even give me the time of day unless he is around cause they have to "have his back" i dont know its all so stupid.....just overthinking life but hey like i have said if i go running back to him i loose everything i have worked so hard for the last 9 months and as much as i fear of never finding another person to "love me" i dont need it i am young and dumb and i am having fun (well for the most part lol) but ya....