#phantomramble

I dare never to question the virtue you teach

Even if the contradiction were glaring like spilled ink in parchment papers

Yet I wear a mask to please her

Never to go against the moral authority you so spew in her name with poison honey

To know my place if my fears become reality one day

To be the light to all mortals who’ll look up

To provide everyone miracles

Yet I found my own light no thank to you

I share it with whom you’ve said would strike me with their venom

Only to find solace with like the constellations in the night sky

But your teachings consume me like the flood she casted

I cling to the mask as to not displease you still

Even if whom I share the light show no judgement

Still that fear suffocates me no matter how much I fight it off

Despite it all, I seek towards my light like a forbidden fruit

When they give more security than the side that self-proclaim righteousness

Yet still I wear the façade to hide my truth

But to my light I can let down the mask and show my true side

And to that I can finally say I’m grateful for

Grateful to have my light that grant me warmth and love

My light that I want to spend eternity with

But the fear still looms over like a persistent fly

Still follows as an reminder of my place

So still I hold the mask so close to me and build back the wall to protect them

Despite my yearn—

No

Despite my burning for them that ignited inside me like my very sword

I still want to protect my light no matter the cost

I’ll go back with my mask locked on me without a key

With no voice to sound my objections

With no hesitation

Even if it means I have to cast away my light

I’ll go just for their security

Please don’t snuff out my light

I pray to you

Please heaven. Hell. Somebody. That’s all I ask of you.

Rambles in 3……2……..1

Please note that Autism is a spectrum and that everyone’s have a different experience because some of these are hc are based on experiences I have as an autistic person or maybe other might’ve too. So please be mindful, but hope you guys enjoy and feel free to ask any questions. (I love this gif)

Headcanon 1:

Aziraphale isn’t comfortable with crowds or at the very least crowds that might be noisy or isn’t his usually spaces or familiar with (I.e his bookshop, Give me coffee or give me death, etc) so he usually just wouldn’t want to go or if he does try it, he’ll bring his yellow Walkman Crowley got him so he can listen to music since music calm him down.

Headcanon 2:

He’s the type to want to listen to any other songs to not get out the comfort zone so if he does, he would have to listen to them twice or three times in order to decide if he like the song or not. (Idk if this one odd let me explain, it something I do since I don’t like to listen to different songs that isn’t in my comfort zone let alone song that aren’t my usual so if I did listen to it I would have to listen to them fully two or three times to see if I like the lyric, rhyme and beat. Just to make sure it not too loud, repetitive, or fits in my comfort zone for me. But also the lyric the factor since I like interpreting songs, probably why I like The Crane’s wives for example or even Laufey sm.)

Headcanon 3:

Hardcover > Paperback because he likes the feeling of the hardcover then he does with paperbacks. But also he feels the texture is better. Hence why most of the books in his bookshop are hardcovers.

Headcanon 4:

He does have specific food textures he doesn’t typically like. Like bananas, if the bread is too flakey, rice is too hard, some sandwiches or eggs. So he stays away from it and stick to his safe foods like sushi, pears, cakes.

Headcanon 5:

Crowley love it when Aziraphale hyperfixates and talk about his favorite book he reading because it fill him with love to see that Aziraphale find something he loves. It actually took Aziraphale some time since heaven would often interrupts, ignore or blatantly brush him off to cut it out leaving Aziraphale to feel insecure about his special interest. Ofc it also toke meeting mortals like him to get him to open up so when Crowley first heard him hyperfixate it made him happy. Because that how Aziraphale in a sense show trust in him and himself to open up.

Headcanon 6:

Aziraphale likes to stim! I think I kinda dip my toes in it in some post from before but I do believe that he stims. Whether he hums a tone, wiggles or etc. he also started doing this after time passed because again heaven and also some mortal look down on this. But with the comfort of his bookshop, Crowley and also meeting understanding mortal he start to feel more comfortable. Granted he still try to hide it due to masking and to this day still mask but once he with Crowley or in the comfort of his home he stims.

And that really about it for hc today

Me rambling in 3…..2…….1 (tw: ableism)