zines that bring me comfort.
Living Not Existing #3 by geoff
i love geoff's Living Not Existing #3 so much. although my experiences differ from geoff's, it is just so affirming to read through how geoff is thinking and reflecting on themself, their life, failures, anxieties, etc. it's comforting to know that i am not alone with my insane thoughts and that i am allowed to feel the full range of my emotions. when i first read this zine, i became so erratically emotional during my read. it really hit me that so much of my love for perzines is searching and consuming other's experiences in hopes of being understood by strangers. reading about their experience as filipinx, being a queer and trans person of colour, recovery from addiction, mental illness, past relationships, etc. is all so meaningful to me. i can't express how much this zine means to me. they have such an inviting way of speaking to their experiences, but in a way that prioritizes their care first and foremost. geoff's zines in general are such a generous document of living and experiencing life. i feel so lucky to have come across this when i did.
Same Place, Same Time by Ann Xu
i remember picking up this at TCAF with my close friend who is also chinese. when we became friends, we bonded over the fact that we struggled with being connected to our culture, and that apparently we both come from the toisan region in china. i remember that her grandfather had passed away in our first year and he had been her primary access point to her culture. for me, i have always known my paternal grandparents, but because of complicated family issues, i was never as close to my grandparents as the rest of the grandchildren, as well as having not met my maternal grandparents until much later in life. i think the reason why this zine about imagining what life would be like if the artist had known their grandmother growing up resonated with my friend and i so much is because of how much grief we have for "could be" relationships with our family. i frequently find myself thinking, "what if life had been less cruel to my younger self? would i feel emotionally close to my grandparents?", "what if the barrier of violence and poverty wasn't there? would i know my language better? would i talk to my grandparents like how all the other kids do?", "what if i had met my maternal grandparents earlier in life? what if i had grown up in china? what if my parents had better relationships with their parents?" but just like he zine says, i didn't. i wonder how many other people who have been affected by poverty, violence, displacement spend their time grieving over these possibilities...
