#personal sort of

My thanatophobia when I'm about to fall asleep:

It’s been one year since By Each Crime and Kindness (I’m bound to you) made its debut on ao3.

The writing of this story started, of course, earlier, in late October of 2023. I had binged Attack on Titan that same month along with my partner and had been holding back my love of the AruAni ship, lest I be called a delusional romantic (not in so many words but you know what I mean). But then we got to the second part of season 4, and I first beheld Armin kneeling, repentant, in front of Annie’s crystal, begging her to speak to him, and… well… I couldn’t be contained anymore.

1) Winn, Brainy and Kara are going on a road trip

2) a leaving au fic where Kara asks Winn to coparent Alura

Or 3) Kara gets corrupted and leaves

I know it's not meant badly, and I know people aren't doing it with bad intentions, and I know!!! that a lot of people who are JGY fans do this

but also I really hate the thing where people like—refer to the character in general as Meng Yao (as opposed to when the time period/his status is specifically relevant). It's like...well, there's this bit from ch 48 for starters:

He continued to walk forward. The cultivator hurried to ask other people. Not long later, he caught back up, “Sect Leader! I’ve asked. The cultivator who kept guard at the end during the last battlefield clean-up is called Meng Yao.”

Hearing the name, Nie MingJue raised his brows, as though finding it somewhat surprising.

Wei WuXian knew why. Before Jin GuangYao was accepted into his clan, he was named Meng Yao, after his mother’s last name. This wasn’t a secret at all. In fact, the name used to be quite “well-known”.

Although not many people saw with their own eyes how it was when Jin GuangYao, the one who would later become LianFang-Zun and stand upon Koi Tower with unequivocal power, first came upon the tower, the rumors had already explained things at large. Jin GuangYao’s mother was renowned in one of Yunmeng’s brothels. Back then, she boasted the reputation of being one of the most talented prostitutes. It was said that she could play the guqin well and wrote excellent calligraphy. She was so well-educated that she could almost pass as the young mistress of a wealthy clan. Of course, no matter how great the resemblance was, in the mouths of the people, a prostitute was still a prostitute.

And then it goes on into how everyone knows the story of how he was kicked down the stairs of Carp Tower. It's a famous name, the name of a famous joke :(

And—you know, it's not a coincidence!!! That NMJ calls him Meng Yao when he does!!!! In the context of the violence he does!!!!

Jin GuangYao still wanted to speak, but Nie MingJue had already lost all patience, “Meng Yao, don’t speak such pretentious words in front of me. Your whole thing stopped working on me since a long time ago!”

Within a second, a few degrees of unease flashed over Jin GuangYao’s face, as though someone with an unmentionable illness was suddenly exposed in the public. There was nowhere for him to hide.

This is at the stairs!!! It's right after this he starts talking back!!!! It's like... it's very much part and parcel of NMJ's inability to respect him!!!

And I'm not saying the 'Guang' isn't an awful insult, of course it is, but I don't think there's any indication he'd rather be called Meng Yao!! Rather the opposite!! He is Jin Guangyao, it's what he fought and worked for, it's the name that means he can be Lianfang-zun, Jin-zongzhu, Jin-xiandu. And like—okay, if you want to avoid the Jin Guangyao you could use A-Yao, or even LFZ, there are options.... And it's like—I mean, in terms of the mother/father thing, he does keep his personal name!!! The 'yao' is the same.

And it's just...it what he wants to be called, you know? I don't think we literally ever see any indication that he wants to be called Meng Yao, indeed rather the opposite...he doesn't want to be powerless and he doesn't want the trappings of powerlessness, he wants power in his own right and that's what the name Jin Guangyao gives him....

I read “hope this doesn’t come off as rude” and braced myself for something really rude but it isn’t at all, Anon!

You are actually not the first person who’s asked (though not in a few years) :P

No, I don’t work in anything related to entertainment (and would hate it - I don’t even want to run a drama-centric blog like DB or Koala because that means I’d have to commit to producing a minimum of x posts a day on a specific topic and that’s not how I roll.)

I am an obsessive insomniac who watches most things on minimum 2x and often 4x and skips (I am also a speed reader so reading subs even on 4x is nbd.) I mean, even something I loved like Monarch Industry, all the scenes that did not involve Awu or Xiao Qi were watched on minimum of 2x and with Word of Honor, same for sect business (minus the Scorpion and his Daddy kink, heh.)

And for dramas I am less obsessed with as an overall drama, I skip a hell of a lot and watch only portions/storyline aspects that interest me. Something like Vincenzo, which doesn’t particularly grab me takes me something like ten minutes per ep (nor do I post much about it, heh) or take something like King’s War which I am watching solely for the hot brony Xiang Yu, I just watch his parts with some exceptions and that doesn’t take long.

That is why I would hate to be a recapper - my posts aren’t really recaps, it’s bits that grab my attention. Some eps of some dramas will get 20 posts per eps and some 1 per ep. If I had to do genuine recaps, I’d die.

Oh, and it may be hard to tell, but the amount of dramas I start versus finish promptly is an interesting ratio. I will either binge like a lunatic or put it aside for two years to finish then (or never) and often there is no reason to either. Like - Legend of Fuyao - I love that drama and it’s in my top 20 or w/e - but it took me 2 years to finish it because twice in the middle I put it aside for months and months for no particular reason. So I don’t watch as much as quickly as it looks like.

In terms of time per day, it’s actually not too much. When I get seriously obsessed about drama, like currently with Word of Honor, and watch it properly (or properly for me, as I said, I still watch sect stuff on 2x), I usually put aside other dramas because I don’t have the time. Like take a look at what I watched yesterday - 3 eps of WoH, that’s it. I couldn’t do more if someone stuck a sword at my face. If you exclude credits, is 2hrs of runtime put together (and that’s not even taking into account 2x for some scenes.) I cap as I watch (you can do it without stopping the video) so that doesn’t take any extra time and then all I have to sort and write it up which doesn’t take more than another hour or if I do have a lot of stuff to say, an hour and a half (and that includes random posts on other topics.) Three -three and a half hours is not much if you are an insomniac who destresses this way. I mean, by now when Mr. Mousie comes in and sees me binging something particularly devotedly he knows to ask me if I had a stressful day. And the answer is - the whole 2020 and 2021 has been stressful as hell!!! 

Like all the things that are 'coming of age, now you're an adult' are just things I have no interest in or actually inherently dislike.

Like

Alcohol

Sex

I do not want to be in a relationship at all

I did not want to learn to drive until very recently because I have anxiety

I live with my parents still because I am 22 in 2020 and anxiety has prevented me from getting a job until recently (and then I got made redundant so)

And yeah, okay, I love video games and cartoons and I admit I'm not a big fan of vegetables but I eat them (a minor thing, but genuinely my dad likes to act like I never eat them because I'm 'so childlish' and I need to 'look after myself' as though I don't put vegetables in EVERY MEAL I MAKE FOR US.)

It's very hard to feel like an adult when all the things that you've been told will make you an adult don't work for you

And people want me to be an adult

Well, I'm trying

But obviously it doesn't fit with your image of one