#personal sitt

but anyway it's sad? weird? and seems deeply distant? to know that around '88-'90 I almost had a big brother as well as a middle child after my big sister but she miscarried bc of some viral sickness

I could like... literally write a fic about ourselves

what would life had been like if there's three of us

maybe three girls all tall and blonde and bisexual lmao well anyway

I would have arrived anyway and wouldn't be a day older but maybe my big sister would have had someone closer in age instead of a baby to take all the attention from her right at the start of puberty rip

valaki literálisan beleállt abba az egyik régi ficemben, hogy hát csak az a fura benne hogy ez a család szerinte nem vinné a gyerekeket játszótérre, de amúgy aranyos. 

????????????? :DDDDDDDDDDDDD 

jelen statisztika szerint öt év alatt 206 kommentem gyűlt össze az ao3-on összesen, mindenre amit valaha feltöltöttem (versus merengős 62 lmao), és soha egy büdös megjegyzést nem kaptam arra, hogy mi a helyszín

EZ EGY FANFIC MARIKA, és itt most az a setting hogy a játszótéren vagyunk, téged meg ki bántott

vagy egy másik példa a karakterek OOC-ságának bizonygatása fél oldalon keresztül

????????????? :DDDDDDDDDDDDD

206 kizárólagosan pozitív élmény versus 62 megkérdőjelezhető visszajelzés 14-18 éves koromig, úgy, hogy az összes feltöltésem közül egy (1) helyen kértem az építő kritikát (a többinél már visszajelzésnek hívtam, meg csak azért kritikának, mert az volt a neve, de hát erről már volt belső diskurzus hogy miért és légyszi ne, de [meg kellett néznem] még mindig az a neve lmfao sigh anyway) 

annyira vicces számomra hogy soha bele nem álltam egy ooc ficbe ha találtam ilyet, hanem bezártam az ablakot ha annyira kidobott hogy nem bírtam tovább elképzelni úgy a szereplőket 

vagy hogy van egy félmondatos plothole a crackficedben diolover43536, javítsd már ki 

vagy teljesen random mindentől függetlenül megemlíteni hogy amúgy én nem is szeretem xy szereplőt / vagy ezt a literary trope-ot amit használtam benne

vagy hogy ‘nagyon jó volt de én biztos nem így írtam volna meg’

???::??????D???? :DDDD???DDDD???DDDDD  ??????:????DD???  :DD?:DDD???DDD  

olyan egy tokszik ördzs jött rám kiállni és megvédeni a tinédzser önmagamat hogy miafaszrólbeszéltek emberek, hogy na xddd  (not you Remy and Puppy, you never did anything wrong and I love you guys till the day I die)

kajak mivan 

like oké régen se voltam nagy író, most se vagyok, de a befogadó közegek milyenségében a különbség talán örökre megdöbbentő marad 

like it is mindboggling to reuinte with someone who is capable of expressing love like...

no matter how long you haven't met. no matter what you might have been up to in that time. no matter where you're going.

she sees you and she says, I love you, I adore you. it is so good to see you. we'll catch up. no matter that we haven't.

she says all of those things packed in a smile and hugs you tight, not like there's no tomorrow but like you've promised her all of the tomorrows there can be and she's already forgiven you for never holding to any of them.

that. that mindboggling level of unconditional.

not like mothers, not like best friends, something even deeper like a goddess caressing your face ensuring you at the end of your journey that everything is fine. and you believe it.

n e w a y s

no crying no bitching no talking to the manager no trying to make me ‘prioritize it’ no ‘but can we still instead...’ 

the longer you avoid doing exactly what I say the bigger the delay on your own shit, and don’t expect me to apologize for that literal physical fact that you’re causing

but I wonder what that conditions my brain into

specifically the set of rules part, I’ve been doing this for 4 years and it’s getting hard to not be methodical about everything 

for a long time I was used to feedback from people actually pretty close to me and it mattered because I could literally read those in their voice? idk it mattered for a lot of reasons, and random readers and commenters, hello! you matter a whole fcking lot too <3

I'm just musing here and this is in no way a passive-aggressive declaration of my expectations I just need to vent my feelings

once again I continue to be A Whore for attention no news

actually a freaking cute artist has bookmarked with a 'to read' tag and I know she draws scenes/moments from fics she likes and T__T it would be a dream come true level nice even if it takes years for her to get there

and okay like idk why I'm talking like I have more than one (1) such fic I just have like, 3-4 more upcoming that I know won't be read in my friend groups and I don't know how to get on the level of the big girls/gays/theys in regards to recognition and like make friends in that ship fandom

every day there is a clang in my whole chest that echoes and resonates, every other day a feeling catches me, an inescapable urge to say ‘I love you’ out loud. like it needs to come out, like she needs to know in that instant. not like it’s our last day on earth, no, it’s manifest peace and a welcome excitement, a magnetic pull that is warm and familiar.

there was a moment this last weekend when I expressed some distress of mine and there were these two of the best people in my life next to me going “nope, I didn’t see anything. did you see anything? no, me neither. we didn’t see so it wasn’t real, you can relax.” 

I have been smiling over that moment for days now, the way they just jumped into it with silent team work and it wasn’t like, gaslighting me or anything, it was a pure and utter emotional support net catching me and I’m glad I spoke up and asked for help when I was falling.