#personal discourse

Now Nonnie that is none of your business

I’ve had a few days to think about the whole debacle and the successive fallout; I’ve talked to people outside of the tumblr-sphere about it who were various degrees of constructively critical and empathetic, and I’ve read and looked up what people elsewhere said about the very same issue. I’m not going to get into that part in detail, but I want to get something across – as a general PSA if you will.

First of, I am going to concede that it wasn’t clever to post my opposing viewpoint in the same post; I should have made my own one. People who are passionate about a point and think they’re being righteous in expressing it (because they do come from a good or at least valid starting point of wanting social justice and awareness for specific issues) don’t want someone disagreeing with them in their own post. I personally always found that to be a pity because I truly believe we need discourse to open our eyes to other viewpoints, which is needed to find common ground and to live together in society instead of succumbing to pure tribalism, group think and polarization. But it is what it is. People will get defensive (sometimes justly, sometimes irrationally), and that’s a fact I should have understood long ago instead of naively hoping for something else.

Secondly – and there was my biggest mistake – I allowed myself to be petty about it. I thought I had laid out my argumentation rationally and factually, and for the most part I did, but I slipped into smug pettiness with one part of the argument, namely the part with the slashes being too much effort. That’s not even something that matters to me in the grand scale; it’s just the surface-level ‘symptom’ of the initial conclusion and resulting claim. It was always about the logical fallacy first and foremost to me, and I didn’t bring that across in the right way.

So, for those two things – assuming other people, like me, generally welcome debate on most issues, and allowing myself some pettiness and thereby irrationality – I apologize. (Which most of you who have made up their minds about me will see as a non-apology, but I do have some integrity and am not willing to give it up to suit you).

Despite what I just said in parentheses, I can’t deny that the whole fiasco didn’t wear on me, even hurt me. I’ve had an incredibly difficult year mental-health wise; the state of the world and the political landscape more than just worry me; I’ve had personal setbacks and challenges, and on top of it, a ‘fandom war’ that’s impaired my enjoyment of my main fandom to a not insignificant extent. So, all in all, 1/10, would not recommend.  

In light of all that, what happened those few days ago on here directly but also elsewhere was tough. The wild conclusion jumping, the unchecked lies that some people found okay to spread to other users via anon messages – just blatant generalizations without context – were infuriating and hurtful. I should not care what some strangers on the internet think and say about me, and for the most part I don’t, but I do care when it affects online relationships I valued, when even mutual accept these claims without taking a moment to go “Wait a minute, is that really so?” i.e. “Is she really this and that type of bigot or are people jumping to irrational conclusions here?”

But that’s a general flaw with tumblr-culture. One person marks someone or something as problematic, and the rest of the group – or a large part at least – automatically accept it. It’s the same way with fictional characters, or themes/storylines in TV shows. When one person says Ted Templatechar is a racist/homophobe/misogynist, a good portion of the fandom who also didn’t really like Ted Templatechar will agree and will pat themselves on the shoulder for recognizing the problematic aspect in the media they consume.

Here lies the hypocrisy that I so often observe and find very frustrating, because the same people who make Ted out to be a misogynist will defend Rod against another group in fandom who accuse Rod of being a homophobe. And so on.

All of that stems from an initial bias. None of these people are completely neutral or rational when they make these claims about characters (or actors… or other fans), because they will pick and choose what they agree or disagree with and then defend their position with passion and vehemence.

And, in a way that is fine. We are allowed to defend our beliefs, and we’re allowed to “curate our experience” and to cut out people who defend beliefs that annoy us. 

What we should NOT do, in my opinion, is always setting these beliefs up as absolutes. If someone brings up enough and solid enough arguments against an initial interpretation, we should at least open ourselves up to see it as an alternative and maybe equally valid take. Few people are capable of doing that, especially here on tumblr – which is at the very least disappointing, given the level of (often academic) education people on here have as opposed to other spheres.

Now, opinions on fictional characters and how we interpret their actions should not matter as much. In an academic environment they would not (and nobody would accuse the interpreter for being a bigot just because they don’t see the same kind of bigotry in the fictional character as someone else interprets there to be), but, despite the aforementioned higher educational standard, tumblr is not academia (and here’s another of my mistakes, because I too often treat it as such).

Tumblr is a melting pot of ‘misfits’, of in large parts members of LGBT+, in large parts mentally ill or neurodivergent, predominantly female, and possibly with a larger POC percentage as other groups (not 100% sure on that part, but possible). In short, we are the ones who get ostracized by society more than people who don’t belong into those groups. I belong to three of the aforementioned groups, so I do know what that’s like, namely living in a real world that is not as accepting and supportive of issues that are specific to my identity and my struggles, and then finding likeminded people on here who just get it.

Until they don’t.

There’s a lot of “us vs. them” group think on here, of wanting to protect oneself by identifying enemies and people that may want to harm us. That is understandable, but it is also very often wrong, and very often causes the same harm that people aim to oppose. In pointing the finger at someone else for an assumed bigotry (and yes, that includes fictional characters because there is always a projection onto the ‘messenger’ when discussing these interpretations; if Ted Templatechar is a racist, then Tumbrluser123 defending Ted is a racist too!), we easily fall into the trap of potentially becoming a bigot ourselves.

“Ted Templatechar is a racist!” – “No, he’s not. But he’s gay, so you’re actually a homophobe!!” – “You’re just saying that to hide your own racism!” – “No, you’re just saying that to hide your own homophobia!” – “I’m a lesbian.” – “Well there’s internalized homophobia.”

And so on, you catch my drift.

Which isn’t me saying it’s never okay to point out things that could, in certain contexts, fall into any of the aforementioned or other bigotries, but the blanket assumption – unchecked, unquestioned, unreflected – that something is what you initially perceive it to be is a sign of intellectual failure and dishonesty, of prejudice on your own part. And more so, the exaggerated generalizations to go from one instance that may be bigoted and mark the whole person out to be a bigot in their entirety is not only intellectually flawed, it’s dangerous in multiple ways. “That thing that you just said? You know, that’s kinda homophobic,” is a completely different challenge than “You are a homophobe.” There’s no redeeming that once you bear that mark.

I know what I stand for; I know what I’ve opposed and spoken out against, and what I've defended, not just online but actually in real life, many times. I remember conversations I’ve had where I challenged people in real life on their beliefs. I know what I believe about others and the rights and protections they deserve. I know my understanding of power structures and systemic oppression. I know what I’m about. It should not matter as much what some highly biased, close-minded strangers on the internet think about me. But, in many ways, it does. It does more than I wish it did, because I, too, am part of this group of misfits and have a ‘home’ here. There are issues that people in real life don’t understand as deeply as people here do. And beyond that, there simply are interests, a type of humor, an enthusiasm for the same things that I do not find even among my close real-life friends.

So yes, the last few days were tough for me, because this is my community. My hobby, my source of escapism from a world that doesn’t ‘vibe’ with my personality the same way the tumblr-sphere does, and from a world that isn’t always so accepting and understanding of individuals.

Apparently, neither is this world, though. People everywhere are guilty of group-think, or tribalism, of bias and close-mindedness. My need to push people to challenge their own views because I naively, desperately want to believe that we can be better than that (better than irrational, egocentric and entitled people who put their own narrow world-view above all others), means running head-first against a wall.  And as I said before, by now, I’ve been ‘concussed’ often and drastically enough to have learned my lesson. And yet…

It’s incredibly hard for me to hold back in such situations because my mind just keeps circling around these topics. I’ve had situations in which I couldn’t sleep because my brain would not STFU about it, to the point where I had to get back up and type out my reply/post on whatever matter bothered me. This is a me-problem, but it’s got a lot to do with my ADHD (for which I finally have a diagnosis now, which explains so much… If I were super petty I could accuse all of you who don’t want to empathize with that as ableist. See? This whole game of being super aware and super social-warrior-like active can backfire so easily!).

I do have to learn to let those things go, and to observe more than interfere, to understand that tribalism is – while regrettable – natural and can only be fought with gentle pushbacks at the opportune moments, and maybe not even then. You don’t deradicalize a neo-Nazi by calling them stupid, and you also don’t deradicalize the “I am offended, therefore you and everyone else who disagrees with me is a bigot” crowd by trying to win a debate contest. To assume I could achieve that was arrogant, I’ll admit that (but, as I said before, also naively idealistic, because I don’t want to be right just to be right; I want to be right to make things better.)

I also have to accept that tumblr isn’t the real world; it’s a microcosm of its own that, in many ways, is very far removed from how the real world operates, and me wanting to combine and reconcile the two spheres is an often futile endeavor. My interests are rooted here, but my mindset is much more rooted in the real world, which certainly is a challenge to balance that I have, evidently, once again failed.

This has gotten really long already, and I doubt most of you will even read the whole thing. I can’t blame you if you don’t, because ‘ain’t nobody got time for that’, but if you just skim-read this and come at me with wild accusations, I won’t take you seriously. If you want to constructively, politely debate with respectful dialogue, I’m all for that.

I’ve been on here for 13 years, and even though I was close to just leaving it all behind Marie Condo style (because yeah, no joy sparked lately whatsoever), I am not going to do that. I’m not leaving. You can’t drive me away just because some of you have set your minds on me being one of the enemies. I know you are wrong in that; like I said, I know what my beliefs are and what I stand for. If you see me vastly differently then you don’t really know me.

I am more than just my online presence. It’s time I fully understand that, too and learn to stop defining myself so much by my fandom activities.

I will also try to not engage in controversial topics (as much). There’s little point to it that actually brings me or anyone else a true benefit.

Stop eating pasta, or indeed any food, when listening to new music. You know how you get.

Sincerely,

Idk if we’re even going to get a student - professor strike here, which would be a fairly nonviolent action that does put the U on pause. But that also puts our student careers at risk, so once again: it’s not happening. Like I’d honestly respect anything that feels impactful, like I get that I’m being a bit edgy but like…. Am I wrong? Any meaningful action is going to put all involved in danger though I do get it’s meted out unevenly, some ppl more vulnerable, etc etc