Fangirl and Proud!

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Thank you Mod H!

When I was younger I was very right-wing. I mean…very right-wing. I won’t go into detail, because I’m very deeply ashamed of it, but whatever you’re imagining, it’s probably at least that bad. I’ve taken out a lot of pain on others; I’ve acted in ignorance and waved hate like a flag; I’ve said and did things that hurt a lot of people.

There are artefacts of my past selves online – some of which I’ve locked down and keep around to remind me of my past sins, some of which I’ve scrubbed out, some of which are out of my grasp. If I were ever to become famous, people could find shit on me that would turn your stomach.

But that’s not me anymore. I’ve learned so much in the last ten years. I’ve become more open to seeing things through others’ eyes, and reforged my anger to turn on those who harm others rather than on those who simply want to exist. I’ve learned patience and compassion. I’ve learned how to recognise my privileges and listen to others’ perspectives. I’ve learned to stand up for others, how to hear, how to help, how to correct myself. And I learned some startling shit about myself along the way – with all due irony, some of the things I used to lash out at others for are intrinsic parts of myself.

You wouldn’t know what I am now from what I was then. You wouldn’t know what I was then from what I am now.

It distresses me deeply to think of someone dredging up my dark, awful past and treating me as though that furiously hateful person is still me. It distresses me to see others dredging up the past for anyone who has made efforts to become a better person, out of some sick obsession with proving they’re “problematic.”

The obsession with finding shit in someone’s past and then claiming that a questionable or even sordid past negates all possibility of a good present needs to become extinct. Gold-star activism and purity culture are bullshit and we need to collectively reject the fuck out of them.

But every time I watch Supernatural, I see a (mostly unspoken) understanding between the brothers.

Like Dean will shamelessly flirt with or check out men around Sam, and Sam never bats an eye.

When Sam called Dean out on how him being "butch" might make people think he's overcompensating, Dean just said "right" all awkwardly.

When Dean spoke of his relationship with Benny to Sam, he used the word "relationship" without worrying about the implications of it (even if they weren't actually in a relationship)

When Dean told Sam that Aaron was his "gay thing," Sam moved on from it almost instantly, and Dean never felt the need to explain it away.

When Dean was flirting with that male cop, Sam had to pull him away, and Sam's only expression was annoyed.

Before Sam knew sirens could sire people without sex, he didn't react when Dean's siren was a man.

When Dean meets his celebrity crushes, he gets all flustered, and Sam is never bothered (confused, shocked, etc)

Dean will make queer references

Sam will make little comments ("...or are you strictly into Dick now?", "I forgot about you and Crowley's summer of love", etc)

I don't think either of them are unaware of the other's knowledge.