Hi, this is a weird post! If we're friends, I'm definitely not talking about you.
I wasn't going to make this post, but here we are. I talked to some friends of mine about a month ago about disliking fandom spaces lately. I lost my desire to write over it, which is major to me. I remember sitting at this coffee shop and telling my friend, "I just don't want to write for an audience that acts like that," and I realized that it's still true. I just... There are some wonderful people in this fandom, and those people know who they are because I frequently send love their way, but there are also a lot of miserable people within fandom. People who harass you with strange messages because they can be anonymous. People who start witch-hunts against authors because they don't like some characterization or some opinion they made the mistake of voicing - as if this space isn't meant for conversation. Recently, I was reminded of an author on here from ten years ago who made a long post about quitting the fandom altogether after being harassed incessantly by some awful people, and I thought, wow, that can't be that common. But it's looking like it is. I've seen some truly disappointing behaviour from some folks, and I just don't want any part of it. I don't want to talk with them, I don't want them to read anything I write, I don't want them in my space at all. So, I guess that's the reason I will quit trying to get myself to like fandom again. It's probably just not going to happen. I'll just mind my business and stop engaging. I want to write again, but every time I sit down to do it, I'm repelled by the fact that I'm re-engaging with these people. Am I just never going to post anything again?
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I took on another cat already. I feel torn. Nothing is gonna replace my buddy but like… this poor thing has matted fur. I do gotta check for a chip at the vet. Who the fuck declaws all four feet and lets them outside? The front ones are bad enough, but the back ones two? A black cat at that which some people don’t care for. And one of his fangs is chipped 😭 I mean I adopted Juno two months after Bella had passed. That one hit hard, oh my word. Anyway… two cats who do not remember each other and Akashi instigates fights. Perfect.
Am writing a little but still listless. I know it will pass but just… meh.
My friend told me , my account is unlucky. He even agreed when I said, "you think I should quit gacha?" I am terribly sad when I always look forward to coop with him, everyday but he never cheered me when I pull, or wished me luck.
Iemme said this one last time, I WISH EVERY ITTO WANTERS BECOME ITTO HAVERS
I had enough of people calling me unlucky, just wish me luck please.😭
on a personal note... i guess I could possibly put this under the chronic pain label but it’s just complaining about pain under the cut
i’ve been in pretty much perpetual pain due to my lower back for almost two months.
Today I twisted something in my neck and now my whole shoulders and upper back hurt so much I can barely move.
i don’t... admit pain often. i usually hand wave it and make jokes because my back has been horrific to me since high school... it just kind of came to a head today and I started sobbing about it. Even when this upper back pain passes my lower back will be noticeable again. It’s spread to my hips...
I know I should probably go to the doctor, but... I don’t know, I’ve never been good about making appointments. Or remembering to bring up how I want to maybe get my back check incase there is something other than just the repercussions of me having bad posture as a child. You’d think I’d remember that since it’s just a big part of my life I deal with, but no. Every time I go to the doctor I forget to mention it.
... well I will probably be going to the chiropractor’s tomorrow since I broke down in front of my parents because of it... they tend to be insistent.
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Here comes one of those sentimental, reflective posts I make now and then. My life is a whole lot different than it was 2 years ago, and this past month I had the most wonderful opportunities to reflect on exactly just how.
I always tell people the best years of my life were when I lived in London for grad school. Beyond my Human Rights master’s studies being the most engaging and fascinating academic work I’ve ever done, I took to London like I never have anywhere else. I had a part-time job, I had an internship, I had friends from all over the world, I traveled regularly and easily, I saw world-class theater on the regular, I went to movie premieres and red carpets, and not a boring day went by. I did a determined job search there as my grad program ended, and afterwards also in Germany where I have family and other ties, but in March 2017, I finally accepted that I needed to move back to the US.
2 years on, I’ve passed the one-year job landmark at an international development organization whose goals and people I absolutely love. And 2 years on, I was able to get myself back to the UK, Germany, and Italy on my own dime to revisit the friends and family scattered between them.
I missed London like a physical ache. It’s hard to put to words what the period of my life spent there meant to me - How much I felt I grew, and how convinced I am that it’s where I belong. Just getting to visit meant the world to me, as did seeing my 10-year long best friend there @threatepidemic, after our paths miraculously converged with us both moving there the same year to study at different Universities. I was nervous beforehand that being back in London when my life is now elsewhere would make me depressed, but fortunately the opposite happened.
Last month I visited London, Hannover Germany where my family lives, and then Rome and Florence with a good friend studying in Italy. Instead of depressing, every day and minute of the trip was completely joyful and fulfilling. It didn’t feel like trying to grasp at or recreate a period of my life gone to the past - It all just reminded me that that period is ongoing. All these places are still there, and all these people are still in my life. Yes, I’ve changed a bit since then and started down a US-based career path for now, but nothing has changed so irreversibly that I can’t tap right back into that treasured part of my life, when the time is right.
Although my long-term dream is eventually to move back to London or even somewhere in Germany, the trip also prompted me to take appreciation for the progress I’ve made since leaving London. At the most basic level - I’m earning a paycheck that lets me take the trips I want. At the deeper level of walking past the London cafes where I used to spend whole afternoons working on my dissertation, I can appreciate that all that work was worth it, and I followed it through to a relevant job I hope will lead me to engaging with those same issues I discovered and became so passionate about during my studies. Although following my career goals led me back to the US for now, my favorite London museums and cafes are still there for me to slip into, Cursed Child is still playing at the Palace Theatre (yes, I went to see it again and grinned through every moment!), and just as before - I still felt that same implacable excitement walking through the streets.
Blessedly, I came back from this whirlwind trip feeling fulfilled and at peace with practically everything in my life. My favorite cities abroad are waiting for me when the time and the job is right; I got to see my family and little cousins in Germany and see how they’re growing up; I got to spend quality time with my best friends in London and Rome, and those friendships are the kind that help the whole world make sense, when you spend time together in person. So - Instead of making me feel like I’d lost anything, this trip just reminded me of all the richness in my life to be grateful for. <3
It happened to be my birthday week when I got back, so to counter any post-trip sadness that might have come, I returned to the warmest flood of reminders of how lovely my life, friends, and coworkers are here in DC. This weekend I’m still working my way through cake and chocolates (People who know me cater to my sweet tooth :’)) and still trying to process that my friends colluded to get me Adam Driver throw pillows I’m definitely not obsessed with or anything...
From here on, there’s only more to be massively excited for! I’m going to the first Burn This preview performance in LESS THAN 2 WEEKS and I’ll be meeting up with amazing fandom friends in NYC! Next month, I’m lucky enough to be going to the Opening Night as well! @umkylo and I are thinking of a December trip to London for the Episode IX European premiere! So many landmark awesome things; and they’re all on top of the day-to-day life I can now say - 2 years on - I’m so much happier with than I could have imagined. :)
And of course.... My new ridiculous/amazing Adam pillows! (Probably the best birthday gift ever lolol)
PS: I’m maybe a bit more self-conscious making these posts now than I used to be, considering that I have a few more followers it’s not like I’m exactly talking to myself anymore. (Still not a ton by any means, but just cracking 200 was crazy) Posts like this might seem like “Wow great for you, cool story bro” but it’s really not supposed to be social media bragging or posturing. Now and then, I always try to pause and take stock of everything in my life - Especially after certain landmarks like this recent trip. It’s far too easy to let everything rush by without taking time to think about where we’ve been and how far we’ve come. It’s therapeutic, really, to type out something like this and take the time to put into words all the positive emotions and experiences in life. Of course, not every day is great or perfect, and it’s far too easy to focus on the frustrating or negative aspects of life. That’s why I take the time now and then to revel in the positives - To choose to focus my outlook on these aspects of life, and commit them to words and posterity while the feelings are fresh.
hey guys!
I’m alive, I know I have been MIA but I am super busy >.< i’m trying toget a job so that I can start saving up some money >^< but unfortunately with me being all tired and stuff I’m not drawing that much :/ my head hurts and I never like how my art turns out…. #artistsproblems (IKR)
So yeah… forgive me guys! and remember I love you all, and I am so so so thankfull for your support!!!
xxxx
quick reminder if you do want to support me in anyway I have a redbubble , society6, and BUYmeAcoffee :3 any small donation/purchase helps me lots <3
