#personal 2018

RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO PUZZLING TO ME

How do you know you do not feel friendship but your feelings are instead romantic?

How do you know you feel sexual attraction?

How can you be attracted to more than one person? (I'm stuggling with trying to figure out if I'm attracted to ONE) Like, you are in a relationship, and you find that you're attracted to someone else - how is that possible?

Obviously, I know that for the majority of people this is natural and also kind of unexplanaible, so these were just rhetorical questions, but at this point I'm not adverse to getting some answers, experiences or anything, so please feel free!

For me, trying to "get" what is romantic but most of all, sexual attraction is standing in front of a fog and reaching into it, not knowing what am I searching for and what I will eventually find will be the one I was searching for or something completely different.

I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings, because I am unsure of mine, and if they had feelings for me, and I finally realize I'm not attracted to them, they might feel like I was playing with them, or something.

But according to my therapist there are at least 5 things (she tells me most people only have 1 or 2 of these), which are telling me "No" when I try to get romantically/sensually close to someone.

1) my sexual trauma

2) my parents' cold relationship, so no healthy pattern to follow in my own relationships

3) practically no communication in my family which makes it extra hard to communicate my feelings

4) my reaction to stress or perceived danger is AVOIDANCE at all costs, so I'm inclined to avoid everything which is scary even if it is safe...

5) my low self-esteem (body wise, and femininity/desirability wise)

And my therapist said that these are maybe not even conscious things, and my body and thoughts decided what to "feel" even before I could do something, so I can't really trust my OWN THOUGHTS and feelings on this... and this makes me feel miserable because then how should I trust my mind telling me no, when I at the same time want to progress and have a family of my own, or even one person who I'm together with and we love each other in some way, but deeply and trust each other completely, and are able to accept each others changes throughout life and everything...

I need to practice, I know but this is probably the hardest thing I have done. Ever. And I know that in other fields this worked but what if it's not working here??

Anyway sorry for my rambling.

for some reason we were sitting there just watching it.

Reblog as an ask meme or play at parties :)

For more info: NHIE /1 with rules and game ideas :)

Never have I ever...

Had someone cheat on their s.o. with me

Snooped through a friend's bathroom/bedroom without them knowing

Been home alone for more than one week

Randomly met a friend in another city

Had a movie marathon

Masturbated more than twice in one day

Thrown up at a friend's house

Lied about being or not being a virgin

Kissed someone whose name I didn't know

Seen somebody's boobs

Coloured my hair

Seen someone's dick

Grinded in a club

Gotten a boner at a family meeting

Had sex with a guy

Seen someone's vagina

Had sex with a nonbinary person

Frenched someone with a tongue piecing

Painted my nails

Had sex with a girl

Been in handcuffs

Slept naked

Been on TV

Grabbed someone's boobs

Done petting

Made out with a friend just for fun

Flipped off a teacher or superior

Had someone put a hand under my shirt in a club

Shoplifted

Taken part in a talent show

Accidentally bitten someone's tongue while making out

Been thrown up on

Had sex drunk

Fallen asleep watching erotic content

Fallen in love at first sight

Had a Harry Potter movie marathon

Had unprotected sex

Not noticed I was on a date

Been in a club underage

Watched an entire season of a TV show in one day

Had sex on a moving object

Done the ice bucket challenge

Made out with a stranger in a club

Not been let into a club

Had a crush on two people who were together

Been in the same room as people having sex (while not involved)

Kissed a drag queen

Stepped in dog poo barefoot

Had a crush on a mutual (irl: on another player)

Sent nudes of someone else

Thrown up from alcohol poisoning

Been arrested

Had sex in a bathroom

Been friends with benefits with someone

Had sex with someone in a (semi-) public place

Been caught by my parents during a sexual act

Shot a gun

Masturbated with someone else in the room

Thrown a house party

Lied about a family member dying to get away from someone

Been to a strip clun

Had sex with someone with a penis

Been inside a casino

Screwed around in an elevator

Gone skinny dipping

Made out with someone in a toilet stall

Called someone the wrong name during sex

Endured an entire Hobbit + LotR extended edition movie marathon

Bought someone a drink just to have sex with them

Had someone masturbate in the same room as me

Been with someone with a foot fetish

Walked in on my parents having sex

Sent nude picture(s) of myself

Roleplayed during sex

Had sex in the wilderness

Pressured someone into getting a tattoo or piercing

Been inside an adult store

Filed a restraining order

Lost my virginity while drunk

Lost my virginity in a place other than a bedroom

Joined mile high club

Woken up in a strange place without remembering how I got there

Had sex with a friend's family member

Made out with someone for more than 1h

Been in an open relationship

Done body shots

Desperately wanted someone to fuck me

Had unprotected sex at a one-night stand

Passed out due to alcohol

Been pregnant

Had sex with a junkie

Used a vodka tampon

Cheated on someone

Recorded myself having sex with someone

Had sex in a club

Ask me things, reblog as an ask meme, or play with your friends :)

Never have I ever...

Talked to myself out loud in public

Fantasised about a teacher/professor/older superior

Watched the same movie in cinema more than twice

Been on an international plane without anyone I know

Failed an exam more than once

Been in love with someone

Dined and dashed

Had a near-death experience

Hugged a celebrity

Been caught cheating on a test

Stolen something from a roommate/flatmate

Sent dirty text messages

Been cheated on

Had a homophobic family member

Caught someone else cheating on their significant other

Been to a festival

Had phone sex

Been in a car with more people in it than legally allowed

Snorted a non-drug

Owned a copy of the Kamasutra

Pretended to be in love with someone

Had drunk sex

Been on a dating site

French-kissed someone while crying

Gone to an event without paying the entry fee

Bitten someone's nipple

Had sex with someone of the same gender

Made out with someone in school/uni

Outed myself to my parents

Had my head get stuck in a bus/tram door

Travelled to another country for a date

Had sex without foreplay

Driven a car with more people in it than legally allowed

Slept in the same bed as a stranger without! having sex

Been in a relationship with a teacher/professor/older superior

Had two or more fingers inside someone's body

Been to an all girl/ all guy club night

Had sex during the day

Been to a drag show

Had a stranger ask me to get in bed with them

Been to a baby shower

Slept with someone with a 5+ years age difference

Had sex in a gym

Been outed to someone else by a family member

Had sex with the lights off

Bought a shades of grey themed sex toy

Been in a straight pretend relationship

Had sex sober

Watched others during sex

Had three fingers or more inside someone's vagina

Had sex with someone with a circumcised penis

Done something stupid in order to be able to keep listening in on a conversation

Had sex on the first date

Used sex toys with someone else

Had sex with the lights on

Lied to my partner about something important

Had sex while my grandparents were in the same building

Masturbated somewhere other than my home

Had sex at a friend's house

Fallen in love with a friend

Had sex with someone of a different gender

Done bondage

Driven faster than 200kmh/125mph

Had sex with a minor

Googled how to: gay/lesbian sex

Fucked a guy and a girl on the same day

Had sex with someone twice my age

Been handcuffed to a bed

Gotten someone pregnant

Destroyed a bed during sex

Had sex in a church/ other religious place

Introduced my parents to my partner

Waited in front of the loo waiting for my crush to come out

Been to jail

Kissed someone while one of us was driving a car

Had sex with a (former) teacher/professor

Used a shades of grey themed sex toy

Had a one-night stand with a complete stranger

Been proposed to

Enjoyed pain during sex

Severely injured myself during sex

Went to a bar/club just to get laid and succeeded

Inherited something

Proposed to someone

Used sb else's sex toys

Fucked someone without kissing them

Found sex toys of a family member

Been to a swinger club/party

Done hard drugs

Fucked someone I met at a funeral

Been caught cheating on my partner

Had sex with several people during five hours or less (not a threesome etc)

Been part of an orgy

Fucked someone I met at a wedding

NHIE/1 with rules etc