I literally did 2 years of therapy and learned SO MUCH about myself, and it helped a LOT in different subjects, and I will still continue group therapy for the next two years and all, but
RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO PUZZLING TO ME
How do you know you do not feel friendship but your feelings are instead romantic?
How do you know you feel sexual attraction?
How can you be attracted to more than one person? (I'm stuggling with trying to figure out if I'm attracted to ONE) Like, you are in a relationship, and you find that you're attracted to someone else - how is that possible?
Obviously, I know that for the majority of people this is natural and also kind of unexplanaible, so these were just rhetorical questions, but at this point I'm not adverse to getting some answers, experiences or anything, so please feel free!
For me, trying to "get" what is romantic but most of all, sexual attraction is standing in front of a fog and reaching into it, not knowing what am I searching for and what I will eventually find will be the one I was searching for or something completely different.
I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings, because I am unsure of mine, and if they had feelings for me, and I finally realize I'm not attracted to them, they might feel like I was playing with them, or something.
But according to my therapist there are at least 5 things (she tells me most people only have 1 or 2 of these), which are telling me "No" when I try to get romantically/sensually close to someone.
1) my sexual trauma
2) my parents' cold relationship, so no healthy pattern to follow in my own relationships
3) practically no communication in my family which makes it extra hard to communicate my feelings
4) my reaction to stress or perceived danger is AVOIDANCE at all costs, so I'm inclined to avoid everything which is scary even if it is safe...
5) my low self-esteem (body wise, and femininity/desirability wise)
And my therapist said that these are maybe not even conscious things, and my body and thoughts decided what to "feel" even before I could do something, so I can't really trust my OWN THOUGHTS and feelings on this... and this makes me feel miserable because then how should I trust my mind telling me no, when I at the same time want to progress and have a family of my own, or even one person who I'm together with and we love each other in some way, but deeply and trust each other completely, and are able to accept each others changes throughout life and everything...
I need to practice, I know but this is probably the hardest thing I have done. Ever. And I know that in other fields this worked but what if it's not working here??
Anyway sorry for my rambling.
I will get out of this low in a while, I know, it just sucks to be in it.
