#pendulation

to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and

closes.

If it were always a fist or always stretched

open,

you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding.

The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birdwings.

So therapy yesterday.

I mentioned how I’ve been thinking a lot about R lately. There is a dynamic of my relationship with R that I haven’t talked about much on here because I’m embarrassed by it but my therapist and I have talked about it extensively. It involves eating disorder behaviors and R ‘caretaking’ me. I know how unhealthy that is so if I was to re-establish contact with R I would absolutely be careful to avoid that dynamic. But that dynamic is deep seated in the attachment trauma. Basically it’s a way to seek out what I didn’t get from my Mom.

My therapist started out talking about what it means to ‘heal’ and what’s missing from my healing process so far. We talked a lot about how trauma is stored in the body and what I physically feel when I’m triggered. I think I’ve done a huge amount of work and healing from the attachment trauma but there is still something missing and that’s keeping me from fully healing.

My therapist asked to describe what I physically felt when I think about that ‘caretaking’ dynamic that has played in some of my relationships. I hard a hard time describe the physical sensations but I was able to identify two aspects. Both are my emotional but there is a physical aspect to them. The first is exhilaration/power/control. It almost feels like a high. But my therapist and I have discussed how that’s just a cover for the deeper emotion of rage. I get that sense of power and control because that behavior is like big “Fuck you!”. “I’m going to do what I’m going to do and you can’t stop me.” This is where the confusion comes in where I’m feeling intense love for my Mom and yet also anger at her.

I started to get really angry in session yesterday. I wasn’t anger at my therapist. It was the rage I have against my Mom. My therapist asked me what I was physically feeling and the only thing I could think of was ‘tense’. I kept saying I wanted to punch something and yell as loud as I could. I had my hands in a fist and I was shaking them.

My therapist and I discussed how trauma can be stored in the body and that’s when she brought up something called ‘pendulation’. I had heard of it but didn’t know what it was. Basically it’s similar to mindfulness and grounding techniques. The point of it is that when you feel triggered you use grounding/mindfulness techniques to calm yourself down. And then if the trigger pops up again you use those techniques again to calm down again. Basically it’s like a pendulum where you swing back and forth between triggered and calm. My therapist even texted me some video’s of different techniques that can be used to ground yourself. (I already knew a lot but these were techniques I had never heard of).

New Post has been published on https://www.crownofcompassion.org/2020/11/30/a-mindful-posture-maintaining-it-toward-the-storm/

A mindful posture - maintaining it toward the storm

“Simply being aware of an intense situation is not the same as maintaining a mindful posture toward it. . . .  When you know a storm is coming, you can respond to the treat by staying inside or grabbing rain gear on your way out of the house.  Instead of reacting, you respond deliberately.”- Aundi Kolber

As Aundi Kolber moves on in Chapter 6 of Try Softer, she stresses that you need to find a way to listen to the truest parts of you.  Because when you fail to pay attention to your inner world, you find yourself susceptible to burnout, exhaustion, and chronic pain.  Also, since your brain is shaped around what you notice, it’s important to develop effective listening skills.  Plus, you need to respond to what your mind and body tells you.

Hence, Aundi presents three ways for you to live with attention.  Today she looks at the first two ways.

1.  Bit by Bit Pendulation.  You must learn to pace yourself as you work through the process of trying softer.  Thus, when you pendulate, first center your attention on something tangible.  Something that feels soothing or empowering.  Next, shift your focus to something that might feel disturbing.

Above all, when you feel overwhelmed, shift back to your first focus.  As a result, you gradually learn to embrace the hard parts of your story.  Consequently, the intense pain you feel lessens, and you move forward in your life.

2.  Beauty Hunting.  When we hunt for beauty, Aundi asserts, we learn to pay attention.  Therefore, we keep our eyes open for goodness and for cracks of light.  In addition, Aundi loves how the late Irish poet John O’ Donohue spoke about beauty:

“Beauty isn’t all about just nice loveliness.  Beauty is about more rounded, substantive becoming.  So I think beauty, in that sense, is about the emerging fulness, a greater sense of grace and elegance, a deeper sense of depth, and also a kind of homecoming for the enriched memory of your unfolding life.”

With beauty, Aundi observes, trying softer feels like a homecoming!

Today’s question: What Scriptures help you in maintaining a mindful posture?  Please share.