Trauma occurs in separation healing happens in relation

Work-It’s actually a lot better. I feel like it took losing my shit for people to notice this isn’t actually working. There is more communication and I have more freedom to make my own clinical choices. Two weeks ago the BCBA emailed me asking me for info he needed to include in his report. Nothing out of the ordinary. I sent him the info the next day and he responds by telling me he’s no longer with our company. What?! He either quit or got fired. I have no idea. It’s none of my business. Now it’s like the floodgates have opened. So much info is being shared. Wow. I don’t care what happened to that BCBA. Now there is so, so much more collaboration between myself, the new interim BCBA, and the clinical director-who I was previously not “allowed” to work with because she “interferes” with our plans. But I finally feel like I have access to the info I need to actually do my job. What a whirlwind!

I am also on the verge of getting a third client. After I lost my shit I think they realized, maybe we actually do need to speed things up. Except the client they want to give me is one that the house has been begging for months for me to work with him. I have been begging too. And now it’s almost too late. 🙄 This guy keeps eloping and going onto the neighbors property and now there’s a restraining order. A lot of this would have been solved if certain things had been fixed. There are so many times I just want to face-palm because these are such simple fixes that every home like this should have and yet they never thought of it. It’s so ridiculous.

Anyway the home this guy is being transferred to is within the same company so I will just follow him there. But that means commuting. Ugh. But whatever, it’s more hours and I think they’re planning on giving mileage reimbursement so I’ll take it.

They announced the next musical!!! Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Auditions are Jan 15th and performances are Summer 2027. Knowing what I know about our producer/director, I can only begin to imagine how spectacular this show will be. I am going to do my very, very best to prepare for my audition by starting now even though the audition is 6 months away. I don’t want to miss out on this show too.

Sad post:

I just got in a fight with my younger sister and I am so, so hurt. But I finally stuck up for myself. I don’t really argue with my siblings. The pattern seems to be if they don’t like something you did they just cut you out of their lives. On Thursday my youngest sister announced in our family chat that she is pregnant with her second child. Yay…😢

She’s pretty much ignored me for years. Years ago she told me it’s because she felt like I rejected the whole family when I stopped talking to my parents. She also said there was something else she was upset about but she wouldn’t tell me what it was. So basically she thinks I rejected her so, but I didn’t so now she’s rejecting me. That’s mature. In the years since that conversation she won’t share anything with me about her life. When we’re around each other at family events she’s polite but that’s it.

I’m so tired. I don’t know if I can write it out so it makes sense.

I tried to make amends with her today. I sent her a heartfelt message about all the things I could possibly think of that would have made her ignore me, including my attempt. I apologized profusely for what she might have seen and felt that day and how traumatizing it must be to see a sibling in that situation. I told her how much I loved her and shared things that I loved about spending time with her and watching her grow up.

Her response was that she didn’t appreciate being love bombed, she denied treating me as someone who she has to protect her family from, which is what it feels like, and she said she put up a boundary with me for her own reasons and she does not want to talk about it.

Wow. I’m so hurt.

I sent her a message back and told her that I don’t deserve to be treated like this. That I used to believe I deserved all of it because I hurt her so much. But other than what I’ve already said I don’t know what I did. I told her that I am at her mercy because she has control by refusing to talk to me and that is passive-aggressive. I can’t change something, do something different, I can’t explain anything, or make amends if I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I reminded about the mean things she said and did to me when she got pregnant with her first child. (I found out about her pregnancy from a Facebook photo posted by her husband, who declined my friend request because he tagged her in the picture. And then she was angry with me for sending her a gift and told me, “I don’t owe you a thank you for a gift I didn’t ask for.” I wasn’t even asking for a thank you. I told her about when I spent most our brother’s wedding reception hiding in the bathroom crying because of how she was treating me. Finally I once again told her I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I used to think I deserved it but I don’t anymore.

My entire family will be visiting in a week and a half. I am so hurt and angry that I don’t want to see her. Why would I? So I can hear all about her wonderful life that she doesn’t want me to be a part of while seeing my very cute nephew that right now doesn’t know who I am because he’s only seem me three times in his entire two year old life. It’s just a reminder of how he will grow up and I will miss all of it.

Any new client can schedule a consult on my calendar. I add my availability to the calendar and then they pick a time that works for them.

The issue I’m running into is that I have kept my availability on the calendar open in the evenings. A lot of people work during the day and so do I. I’m still increasing my caseload so I want to keep those hours open. I had planned to see clients in evenings long before I started boxing. Boxing is on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it’s just a class at the gym so I can go on either day. If a client schedules on Tuesday, I can go on Thursday and vice versa.

So, yes, I was complaining about missing boxing class but that really wasn’t the point of my post. My point was that I was feeling sad about recent events and boxing makes me feel good so I was sad about missing it. I was really complaining only because I was missing out on the endorphins. That’s why I added the part about maybe choosing to go out and doing something else that evening.

A direct quote from that post.

“I know this is all just whining and I should get off my butt and just get out of the house and go somewhere.”