Trauma occurs in separation healing happens in relation

I’m frustrated and scared and worried. I don’t want to lose my bestfriend. She has also struggled with alcohol. She still drinks but has pretty much had it under control the entire time I’ve known her. I had only seen her drunk once and that was the day of her son’s memorial service. But on the cruise, there was an incident where she got really drunk and did something that was pretty much ‘wrong time, wrong place’. It wasn’t horribly wrong and there was a bit naivety to it but it was not appropriate for the time and place and she could have been really hurt if we weren’t there. I’m worried. In the morning, I’m going to, sensitively, ask her about all of this. My concern is that she is texting both of us this stuff while she is drunk.

On the cruise, I felt so free and unburdened. I challenged myself in ways I never thought were possible and it was FUN! I genuinely enjoyed myself. There was so much laughter. Today, I once again feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Work sucked. Finances suck. Something happened on the cruise that is a huge but terrifying step in the right direction for me but may ultimately ruin my friendship with TM and that breaks my heart.

I feel horribly embarrassed and also proud of myself for challenging a huge fear that’s so big I didn’t think anyone could break through. TM’s son and I shared a room. When TM bought the tickets for the cruise this was the arrangement she chose. In the past, she has said to me that her son and I would get along really well. We have joked her being my future mother-in-law. I don’t think she or I ever thought that would come to fruition, but it has. Not to that extent but he and I are interested in each other and have agreed to dating. I wouldn’t say we’re ’in a relationship” but we are exploring where this could go.

I’m shocked that I’m even in this situation. The last time I dated anyone was in the Fall of 1999 when I was a sophomore in high school. Like I said, the fear of dating has been so huge I didn’t think anyone could break through it.

It happened slowly but quickly if that makes sense. The first night we went up to the top deck and walked around and looked at the stars. The second day it was friendly and more of the same but we spent more time together. The third night we both could sense things were changing. We talked about dating. We were both very clear in our communication about our wants and needs and about things that might interfere in a possible relationship. I shared how terrified I am and why. He agreed to move incredibly slow for me which I’m absolutely shocked about. He has followed through on this by keeping physical intimacy at a level I feel safe with and we both continue to communicate how we feel. When I say I challenged myself while I was on this cruise, I really meant it. It feels terrifying and good and I’m genuinely enjoying it.

Neither of us knows where this will go. He lives in Washington state and I live here in San Diego. That makes this early part of dating really difficult. So far things have been good. We text all the time. We have plans to read Harry Potter ‘together’ but apart. He sends me videos of him playing instruments and I send him videos of things in my life. Who knows what will happen. Maybe this will work out. Maybe it will fizzle. We’re just exploring.

But what about TM. This is her son. She’s my best friend. Her son and I each gave her hints that something was happening and I know she saw him give me a kiss on the forehead when we dropped him off at the airport. When I tried to say something about it she just brushed me off. I am afraid that she is angry about this situation, even if she is the person that created a situation for this to happen. Maybe she feels jealous or that I’m taking her son away or I don’t even know. She hasn’t been very communicative since we got home. She went on a much shorter vacation with a different set of friends the day after we got home from the cruise. She got home from that on Monday night. Since then her texts to me have been one word answers or short phrases and sometimes just acknowledging my text with a thumbs up. Maybe I’m reading into it. That is possible. My anxiety causes me to blow up minor situations into huge issues. Maybe she’s just been tired after a week and a half of vacation. I don’t know.

(This is not the ask about an update on the cruise. I’m guessing this was sent by someone who has no idea who I am, my history, or the progress I have made in my own recovery. I don’t even think they’ll stick around to see me answer this.)

This ask is hilarious. There is a difference between a logical brain and the brain of someone who is panicking. Panic is so irrational. People say things they don’t intend to act on.

Here is a list of things I did while on my vacation:

I wore a bathing suit for the first time in 25 years.

I sat in a jacuzzi while wearing said bathing suit.

Also, while wearing the bathing suit I was the first person in our group to jump off a sailboat in the ocean in Cabo San Lucas and used snorkeling goggles to see the different fish.

I tried a tiny piece of octopus from my friend’s seafood ceviche.

I tried so many different types of alcoholic drinks although I never got drunk.

I spent two nights dancing at a dance party. The first one was 90’s music themed and the second night was one hit wonders. These were both led by a choreographer who was demonstrating the dance moves for us.

I tried indoor skydiving by using one of those huge fans to make it feel like you’re floating.

About my job:

I really, really liked it at first. I work for a huge company that offers mental health care to a lot of different populations (children, adults with just mental illness, substance abuse, adults with mental illness and IDD). Unfortunately the longer I’m at this job the more I feel like I’m being used as a pawn by the people in my boss’s department to gain power over another department. Here’s why:

*The biggest issue is pay. This is why I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. All this work and I get practically pennies. I can barely pay my rent. I’m ‘PRN’, meaning ‘as needed’. It’s the same thing as per diem. My hourly wage is higher than I’ve ever had but when I’m working quarter time/part time hours, it’s just not enough. I’ve been begging to move this program along a lot faster so I can get an increase in hours and it’s just not happening. I have a private practice on the side but its purpose is to be a side gig-not my main source of income. I set myself up to add more clients but because of the paycheck structure of the company I use to see my clients I won’t see the effects of that additional client (s) until the middle of June. Money is the biggest source of my stress right now.

Moving one:

*I don’t belong to a specific department. My boss is the regional director of adult behavioral health. I work in a home that is part of the IDD department. It was explained to me that while my boss is part of a different department, this is a new program and the two departments are working together to make it come to fruition.

*That couldn’t be further from the truth. While I was doing the training my boss would describe each person I would be working with. Not their job description but their personality, including the personality of the only person to have this job before me. His intent was for me to recognize who I could trust and couldn’t trust and what not to within the home I would be working at.

*This is how my boss see’s my position. I go to the house for a one hour session with a client and then I leave. I give my recommendations to the client’s team during the once a month team meeting and I have no other involvement. That’s the entirety of my job. However, I have demonstrated to my boss that I’m not getting the whole picture of my client’s mental health. That’s harmful for the client because I can’t give adequate care or recommendations if I don’t know the whole story. See next bullet point.

*All communication must go through my boss. I mean this literally. He has been so particular about who I can trust and the chain of command. Example: Those stupid consultant logs. The program director asked me to email them to her because she needs them to give to our funding source. I literally paused and had to think about what I should do. I had been sending the logs to my boss and a director for the IDD side. The director for the IDD side would then forward my email to the program director. If I just cc’d the program director in the email she would get the same information without me sending it to someone else just for it to be forwarded to her. My boss has been very, very strict on me not making decisions without consulting him so to be on the safe side I talked him about this. He said no. Just flat out “no”. He gave me a speech about chain of command, blah, blah. I asked him about it again two weeks ago and his exact words were “because it would mess with the kind of hierarchy I’m trying to create.” That makes no sense unless it’s just about having power over another department. So I’ve just been cc’ing the program director anyway. I truly do not understand why that is in issue.

TW: Shooting at Islamic Center