#pedestrian nincompoops

Pedestrian's Guide to Getting Along With Vehicles - Part II

Has this ever happened to you?  You're foolishly using your legs like a sucker, walking down a sidewalk and you find yourself basking in the glory of a car parked on the sidewalk?  Well fear not, pathetic pedestrian.  Here are a few simple tips that can help in situations like this.

How fortunate were you to be reminded about your foolish decision to walk on a sidewalk?! image found here, courtesy of Patrick Traughber

Step 1: Don't get angry.  While a marvel parked on a sidewalk might not be your cup of tea, it's a very low level offense in the eyes of the law.   Retaliation in any form causing permanent damage to the car could be considered a felony.  Don't chance it!  You should write a note apologizing for even thinking of doing such a thing, you monster.

A nice little note will go a long way to mending the rift that you caused.

Step 2: When you're done writing a pleasant, self-selfeffacing note, delicately posting it on the car.  Simply walk around it on the street, ever so slightly bowing your head in reverence and shame.  

Step 3: Once you passed your combustable, metal superior, find the nearest police station and turn yourself in for jaywalking.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Walk over to the nearest SFPD station, like the Park(ing) Station Police Department and turn yourself in for being a filthy jaywalker. image found here.

Having this kind of humility when it comes to traversing our city streets will go a long way to making  our cities better for everyone motorists.

Don't let all the green fool you.  Golden Gate was built for cars, not stupid pedestrians & bikers.

Have you ever been in San Francisco and found yourself tired of pedestrians having the right of way with clearly marked crosswalks?  Have you thought to yourself, "why can't there be a place for me and my car without all those stupid bike lanes?"  Well boy do I have a place you will love.  It's called Golden Gate Park and once you step wheel into it you'll immediately realize it's built on a cartopian dream that takes nature and collides it with the convenience of vehicles.  It was meticulously designed to make anyone who walks or bikes in it feel like a Grade A loser. Here are a few highlights: #1 - Pedestrians Don't Matter!

Secret pedestrian crossings are everywhere in GG Park. They may be in the form of faded paint, obstructed signs, or simply unmarked crossings with none in sight! 

Sure, there are some trails through Golden Gate Parking, but you'll notice bipetal movement of any kind simply does not matter and is often shunned by the street design.  Golden Gate Park has gone to great lengths to hide pedestrian crossings to the point where you could walk thousands of yards and wonder where you should cross!  It's just another way of saying, "get in a car, dummy."

Other pedestrian crossing areas are nestled in between lush obstructed landscapes around cars going at least 25 miles per hour.  What better way to say "why aren't you in a car like a normal person?"

#2 - Bikes Have Plenty of Places to Not Belong

Don't let Google fool you dear motorist, I highlighted the areas where there are bike lanes. Google foolishly assumes you can bike on some of the trails but you'll see the park signeage says otherwise. 

There was so much frustration and pushback on any kind of bike lanes on even a small amount of the stroads in an the urban park, that bikers will be hard pressed to find any coherent bike path of any kind.

 Don't worry about bike lanes.  They are either wedged between parked cars or near speeding traffic!  Yay Cars!

And if it's not amazing enough that there are barely any noteable bike lanes in Golden Gate Park my dear motorists, it gets even better!  There are literally dozens of places that bikes DON'T belong in Golden Gate Park! You were wrong about those bike paths, Google, so very wrong.

Golden Gate Park knows that, for some stupid reason, some people actually want to bike in a park.  Fear not!  They know enough to ban bikers, but not build bike lanes. 

A few idiot bikers trying to get through glorious cross park motor traffic.  

Anyone who bikes around Golden Gate Park will soon understand they are not welcomed.  Every now and then you'll see a pesky faded bike sharrow or two, but don't let that dissuade you my friends. As you motor your way thru you'll understand that you're the king of this urban park.  When street lanes get wide enough you'll be able to store your car on them, I guarantee.

Every now and then you'll see a faded bike sharrow between a speeding & parked car.  

#3 - You can Park Virtually Anywhere!

There are so many places to park your car!  You may find a little gem of a parking lot here and there, but rest assured if there's a side of  something, you're allowed to park there, even if it's in the middle of two crosswalks!

In the magical motor land of Golden Gate Park, asphalt is practically begging you to stop on it.  All throughout the park you'll find varying species of parking, from the marked signs, unmarked areas, down to little nooks and crannies stuffed with hordes of cars.  And the best part about it is that you'll never have to pay a dime to park there.  Unlike other urban parks, the streets are free to store your car on for hours on end.

The best part is unlike most urban parks, you don't have to pay a thing to park!  You're apparently limited to 4 hours of parking in the same location, but do you think anyone checks?  Doubtful!

Even though it's a park that's heavy with pedestrians and some foolish bikers, you're still more than welcome to go the posted speed limit of 25 miles per hour (but who really goes that slow?)  There are tons of thru-fares and even a freeway like Highway 1 in this very park.  Despite the fact that people with children and elderly people stroll through this park, you'll never be forced to drive elderly center & school zone speeds. 

Doesn't matter where you're going in Golden Gate Park.  Rest assured that no matter how many pedestrians and bikers are around you're well within your rights to go 25 miles per hour.  Save the slow driving for elderly centers & schools, where you're legally obligated to restrain yourself. 

#4 Golden Gate Park has an Underutilized Underground Parking Shrine Underneath the Science Academy lies a testament to parking.  There you can drive all around to your heart's content and look for just the right spot.  Keep in mind, though, you would actually have to pay for parking down there, and then use your legs like a sucker to get to other parts of the park.  You might want to just drive thru this glorious parking jewel and take some pictures of the hundreds of unused spaces like I did.

There is a huge underground parking structure below the Science Acadamy but don't worry you'll never have to park down there.  Since parking is ~everywhere~ in Golden Gate Park and it's free, why bother?

Kids learning fun games and limericks that instill the ordained fear of vehicles. Photo: Lea Suzuki, The Chronicle | Buy this photo

The city of San Francisco is ready to spend the next couple of decades trying to make streets less like the highways they were designed to be.  And while motorist behavior stays the same, it only makes sense to teach children that they shouldn't get in the way of the almighty car.  Spokesman for the 'Kids Get Out of The Damn Way' program said, "Children need to learn early the grim reality that every street of every block of their entire neighborhood is a virtual slaughter zone, but they're going to learn in a super fun and interactive way!  They even have a mascot for the occasion called "Conky: The Crazed Car of Doom".  Conky would run around the children texting and drinking while the children avoided getting 'flattened' by the beloved mascot.

Always remember what Conky says, Kids!  "Get out of my way or I will END YOU." Image found here.  

The often trembling and teary eyed children were thrown into a "video game like" environment and told to play out real life scenarios where they pay reverence to the almighty vehicle.  In one situation, they were told to wave their hands and plead for their lives while Conky backs out of their driveway without checking his rearview mirror.  As with previous years, this year shaping up to be just as dangerous and detrimental to pedestrians in San Francisco at the hands of motorist behavior, it only makes sense to teach children the natural order of streets.

As Sandy dries her eyes she asks the instructor "Did I win the game?" to which the instructor replies, "Maybe you did Sandy... maybe..." Photo: Lea Suzuki, The Chronicle | Buy this photo

Kids will learn to be afraid and avoid getting in the way of cars up until they get to the age where their brains become wired and prone to reckless and risky behaviors, at which time they'll be given the opportunity to operate a vehicle themselves.  The hope is that they will remember their 'Get Out of The Damn Way' training.  Teens will understand the tables are finally turned and pedestrians will need to get the hell out of their way from now on.

The pressure is on for the SFPD to step up their enforcement of our streets to ensure they are safer. Citations have increased 54% citywide. They are targeting everyone from speeding cars, relatively quick bicyclists, and slow-ass pedestrians.  They've even issued a ticket out to the worst offenders of all, the elderly.

The man was hit by a car walking away from St. Mary's Cathedral on Geary Freeway/Boulevard on Sunday and was admitted to the hospital. The 86 year old suffered a compound fracture, but that wasn't enough.  He was issued a jaywalking ticket soon after he was admitted.  SFPD Spokesman said "he really should have been moving at a snails pace inside of crosswalk.  You know, that small stretch of painted street that keeps pedestrians safe until they magically turn back into car owned space once the pedestrian light stops flashing?"

The difference between safe legal walking and illegal and reckless crossing known as "Jaywalking" image found here.

While some "walk nuts" have argued that the burden should fall on people who choose to drive a 2 ton vehicle at a high velocity on city streets.  Others believe that even if 60% of the accidents are the result of motorist negligence, people like the elderly, children, bicyclists can be equally at fault to the eyes of the law.  "It's about enforcing the law, not just about public safety." tweeted a motorist speeding down Van Ness Avenue.

Get in the crosswalk if you're going to struck, idiots! Image found here.

A new Chicago Department of Transportation study shows that most pedestrian accidents occur in crosswalks. They happen even when the pedestrian has the right of way.  SFPD Spokesman said, "We really want to get the message out to people that they need to get struck inside the crosswalks and not outside of them. That's the best place to be, for, reasons."  The SFPD hopes these measures teach everyone in San Francisco a lesson, and not just the people who can inflict bodily injury and property damage.

As anyone who walks around San Francisco, you know that cars dominate the 40% of city designed to move and store vehicles, and that means we all need to work together.  So here's a tip on how to get along flawlessly with almighty vehicle.  Let's take a simple example. You're a worthless pedestrian approaching a 4-way stop and you're about to cross but a car is blocking your route.  You should: 1. Recognize that being a pedestrian inherently makes you wrong.

It's your fault you decided to use your legs like a sucker. Image found here.

Cars are bigger and faster and no matter how much you think you're right, you're wrong.  Let them figure out what's best. 2. Let the big shots pass. What are you going to do about it?  That's right weakling pedestrian, nothing. 3. Bow down and apologize profusely for even considering crossing the street before a car does.

Just a simple gesture will go a long way to making peace with a blessed vehicle blocking their crosswalk. Image found here. 

4. As the beautiful vehicle passes, wave and blow them kisses. Thank them for allowing you to even come near their vehicle unscathed.

We love you so much you blessed monsters! Image found here.  

In 2013, there was a near-record high of 21 pedestrian fatalities and 4 cyclist fatalities in San Francisco.  Mayor Lee announced his "Be Nice, Look Twice" campaign and he's received a lot of criticism for "pedestrian and cyclist blaming".  Shortly after, his advisers whipped up an equally worthy campaign, "Look Over Your Shoulder, and Carry a Boulder".

Preparing to walk through SF! image found here.

"We know that pedestrians are the most vulnerable to cars, but they need to understand that people need to get from point A to B as quickly as possible, and even though they're driving a 2 ton vehicle with the potential for a high velocity collision, the pedestrian can be just as much to blame." said Lee's spokesman. He followed up with, "Cars are responsible for 66% of the accidents in the city, and that's why we we're trying to equal the playing field with cars, and encourage pedestrians to carry a boulder whenever possible".

Pedestrian hiding behind a boulder for dear life. image found here

The boulder rules are similar to driving a car in the city.  As long as you don't intend on hurting anyone by carrying a boulder around, you won't be held accountable for any accidents.  Pedestrians are assured if they hurl a boulder into the middle of an intersection, so long as they weren't targeting anyone in particular it will be considered an inevitable fact of life in the city.

To counter "Critical Mass" (a rogue bike celebration that some bikers enjoy for a few hours during one day out of the month), an unknown transit avenger spearheaded "Critical Car Mass" hoping for the same kind of grass-roots effort and fun. Unfortunately, unlike "Critical Mass", hundreds of people were injured, cars sat idle for hours, and bikes and pedestrians were still able to get through all the clutter.  Also, people were confusing "Critical Car Mass" with what is commonly known as morning and evening rush hour gridlock.  Participants said they would try it again at the end of the month, when they finally get back to their houses.

DYFA Day in full swing!

It's that time of year again!  No, I'm not talking about "Take Your Idiotcycle to Work Day".  It's only a week away from "Drive Your Fat Ass to Work Day" where the city devotes an entire day to encouraging exclusive single vehicle ridership to work on the streets of San Francisco.

Getting ready for the Annual Drive!

On Thursday, May 16th the annual DYFA begins! San Franciscans are encourages to ditch their walking shoes, throw away their bikes, abandon public transit, and partake in the glory of personal vehicle dominance that has been enjoyed for over a century.  Everyone is welcome, from easily distracted and inexperienced youth, multiple DUI motorists, fender benders, speed demons, to unchecked elderly drivers!  Some sidewalks and the .5% of bicycle infrastructure in the city will be removed and modified to accommodate faster driving speeds and to more free subsidized lockers for cars.

Useless sidewalks become car lockers and extra drive-able space to allow a smooth commute to work.  

Gary Rigmore, advocate for DYFA, said, "People need to be reminded that motorists aren't like walkers or bikers.  We're not mildly annoying where we could bump into you, cause some minor scuffs, or suffer some collateral damage to ourselves in the process.  We are bigger, faster, indestructible  and can KILL you."  Gary's goal is to instill the kind of fear back into the minds of pedestrians and walkers that has been chipped away with bicycle lane and pedestrian safety improvements. The SFPD will help to block off sidewalk traffic and has sent fliers to SF residents to purchase, lease, rent or  borrow cars while the celebration takes place.  Carpooling is strongly discouraged and BART and MUNI will shut down entirely to encourage the combined million passengers to seek more independent modes of transportation.  SFPD has also been asked to be lax with speed limit enforcement, distracted drivers, and parking in bike lanes.  They assured the city that they're experts at this, with decades of topnotch experience uninforcing vehicle laws.

Sidewalks will be closed off to discourage walking and other pathetic modes of commuting. 

Fellow car advocate, blogger, and EIR molester, Bob Gunderson expressed elation. "Everyone knows I don't have to commute to a workplace, and I haven't driven a vehicle in decades, but this kind of car celebration reminds me of the way things used to be, and therefore always should be".  With tear-stained eyes,  Bob then scurried back into his house to resume his lifelong work as blogging shut-in. Local merchants, who typically rely on foot traffic for a size-able chuck of their income, will join in by offering donuts, 60 oz. drinks and hamburgers on the urban freeways.  Many of the them plan to wear brightly colored shirts to avoid a city mandated "don't stand your ground" law passed for the celebration. The ordinance fines walkers and cyclists if they get in the way of vehicles.  Fines will also double for pedestrians that are struck by a vehicle.

Donuts will be offered to motorists, and peds will be corralled in the background so motorists can enjoy eating and driving  to work with little pedestrian distraction.