Hey there! The wonderfully talented internetwashere composed and sang Golden based on All Was Golden in the Sky for this years Phandom Big Bang. Itâs absolutely amazing, Iâve been forcing my friends and family to listen and been playing it on loop. The words are perfect, but the melody and chords and everything else just make it so much better. If you havenât heard it yet you should definitely go give it a listen--I think I have a new favorite song and artist xx
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colors whirling, thoughts flashing-it felt as if the butterflies in his stomach had lit themselves on fire.
"you weren't supposed to find out..."
or, the one where Dan and Phil end up with superpowers, including the ability to feel each other's emotions and hear each other's thoughts, are declared threats and taken into custody by the government, Dan's confused, and Phil has a secret.
Word Count: 3111 for this chapter! (So Many in total)
  The world was ending.
  Perhaps it was a bit melodramatic, but thatâs what it felt like to Dan. His head pounded as he shakily sat up, the sound of fire enginesâ sirens on his street muted, as if the world had been muffled by cotton, or a thick blanket of fog. A sudden shock of anxiety raced through his heart, the worry and fear so intense it almost seemed to be a physical pain. He tried to breathe deeply, but it was as if he couldnât get enough oxygen into his lungs, causing him to wheeze in short, shallow gasps.
  What had just happened? Where was Phil?
  Dan stumbled to his feet, grabbing onto the side of his couch to pull himself up.
  âPhil?â His voice came out hoarse, croaky. He coughed roughly before trying his voice again. âPhil? Where are you?â He tried to remember what had been happening before this- he mustâve passed out, the last thing he could remember was getting up to get a drink. But why? Why couldnât he breathe? Where was Phil?
  Dan looked around frantically for his phone, the world seeming to blur around him. It was nowhere in sight.
  The apartment seemed hazy, filled with a kind of shimmer in the air, like one that might hang above a distant stretch of highway on a hot day, yet the air was cool around him. Had he hit his head? Was that what had knocked him out?
  Dan tried taking yet another deep breath to steady himself, choking a bit as he inhaled, quickly finding it harder and harder to breathe. He sunk to the floor once more, wheezing and coughing.
  He mustâve passed out again, because when he next opened his eyes, Phil was kneeling next to him, shaking him awake and tugging him weakly towards the door. Danâs ears were ringing now, a dull hum vibrating at the back of his skull. His heart pounded with it. Something about that struck him as wrong, but he didnât know why.
  Phil said something that Dan couldnât hear, and the humming grew louder. Phil tugged on his arm again, motioning for him to stay down. They slowly crawled to the door, keeping their heads down low to avoid the gas as much as possible.
  They made it to their front door after a treacherous climb down the stairs, tiredly fumbling with the handle until it opened and seeing that there were paramedics just outside, leading the other occupants of the building out to ambulances in small clusters, strapping oxygen masks over their faces.
  One of the nurses almost immediately came over to Dan and Phil, motioning for one of his colleagues to stay with the teenaged girl that he had previously been attending to. He talked to both of them with a calm, unshaken voice as he instructed them on what to do, and they were led out to the nearest ambulance.
  Red lights flashed across his vision and sirens screamed along to the hum in his head. It was all very disorientating, forcing Dan to squeeze his eyes shut for a moment in an attempt to alleviate his pounding headache. They were instructed to sit down while one of the paramedics gave them a brief check-over. He was kind, asking the two of them questions about their medical history, allergies, and current medications that their foggy brains did their best to answer.
  Ten minutes later, one of the paramedics told them that they ought to come to the hospital for further checks, to give an official account of what had happened to the police, and that they should start thinking about booking a hotel room for the night while the building was looked over.
  Dan was about to ask further questions about the hospital visit when he spotted a news van pulling up to the building and starting to unload camera equipment. Images of a Twitter meltdown over a news clip that made everything seem worse than it actually was flashed through his head, and he glanced over to Phil, who seemed to be thinking the same thing. Yes, they were fine, but would their subscribers know that, if all they saw was the two of them sitting in the back of an ambulance?
  âUh- yeah, should we just ride over to the hospital with the ambulances, or-â Dan asked quickly.
  âYes, weâre going to be leaving in just a few minutes. Thereâs a bench in the back, you two can ride in there. Iâll just be around the corner rounding up the rest of your neighbors to come with us, alright?â the nurse said tiredly, before hopping out and beginning to make her way around the parking lot.
  Dan leaned over to Phil. âIf that news camera sees us-â
  âYeah. Should we tweet something?â
  âMaybe we should wait a bit, I donât want to worry them too much.â
  Phil nodded, leaning back against the bench. âI dunno about you, but Iâve got a huge headache.â
  Dan made a noise of agreement, slumping down next to him while keeping an eye on the news van. âWhat the hell even was that, though? Do you think there was a fire?â
  âIt couldnât have been, thereâs no smoke,â Phil answered, gesturing to the clear sky above the building. âIt wasnât really hot inside, either.â
  âThen what could it have been?â
  Their conversation was cut short as a sniffling teenaged girl and an older couple who appeared to be her parents were led up to the ambulance.
  âWhat about Alex?â the girl was asking. âIs Alex okay? Heâs the little one in the wheelchair, my little brother, heâs only seven, please look after him first-â The paramedics shushed her with calming words, guiding her to sit down on the bench opposite Dan and Phil.
  âAlex is going to be coming to the hospital with everyone else, itâll be alright, love. Youâll get to see him in just a few minutes when we all arrive, alright? Whatâs your name, sweetheart? Iâll make sure that you get to see him as soon as possible.â
  âP-Paige. Paige Oliveira.â
  âItâll be alright, Paige. Just wait here, weâll be leaving in a moment.â With that, the ambulance doors shut and the tiny cabin was illuminated by bright strips of fluorescent lights in the ceiling. Paige started to sniffle again. Her fear seemed to hang in the air, pressing down on everyone in the cabin.
  Dan glanced over at Phil. âWeâll be alright,â he said, but it was admittedly more for his own comfort than anyone elseâs.
-=II=-
  The ambulance finally arrived in a whir of sirens and flashing lights. It seemed that the other vehicles were getting unloaded first, as the doors to their little cabin remained shut for a while after they had stopped. Paige had jumped up from her seat, pacing back and forth in the small space. Her mother made a few attempts to calm the anxious girl, muttering a few words to her in a language that sounded like French, if a little different, and pulling her daughter to sit back down again, stroking her thick black hair. Her father was leaned back across the bench, staring blankly into the wall beside Philâs shoulder.
  âHey, itâll be alright guys,â Dan said cautiously, trying to reassure the nervous duo across from him. They either didnât hear him or didnât care. Â
  Soon enough though, the doors swung open and they were greeted by a team of nurses swarming around the ambulance, leading them all out.
  Paige immediately started shouting at the top of her lungs. âIâm fine, I just need to find my brother, please, donât worry about me, I need to find Alex Ramirez, can anyone please tell me where he is?â Her father soon joined in the ruckus, and they were both escorted away by a nurse. Â
  Dan and Phil were lead into the hospital by a male nurse, who informed them that they were going to do a few simple tests to determine what had happened to the air in their building, what its effects might be, and how best to move forward. They were reassured that it shouldnât take more than two hours.
  âWhat about all of our things?â Dan said suddenly as they walked, âThe buildingâs going to be closed for the police, we donât have extra clothes or anything, and-â
  For a moment, Danâs head throbbed, and a wave of pity crashed over him. He shook his head and it was gone, leaving him confused. Who had he even been pitying? Himself?
  âI heard that itâll be about a week before they open the building back up,â the nurse replied, âIf you guys need anything, financial aid to cover the hotel or places where you can get cheap temporary clothes, I can ask around-â
  âThanks, but weâll figure something out,â Dan said a bit more sharply than he had intended.
  The nurse led them to a small room with a traditional-looking hospital bed, cabinets of medical equipment, and several ugly patterned chairs, instructing them to wait for another nurse, who would be administering the actual check-up, before stepping out.
  Phil buried his head in his hands as soon as he had collapsed into one of the chairs lining the edges of the room, sighing. âThis is a mess.â
  Dan laughed humorlessly. âYou could say that.â
  âWhat the hell are we going to do about Summer in the City in two days? We wonât have different clothes, all of our passes and things are back at the houseâŚâ
  âWeâll figure something out, yeah? Call the people who run it and explain whatâs happened, surely theyâll be able to do something? We can stop by a store somewhere and pick up some more clothes before then.â
  âAnd how long could we be stuck without our apartment for? All our filming equipment and our laptops are there- wait, did you get your phone on your way out?â
  Danâs eyes widened. âShit. No. But-â He scrambled for some positive way to spin this, some reassurance. âWeâll be fine, alright? We can figure it out.â He reached out and placed a hand on Philâs shoulder. He meant it as a comforting gesture, but it was one that turned sour as a strong wave of dizziness crashed over him. Suddenly, he was enveloped in a bright flash of colors- blue, red, purple, orange, forming fleeting images that disappeared before he could grasp what they actually were.  A heavy weight, a dense cloud seemed to condense around his head, pelting him with raindrops of worries he wasnât sure were entirely his, thoughts and confusion and anxiety bouncing around his brain like a rubber ball dropped from a tall building. Most oddly, these thoughts seemed to be in a voice not his own, but one resembling Philâs. He jerked away, wide-eyed, his expression mirrored in the face of his friend. Did Phil feel that too? Was Dan going crazy?
  âWhat the-â Dan was cut off by a tap on the door followed by it slowly creaking open, startling them. A new nurse walked in, hair pulled back into a high blonde ponytail and a soft smile on her face as she pushed a small cart of equipment into the room. She introduced herself as Amy, explaining the sorts of things she would be checking for- a breath analysis, blood analysis, and their vitals.
  âShall we start with you, then?â She gestured to Phil, who happened to be closer to the door.
  Phil agreed after a momentâs hesitation, confusion from the previous events still evident on his face, leading the nurse to ask if he had any questions. (Both Dan and Phil certainly did, though almost absolutely not any she would be able to answer.) Those thoughts Dan had heard, they definitely werenât his own. Phil winced as Amy took a blood sample, determinedly looking away from the needle and towards the wall. She had him take a deep breath and blow into a tube, then taking his blood pressure and asking a few questions about possible symptoms he had been feeling in the past hour or so.
  Amy repeated the process with Dan, who was avoiding eye contact with Phil, still reeling in shock.
  She finished her work deftly, straightening up after she took down a final bit of information on her laptop.âWell, Iâm going to send this off, I have a few forms I need you guys to fill out with contact information for when your results come in and in case the police have any questions for you,â She smiled, pulling two clipboards from her cart and handing them over.
  They took the boards blankly, picking up the pens attached and beginning to write. âYou guys can leave whenever youâre done, just drop those off at the front desk when you do!â Amy said before wheeling her cart back out of the room, presumably moving on to the next one.
  For the next ten minutes, the two filled out their information in silence.
-=II=-
  Dan and Phil arrived at their nearest hotel at about nine. It was sort of a 3-star place, but would suffice for a few nights. They didnât exactly have any baggage, so they settled down on the two queen beds instead of unpacking. They hadnât spoken about what had happened in the hospital yet, less because of shame and fear and more due to a lack of knowing what to say at all. Dan flipped the TV on to some shitty reality show and they watched it absent-mindedly for a while, before Phil cautiously spoke.
  âWhat was that, back there?â
  Dan rolled over onto his side to face his friend. âIt wasnât just me, then.â
  âLike⌠the flashing pictures and crazy colors and emotions thing? Yeah.â
  âYeah.â A short pause ensued.
  âDâyou reckon weâre getting superpowers now?â Phil mused, only partly joking.
  Dan snorted, burying his face in a pillow.
  âNo, really though! If you can come up with a better explanation, Iâd honestly love to hear it.â
  Dan didnât respond for a while. âI-â He paused again. âThis is ridiculous.â
  âWeâre literally becoming superheroes because of a mysterious gas in our apartment. Ridiculous is an understatement.â
  âSubstitute radiation for âweird gasâ, and weâre like Spider-man!â
  âOr the Hulk,â Dan muttered darkly.
  Silence fell once again at that, the negative implications of this beginning to sink in as their disbelief faded.
  âWhat if it was just a one-time thing? A freak accident, or weâre on drugs and none of this is real, something like that?â Dan asked.
  âDunno. We could try to do it again, what made it happen the first time?â
  âWell, I was reaching over to you, trying to get you to quit freaking out?â
  Dan sat up on the bed, feeling a sort of warm pressure on the backs of his shoulders. It was like a tiny push, an intense curiosity he couldnât make sense of, for some reason. He reached out to Phil and gently placed a hand on his arm-
  Immediately, the edges of his vision were flooded with the same colors and images as before, still to vague and quickly flashing to fully make out, (He was standing on the ledge of Phil's back garden wall, toes hanging over the edge.) and his brain echoing with thought. (Phil stood behind him, holding up the camcorder with a shy smile. "Come on, just this last clip for the presents part, then we can go in and warm up for a bit.â) More of that curious warm sensation he had felt was moving from his shoulders to gather around his jaw and throat. (The curious, anxious feeling curled around his throat like a scarf as his toes dangled off the wall and Phil recited the lines heâd come up with.) The colors faded after a short while and Dan began to feel dizzy, but he kept a firm hand on Phil and stared straight into his friendâs eyes. He could make out parts of individual thoughts now.
  âFeels like⌠afraidâŚâ
  âSpider-manâŚâ
  âDan⌠tight gripâ
  (Dan fell face first into the snow.)
  Dan realized how tightly he was grabbing at Philâs upper arm and dropped it like he had been burned. A wave of vertigo rushed over him, and he sat back on the edge of his bed to wait for it to go away. Phil sighed heavily beside him.
  âThat was-â Dan started, before realizing he didnât know how that sentence might end. Of all the words in the English language, he couldnât find one to describe what had just happened.
  âYeah.â
  The two sat quietly, TV droning softly on in the background, in the way only friends as close as they were could. The quiet wasnât awkward or tense, merely an understanding that neither knew quite what to say yet, and that for now, lack of communication was okay.
  âSo it wasnât a one-time thing, then.â
  âApparently not.â
  âWhat does it feel like to you?â Phil asked, cocking his head slightly to one side. Curiosity tugged at Danâs shoulder blades again.
  âLike⌠a rush of colors, at first. Then I get really dizzy, like Iâm about to fall over. But then it clears- no, lightens up a bit. I feel all sorts of emotions, but in a way thatâs almost physical? Then I was able to hear parts of your actual thoughts, you thought I was holding onto your arm too tight or something, so thatâs why I jumped away so suddenly.â
  Philâs eyebrows knit together. âI get a lot of that too, the dizziness and colors. The physical emotions thing as well, the first time it felt like it was sort of covering me up, like a blanket or something. Just now, it was more like it was pushing me.â
  âI got that last one too. The first one was more like⌠I dunno really how to describe it, like a sort of weight pushing down around my head? I think that one was worry, you were thinking about our house being filmed and stuff. And the one from just now, curiosity or something? It sort of feels like I can still feel it now, even though weâre not touching.â
  âBoth of those sound about right, but I definitely canât feel anything now. What about the other times? Can you just do it with anyone around?â Phil paused, then dropped his head to his hands. âThis is so weird.â
  âI dunno. This whole thing just feels like a dream.â
  âI am a bit tired.â
  âMaybe if we go to sleep, everything will be normal again?â
Summary:Â Dan and Phil are the heirs of Enigmaity and Illumination, two kingdoms at war for longer than anyone can remember. Magical attacks neither light nor dark have been destroying both worlds, leaving nothing behind except a bright red balloon. Phil is forced to flee and asks for Dan's help, but alliances aren't so easily kept and promises are quick to be broken. With the moon and sun at war, sunset is fast approaching and all they can do is hope.
A/N: A million kudos to my beta for fixing every typo (of which there were many) and patching up the plot holes. Whenever I felt unmotivated you messaged me asking if there was anything you could to to help and offered encouragement, which fought off the procrastination and made me feel inspired again. Thank you to my artist for helping me with my plot when I backed myself into a corner and planning our escape to Canada. I never wouldâve been able to finish if it hadnât been for your help.
tw; death, violence, torture
Word Count: 19213
Golden (original song by internetwashere)
First Part from last PBB
Glossary:
Enigmaity - The world of darkness and shadows; Danâs home.
Illumination - The opposing world of light; Philâs home.
Iniquiter - People from Enigmaity
Illuminator - People from Illumination
    The balloon hung suspended in the air, red as the crimson of blood and just as unwanted. The ground was black, charred remains of roads and grass crunching under each step. The village was abandoned, houses burnt and inhabitants vanished. Everything was black, save for the bright red balloon.
    Phil Lester sucked in his upper lip, tipping his head towards the sky. His fists balled at his sides, and a frown creased his forehead. Illumination was the world of light and home to the Illuminators, those who had the power of light magic amongst other things. Given that, the sky of Illumination was always lit up. During the day it was by the sun, and by night it was the full moon. The sky had been created by magic a long time ago, and nothing bad ever managed to dim its light.
    Nothing until now.
    As he watched a black spot danced across the surface of the sun, growing bigger and bigger by the moment. A shadow descended over the ruined village, making his surroundings glow with a light heâd only seen once before; long ago in another kingdom far away. Panic began to knot his gut, his hands curling into fists at his sides.
    While Phil was well aware everyone else would pin the blame on the Iniquiters, he was skeptical. After having spent time with Dan, he doubted their magic was powerful enough to do something like this. In all the reading heâd done heâd never heard of anything that could black out the sun.
    âYour Highness?â
   âYes?â Phil tore his gaze away from the sky, leveling it at his guard. Alaric had been a soldier for longer than he could remember, serving the kingdom like his father and his father before that.
    âPerhaps we--you should consider returning to the manor. Somethingâs wrong with the sun.â
    âSo I can see,â Phil said not unkindly. âDon't worry, weâre safe. For now.â The words were empty, a meaningless promise he had no idea if he could keep, but Alaric seemed satisfied. âYou're right in that we should return to the manor, however.â
     He turned to face the rest of the guards. âWe will report back to my parents immediately.â
    âDo you want the balloon?â
   âLeave it.â Phil started walking, rightly assuming that the others would follow. âWe have enough back home.â
     The castle had an entire room dedicated to the balloons, bouncing off of ceilings and knocking against the windows. For the first two hundred attacks, the guards had rounded up the balloons and brought them back for inspection. By the thousandth attack, Phil had stopped bothering. The inspection had never yielded anything useful, and the best anyone could figure was that it was the attackerâs signature.
     The King and Queen stood at the entrance of the room, concern creasing their brows. Phil couldnât help but feel on display under their gazes, and his fingers knot and unknot behind his back. They might be his parents, but when it came to the kingdom it was impossible to seem them as anything other than Illuminators rulers. âThe village was destroyed. The remains were nearly identical to the other ruins.â
    âThe stench of Iniquiters couldn't be more obvious,â his father snarled, anger stealing over his expression and wiping it clean of anything else. âWe cannot allow them to walk over us in this manner.â
    âI'm not sure if it is the Iniquiters,â Phil said cautiously. âThere's also the matter of the sun, and I don't believe they're capable of such magic.â
    âNo disrespect meant,â his mum began. âBut you're hardly the authority on their powers. There's much we don't know about them, and this certainly seems a level of cruelty they would stoop to.â
    âBut last year when I was with Dan--â Phil stopped, words catching in his throat at the glare from his father. A year ago Phil had struck up an alliance with the heir of Enigmaity and his sworn enemy, Dan Howell. The two had eventually become friends, and Dan had saved his life in a fire that nearly killed them both.
    Phil had broken him out of the palace dungeons and sent him back to Enigmaity, and though no one had ever been able to prove his involvement heâd been under watch ever since. He had admitted that he and Dan had become allies and that he owed the Iniquiter his life, but heâd claimed it was to defeat a âgreater evilâ and omitted the greater details of their relationships. Including the kiss. Especially the kiss.
    It was still a sore topic amongst him and his parents, though, and most of the time they pretended it had never happened.
     âYour...uh hem--unfortunate encounter with that abomination isn't exactly a good basis for information. There's every likelihood he was lying to you about the extent of his magic,â his mum said, somehow still managing to sound elegant with words like âabomination.â
    Phil's first instinct was to protest, to argue that the only magic heâd witnessed of this magnitude was the arsonist whoâd tried to kill him, but instead he bowed his head and nodded. Questioning his parents never ended in anything good. âOf course mother,â he said. âAs usual, you're right. What do you suggest we do next?â
     âWe double the guard around our borders. Send more men to earth. Any Iniquiter spotted is killed on sight, and if the royal family is found theyâre to be brought in for questioning,â his father said. âAlive, but not necessarily unharmed.â His eyes glittered with something cold and hard, and though the thoughts are traitorous and it's not his place concern for Dan flickered in Philâs mind.
    âAnd you,â the Queen turned to Phil, gaze unwavering. âAre not to go anywhere without being accompanied by Alaric and at least three of his most trusted.â
    Philâs mouth fell open. âBut mum--â
   âYou are crown prince, Philip,â his mother continued. âStop acting like a petulant child. The future of Earth and Illumination depend on your safety and wellbeing, and no matter how many temper tantrums you throw that is not going to change. Do you understand?â Her voice dropped in volume, a gentler tone stealing some of the hardness from her words. âYouâre my son, and if something were to happen to you.â The sentence cut off abruptly, but the point was still clear.
    âYes, mum,â Phil said quietly. It was hard enough seeing his parents as anything other than the King and Queen, but sometimes he forgot they were human, too.
 âŚ
     Chris Kendall was the son of his motherâs lady - in - waiting. He and Phil had been born only months apart, and throughout the years they'd all but grown up together. For the past year they'd taken to sparring with each other--no magic, just swords. Currently, the two were engaged in a record breaking fight: going on four and a half hours.
     A match of which Phil was currently losing. âFight me,â he said sarcastically, blocking another attack.
     Chris raised an eyebrow. âBit redundant, isn't it? Seeing how that's what weâre doing already?â Phil grunted, unable to think of a witty retort and unwilling to waste the breath. âCat got your tongue?â Chris smiled, guard relaxing unconsciously. It was only for a fraction of a second, but that's all Phil needed.
    Philâs sword tapped Chrisâs chest as the other boyâs weapon clattered to the floor. âYou talk too much,â he said. It wasnât intended to be accusatory, merely an admission of truth, and thankfully Chris took it as such.
    âProbably,â he shrugged, a sheepish grin splitting his face. âI've been told it's endearing, however.â
    âIt's going to get you killed someday.â
    âBetter to go out with a âfuck youâ then no âfuck youâ at all.â Chris unceremoniously kicked his sword in the general direction of its sheath, collapsing in a sweaty heap. âI'm done.â
    Phil should probably be on the ground beside him, winded and exhausted, but instead all he feels is irritated and like a coil wound too tightly. âOne more?â
     âNo.â Chris shook his head. âI'm too tired. Tomorrow, maybe.â
     âSuit yourself.â Phil flicked his wrist, and his sword vanished. While Chris preferred to use the swords provided by the training room, Phil liked to make his own. He'd had enough practice fashioning weapons out of light that he could do it in his sleep, and they tended to suit him better than those made by someone else.
     Chris frowned. âWho stuck a stick up your ass?â
    âNothing. No one. Shut up.â
    Chris had his high points, and the ability to drop a subject and move on was one of Philâs favorites. âYou doing anything for the holidays?â
    Illumination and Enigmaity were two worlds separate from Earth but assigned to be its guardians. Though most Illuminators weren't religious, Christmas was a holiday they'd picked up from the humans and adapted as their own. Less Christ, more alcohol and gift giving. His parents used to insist on throwing a ball each year in celebration, but given the stress everyone was under Phil wasnât sure if that was going to happen this year.
     âI don't know yet. Nothing, probably. You?â
    âA few of us were thinking about going out,â Chris said.
    Phil eyed him suspiciously. âSarah?â Chris had had a crush on Sarah Anderson for the past three years, but heâd had yet to ask her out.
    Chrisâs answered with a sly smile âMaybe. You should come with us.â
    âWhose house is it at?â
   The smile vanished. Chris rubbed the back of his neck, looking sheepish. âUm...actually, itâs a party down on Earth. So.â
     Phil stiffened, eyes narrowing dangerously. âChris--â
    âI know, I know, âdangerous timesâ and âillegalâ and âill advisedâ and âblah blah, royal duties.ââ Chris rolled his eyes, releasing a sigh. âI donât know mate, Iâm tired of all this secrecy and Iniquiter crap. Itâs Christmas, God forbid I want to have fun for a few hours. Weâll be in and out before anyone notices. You canât tell me that doesnât sound better than rotting away in here and stewing in your own juices.â
     Phil could feel his resolve start to crumble.  âIn and out?â
    âIn and out.â
     He sighed, running a hand through his hair in defeat. âFine. Where are we meeting?â Chrisâs smile was impish, and despite himself Phil felt the faintest hint of excitement. It was only for one night, a few hours at the most, and Illumination was heavily guarded and had the King and Queen at attention. What was the worst that could happen?
 âŚ
     Phil stood in front of his mirror, fiddling with the tie around his neck. With his pressed slacks, collared shirt, tie, and overcoat, he was afraid he was overdressed. Then again, it was Christmas, so surely humans were dressier than usual, right? Blending in was essential; the number one rule of Illumination (aside from killing any Iniquiter in sight) was to never give humanity any reason to suggest they were anything but.
    Chris barged into his room, wearing a tie and button up shirt of his own. The effect was somewhat undermined by the hideous, bright pink jumper that was three sizes too big. Orange snowflakes patterned the front, and at the bush of a button colored fairy lights began to flash. He waggled his eyebrows at Phil. âWhat do you think?â
     âThis is your idea of blending in?â
    Chris grinned. âYou think itâll grab Sarahâs attention?â
    âThatâs not the only thing itâll grab,â Phil muttered, slipping on his shoes. He held out his arms, spinning in a mocking imitation of a human celebrity. âThoughts?â
     Chris eyed him up and down, whistling. âStunning Philip, simply stunning,â he deadpanned. He slung an arm around Philâs shoulder, ruffling his hair. âSeriously, you look fine. No one would ever be able to tell the difference between you and some human schmuck. The ladies will be throwing themselves at your feet. Or men if youâd prefer.â
    Phil pushed him away, trying in vain to salvage his hair. âI hate you.â He followed Chris down the stairs and towards the shed out back. In an attempt to avoid suspicion, he, Chris, Sarah, James, Lucy, and Beth had agreed on a meeting place and left Illumination in pairs throughout the day. He and Chris were the last two to leave, and as they neared the portal he could make out the figure of two guards. Phil straightened his spine, holding his chin up high and making his strides as confident as he could.
     âWe require temporary passage out of the kingdom,â he said calmly, meeting the eyes of one of the guards, a woman named Alex. She was junior only to Alaric, Phil, and his parents, the dark blue belt signifying her rank.
    âYour highness,â she said, inclining her head. âFor what purpose?â
    âMy mother and father requested that I deliver a message to our embassy stationed on Earth,â Phil answered. âChris is attending me as further protection.â
    âWhatâs the message?â
    Phil smiled, tight and thin lipped. âThat information is confidential. You would need to ask the King or Queen. Theyâre in a council meeting,â he added. She squinted up at him, knuckles white on the hilt of her sword. She couldnât seem to find anything wrong with his request, and finally she stepped aside. Phil murmured his thanks, stepping into the wall and vanishing. There was the moment of disorientation he always associated with portal travel, and he snapped his fingers. A flame danced to life, flickering on the tops of his fingers and lighting the passageway.
    Chris stepped up to stand beside him, pointing. âTake the normal route to Earth, I'll show you where to go once we get there.â
    Phil nodded, free hand instinctively hovering over his knives as they walked. Time was always warped during portal travel. Journeys that seemed like hours took seconds, and seconds can take days. There was a popular fairytale about a man whoâd gone mad trying to find his way home. Getting lost had never been a fear of his, heâd grown up roaming the portals, but it was still disconcerting to emerge at your destination and realize only seconds had passed. Their exit loomed ahead, the flashing lights looking more like a rave and less like a Christmas party. Then again, maybe they were the same thing.
    Chris clapped him on the back. âThe punch is almost definitely spiked, if youâre going to go for alcohol find a beer. Donât do anything I wouldnât.â
    âI left my ugly jumper at home, sorry.â Chrisâs jumper was already starting to attract some odd looks, and he hadnât even broken out the flashing lights.
    The boy looked mildly affronted. âTry and have some fun, yeah?â
    âI always have fun.â
   âIf you consider studying and constant training fun.â
    Phil rolled his eyes. He caught sight of black, glistening hair pulled into a bun. The girl was unmistakably Sarah, her silver dress blending in far better than Chrisâs attire. He shoved Chris in her direction. âIâll be fine.â He leaned against the wall, finding that he was absentmindedly biting his thumbnail. If he was going to risk getting in trouble, a party wouldnât be the first thing heâd sneak off to, but the various Illuminators positioned around the room seemed to be enjoying themselves. A blonde haired girl gave him a warm smile as she passed, and Phil returned it briefly. Might as well try and make some new acquaintances, new connections never hurt.
    He wasted a few hours seeing how many chocolates he could fit in his mouth at one point in time. (The record was twelve so far.) Chris gave him a few updates every now and then, and occasionally one of the other Illuminators would engage him in conversation, but for the most part he tried to blend into the wall. He collapsed into one of the chairs, checking his watch. One more hour and he was free.
    âDonât look now, but thereâs mistletoe overhead.â The words were dry, the voice familiar and instantly recognizable.
    Phil stiffened, turning to face the smile of PJ Liguori. âWhat are you doing here?â This wasnât the first time heâd run into the Iniquiter, but their encounters tended to happen at the most unexpected times. He knew PJâs presence should be a cause of alarm, an immediate evacuation and capture to follow, but nothing had ever come of their meetings and PJ had never struck him as being particularly threatening. PJ was a friend of Danâs from Enigmaity, and had helped Phil break Dan out of the dungeons last year.
    âItâs Christmas,â PJ said. âIâm planning on consuming copious amounts of alcohol until I forget about the paperwork I have left to file. You donât have to kiss me by the way, donât worry. I think a certain friend of mine wouldnât like it very much if we did.â
    âAre you here alone?â Phil asked, ignoring PJâs second statement.
    âYou mean is Dan here? No. Now that heâs for all intents and purposes the King, heâs usually too busy for things like this.â
    The twinge of disappointment Phil feels is unrelated. âI take it the Queen is still missing?â
    PJ nodded. âWeâve been getting by. Danâs held it together surprisingly well.â
    âIâm not surprised,â Phil said. He wasnât sure why he was jumping to Danâs defense, and the knowing smirk PJ sent his way didnât help.
    âI think heâs given up at this point,â PJ confessed. âItâs been ages since heâs slept through the night, and some of the council members are giving him hell. I think heâs afraid the kingdom is going to stage a full on rebellion.â
    âIs that likely to happen?â
    PJ shrugged. âDan thinks so. Itâs driving him a little mad.â
    âI thought you said he was holding it together.â
   ââSurprisingly wellâ doesnât necessarily mean âwell.â This is Dan.â
    âLet me know if--â Phil frowned, clamping his lips shut and biting the words back.
    âIf you can help?â PJâs eyes held a glimmer of pity. They both knew that if anyone found out about their friendship execution would be the penalty for their treason. That didnât mean Phil had to like it, though. âIâll tell him. What about you? How're you holding up?â
    âFine,â Phil said. âStressed, but that's normal given my parents. You?â
    âThings are less than ideal,â PJ said, expression grim. âEveryoneâs under a lot of stress but weâll survive. Always have.â
    âDon't jinx it,â Phil said. âKnock on wood.â PJ reached behind him and rapped the wall with his knuckles.
    This was typically as deep as their conversations went: making sure the other was still alive, the kingdoms hadnât collapsed, and Dan was mostly functional.
    Someone tapped Phil on the shoulder, Chris stepping into his line of vision. âWeâre getting ready to leave soon and--â he stopped mid sentence, surveying PJ curiously. âWhoâs this?â
    âJimmy,â PJ said smoothly, shaking Chrisâs hand. âNice to meet you.â
    âChris. Do you two know each other?â
    âWe go way back,â PJ said, smiling innocently. He inclined his head in Philâs direction. âIt was good seeing you Phil. Chris.â  It was likely his imagination, but as PJ walked away it looked as though the shadows rose to swallow him whole.
     âHow come weâve never met before?â Chris asked.
     âHuman friend,â Phil said vaguely. âYou know how it is. Are we leaving?â
    âYou are. With Beth.â
    âWould I be correct in assuming youâre leaving with Sarah?â
    âYou would. Are.â Chris was bouncing on the soles of his feet, beaming.
    Phil smiled. It seemed like happiness was a rare emotion these days, and it was refreshing to see his friend so excited. âIâll see you back home.â
 âŚ
     Illumination was overflowing with chaos. By the time Phil had found Beth, Chris and Sarah were leaving, and the four had decided to travel together. It could trigger some awkward questions, but the alternative was returning even later and sparking panic. The foursome stepped out to find the world in flames.
    The castle was burning, fire dancing up and down the walls. The council stood outside, hands outstretched and brows laced with sweat. They didn't seem to be having any effect on the fire, though. A hand clapped Phil on the shoulder, and he spun to find Alaric standing with his sword drawn. His brow was furrowed, frown deepening.
     âWhat happened?â Phil asked, voice escalating. He flattened his palms against his trousers, an unsuccessful attempt to stop their trembling. âMy parents, are they alright? I need to speak with them.â
     Sympathy replaced Alaricâs frown, and something sank in the pit of Philâs stomach. âI'm sorry.â
    Chris startled, eyes widening. âThey arenât--â
    âIâm afraid we donât know,â Alaric said grimly. âThe fire wonât go out.â Sarah reached for Chrisâs arm, and if the circumstances had been any different Phil wouldâve ribbed him mercilessly. With every new piece of information, Phil felt his world crumble a little more. The whole affair, black fire, mass panic, and absent parents were a repeat of the events a year ago. The only thing missing was Dan. And this time his parents were actually missing, not just bad at parenting.
    Phil straightened, allowing his training to kick in and assuming the guise of princely control as he as he could. âThe fire is a lost cause for the moment,â he said. âGather the remaining council members and tell them to meet me in the library.â
    âWonât it continue to spread?â Beth asked. She appeared to be the calmest out of the lot of them, and Phil briefly entertained the idea of putting her in charge instead.
    âNot as quickly as normal fire,â Phil said. âLast time it seemed to mostly stay contained within the castle.â
    âHow did you put it out then?â Sarah asked. Her knuckles were white where they gripped Chris.
    Phil hesitated. âPainfully,â he said finally. He and Dan had barely managed to extinguish it together, and that was using both Illuminator and Iniquiter magic. âIâll take a look at it once everyone is out of the way. I may be able to utilize some of the same techniques I did previously.â Itâs bullshit--he has no hope of success and a mass evacuation to Earth is probably in order, but everyone else seems to buy it and thatâs all that matters. Alaric nodded, disappearing into the crowd.
    Chris turned toward Phil expectantly. âWhat can we do to help?â
    âNothing,â Phil said firmly. The last thing he needed was for Chris, Beth, and Sarah to end up dead too. âGo with Alaric. I'm appointing you ruler in my absence.â
    For once, the boy looked lost for words. âWait--seriously?â
    âThe council might put up a fuss, but I'm crown prince and there's no one I trust more.â
    âBesides, it's not like it's permanent. You'll be back after the fireâs out, right Phil?â Phil was silent. Chrisâs eyes narrowed. âRight Phil?â
    âOf course.â Looking mollified, Chris nodded and followed Sarah and Beth towards the library.
    Phil watched them leave, fingers curling and uncurling at his sides. He approached the castle, reaching for the flames. Dan had absorbed the fire and gave it a new target. The effort had nearly killed him, and Philâs best guess was to try something similar.
    The embers were freezing, radiating a burning cold that he felt all the way up his arm. He closed his eyes, inhaling. His left hand clenched into a fist, the flames dancing up his arm and sinking into his bones. Startled shouts almost broke his concentration, and he cracked open an eyelid.
    The fire was almost gone, the remainder disappearing into his hand. Everything was cold, Philâs arm feeling less like an arm and more like an ice cube. He gritted his teeth, doubling over as the last of the flame dissipated. He wrapped an arm around his stomach; a pitiful attempt at staying warm.
    The only thing he could think was heat. Fire sparked to life, spreading across his clothes and falling to the ground. It was a different kind of fire, though, Illuminator fire, and as Phil sank down into the center of it he felt the cold begin to melt.
    His shirt was slightly singed, and he rubbed a shard of ice out of the corner of his eye. He stumbled to his feet, pressing a hand to his forehead. He had no idea how he'd managed to do it, but somehow he'd extinguished the fire without dying or even passing out. While it was possible his powers had grown some over the past year, there was no way they could've increased this much by any natural means.
    âYour highness?â
    Phil forced his posture to stiffen, chin high as he faced Alaric. âYes?â
    âIs everything alright?â The guard had a look of deep concern, hand hovering over his sword as if the threat was something he could vanquish with force.
     âYes,â Phil said, because somehow everything was. âIs the council ready?â Alaric nodded. Phil sighed, blinking away the black spots flickering behind his eyelids. âBest not keep them waiting,â he said. âPatience never was their strong suit.â
 âŚ
     Phil hated waiting. The castle was still being repaired, so meetings had to be held in the library. Heâd been locked inside for the past week, debating the legality of his leadership and the next steps to finding his parents.
    When he was younger he'd thought being King would mean doing whatever he wanted, sleeping in, and practicing with his favorite sword every day. Past Phil had chosen to ignore the less exciting parts of kingship like meetings and waiting for the verdict of the council.
    The biggest issue seemed to be whether he was qualified to rule Illumination while the King and Queen were missing. Phil was less than a year underage, which some argued made him ineligible and others said was close enough.
    From what PJ had told him, appointing Dan as Enigmaityâs King hadn't been much of a struggle. Phil only wished Illuminationâs decision was so quick. They were wasting time they could be using to find his parents. Personally, he felt like he was the most capable out of any of the other candidates; he had been training for it his whole life.
    The council had kicked Phil outside to wait while they came to a consensus. He'd been waiting for wait seemed like hours, and all heâd gotten was radio silence.
    âAny luck?â The question came out of nowhere, and only his training stopped Phil from jumping out of his skin. Chris had a habit of appearing out of thin air, and more than once Phil had threatened to put a bell on him.
    âNothing yet. I'm going to try and interpret that as a positive sign.â
    âCheer up,â Chris said. âTheyâd be stupid not to let you rule, you're our prince. Who could possibly be more prepared than you?â
    âAlaric maybe,â Phil said. âHeâs been dealing with this stuff for decades. Or Alex if he refused.â
    âWhy would he?â Chrisâs question was rhetorical, but Phil answered regardless.
    âI can think of several reasons.â
    âStill, they'll make the right choice. I know it.â Chris seemed strangely confident, a knowing smirk hovering around the corners of his mouth.
    Phil leveled a glare at the Illuminator. âWhat did you do?â
    âWho says I did anything?â
    âI did.â
    âI'm not saying I did, but I might have possibly bugged Jefferson?â
   âChris!â
    âHypothetically!â Chris backpedaled. âI've never been caught before.â
    âBefore?â
    âYou didn't hear anything.â
    Phil sighed, running a hand through his hair. He wasn't really surprised, Chris was infamous for his pranks and knowing things he wasn't supposed to. âWhat are they saying?â he asked grudgingly.
    Chris fished around in his pocket, pulling out a lone earbud. âHear for yourself.â
    The voices were surprisingly clear.
    âThis isn't even a question! Philip is the last Lester and should be allowed to rule his familyâs kingdom.â
    âHeâs underage!â
    âBy a few months. Heâll have Alaric, Alex, and the council by his side. By appointing another ruler, even temporarily, it gives grounds for someone to challenge Philip for the crown when he does turn eighteen. Heâs proven himself to be a good, selfless Illuminator more than once.â
    âWhat about Daniel?â At the council memberâs question, Phil felt Chris tense beside him. He ignored the questioning look from his friend.
    âWhat about him?â
    âThey say that he and Philip are lovers.â Phil choked on his own spit.
     âThey say. I say differently. There's no proof to that rumor.â
    âAll in favor of Philip Lester claiming the throne and ruling Illumination say âaye.ââ
    A resounding âayeâ from the council members, then âWho wants to tell our new King the good news?â
    Phil yanked the earbud out, dropping it to the ground and crushing it under his boot. Chris gave him a wounded look, bending down to pick up the pieces.
   âThanks mate.â
    âSorry.â
    âYou don't seem happy,â Chris noted.
    âIâm over the goddamn moon,â Phil said sarcastically. âExcept that everyone apparently thinks I'm fucking an Iniquiter, Dan Howell no less, and I might have a full scale rebellion on my hands!â
     âYou good?â
    Phil took a deep breath. âNo,â
    Chris smiled sympathetically. âFor what it's worth, I don't think you're screwing Dan. If anyone tries to assassinate you I'll eviscerate them.â
     âThanks Chris.â
     The boy shrugged. âYou know how stupid I've always thought this whole âIlluminator against Iniquiterâ business is. I'll gladly serve you.â He gave a bow that was a little too deep tipping an invisible hat.
    âYou may rise Sir Kendall,â Phil said grandly, his laugher somewhat ruining the effect. âKnight of Illumination.â
    A rebellion against Illuminatorâs royal family hadn't happened for centuries, and it had been the Lesters that had emerged as the new monarchs. Phil only hoped that would prove to be the case if history was doomed to repeat itself.
 âŚ
     The bells were ringing. They were used as an alarm system, a call to arms during a time of danger. Shouts echoed through the manor as the Illuminators redied their weapons. Phil summoned his knives, peaking around the corner of his room. There was only one likely cause for their sounding, and that was the people staging a revolt.
    Alaric raced past him, sword already drawn. âStay in your room, your majesty.â
    âWhat's going on?â Phil asked.
     Alaric grimaced. âSome of the Illuminators believe that they would make better rulers than you.â
    âWhat do you think?â Alaric was the best swordsman out of anyone in the kingdom, if he tried to attack Phil he wasn't sure he stood a chance.
   âI serve the crown,â Alaric said, bowing his head. âAnd I serve its rightful monarchs, your family.â
    Phil smiled. âWeâre lucky to have you. Stay safe.â Â
    âAnd you as well.â Alaric returned the smile before turning and disappearing outside. Phil waited until he was out of sight before following.
    Outside the mob was locked in combat with those who were loyal to him. He was pleasantly surprised to see that most of the palace guards were fighting in his defense.
     He spotted Chris a few meters away, engaged in combat with a farmer he vaguely remembered seeing at the last market. Phil ran down the steps and plunged into the foray, knocking the farmer out cold.
     Chris looked disgruntled. âI had it covered,â he grumbled. Phil opened his mouth to reply, but a yell cut through the din.
   âThere he is!â
   Chris snarled, sweeping his sword in a wide arc. A few Illuminators jumped back, but not nearly enough.
    âYou're no more our King than I am!â
    âTraitor!â
    âFilthy Inquiter lover!â
    Magic surged through Phil, flooded with adrenaline. He had felt power before, but it was nothing compared to this. Fire raged and people collapsed with a snap of his fingers. He tried not to kill anyone, knocking them unconscious instead, but it took twice as long as there were so annoy of them.
    A bullet soared out of the crowd, aimed directly at his heart. Instinctively, Phil threw his arms up to shield himself.
    The effect was instantaneous. A wave of magic ripped through the crowd, knocking buildings down and ripping tree from their roots. Without thinking, Phil lunged for Chris, knocking him down and covering his body as best as he could. All around them Illuminators were blasted backwards, screams for help blanketing the air.
     A bright flash struck the kingdom, a sonic boom crashing through the forest. Phil squeezed his eyes shut, hoping Chris was doing the same. There was deafening silence in itâs wake, and Phil was afraid to look.
    Dread warred with apprehension, and he opened his eyes. Corpses lay scattered over the courtyard, blood still pooling around their forms. The combination of light, sound and magic had mutilated their bodies into a distorted imitation of human flesh, the sort of mishapen drawing a three year old would make.
    Phil pressed a shaking hand to his mouth, stumbling to his feet. Alaric lay beside him, sword still in his hand. He dropped to his knees and pressed a hand to Alaricâs pulse. Nothing. He moved back towards Chris, sending a silent prayer to whatever deity might exist that his attempts to shield the boy had worked.
    At first he couldn't feel anything. Horror paralyzed him, rooting him in place and consuming all logical thought. He kept his fingers pressed to Chrisâs neck, and finally he felt the faintest thumping. Phil exhaled, pressing a hand to his friendâs forehead and summoning his magic.
     He was far from a physician, but he healed Chrisâs injuries as best as he could, and stood. He caught sight of Sarahâs hair before averting his eyes. Maybe it was cowardly, but the sight of his dead people, of his friends, was one he didn't think heâd ever be ready for.
     Phil ran. He slammed into the portal, sprinting blindly down the corridors. The way was one that he would've forgotten if it hadn't been the path that also led him to Dan. And it was to the Iniquiter that he ran now, because Phil needed help and he was a coward. The people had been right--he was no King.
 âŚ
     Phil had only been to Enigmaity briefly, and for most of the time heâd been trapped in a net. The darkened sun and shadowed landscape were instantly recognizable, however, and if he squinted he could see the castle in the distance. Hand on his knives, he began to head in the direction of the path. Last time, there hasn't been anyone guarding the border, and it didn't look like much had changed.
    He stepped forwards tentatively, starting towards his destination slowly.
    âHalt! Who dares trespass in Enigmaity?â The Iniquiter had a blade at Philâs throat before he could blink, gray eyes sharper than her sword.
    Philâs mouth was dry, hands raising in the universal sign of surrender. âAlexander Harrison,â he said calmly. âI come bringing news of the Queen.â Heâd hoped his words would put her at ease, but they seemed to have the opposite effect.
    âWhat might that be?â
    âThat's classified, Iâll need an audience with Da--Prince Daniel. I hope you can understand the disastrous effects it could have if it was to spread.â
     Her mouth twisted into a sneer. âI'm afraid I possibly couldn't Philip Lester. What, did you think we were stupid enough that we wouldn't recognize you?â
    Philâs brain was screaming at him. Abortmissionabortabort. He told it to shut up. âLook,â he began, trying a different tactic. âWeâre on the same side.â
    âIs that so?â
    âWe both want humanity to be safe, andâŚâ Phil faltered. He'd been about to say that his parents were missing too, but that would reveal that Illuminators was vulnerable.
    âAnd what?â
    âAnd that's that,â he finished lamely. âPlease, if you'd just let me talk to Dan--â
     The woman backhanded him, Phil barely staying in place. He winced, pressing a hand to his cheek. âLike Iâd ever let you anywhere near the prince. You will refer to him as such.â
     âYou really don't want to do this,â Phil pressed desperately. âThe Illuminators--â
    âWill have a hell of a time finding us,â she finished. âI not sure how you managed it, that's a mistake weâll have to rectify.â
    âThe prince won't be happy once he finds out.â
   âWho says he will?â
    Phil stared the Iniquiter down. He sucked in a breath, trying to reach for the magic that had flowed from him back in Illumination; or any magic at all, really. There was nothing. His powers seemed to have run completely dry. Go figure.
     âMove,â the woman barked. She pushed him forwards, sword still pressed to his neck. Her breath brushed his ear as she leaned closer. âIf you try to run or put up a fight in any way, I'll slit your throat and rip your tongue out with my fingernails. Clear?â
     âClear,â Phil said, not daring to move his head. Unless someone miraculously stumbled upon them he had no hope of getting a message through to Dan. Maybe he could figure out a way out from the dungeons. If they were anything like the ones in Illumination it would be almost impossible, but empty hope was better than no hope at all.
 âŚ
     Enigmaityâs dungeon was dark. It was darker than dark, blacker than Chrisâs socks and just as revolting. It would've been bad enough if heâd simply been chained up, but instead he was strapped to a table and unable to budge a centimeter. The things that could happen in this position were nothing he wanted to think about, so he didn't. Everything about his current predicament was shitty.
     Heâd single handedly killed hundreds of his own subjects, and now he was stuck in the palace dungeons with no way to contact Dan, save his parents, or his kingdom. He trusted Chris if he still alive, but there was no guarantee that the rest of the Illuminators wouldn't rebel after everything that had happened. Maybe they should; they'd probably be a better king than he could ever be.
    There was also the possibility that Dan knew he was here and had ordered his arrest, in which case he was completely and utterly screwed.
    The door creaked open, hinges squealing. Phil cringed involuntarily, straining against the restraints. A subtle shift in the shadows was the only hint that he had a newcomer, and something told him it wasn't Dan.
    âWhat do we have here?â There was a tutting noise, a clicking of the tongue and rustle of papers. âOho, Philip Lester is it? Youâll have to forgive me, if Iâd known I would be in the presence of royalty I would've put on my Sunday best. Iâm William--I would shake your hand, but you seem a bit preoccupied.â
    Phil scowled. âDoes Dan know I'm here?â he asked, cutting straight to the point.
    âWhy, will he notice your absence?â
    It was a trap, meant to trip Phil up and reveal that Dan was a traitor. Thankfully, he wasn't that stupid. âI have news of his mother, I assumed that was information heâd want to receive firsthand,â he answered as smoothly as he could in his position.
    âDon't you fret your pretty head.â Williamâs fingers trailed down the side of Philâs face, teasing in a way that made him feel a few breaths away from throwing up. âWeâll be hearing all about that, as well as any other information you have about Illumination. Something tells me it's a lot.â
    William raised his hand. The knife gleamed in the dim lighting, what little light there was bouncing off the blade. Phil curled his hands into fists, forcing his eyes to stay open and trained on William. He was the Prince--no matter what happened he was representing his kingdom, too.
    The knife burned as it sliced through his skin, blood spilling from the open wound and dripping into the waiting jar. He barely kept from crying out, teeth grinding together and silencing his shout for help. William grinned, a toothy, leering expression that frightened him more than the knife did.
    Light poured from the cut, draining from Philâs veins and into the jar. He focused his attention on it, eyes narrowing. Illuminator blood did supposedly contain sunlight, but he'd never seen any proof of it until now. As the light continued to disappear, fatigue begin to settle within his skin.
    âWhat did you do?â he asked, voice shaking despite himself.
    William didn't answer, humming to himself as the light and blood continued to seep out of his veins. âYou won't be getting anywhere near the King, not on our watch,â he leered. William waved a hand over Philâs wrist, a layer of cold stopping the blood.
    âIs that what he wants?â Phil ventured.
    âRest up,â William said instead. A hand pressed against Philâs chest, lingering. Bile rose, burning the back of Philâs throat. He didn't like people touching him, especially when the people in question were creepy - ass torturers. âYouâll need it.â
     Phil pressed his lips together, refusing to let anything escape as the knife clattered on the table and William left with the jar. He was alone again a few moments later, the dark pressing in all around him.
 âŚ
     Williamâs visits were sporadic, some of the gaps seeming to take hours and others taking days. Phil hadn't eaten in ages, but every now and again William would give him a sip of water. He always gave Phil two injections, one of which he assumed held some version of nutrients. The other was a cold, black substance that made him shake and his brain freeze.
    By the time William was finished, there were tubes filled with the glowing light heâd grown to associate with himself. And each time, Phil shattered a little more. It felt like pieces of him were breaking off, collapsing and splintering into a billion different fragments. Everytime he closed his eyes the empty, bloodied eyes of his people pressed against his eyelids.
    He couldnât hold himself together, what hope had he ever had of a kingdom?
     The door swung open, gentle footsteps making their way towards the table. âPhil?â The word was incredulous, a gasp of wonder and horror merged into one perfect syllable.
     âDan!â Philâs eyes flew open. He tilted his head as far back as he could reach, the Iniquiterâs face swimming before his eyes. âWhat are you doing here?â
    âSaving you, you spork,â Dan said. His eyes lit up with the smirk Phil saw every time he dreamed, and he swore that this was home.
     Relief swamped every other thought that ran through Philâs mind, and he felt nearly giddy. âHow did you know I was here?â he asked.
    Dan approached him, reaching out a hand for his cheek. âI could feel it. I can always feel you, Phil. Weâre connected, you and I.â
     âWe are?â Not that Phil didn't appreciate the sentiment, but it wasn't a sentence he ever would've expected would come out of Danâs lips.
    The boy looked puzzled, forehead creasing. âI love you, Phil.â
     Philâs mouth was dry. He shook his head, hands curling into firsts. âYou're not Dan. Not really.â
   The hurt looked real enough that he almost believe it. But he didn't, because never in a million years would Dan ever feel the same way. âPhilâŚâ
    âYou can skip the bullshit William,â Phil snapped. He turned his head away, closing his eyes. âI know it's you.â
    A slow clap echoed around the room. The now familiar footsteps of William neared the table, and Phil opened his eyes. Dan had vanished, a curious, knowing glint in his captorâs expression.
    âVery well done,â William said. âIt takes most people twice as long to spot the difference. By that point,â he paused, smiling too sympathetically for it to be real. âWell, I won't trouble you with the details. You know what's really curious, though?â
    âWhat?â
    âFor that particular spell, the person that appears is the one who matters most.â William picked up the knife, pressing his thumb to the tip. A line of blood dotted his finger. âInteresting, don't you think?â
    Phil swallowed. âIf you say so.â
    âThe real question, of course, is if our King feels the same way.â William raised an eyebrow. âWhat do you say we try and find out?â
 âŚ
     Phil had lost track of the days. The disorientation felt almost like portal travel, but the loss of magic, restraints, and overall exhaustion felt very, very, different. Between Williamâs visits was a dark monotony of nothing that got colder each time. The man was visiting at the moment, although this trip seemed to be taking longer than usual.
    âThe attacks on our city,â William said. âWho is behind them?â
    Phil frowned. âWhat attacks?â He was dismayed to hear his voice emerge as a rasping cough, but at least he still had a voice.
    William sneered. His fist collided with Philâs nose a second later. âDon't pretend you don't know! You lot always leave a balloon afterwards.â
    âA balloon?â Philâs mind was racing. He had been right. Enigmaity hadn't been behind the attacks in Illuminatiom because they were suffering them as well. âThat's not us.â
    The knife sliced through his skin, a jolt of pain shooting up his arm. âYou can't lie to me, Philip. Tell the truth.â
    âI am!â
    âLying filth.â
    âIâm telling you the truth!â
    âWhat's going on?â William froze, knife clattering to the ground at the interruption. The voice was familiar, a favorite song Phil hadn't heard in what seemed like forever. He exhaled, his eyes struggling to stay open as he met the gaze of the newcomer. Dan.
   Recognition dawned in the Iniquiterâs eyes, and he staggered backwards. âPhil?â his voice was barely a whisper, but even after all this time it was still one of the most beautiful sounds Phil had ever heard. But then this could all still be a lie. âWhat are you doing here?â
    Danâs appearance had taunted him plenty, dangling the options of freedom and love in front of his nose, but this was the first time it had happened with William there. The sheer panic in Williamâs eyes made Phil believe that quite possibly the real Dan had come to save him.
    William bowed, jerking his chin towards him. âYou recall an investigation that began a few days ago?â
    âYes, but I was told that the interrogation was of a traitor.â
    âIt is,â he said frankly. âAll Illuminators are traitors to our true cause; to protect humanity.â
    Danâs lips thinned. âOf an Iniquiter traitor. Within our ranks.â
    âIt must have been a communication issue,â William said smoothly. âI apologize for any distress it may have caused.â
    âYou are forgiven,â Dan said dismissively. âLet him go.â
    William hesitated, eyes darting around the room like a cornered rat. âAre you sure Your Majestyâs judgement is the best concerning this matter?â
    Dan looked thunderous. Dark eyes flashing, his hand reached for his axe. âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â
    âT-There are rumors,â William stuttered. âYou and the Illuminator were, were working together once? Maybe you thought you were friends?â
    âRumors,â Dan said dismissively, though the hard edge to his tone left no room for argument. âNothing more. Now release him.â
   âBut--â
   âI said to release him.â William didn't move, and Dan lowered his voice. âIf you haven't forgotten, I'm king in my motherâs absence. I can slit your throat before you have time to bow. Are you going to disobey a direct order?â
   âNo.â
   âGood. And in case it slipped your memory, the Queen is my family. Out of anyone in this kingdom, I have the most reason to want her found. Do you doubt that?â William shook his head. âDo you think that I would do anything to hinder her rescue?â
    âNo.â
    âNo. Believe me,â Dan turned his glare on Phil, his stare cold and unrelenting. âI have my own plans for the Illuminator that are far worse than some half baked torture.â
     âAs you wish.â William snapped his fingers, and the chains binding Phil to the wall vanished. He pitched forwards, eyes fluttering shut. An arm was there to catch him, supporting his weight and hauling him upright.
     âAre you okay?â Danâs question was a whisper in Philâs ear, masked by the movement of wrapping Philâs arm around his shoulders.
    âFantastic. Five star establishment with great service,â Phil mumbled. The simple movement of talking hurt, and he settled for leaning against Dan. There was still the chance this was all one massive hallucination, but at least his arms felt free. Dan smelt warm, a surprisingly familiar smell given the circumstances, and Phil relaxed into it.
    Dan quirked an eyebrow. âYou Illuminators can never just say âthank youâ can you?â
    âThank you.â
    âYou're welcome. That wasn't so hard, was it?â
    Phil was pretty sure his glare was less effective when he could barely keep his eyes open, but he gave it his best anyway. âScrew you Howell.â
    âIs that any way to treat your King?â
    âYou're not my King.â He winced, shifting his weight to his right leg. âAbout those plans.â Black spots danced at the corners of his vision, no amount of blinking making them disappear.
    âPhil?â Danâs voice was filled with concern, and somehow Phil was lying completely in his arms. âYou with me?â
    Phil squinted up at the boy. Dan really was beautiful--for an Iniquiter at least. âYour eyes are pretty,â he said stupidly. He reached up and brushed the back of his hand against Danâs cheek. And then he passed out.
 âŚ
     Phil came to to find Danâs face centimeters from his. Admittedly, it wasnât the worst thing to wake up to, and a look of profound relief crossed Danâs face.
    âFor a while I was afraid you werenât going to wake up.â
    Phil rubbed his eyes, sitting up. He was surprised to find that his injuries seemed to have healed, and he assumed he had Dan to thank for that. âWhere are we?â
    âMy room,â Dan said, waving a careless hand at their surroundings. âDon't worry,â he added dryly. âI'm not going to take advantage of you.â Apparently Danâs sarcasm hadn't lessened at all.
    Phil relaxed, surveying Danâs room curiously. Weapons hung from the walls, a few posters scattered between them. The dresser was white, a stark contrast to the black walls. Dan had taped stars to his ceiling, and Phil couldn't help smiling at the thought of a much littler Dan studying the constellations with a concentrated frown.
    âWhat are you doing here?â Dan asked.
    Phil blanched, swallowing. âIllumination is in trouble. We need your help--I need your help.â
   Danâs eyes hardened. âWhy should I care?â
    For some reason, Phil had never entertained the idea that Dan would turn him away. He wasn't sure what he would do if that happened. âBecause. Once you needed help and I put aside everything to give it to you.â He took a deep breath and plunged forward, praying he wasn't overstepping his boundaries. âAnd I am your friend.â
    Danâs expression softened. âI know, Phil. And I know you know that. But they don't. How am I supposed to explain to my kingdom that their King has been going behind their backs for over a year conspiring with the enemy?â
    Phil sighed. He should've known it was impossible for an alliance to succeed without any trouble. âYouâre the King, couldn't you try explaining it to them?â
    Dan laughed, a hollow, humorless sound. âHave you met an Iniquiter? Half the council are wealthy, old men who have only profited from the war and are unlikely to listen to reason. How do you think trying to explain it to your parents would go?â
    âThat wouldn't be a problem,â Phil said. âSeeing as theyâve been captured.â
    Danâs eyes widened. âI'm so sorry,â he said. His hand brushed Philâs arm, a strangely comforting gesture. âYour Majesty.â
    Phil grimaced. âNot so much. Thereâs been some trouble concerning the fact that I'm not of age yet.â
    âThat's bullshit,â Dan declared, nose wrinkling. âYou're crown prince, what more do they want?â Phil shrugged. âIs that why you're here?â
    âPartly. Illumination is suffering attacks that leave towns in ruins. The only thing left behind is a bright red balloon.â Dan made a curious sound in the back of his throat. âWilliam mentioned that Engimaity was experiencing something similar.â
    âYeah, we are,â Dan released a breath, cheeks puffing out. âIs there anything else to these attacks?â
    âOur sun is dying,â Phil said grimly. âWhoever is behind it has magic that's making it look like the sun in Enigmaity. The best I can figure is that it's related to our parents being kidnapped.â
    âThat's about all I have,â Dan said. âPJ and I have been working on a tracking spell using one of the balloons. If all goes well it should be finished soon. Whoâs ruling Illumination in your stead?â
    Phil paused. Alaric and most of the council members had been killed. He hadn't seen Alex amongst the fallen, but that didn't mean she was still alive. âOne of the advisors,â he said finally.
    Dan raised an eyebrow, but to Philâs relief didn't press the subject. âAre you okay hiding here until the spell is finished?â
    âAre you okay hiding me here?â Phil countered.
    Dan smiled. âI wouldn't have offered unless I was sure,â he said lightly. âAs long as we keep you out of sight it shouldn't be a problem. I didn't even know about your arrest, I doubt many other people know you're here.â
    âWilliam said something about âweâre not letting you anywhere near the King,â Phil said, frowning. âThe guard that captured me made similar remarks about not telling you I was in Illumination.â
    âWhat did the guard look like?â Dan asked.
    âFemale. Gray eyes, black hair. A little shorter than you.â
    The crease between the Iniquiterâs brow deepened. âIâll have PJ look into it. Is there anything that was confiscated you want back?â
    âMy armor,â Phil said. âI had a few things hidden in my pockets, although they were probably taken too.â
    âI'll see what I can do,â Dan promised. âStay here and rest up, your injuries aren't completely healed yet.â He turned to leave, pausing in the doorway. âIt's good to see you, Phil. Even if it's not because of the reasons Iâd like it to be.â
    Phil smiled. âYou too.â
 âŚ
    âWhat else do we need?â The ingredients to the spell lay on the table in front of Phil. Dan stood to his left, finger moving down a list.
    âSilver bowl, something belonging to our target, myrrh, water from the fountain in Enigmaity, essence of kraken, the only thing weâre missing is water from Illumination. Do you think you can get some for us?â
   At Danâs words all the air was sucked out of Philâs lungs, similar to the feeling of being punched him in the gut. The thought of going home was terrifying, and âSure,â he managed. âOf course. Iâll ask Chris.â If he was still alive.
    Dan nodded. âWeâll need to use magic to activate the spell.â
    âIâm not sure that's wise,â Phil said carefully. âMy powers haven't been very reliable lately.â
    Surprise flickered behind Danâs eyes. âNeither have mine,â he confessed. âThey've been completely out of control, actually, and it's only been thanks to PJâs help that nothing has gone wrong so far.â
    âDo you think it's linked to everything else?â Phil asked.
    Dan snorted. âAt this point? Probably.â The door creaked open behind him, and Phil tensed, preparing to hide. To his relief, PJ stepped into view, closing the door behind him and locking it. âWeâve talked about this, PJ,â Dan snapped, although the slight waver to his words gave away his own panic. âKnocking exists for a reason.â
    âSo do locks,â PJ retorted. He inclined his head in Philâs direction. âGood to see you're still alive.â
    âNext time it would be nice to know about the guards before trying to visit,â Phil said.
    âI didn't think you were stupid enough to come, otherwise I would've.â
    Danâs head went back and forth, following their conversation with an increasingly confused look. âHave you two been seeing each other?â
    âHere and there,â Phil said. âUsually not for very long.â Something flashed in Danâs eyes that looked a lot like jealousy, though that couldâve just been wishful thinking.
    âThanks for telling me,â Dan said sarcastically. âNext time you talk with a sworn enemy try and remember to inform your King.â
    PJ said something just as sarcastic in response, but Phil had checked out of the conversation. He closed his eyes, reaching for the magic that lingered just below the surface. A pen appeared in his hand, white and glowing. He grabbed a piece of paper, scribbling a quick explanation down and muttering âChris.â He made a fist, the paper crumbling to ashes and falling to the ground.
   Because he was a coward, maybe he could convince PJ to meet up with Chris and get the water in his stead.
    âI found the guard who captured you,â PJ said, his words dragging Phil back to reality. âSheâs being held in the dungeons for questioning.â
    Dan nodded. âIâll head down straight away. Will you be alright?â he asked, head tipping in Philâs direction.
    âOf course,â Phil said.
    âIâll stay with him,â PJ volunteered. âI wanted to catch up anyway.â
    The same unreadable emotion flickered across Danâs face. He shrugged. âAlright,â he said simply, disappearing without another word.
    Philâs brow furrowed. âIs everything okay?â he asked tentatively.
    PJ looked startled. âWith Dan and me? I thought you could tell.â
    âTell what?â
    âNothing,â PJ said dismissively. The gleam in his eyes suggested otherwise, however. âYou're both being emotionally constipated twats, but that's no different than usual.â
    âThanks.â
    âYou're welcome. How are you, really?â
    Phil made a noncommittal noise, picking at a loose thread in the sheet. âFine. For someone whoâs been tortured for the past few days at any rate.â
    âIs that all?â
    He glanced up sharply. âWhy wouldn't it be?â
    âI canât picture you leaving Illumination for anything less than a drastic emergency.â
    âMy parents have been captured--â
   âWhich would only make you more likely to stay behind and look after the throne.â PJâs head ripped to the side, green eyes narrow and analytical. âWhat happened, Phil?â
    Phil swallowed, turning his head away. âMe.â
    PJ clapped him on the shoulder, gaze softening. Phil was expecting the Iniquiter to press for more of an answer, but to his relief a hint of understanding flickered in the boyâs expression. He opened his mouth, a question lingering in the green of his eyes. Something âDonât worry. You'll sort it out.â
    âWhat makes you say that?â
   PJ smiled. It was a strangely affectionate expression, and something about it seemed as if he knew things Phil didn't. âBecause Dan likes you. And that's more than enough for me. I think this whole war is stupid anyway.â
    âI do too. Do you know why it started originally?â
    PJ shook his head. âNo. I don't think anyone does. But Dan was telling me about the similarities between our worlds, and everyone knows how the portals were built. According to some legends, there are dead worlds scattered throughout the passageways of the portals. Apparently they were created by Walter and Margaret.â
     Phil blinked, brain flooding with millions of questions. âHas anyone ever found one before?â
     âNothing that's been recorded. People have tried--hell I've given it a go once or twice. Iâm assuming it's some kind of spell no oneâs been able to figure out.â
    The other worlds were nothing Phil had heard of before, but that didn't mean they didn't exist. He filed the knowledge away for use later. It'd be something to tell his parents once he found them. He refused to acknowledge an alternative; as much as they got on each otherâs nerves sometimes they were one of the only constants in his life.
    There was no way they could be dead. It was inconceivable.
 âŚ
     Phil had received a response from Chris the next day. His exact words were something along the lines of âof course I'll help you idiot where the hell are you and when are you coming back.â Phil had conveniently chosen to ignore the last two statements, and convinced PJ to go in his stead.
    The Inquiter had given him a look, but thankfully caved without much complaint. While Phil wouldn't have minded proof that Chris was fine and well, he was more afraid than he was a good friend.
   âShould it be taking this long?â Dan asked, worry pulling his mouth into a frown.
   âHe has to get past the borders without suspicion,â Phil reassured. Who he was trying to make feel better was anyoneâs guess. If PJ got hurt because of his cowardice he didn't think he could ever forgive himself. âAnd so does Chris. It could take a while.â
    Dan exhaled, hands fisting in his hair. âI know. That doesn't mean I have to like it.â
    Without thinking, Phil reached up and grabbed Danâs hand, fixing his fringe. âPJ can take care of himself. Heâs a big, bad, scary, evil Iniquiter after all, remember?â
    Dan snorted. âRight. Facing off with a power hungry egotistical Illuminator.â
   âOnly one of those statements is false,â Phil said. Dan laughed, some of the tension vanishing as his posture relaxed.
    âThe same could be said of PJ,â Dan said. âExcept that underneath all of that heâs kind of a wimp. Don't tell him I said that.â
    âYour secretâs safe with me,â Phil promised. He mimed locking his lips and throwing away the key. He moved to ruffle his hair, only to realize he was still holding Danâs hand. He left things as they were.
   âWilliam has been removed from his position,â Dan said.
   âWhat? Why?â
   âI thought that would've been obvious,â Dan said. âAside from how he treated you, he failed to tell the King that Philip Lester was in Enigmaity.â
   âI guess he did kind of suck at his job, didn't he?â Phil asked. Dan squeezed his hand, fingers tightening. He took a deep breath, steeling his nerves. âWhile I was...down there, I saw you. Over and over again it was you. You promised to set me free almost every time I opened my eyes, but it was never real.â
   Danâs gaze softened, and he reached for Philâs other hand. âI'm here now. I'm real.â
   âI know,â Phil said quietly. âBut sometimes it's hard to tell for certain that this isn't some elaborate hallucination orchestrated by William. That would be the worst torture.â
   Danâs hand moved to cup Philâs cheek, his thumb stroking the Illuminatorâs cheekbones. The something more of what they were dangled in the air, tension dripping from every word. âI won't let anyone take you again.â
    âPromise?â
    âPromise.â
   âI won't let anyone take you, either. I'd give up my kingdom first.â Dangerous words, even more dangerous given that Phil meant them.
   Dan inhaled, looking as though he was bracing himself. âPhil, I--â Movement flashed behind him, and Phil pressed his hand over the Iniquiterâs mouth.
   âI think weâve been spotted,â he said in a low voice.
    Dan stiffened, hand moving towards his axe as Phil released his mouth. âWhere?â
    âThe window.â
    Dan slowly started to turn, eyes narrowing, when the door swung open. PJ stepped through, carrying a flask and wearing an exasperated expression. âAm I interrupting something?â
    Dan scowled. âKnocking.â
   âI tried. You seemed preoccupied so I let myself in.â PJ set the flask on the table, crossing his arms. âChris wanted to know âwhy the hell that bitch didn't show up.â I told you him you chickened out, which he agreed sounded a lot like you.â
    âThanks,â Phil muttered. âThat was you outside the window, right?â Â
    âThis time. You two haven't been as subtle as you wish. Rumors have been flying that Philip Lester was spotted in our Kingâs chambers in increasingly compromising positions.â
     Dan grew pale. âHas anyone given them any credence?â
     âOne of the counselors swore he saw Phil laying in your bed unharmed and unchained after heâd been removed for âvicious interrogation.â It didn't help that William was arrested directly after Philâs release.â
    âAfter we enact the spell you're staying behind as acting King,â Dan said.
     âDon't be stupid,â PJ said indignantly. âYou won't last five minutes without me.â
     âNeither will Enigmaity. And I'll have Phil.â
    PJ frowned, eyebrows drawing together. âFine. Try not to die, will you? I don't much fancy becoming King permanently.â
    Dan rolled his eyes. âIt's not a PJ âdon't dieâ speech without a sarcastic quip.â
     Leaving the two to continue their banter in peace Phil grabbed the flask, uncorking it and pouring its contents into the silver bowl. He added the water from Enigmaity, a piece of the red balloon following. It was dissolved by the essence of kraken he added next, and he nodded in Danâs direction. The Iniquiter picked up the Myrrh, the end bursting into flames with a snap of his fingers. It scattered into the air around them, scent strong and sweet.
     Hopefully it would prevent their target from tracking them.
     Phil picked up the silver knife, pushing uphold sleeve. He braced himself over the bowl, slicing a clean cut on the top of his arm. Blood dripped into the bowl, and for a few dizzying breaths he was still strapped to the table and it was William bleeding him. He blinked, the image disappearing. He exhaled shakily, quickly handing the knife to Dan. He ran his hand over the wound, and the skin was unblemished once more.
     Maybe these flashbacks were meant to be his penance for the things he'd done.
    A warm hand on his shoulder jolted him out of his thoughts, Danâs concerned expression hovering at the edges of his vision. âAre you okay?â
     âYeah,â Phil swallowed. âPeachy.â He handed the knife over, Dan giving his shoulder a final squeeze. Moments later Dan was back by his side, this time linking their fingers together.
    âReady?â
    âAs I'll ever be,â Phil said grimly. He grasped Danâs other hand, their eyes locking. He grounded himself with the warmth in Danâs expression as he reached for his magic.
    âŚ
     âWatch where you're going buddy!â The man elbowed Phil to the side, his glower angry enough to rival any Iniquiter.
   âSorry,â Phil muttered. He hadn't been back to Earth since the party, and it was a little disorienting to say the least. It had been surprising to both he and Dan when the map pointed them towards Earth, although in hindsight it made sense in a poetic way. Wards had been put up directly around their destination, but they'd managed to portal a few miles out.
    Dan glared at the manâs back. âMaybe you should watch where youâre going,â he grumbled.
    Phil unsuccessfully tried to hide his smile. âI'm fairly certain he can't hear you.â
    âSanctimonious prick,â Dan scowled. âSometimes I meet humans like him and I wonder what's so worth saving.â
     Phil nudged the Iniquiter. He understood the joke, but it was impossible to resist a chance to mess with Dan. âThe same could be said of Iniquiters. Particularly their Acting King. I've heard he can be a pain in the ass.â
    Dan rolled his eyes, shoving him back. âI revoke my previous statement. The sanctimonious prick is right in front of me.â
    âTechnically Iâm to the left.â
   âNext time Iâll let the rude human decapitate you. See if I give a fuck.â
    Phil snorted, shaking his head. âDo you think Lily is the one weâre tracking?â he asked.
    âIt makes sense,â Dan said. âOur old âfriendâ from last year mentioned that she sent her regards--whoever she is. The important thing is how are we going to kill her?â
    Phil blinked. âKill her?â
    âPhil, sheâs attacked both of our kingdoms, screwed with our powers, kidnapped our parents, I hardly think mercy is the best course of action.â
    âI know. It's just--â his words stumbled into silence, each word feeling more weighed down than the last. There was only so long he could keep his actions a secret, but the selfish part of him wanted to put off the inevitable disgust in Danâs eyes for as long as he could.
    Lily might be one of the few people that deserved what she got, but after all the people that had already died he wasn't sure he could take one more.
    âPhil? What's wrong?â Dan sounded concern again, and Phil winced internally. The last thing he wanted was to cause him harm, yet that's all he seemed to do.
    âNothing,â Phil said nonchalantly. âI got lost in thought.â
    Dan eyed him suspiciously, worrying his bottom lip thoughtfully. âYou know you can tell me anything, right?â He cringed. âAs ridiculously sappy as that sounded it's still true.â
   âOf course,â Phil said honestly. âThe same goes for you. PJ was telling me about dead worlds that were created centuries ago. If we figure out how to access them we could always trap her there. No murder necessary, and in some ways that would be a worse punishment. Leave her to live out the rest of her life alone and knowing she failed.â
   âI'm all for maximizing torture,â Dan said dryly. âBut what's bringing on this current wave of pacifism?â
    Phil hesitated, biting his lip. âAfter everything's that happened this last year, maybe she's not as bad we think she is. You're not at all what I expected, and with all the horrible things that have happened between our parents being abducted and you almost dying maybe it's time we tried and solve things peacefully.â
     A half smile pulled at the edges of Danâs lips. âMaybe you're right. Weâll figure it out.â
     âSorry,â Phil stumbled to a halt, mouth dropping open in shock. âDid Daniel Howell just admit that Iâm right?â
     âFuck off,â Dan grumbled, laughter robbing his words of any bite.
     âMake me,â Phil retorted, the reply slipping out before he could stop it. Dan froze, staring back at him with a peculiar expression. His gaze flickered to Philâs lips and back up to his eyes, and as if subconsciously he wetted his lips. Phil tracked the movement, not daring to breath.
     Dan exhaled, and the tension shattered. âAre we still on the right track?â
     After casting the spell, PJ had tied it to two bracelets, giving them to Dan and Phil to wear. Phil closed his eyes, touching the twine braided around his wrist. The image pushed its way into his mindâs eye: the back of a building surrounded by a forest. A street sign flashed just around the corner, 250 Main Street.
   Philâs eyes popped open. âYes,â he said. âJust a little further.â
    Dan gestured in front of him grandly. âLead the way, King Lester.â
    Phil smiled, bowing his head. If he slipped his hand into Danâs as he walked past, well, no one needed to know. And if Dan squeezed his hand in return, no one needed to know about that, either.
 âŚ
     They had voted to divide and conquer, figuring it was the most efficient course of action. By midday they still had a few kilometers left to go and Philâs stomach had long since started complaining. Dan had gone to inquire about bus tickets, and Phil had gone across the street to the grocery store.
    He skimmed his fingers against the boxes of protein bars, grabbing a box at random. His fingers tapped tunelessly against his thigh, his thoughts drifting, as usual, to Dan. He wondered if the Inquiter had a peanut allergy. That would unfortunate, given nuts seemed to be a staple in any granola bar.
    Sirens shattered his train of thought, Phil stiffening. The groceries hit the ground with a thud as he took off running. The doors parted before him, and he stumbled outside, turning his gaze to the bus station up the street.
    Black flames rolled towards him, fire trucks and fighters screaming as the fire raged despite their best attempts. For one, paralyzing moment, Phil was back in Illumination, staring at the broken forms of his friends. He blinked once, and then a few more times until the image was once again forced to the back of his mind.
    There was only one thing Iniquiter fire could mean--Dan was in trouble.
    Phil took off running, sprinting across the street without hesitation. His knives were already in hand, summoned unconsciously because Dan needed his help and there wasn't any time to waste.
    The firefighters moved to block his way, but he shoved them aside and jumped into the building. Dan was crumpled on the ground, curled in on himself and axe fallen from his grip. Something clenched in Philâs chest, a stab through the heart that he shoved aside.
   He grabbed Danâs shoulders, picking the boy up bridal style and running for the exit. The proper thing to do would be to make sure everyone else was out, but Dan looked too pale and he wasn't breathing and other people be damned. Phil kicked the door open, stumbling outside and tripping down the steps.
    He cradled Dan in his arms, freeing one hand and checking his pulse. It was there, but barely. He closed his eyes, forcing his shaking hand to steady and summoning his magic. It spilled to the surface, dripping through the air as he directed it towards Dan.
    Traces of color began to return to Danâs face, and his breathing became a little easier. Phil breathed out slowly, giving as much magic as he dared. Too much and it could harm Dan more than it would save him. He willed the magic to vanish. Nothing happened. Panic rose, cramming every empty space and even those filled, and Phil found that his breathing was becoming faster and faster.
    A hand tapped him on the shoulder, and he flinched backwards. A girl a few years older than him stood behind him, offering a warm if somewhat awkward smile. âDo you want me to alert the ambulance?â
    âWhat?â Phil asked stupidly.
    She jerked her chin towards Dan. âFor your friend.â
     Right, human doctors. Phil wasn't sure it would help, or what they would say if they discovered that Dan wasn't human. âNo, thank you,â he managed. âHeâll be okay.â
     The girlâs brow creased. âCan I call anyone? Is there somewhere for you to go next?â
    Phil shook his head. âNo. There's no one. Weâre not...weâre new to town and haven't found anywhere yet.â
    Sympathy warred with lingering apprehension in the girlâs eyes, the former finally winning. âIâm Zoe,â she offered.
    âPhil.â
    âMy girlfriendâs out of town and we have a spare bedroom in our apartment if you need somewhere to crash. Until you're both feeling better.â
    Phil forced a smile, the motion an unfamiliar feeling that cracked every muscle in his face. âThat would be lovely, thank you.â
   âI know weâre not the most progressive town, but I promise not everyoneâs a homophobic asshole,â she said with a wry smile.
    It took Phil a moment to catch the meaning behind her words. He didn't bother to correct her, instead picking Dan up as gently as he could. âThank you,â he repeated. âYou're very kind.â
    Zoe smiled, a blush coloring her cheeks. âI'm just doing what anyone would. I live just a few blocks away, follow me.â
      Zoeâs house was nice. The walls were a pretty purple color, and her spare bedroom was large enough to fit a king sized bed. Phil wished he was in more of a mood to appreciate it--and more importantly that Dan was conscious enough to make some stupid pun about the bed being fit for a king.
    He gently laid the Iniquiter on top of the sheets. Danâs fringe had fallen into his eyes, and without thinking Phil moved it further off his face. He left his hand there, fixing the rest of his hair.
    âI'll make you a deal,â Phil said quietly. âYou wake up, and weâll both promise to stop doing that thing where we get trapped in burning buildings. Okay?â He pressed two fingers to Danâs neck, a reassurance that he was still alive. Being crown prince was never a particularly safe position, but it was one thing being hurt himself and another to see Dan hurting.
    âPlease, Dan.â Philâs voice dropped to a whisper, his hand grabbing Danâs and holding on like it was a lifeline. âI need you to wake up.â He eyed the boy hopefully, as if they were in a story and those were the magic words that would make him wake up. Unsurprisingly but no less disappointingly, nothing happened.
    âHow is he?â Zoe leaned against the door frame, black curls falling into her eyes. She tucked them back behind her ear, mouth curling in sympathy.
    Phil sighed, running a hand through his hair. âHeâll live.â I think. âIt's mostly smoke inhalation,â he lied, grabbing onto the first human medical issue he could think of. Usually Illuminators and Iniquiters never got ill. Their magic worked to protect them from most disease, and any healers worked primarily to tend to wounds from battle.
    Zoeâs brow furrowed. âAre you sure it wouldn't be better to call an ambulance?â
    âHe would probably have an aneurism if he woke up in a hospital,â Phil said truthfully. âBad memories.â
    She nodded, tapping the side of her glasses. âI have really shitty vision so I've spent a lot of time in hospitals for surgery. I know how you feel.â
    Phil hesitated. He didn't want Zoe to think he was ungrateful, or to cause her to change her mind, but he hadn't met many people as generous as she was. âWhy are you helping us?â
    Zoe pursued her lips, head tilting to the side thoughtfully. âThat's a good question, actually. I don't know. I used to want to be a superhero but instead I'm a cashier. I guess if I help as many people as I can I'll be...not a superhero maybe but someone past me would be proud of. You know?â
   Phil nodded, because he did. He just wished he wasn't such a disappointment--to his present and past self. Zoeâs willingness to let people into her life was admirable, and he hoped he could be that kind someday.
 âŚ
    They'd been at Zoeâs house for three days and Dan still hadn't woken up.
   Phil couldnât remember the last time heâd slept. Any moment he took his eyes off Dan was a moment too long, and he didnât want his friend to wake up and think Phil had abandoned him. Zoe had gently suggested contacting Danâs family, letting them know what had happened âespecially ifâŚâ Her sentence had gone unfinished, and Phil had nodded silently.
    He was well aware the longer he stayed at Zoeâs the less likely it was their parents were still alive, but without Danâs help he didnât any chance of beating Lily. That and he didnât want to leave until he knew was okay. Phil had no plans of letting the Iniquiter leave until he was completely recovered. He was positive Dan would be livid once he found out, but as long as he conscious he could be as pissed as he liked.
    It took another two days before Dan finally woke up.
   Phil had his propped up on the bed on top of Danâs, arms crossed and eyes weary. There was only so long he could go without sleeping, but every time he tried it was short lived. Nightmares or Dan moving jolted him to alertness a few minutes later, and there was no relief in waking. He closed his eyes, listening to Danâs breathing and counting the seconds between each inhale. If he was breathing, he couldnât be dead. He held onto that knowledge, fingers curling into the boyâs shirt.
    Dan jerked under Philâs legs. eyes flying open. He gasped for air, bolting upright. âPhil?â
    âI'm here.â Phil snapped to attention, a relief knocking the breath from his lungs. He fumbled for Danâs hand, pressing it to his cheek to make sure that yes, Dan was fine and yes, this was real. âHow're you feeling?â
    âLike someone hit me with a dose of magic. Oh wait.â
    âIt's good to know your sense of humor didn't die,â Phil said dryly. His fingers tightened around the Iniquiterâs, feeling a stupid, giddy smile overtake his face.
    âNever.â Danâs expression turned grim. âWhat happened? Someone attacked me and I tried to stop them. That's all I can remember. How long was I out?â
   âFour days. The bank caught on fire,â Phil said softly.
   Danâs eyes widened. He pushed himself further upright, brushing off Philâs offered hand. âWhat happened? Was anyone hurt?â
    âA few people,â Phil answered carefully. âNo deaths, but one of the tellers has been in a coma ever since.â
    âFuck.â Dan ran a hand over his face, eyes fluttering shut. âThis is all my fault. I donât know what happened, I shouldnât have lost control like that.â
    Carefully, Phil reached out and laid a hand on Danâs shoulder. âIt wasnât your fault, Dan. You said your magicâs been out of control for months, this is nothing you couldâve stopped. If you want to blame anyone, blame the asshole who attacked you.â
    Danâs face was ashen. ââNot my faultâ--Iâm the fucking king. Iâve been using magic my entire life. What excuse could I possibly have?â
    âAnd normally you wouldâve had the situation under control,â Phil said firmly. âBut this was not something you could've stopped. Whateverâs wrong with our magic isn't anything weâre deliberately causing, and therefore it's not fair to blame either of us for anything that might happen as a result.â
    The implications of his own words hit him a moment later. In a lot of ways, it was probably hypocritical of him to be telling Dan not to blame himself when he was doing the same.
     Dan watched him curiously, brows drawn into a frown. âAnyone home?â
    âYeah,â Phil said quietly. âJust thinking.â
    âAbout?â Silence. âSurprisingly, talking about it helps. I speak from personal experience of a few seconds ago.â
    Phil exhaled, cheeks puffing out. âThere's something I haven't told you. Why I left Illumination.â
    âYour parents?â
    âNo. Yes, technically, but no. That's not all. While most Illuminators supported my unofficial promotion a vocal few were against it. There was an uprising that occurred, and the palace was placed under attack. I was confined to my chambers, but I left and joined the fight.â Phil paused, fighting to keep his tone even as he clenched his fists until his knuckles turned white. He wondered if talking about this would ever get easier. âI used magic to defend myself, but something went wrong and IâŚâ His voice dropped to a whisper, hoping his feelings of self loathing werenât as obvious as he suspected they were. âI couldnât do anything. Theyâre dead now and I ran away. The truth is, what William was doing--itâs nothing I didnât deserve. Iâm just as âbadâ or âevilâ as Lily.â
    âDonât say that.â Danâs tone was sharp, and he reached for Philâs hand. âNo one should have had to go through the kind of torture you did, especially if you think you deserved it. Youâre one of the kindest people Iâve met. When there was no one, and I had nowhere to go you were the one who helped me. Who showed me that thereâs good in everyone. I know it can be hard to believe that youâre worth saving, but trust me when I say that you are.â
    Phil trained his eyes on the ground. Pieces of him were breaking and scattering across the worlds. âI donât know if I can right now.â He dared to glance up. Danâs eyes were sad, but he didnât seem angry.
    âI heard you,â Dan said softly. His hand brushed Philâs cheek, resting above his cheekbone. âWhat you said. You promise to stop running into burning buildings if I do. But I have a new deal--if you try and believe that you deserve to live I'll do the same.â
   Phil covered Danâs hard with his own, locking their gazes. âDeal.â Another promise of something hung in the air, and this time he was determined not to let it go. âDo you remember our first kiss?â he asked quietly.
    Dan pushed his hair further off his forehead. âOf course. How could I forget it? It's a good memory.â
    Phil smiled. âI think so too.â Danâs fingers tilted his chin up towards him. Phil held his breath, eyes locking with the Iniquiterâs as he leaned forward.
    Danâs lips were as soft as he remembered, parting under his own. His hand snaked around Philâs neck, tangling in his hair. Phil pulled Dan closer until the two were pressed lips to lips and hips together. He deepened the kiss, biting down on Danâs lip and sucking.
    Dan made a whining noise in the back of his throat, tugging him closer. Phil slipped his leg between Danâs, pushing the other boy back onto the mattress. Danâs lips parted as Phil pressed his mouth to his neck, kissing down his collar. He paused halfway down, pulling Danâs shirt out of the way and sucking gently at the exposed skin.
    Dan made a noise that was positively sinful, hissing between his teeth and pressing every point of contact closer still. Â
    Warmth flooded Philâs veins, contentment and satisfaction the only feelings left to think. The words slipped out before he could think. âI love you.â He raised his head, looking up at Dan. The brown of the boyâs eyes were almost completely black, blown wide with lust. A warm smile danced at the corners of his expression.
    âSay that again,â Dan asked, hand gripping Phil as if to make sure he wasn't dreaming.
    âI love you,â Phil repeated firmly. âYou're my moon and my stars, and I'm so glad to have met you.â
    Dan smiled. âI love you too.â
 âŚ
     Thursday seemed like a good day to die.
    That was how Dan had brought the subject up to Phil, anyway. He'd gotten a punch in the arm for his phrasing, but eventually the Illuminator had agreed that yes, Thursday seemed like a good day to leave.
   Phil washed his hands, fixing his fringe in Zoeâs mirror one last time. His belt was untied around his waist, boots shoved on and unlaced. The color of both his and Danâs gear was black, and though it was probably the most sensible Phil couldn't help but see it as yet another parallel between them.
    Someone knocked on the bathroom door. With a final, appraising look, he pulled the door open. Dan stood on the other side, hand raised to knock again. He raised an appreciative eyebrow.
    âYou look nice.â
     âYou do too,â Phil said. Danâs gear was formfitting, accenting the muscles in his arms and the slenderness of his legs. His eyebrows were furrowed in worry, fingers tapping noiselessly against his thigh. Phil reached a hand up, smoothing out his forehead. âCheer up, at least weâll make nice corpses.â
     Dan rolled his eyes. âSomehow that doesn't make me feel any better. Although,â he continued thoughtfully. âA kiss might.â
     Phil shook his head fondly, pulling Dan into a quick kiss. His own nerves felt seconds away from bursting, coiled too tightly to do much else than breathe, but he had to at least pretend to be calm for Danâs sake.
    âWe should find another space and practice summoning a portal just to make sure,â Dan said.
    Phil nodded. âThat's a good idea.â He slid his hand into Danâs, pulling the other boy downstairs. Zoe was sitting at the kitchen counter, head bent over a newspaper.
    She glanced up at their entrance. âAre you leaving already?â
    âWe should head out before it gets dark,â Phil said apologetically. Zoe looked disappointed, but she smiled anyway, climbing down from her stool. âThank you once again. For everything,â Phil said. He hoped she could see how much all of this had meant, and that humanity could be kinder than heâd ever known
   Zoe pulled him into a hug. âYou're welcome once again. Good luck, and if you're ever in the area let me know.â She met Danâs eyes. âIâm glad you're feeling better, and it was nice meeting you.â
    âYou as well.â Dan hesitated a moment, before stepping forwards and giving Zoe a hug. âTell your girlfriend hello.â
     âI will.â She unlocked the door, Dan slipping past her. Phil stopped at the top of the stairs, tilting his head and looking back at Zoe. It was strange how the best people rarely knew that they were.
    âFor what it's worth,â he said softly. âI think you're already a superhero.â
    Her smile widened. âThank you Phil. So are you.â
 âŚ
     âFaster Dan.â
    âI don't want to hurt you.â
    âI trust you.â
    âAre you sure?â
    âOf course.â
    âFuck Phil, itâs harder than I thought it would be. I don't know if I can do this.â
    âHave some faith. Youâre more than capable, don't worry.â
    âIt's massive. Are you sure you'll be okayâ
    Phil dropped his hands to his sides, studying the wall in front of them. âWhy do you keep worrying about me? I'm not the one who was trapped in a burning building.â
    âThis time,â Dan corrected.
    Phil rolled his eyes, raising his hands again. âCome on, one more go and weâll take a break.â Dan mirrored his stance, light and shadows swirling together around them and moving towards the wall. Sweat courses down Philâs face as he shoved his hands forwards, his magic following.
    For a moment, nothing happened.
    An explosion rocked the ground, magic rebounding with a crash. Instinctively, Phil pushed Dan behind him. He closed his eyes, a white light searing the back of his eyelids. Then, silence.
    âIt's okay, Phil,â Dan said quietly, nudging his shoulder. âYou can open your eyes.â
    Phil cracked an eyelid open. The other followed in surprise. The wall had vanished. In its place was a glowing white light. He squinted, narrowing his eyes and trying to see past it. The vague outlines of ruined buildings and cliffs were just visible, and a grin split his face. Theyâd finally done it.
   âWe fucking did it,â Dan said, shock warring with pride. âI can't believe it.â
   Phil laughed, exhilaration mixing with adrenaline as he pulled the Iniquiter into a kiss. âYeah we did.â
    âBut how do we close it?â On a whim, Phil snapped his fingers. There was a sucking sound, and the portal snapped shut.
    Danâs mouth dropped open. âThat was literally the coolest thing I've ever seen.â
   âI feel like those superheroes human make movies about. Star Wars Trek or something?â
    âSomething like that,â Dan agreed.
    âSomehow I don't think it'll be quite as exciting.â
    âYou mean death isn't exciting?â
   âHa.â Phil elbowed him. âDon't joke about that kind of thing. I won't let you die.â
    âNeither will I,â Dan said, resting his head against Philâs shoulder. Empty promises, but they both knew it it was all they had.
 âŚ
     In Philâs opinion, there was nothing creepier than the sound of a childâs laughter. The fact that the spell had led them to an elementary school was not a comforting one, and the thought that a first grader had been behind all of the destruction was a horrifying one.
    âOf course it had to be a fucking elementary school,â Dan muttered, voicing Philâs thoughts.
    âI really hope this is where Lily decided to camp out and not that she's actually young enough to be an elementary school student,â Phil said grimly.
     âWhat happens if the banishment doesn't work?â Dan asked quietly.
     Phil chewed on his lip. âThen I guess weâll have to do what we can.â
    âHere we go,â Dan muttered. âThere better be some good legends about this afterwards.â
    âWait.â Phil grabbed the boyâs wrist, slamming Dan into the wall behind him.
    âWhat--â Danâs objections were cut off by Philâs mouth, wet and warm under his. It was far more chaste than the kisses they'd shared the night before, but more bittersweet. Dan was all he could feel and all he wanted to breath, flooding every sense until they were impossible to define. If this truly were Philâs last moments before he died, this wasn't a bad way to spend them.
    âI love you,â Dan said softly. âIf I'm going to die I'm glad it's with you.â
    âThat's a bit morbid, isn't it?â
    The boy rolled his eyes, bumping his forehead against Philâs. âSays the one joking about nice corpses earlier asshole. You know what I mean.â
   âI do. And I love you too.â Phil reached for the Iniquiterâs hand, squeezing. âYou ready?â
    Dan smiled slightly, squeezing back. âTogether.â
    Phil held his breath pushing the doors open.
    His footsteps echoed on the tiles, the hallways deserted. Danâs hand was warm and solid in his, a reminder that he was still here and still alive. They neared the last door at the end of the hall, exchanging a final glance before stepping inside. Phil had his hand ready to flick out his knives at a momentâs notice, Dan mimicking his motions beside him.
    A girl was sitting at one of the desks, feet propped up and surrounded by an assortment of different men and women. Around their waists were varying shades of purple belts, the girl wearing one that was a deep shade of plum. A collection of bright red balloons were tied to her chair, bobbing happily overhead.
   She looked up, squealing. âYou're finally here!â
   âSorry weâre late,â Dan said sarcastically. His battle axe shimmered in the darkness beside him, a heartbeat away from being fully drawn. âTraffic was hell.â Phil squeezed the Iniquiterâs hand a final time before letting go, subtly adjusting his posture so he could leap forwards at a moment's notice.
    âI thought you wouldn't come.â
    âDan took too long in the bathroom this morning,â Phil said. The boy in question scowled disapprovingly, the smile in his eyes giving him away.
     âWell weâre so glad you did,â she said, grinning maniacally. The balloons hovered in the air above her head, knocking against the lights with each gust of wind.
    âWhereâs our mum, Lily?â Phil asked steadily.
    Lily giggled. âDon't have a mummy or a daddy. Nobody to tell us no or send us far, far away.â
    Philâs voice escalated in volume. âLily!â
    âI killed them,â the girl snarled. âI ripped their throats out with my fingernails while they watched and screamed for help.â The innocent demeanor reappeared, and she blinked up at him sweetly. âI can still hear their sobbing when I close my eyes.â
    There was something completely and utterly wrong with the picture--child abandoned and alone and drunk on vengeance. Though every ounce of Phil knew he should hate her, the only feeling he can summon is that of pity.
    âI'm sorry for everything that they--that we did to you,â he said quietly. Lily tipped her head to one side, regarding him with the same lazy curiosity a cat does a mouse. âYou should never have been banished to Earth.â The truth is that he means every word. If there's one thing he knows by now, it's that no oneâs flawless and the kingdoms are no exception. He's just glad he got the opportunity to meet Dan and realize that before repeating the same mistakes.
    âYou're wrong,â Lily said calmly.
    Phil blinked. âWrong about what?â
    âYou think you're different from me. But you're not. What have you done to get here? How many people have died because of you?â
    Dan made an angry, strangled sound beside him, moving forwards. Phil reached out a placating arm, holding him in place. He appreciated the sentiment, but this was a battle he could fight on his own.
   âA lot,â he answered evenly, meeting Lily's gaze challengingly. âHundreds, maybe even a thousand. What I did was unforgivable, but it was a mistake and I'm going to spend the rest of my life making up for it. Will you?â
    She sneered. âOf course not silly.â
    âOur magic,â Dan said. âWas that you?â
    Lily tipped her head back, laughing. âWhy kill someone when they can do it themselves? You did all of this yourselves.â
    âIt doesn't have to be like this anymore,â Phil said carefully. âDan and I are going to change things and you can help us make it better this time around.
    âAw, big brotherâs all grown up,â she jeered. âBut youâre lying just like everyone else.â She motioned with her hands, and her soldiers snapped into action.
    Weapons appeared in their hands with the sound of metal being sharpened, and within seconds Dan and Phil were surrounded.
    Philâs knives materialized in his hands, and he ducked. The womanâs blade whizzed over his head. Dan spun overhead, slitting her throat. He yanked Phil to his feet. Another soldier ran towards them and Phil jerked his hand upwards. The sunlight reached out and grabbed the man, curling around his ankles and yanking him backwards. His head collided with the ground with a sickening thud. Dan gasped behind him, and without thinking Phil beheaded the soldier behind him. Surprisingly, he didnât feel guilty about it. Theyâd all made their own choices. Dan shot him a grateful smile, wincing and flexing his elbow.
    Phil parried a stab from someoneâs sword, throwing one of his knives. He turned, slashing with the other. A woman cried out, catching his leg with her dagger as she fell. Phil hissed, making a fist. His knife flew back into his hand and he dropped to the ground, rolling past a manâs attack.
    Adrenaline coursed through his brain, heightening every sense. A black, Iniquiter blade sailed towards him and he snapped his fingers. It went up in flames, the man dropping it. Dan moved to cover his back, one hand swinging his axe and the other pulling shadows out of the air.
    Phil flicked his hand to the left. The soldier beside him flew sideways, smacking others into the wall with his momentum. He reached upward, the roof cracking. With a boom it shattered, half of the room flooding with sunlight. Magic boiled to the surface, and with barely a thought the woman in front of him went up in flames. The fire spread to the person behind her, and Phil couldn't make it stop.
   Dan seemed to be having the same problem with his magic, black flames mingling with Philâs. Sweat lined Philâs forehead, and as he raised his knives the man in front of him screamed soundlessly, eyes glowing as he exploded.
    Lily snarled, slamming her hand on her desk. âEnough! Youâre all failures!â
   The soldiers froze, and Phil caught Danâs eye. The Iniquiter had a line of blood dripping from his collarbone and right forearm, but he otherwise looked unharmed. He read the question in Philâs eyes, giving a minute nod. Phil shoved his hands forward, Dan following his movements. The wall caved in in front of them, disappearing into an abyss.
    âStop!â Lily shrieked. She moved to close the portal, the hole beginning to shrink. Phil gritted his teeth together, forcing it open. Blood ran into his mouth, and light streamed from his hands. But it still wasnât enough.
    He shut his eyes, reaching for every last feeling of happiness heâd ever had. Chris, climbing through the palace window with a cupcake because âit was Philâs birthday and no one should be alone on their birthday.â
    His parents, at his coronation dinner, telling him how proud they were and that he could do anything. Someday, they'd said, you will be a great king. How much he was going to miss them, because even though their relationship had been complicated it was still theirs.
   The guards pledging their allegiance--not because he was king but because he was a good person. Alaric first showing him how to summon his knives, an encouraging voice and steady hand.
   Zoe, a warm smile and helping hand. A superhero in her own right, and according to her so was he.
   Memories of Dan and the crazy, uncomplicated way he loved him; of stolen kisses and stories whispered only to each other and the moon. Promises to come back, to never say goodbye, and that everything would be okay.
    Every molecule was alight, warmth turning to an almost unbearable heat. Love mixed with content and happiness, and instead of giving up his memories it felt more like he was sharing. This was everything Lily had lost and he had gained, and by giving them away maybe she would finally understand.
   Phil opened his eyes, and when he looked down at himself everything was glowing. He was burning hot, the air shimmering around him. The portal continued to grow despite Lilyâs attempts otherwise, Dan steadfast and firm beside him. He locked gazes with Phil, eyes glowing black. Ice was crystallizing on the ends of his hair and his gear, condensation forming where it met Philâs magic.
    Darkness and light swirled towards each other, a humming filling the room. There was a sucking sound, and the portal grew. He grabbed Danâs hand, yanking him down behind the desk instinctively. This was bigger than it had ever gotten during practice, and though they had never been pulled in then who knew what would happen now.
   He covered his eyes with his free hand, Lily screaming somewhere behind him. He curled into Dan, thoughts scattered but all of them shouting to anyone that might be listening that they'd make it out of here.
   There was a high pitched echo, a boom, and a brilliant flash of light before every bulb in the room blew out.
    Then, silence.
    Danâs breathing was ragged beside him, brown eyes wide and young. Phil got to his knees, peeking over the desk. Lily and her followers were gone, the only sign that they'd been there the destroyed school and a bright red balloon. Danâs eyes narrowed, and a brick was flying through the air, popping it.
    âI always hated those fuckers,â he grumbled.
    Phil looked at him in surprise, the sound snapping him out of his daze. Dan looked entirely too satisfied with himself, and he burst out laughing. At that Dan joined in, collapsing against Phil as he gasped for air.
    They were here, they were okay, and they could laugh. So they did.
 âŚ
     Dan and Phil stood at the entrances to Enigmaity and Illumination. The veils swirled behind them, rippling with visions of each kingdom. Philâs eyes roamed Danâs face, soaking up every last detail that he could. Hopefully this wouldn't be the end, but if it was he wanted to hold on to this moment for a long as he could.
    Dan broke first. âI guess this is goodbye,â he said quietly.
    âNo, not goodbye,â Phil said. He reached up and brushed Danâs fringe out of the way. The Iniquiter smiled back at him, and Philâs heart swelled with affection. He didn't think it was possible to love anyone more than he did right now. âSee you soon.â He reached for Danâs hand. âWhen we were summoning the portal, thinking of you made me and my magic strong enough to defeat Lily. You always will make me want to be better.â
    Dan smiled. âAs do you. Always. Iâll see you soon,â he repeated. He leaned in, lips pressing against Philâs. Their hips melted together and Phil deepened the kiss. He wrapped his arms around Danâs neck, pulling him as close as was humanly possible. Dan clutched him back, hands digging into his back with a dull hurt that was a reminder that they were going to be okay.
    Dan pulled away, eyes flashing with poorly concealed hurt. He released Phil, turning and walking towards Enigmaity. A few steps away from the veil he paused, hands curling into fists at his sides. His spine stiffened, and Phil ached to go to him. Danâs head dropped to the ground, and with a deep breath he shoved his way through the portal.
    A part of Phil left with him, leaving the rest staring after him with a lump in his throat. He shoved it down, lifting his head and looking towards Illumination. He steeled his nerves--despite everything he'd been through this was the hardest yet. Come what may, he and Dan were still fighting for each other and that was never going to change. He closed his eyes, stepping forwards.
   The warmth of the sun was the first sign that he was back, and with a great deal of trepidation he opened his eyes.
    To Philâs relief, Illumination looked identical to his memories growing up. The sun had returned to his proper hue, casting a warm light over the land, and the castle was still standing. It was anyoneâs guess how the states of affairs had been sorted out, but he could only hope a civil war had been avoided. The last thing Illumination needed was to be fighting two wars at the same time.
    He made his way up the path towards the castle, passing Alex, who looked up in shock. She pushed herself off the tree sheâd be leaning on rubbing her eyes. âYour majesty?â
    âHello,â he said, cringing as she drew her horn out of her pocket, blowing.
    âThe king has returned,â she shouted. âHe's back!â
    A stomping sound grew louder and as Phil watched a mob of Illuminators bearing various weapons charged towards him. Alex shoved him behind her, a few other of the palace guards running up to meet them.
  âStay behind us your majesty,â she warned. âIn your absence some of the Illuminators have rallied against the crown. They roam these paths every few hours, trying to overtake the castle. We havenât let that happen so far and weâre not going to now.â
     Phil kept his neutral. He'd expected this--frankly he was surprised it hadn't already happened. âLet them come.â
     She blinked. âYour majesty--â
    âCall me Phil. I know what I'm doing.â
    âAre you sure?â
    âPositive.â Positively not, but he was done hiding. The mob drew closer, a roar filling the entire kingdom. Phil swallowed, palms sweaty and shaking. There was man leading the charge, a blade sheathed at his side. He was holding a bow, and with a smooth, powerful, motion an arrow was soaring towards Phil.
    Phil ducked, throwing his hands up to shield himself. The crowd cringed backwards in anticipation. To their mutual shock, nothing happened. Phil snapped his fingers, a rudimentary trick for summoning fire heâd been able to do since he was two. Nothing. Whatever he and Dan had done with Lily, it seemed to have stripped away his magic.
    âHeâs powerless!â someone shouted. âKill him!â The guards surged forwards, swords drawn, but Phil raised a hand to halt them. He should be terrified, but he'd never felt less afraid.
   âThereâs been far too much killing!â he shouted. âItâs time we solved this peacefully, as I should've done in the first place. The rumors are true. I was on Earth tracking my parents and the person behind the attacks on our kingdom.â An outraged muttering filled the crowd, fighting coming to a halt. Somehow, he'd managed to capture their attention. Now he just had to make it worthwhile.
   âDaniel Howell was with me as both an ally and as a friend. If it werenât for the help of Iniquiters and humans alike we never would've found her. The culprit was a girl named Lily Lester, my younger sister born with Iniquiters powers. She was abandoned and shunned by both kingdoms, and the rage grew until the only thoughts she had were of revenge. She murdered my parents, the King and Queen, attacked the villages to try and turn the two worlds against each other, and heightened Danâs and my powers until they were uncontrollable.
    âThis is where our hatred and war will continue to take us if this rivalry goes on for any longer. Weâve been fighting this battle for so long we can't even remember what it is weâre fighting for. Dan and I have decided on a treaty, to forge a union amongst Illumination and Enigmaity instead of our mutual destructions. It's time to focus on our true mission--protecting humanity as we were always meant to.â
    âWhy should we believe you?â The man shouted. âYou slaughtered thousands of us! Our friends, family, my daughter--â his words stumbled to a halt, grief wracking his expression.
    âI am so sorry for what Iâve done,â Phil said quietly. He locked eyes with the man, and though the entire kingdom could hear his words they were directed to the same loss he saw in his own. âI will never be able to make up for what I did, for what I took. My magic was amplified by Lily, but I should never have let the situation escalate that much. A true ruler would've tried to resolve the situation peacefully long before. That's the kind of King I'd like to try to be if you'll have me; someone that won't let something like that happen again.â
     The man stared with an unreadable expression, his knuckles white and shaking where they gripped his weapon. It clattered to the ground and he followed soon after, face buried in his hands. Everything was silent.
     Quietly, Phil stepped towards the man. He held out his hand, waiting. Slowly, the man reached forwards. His fingers curled around Philâs, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet.
   âI'm sorry,â Phil repeated. âWill you show me what I can do to help?â
   âYes your majesty.â
   âFrom now on, please call me Phil.â The man nodded, grasping his hand before releasing it. âWill you and anyone else whoâs interested meet with me in two hours to discuss a new system of government?â
   âIt would be our pleasure...Phil. My name is Scott,â the man said. He turned back towards the assembled Illuminators. âI'll be at the fountain to prepare for this meeting, if anyone wants to come they should be there.â He gave Alex a short nod, before turning and heading up the path. The silence broke, and a large group followed Scott.
   Phil watched them leave, exhaling and feeling exhausted. He hoped things had gone as well for Dan. He looked back towards the crowd, despite himself scanning everyone for a familiar head of brown.
   âOi! Phil!â
    Before Phil could react Chris Kendall slammed into him, arms wrapping around him. Philâs grin split his face, and he hugged him back tightly. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed him or how worried heâd been until now, but it was all crashing in.
   Chris punched him in the arm. âThat's for leaving and never contacting me.â
    âI deserved that one,â Phil said, rubbing his arm. âIâm sorry for leaving the way I did. I guess I was just scared. I was afraid of what I'd done, but also that you would look at me and see...well, what Iâd become.â
   âA massive loser? Because I knew that already.â Chrisâs tone softened. âDespite what you seem to be telling yourself, this wasn't your fault. You said yourself Lily was screwing around with your magic, and there wasn't anything you could've done. I'm glad you're back. If you ever do that again you'll get worse than a punch.â
    âThanks Chris,â Phil said. He glanced around, everything seeming old and somehow new all at the same time. Or maybe it wasn't the kingdom that was different. âI'm glad I'm back, too.â
 âŚ
     The following week came with three lessons: ruling a kingdom during peace times was surprisingly stressful, Dan got clingy when they were separated for several days, and Phil didn't mind the latter in the slightest.
     Somehow, Phil had assumed that being king wouldn't be as difficult now that the war was over. He had been proven very wrong indeed.
    He, Scott, Alex, Chris, and a few others had been working to change the way the kingdom was run and distribute more power to individuals. Apparently, this had never been done successfully before, and starting a kingdom from scratch took a lot of negotiations. Not to mention the treaty with Engimaity.
   It was difficult work, but ultimately it was worth it.
   After the meetings drafting the peace treaty, he and Dan would slip away into the woods to talk. Sometimes it felt like their few shared moments were the only thing keeping Phil sane.
   It was here they found themselves now, the final document signed and Illumination and Enigmaity officially allies.
    âI can't believe we actually did it,â Phil said. âIf you'd told me two years ago I'd have negotiated a peace treaty with Enigmaity I would've called you crazy.â
    âI know,â Dan agreed. âAfter everything weâve accomplished I think this is one of the things I'm proudest of.â Phil made a noise of agreement, the two lapsing into companionable silence. âYou ever think about Zoe?â Dan asked, leaning against him. Â
   âSometimes. More than I thought I would.â
   âMe too. You think we should visit her sometime, send a thank you card or something? I don't want to forget what she did for us.â
   Phil smiled. âThat's a lovely idea.â The branches overhead cast a pattern of shadows over Danâs face, half dark and half light.
   Danâs palm pressed against Philâs, fingers curling around his. âI love you.â The admission was short and to the point, but they had never been ones for flowery speeches.
    Phil smiled. âI love you too. Have you been able to work any magic on your own?â
   Dan shook his head, shrugging. âI don't really mind, though. It's a good excuse to visit my boyfriend.â Â
     Phil raised an eyebrow, his smirk widening. âBoyfriend? Bit presumptuous, don't you think?â
    Dan rolled his eyes. âYou know. Black hair, blue eyes that make me want to wax poetry, thinks heâs hilarious but can actually be kind of an asshole sometimes.â
     âHe sounds great,â Phil said. âBut the point still stands.â
     âI suppose youâll have to do instead,â Dan teased. âWill you be my boyfriend?â
    âOf course,â Phil said, resting a hand on the side of Danâs face. âAfter all weâve been through a little distance is nothing.â
    âMy thoughts exactly.â
    âI guess it was meant to be.â
    âI guess it was.â Dan smiled, wrapping his arms around the back of Philâs neck and pulling him closer. Their lips collided, sparks lighting the air around them and dancing towards the permanent gold of Illuminationâs sun. There was an explosion, not unlike that of a firework, and then silence.
    If Dan and Phil had looked up, they would've seen that the skies in both Illumination and Enigmaity had flared with all the colors of the rainbow. Purple dusted the clouds, orange and reds dripping through yellow light. Blues weaved with white and each sight brought a gasp to the lips of the person watching. Sunset had come to the kingdoms, and it is here that Daniel Howell and Philip Lester will remain for the rest of their days.
Beta: @spaghattanadles
Artist: @pinofsâ
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 12,040
Warnings:Â emotionally abusive parents, divorce, break up, implied sex
Description: After twelve years apart, Dan and Phil are giving their relationship another go, but things are off to a rocky start. (Songfic for âGood Loveâ by Bat for Lashes)
This is the final part of the trilogy, so I suggest you read the first two parts here: Daniel and From EdenÂ
Read on AO3 / Wattpad
A/N: thank you so much to my beta and artist both. dhruv is always lovely to work with, and nikki is my absolute fav. please enjoy his art here!
He stretches out his arms toward Dan, but no one is there.
The sheets are sweaty, and they cling to his legs as he turns for the hundredth time to face the empty side of the bed. Thereâs been no one but him in this bed for months now, but he had closed his eyes and conjured a warm weight beside him and a soft sound of breathing, and for just a split second Dan had been there with him in this bed heâd never once slept in.
He opens his eyes but doesnât focus. His alarm clock is just there, across the bed from him. If he looks too closely, heâll see the time, and he doesnât want to know just how long heâs lain like this, barred from sleep by a swarm of buzzing thoughts.
Thereâs work tomorrow, and he needs to sleep, but instead of sleep there are Danâs restless fingers, picking at the hem of the shirt heâd worn that afternoon. There are Danâs fidgeting eyes, flitting their gaze toward Philâs face and away and to Philâs hands and away and towards Philâs eyes and away. There is Danâs voice, tripping and stumbling through a conversation that Phil is almost sure was dead upon arrival.
There is an aborted attempt to reach for each other at the end of the day, a shift of the shoulders, hands half-raised, a jerk of the neck to the side, and uneasy laughter.
Theyâre three months into this thing, whatever it is, and Phil is wondering if heâs kidding himself. Three months in and they canât so much as manage a hug.
He closes his eyes, breathes slowly out and in, slowly out and in, slowly out and in. He needs to just let go. All the questions will still be there when the sun comes up. He smooths a hand across the bare bed sheet, focusing on nothing but the slight tickle of the cotton against his fingertips. What if it were skin, he wonders? The warm skin of Danâs back stretched across the bed beside him. He would draw his fingers up and over the blunt jut of his shoulder blade, slide across and down the back of his arm. And Dan would squirm away and make a laughing protest.
âYou know Iâm ticklish there!â
He knew, or rather he remembered.
âYouâre one to talk. All the times youâve tickled me, and yet you dare--â
âI donât know what youâre talking about.â
He can just see the way the corner of Danâs mouth had lifted. Most of his face had been buried in one of Philâs pillows, so it was just the left side he could see. One mischievous eye scrunched up and staring at him, and the corners of the lips curled up in a smirk.
âLiar!â heâd cried and pounced, fingers digging mercilessly into Danâs sides, searching for a ticklish spot. But Dan had just lain there beneath him, body shaking with laughter.
âItâs not fair! Itâs like you turn it off when you donât want to be tickled.â
Dan had rolled onto his back unexpectedly then, smirk still in place, eyes still fixed on Phil.
âIâm sure youâll find a way to turn me back on again,â heâd said and winked.
Phil hadnât breathed for just a moment, but then Dan was reaching for him, arms open and eager, and Phil had fallen in between them, down to Dan and his parting lips and the breath he breathed into Philâs hungry mouth.
But that was ages ago. Before everything. The sheet is cold beneath his fingers, and he refuses to raise his eyelids because on the other side of them time is steadily pressing on toward the morning.
When his alarm clock sounds, there will be work. There will be stark daylight and all the questions still to be answered. Danâs name lighting up his phone with another cheerful text, âBut is it forced?â heâll wonder. âAre we just pushing on in hopes that eventually weâll get there?â You can only hold the match to the candleâs wick for so long before it burns your fingers and you have to let go.
At 6:45, the alarm goes off, and Phil, only half-asleep, grits his teeth, turns it off, and rolls out of bed.
âYou could just end it.â
âMum,â he complains, but the complaint sounds half-hearted.
âI just hate seeing you unhappy when thereâs no need to be.â
âIâm not unhappy.â
It isnât a lie. It really isnât. Now that itâs day and the street is lit with a mundane grey light and there are people bustling all around him, he can see how distorted his focus had been last night. Sure Dan had seemed nervous, but could he blame him for that? His own heart had been beating in a fluttery rhythm throughout their entire date, and it hadnât been because he was unhappy to be there. So what if they hadnât hugged? Theyâd hugged other times. This time was just--
âBut you may be soon,â his mumâs voice cuts across his thoughts from the other end of the line. âDonât blame yourself that it didnât work out this time either. Youâve given him a fair shot.â
âJust because I have doubts doesnât mean itâs not working out, Mum,â Phil retorted. He is nearing the front of his office building again, and he cringes a bit as his slightly-raised tone draws a couple of stares. Itâs just harder than I expected it to be, he wants to say, but he knows sheâll only take that as encouragement. He hadnât called because he wanted to be talked into breaking up with Dan.
âI know,â she replies at last. âI just want whatâs best for you...for both of you, really. Maybe this is a chance for both of you to finally move on.â
âI have to get back to work now,â Phil says in lieu of answering her.
She pauses, and in her silence he can hear every word she isnât saying.
âHave a nice day, love,â she tells him finally.
âThanks, Mum. I will,â he assures her and then doesnât.
Heâd like to quit dwelling on everything sheâs said, to find a way to dislodge from his brain the doubts sheâs planted there...except she really hadnât planted them there. Every word from her mouth had been a perfect echo of his own worries.
But they are only worries, he tells himself, and worrying a thing might be true doesnât make it true.
Dan is really beautiful.
Phil has this thought while sat across from Dan at a greasy Chinese food place close to Danâs flat (He hadnât wanted to go too far away just in case the girlsâ babysitter called).
Philâs stomach had been all tensed up when theyâd first walked through the door of the restaurant, and heâd struggled to start a conversation once theyâd sat down. But then Dan had started reading their Chinese zodiac descriptions off the placemats and making grade school-level jokes about the Year of the Cock, and Phil had been so busy rolling his eyes and pretending he wasnât laughing to feel nervous anymore.
And now their food has arrived, and Dan is teasing him about his less-than-adequate chopstick skills. Thereâs fried rice dribbling down his chin, and Dan is shaking his head, his mouth open in a laughing grin that shows all his teeth and squeezes his dimple into existence. And Phil canât help thinking how beautiful Dan is.
Itâs a thought that hadnât really occurred to him until now. At least, not since before.
Heâd used to be almost obsessed with Danâs beauty, all those ages ago when they were teenagers⌠Spent hours daydreaming about the color of his eyes and the shape of his lips and his broad palms⌠It had been a shock to see how much heâd changed in the past twelve years, to realize that the boy heâd so often daydreamed of was gone forever.
Itâs almost as though heâs had to grieve the loss of Dan, even while Dan has been right there with him. But maybe now his period of mourning has ended because looking at the man across the table from him, he is struck by how beautiful Dan is right now. His eyes are still that same shade that makes Phil think of endless falling, though now every time he smiles deep creases form around them that Phil knows will someday become permanent. His lips still curve in a way that makes it difficult for Phil to ignore them, though now Phil can see faint dark patches along his upper lip where stubble will appear in a few hours.
His hands are the same -- exactly the same as Phil remembers, just a little larger, his palms a little broader. When the check is paid, Phil reaches for one of those hands, and his heart drops into his stomach as he feels his own hand swallowed up inside it. Change isnât a bad thing, he thinks, as they stroll down the street, past brightly-lit shop fronts and all the other people whoâve come out to enjoy a warm summer evening in August.
They talk about going to a movie, maybe, but then Dan says heâd rather be able to keep talking, so they settle on going into an arcade they pass. Philâs disappointed it doesnât have any old games like Pac-Man or Space Invaders, but it does have a weird deer-hunting game that they play once and then quit because it feels a little too lifelike. Dan eventually wheedles him into a round of Dance Dance Revolution, which of course Dan wins.
âI donât know why I let you convince me to do that,â Phil wheezes as soon as the last song ends, as he wipes actual sweat off his forehead and leans against the back rail for support. âWe both knew there was no chance Iâd win.â
âYou enjoyed yourself and you know it,â Dan teases.
âOnly for the first two seconds or so until it felt like my lungs were going to claw their way out of my body,â Phil huffs out, clutching his chest. âSomething calmer next, please? Maybe with more sitting down?â
Dan laughs and leads him away to some driving game that is only minimally calmer but does at least let them sit down.
Phil is enjoying himself, his close brush with death-by-DDR notwithstanding. Playing video games with Dan is filling him with a rush of nostalgia, but one that is refreshingly free of regret. What does he have to regret, after all, now that Danâs beside him again, taunting him about his inferior gaming skills and then shouting advice and encouragement to him in the very next breath? This, at least, is just as it ever was.
An hour later, theyâre back on the street again, hand in hand again and wandering without really thinking of where theyâre going. It takes a while for Phil to notice theyâve made their way back towards Danâs block of flats. When they stop out front, he thinks theyâre saying good night.
So he leans in for a kiss.
It isnât the first time theyâve kissed since Dan came back. There have been plenty of other nice dates that ended in soft pecks good night.
But this time, after a moment, Danâs fingers are in his hair and his tongue is licking over Philâs lips, and suddenly Philâs breathing isnât breathing so much as it is turbulence inside his lungs, air roiled by the turmoil his heart rateâs been kicked into.
He opens his lips, and he feels Danâs other palm close over his hip and the front of Danâs body pressing into him, urgent and wanting. He knows Dan like this, hungry, insistent, fingers knotted in his hair until his scalp stings. Heâs dreamed of Dan like this, moving them steadily closer to the door, asking him upstairs without actually asking, but he finds himself pulling back. Heâd made no conscious decision to do so, but one moment Danâs close enough to feel his heart beating and the next, Philâs stepping back, forcing a space open between them.
âBut what about your daughters,â he breathes, âand the babysitter.â
Dan stares at him uncomprehending for a second. In the blue light of the streetlamps, Phil can see his pupils are blown wide and his cheeks are flushed.
âEsther and Hannah are in bed by now,â Dan says at last, blinking a few times like someone surfacing after a long dive. âIâll pay the babysitter when we get upstairs, and sheâll leave.â
Of course itâs that easy. Phil doesnât even know why he asked.
âMaybe I should go,â he says. âItâs late.â
Danâs staring at him again.
âItâs not even 11:00,â Dan says.
âThereâs work tomorrow.â
Danâs forehead wrinkles up, but then he shrugs.
âOkay. Thatâs fine.â He nods his head slowly. âI, um, I had a good time tonight.â
âYeah,â Phil nods too, summoning a smile to his lips. âMe too. Well, good night.â
âGood night,â Dan returns, and the wrinkles in his forehead havenât disappeared.
On his way home, Phil stares at the other people on the tube. He sees that the girl across the way is missing a nail from her manicure, that the man further down has a bald spot that glows dully in the stark, white light of the carriage, that two drunk kids two seats down from him have fallen asleep on top of one another, one snoring and one drooling. He makes sure to notice all of these things because it makes it easier to pretend he hadnât noticed Danâs confusion.
But why should Dan have been confused? Phil can turn him down if he wants. Phil can not be ready yet. They can keep taking things slow and getting used to one another and not rushing into it. These are reasonable explanations for his behavior this evening, and if Dan had asked, he might have said those words to him. Letâs not rush it. Iâm not ready yet. I need time to--
Heâs walking up his own street to his own flat and wondering what the end of that sentence would be -- not the one he might have tacked onto it for Dan, but the true one.
Just the thought of how Dan had kissed him this evening, with his lips and his hands and his entire body, is sending a flush of heat from Philâs face down to his abdomen. Here in the darkness of his lounge, he can easily imagine what might have come next -- the moment to compose themselves before going inside, the babysitterâs knowing expression, Dan saying he needs to peek in on the girls first, the hurried stumble through the bedroom door, the rush to get each otherâs clothes off, Danâs hands on his skin and Danâs body weighing him down -- Here in the darkness of his lounge with just himself to confess to, he can admit that heâs getting hard just imagining it.
He wants Dan. He knows he wants Dan, yet clearly thereâs some part of him that doesnât.
His phone rings the next evening, half an hour after heâs returned home from work.
When he sees Danâs name and grinning face on the screen, something inside him tenses, like a knot being suddenly drawn closed.
He tells himself to answer, tells his finger to press the green button and his mouth to say hello, but they donât. He doesnât. He lets it go to voicemail, and a minute later when his phone buzzes to let him know thereâs a new message waiting, instead of listening to it, he turns his phone off entirely and sets it down on the table in front of the sofa and goes to his room and shuts the door.
âI know itâs kind of like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted--â
âIâve never let a horse out of a stable, personally, so Iâll take your word for it,â Phil had interjected, causing Dan to cast him an annoyed glare.
âNeither have I, Phil, but you know what I mean,â heâd said, pretending to be far more exasperated than Phil knew he really was. Phil couldnât stop himself grinning. Theyâd been walking down the street hand-in-hand on their very first date since Dan had come back, and things had been going better even than heâd expected. Dan had asked a lot of questions about Philâs life now, trying to catch up on the twelve years of it heâd missed out on. Eventually the conversation had come to the present -- to the two of them and this relationship and what they were going to do about it.
âI know,â Phil had relented, nudging him a bit with his shoulder. âYour girls have been through a lot and you donât want them to get too attached to me if itâs not going to work out.â
âWell, itâs not that I donât think itâs going to work out,â Dan had rushed to say, âItâs more just⌠The only person theyâve ever seen me with was their mum, and I need to learn how to be with you myself before I can help them understand it. You know what I mean?â
âYeah, of course,â Phil had said, but also in the back of his mind, heâd added, âand in case it doesnât work out, you donât want them to get hurt again.â
Two nights later, Dan shows up at his door. As soon as he opens it to find Dan standing on the other side, he feels like the most selfish person in the world. He knows it couldnât have been easy for Dan to come here at this time of night. He must have gotten a babysitter again or asked a friend to come over to watch the girls.
Itâs on the tip of his tongue to apologize, but Dan speaks first.
âCan I come in?â He sounds as hesitant as though he were asking someone to buy him Buckingham Palace rather than simply asking his boyfriend if he can enter his flat, and Phil feels like an even bigger jerk.
âYeah, of course!â He steps back and waves Dan inside, eager to appear as inviting as he had been distant the past couple of days.
Dan steps through and walks over to his sofa, but instead of sitting down, he stares back over at Phil. Then he crosses his arms over his chest and hunches his shoulders up. Phil canât help thinking of a spring thatâs been scrunched as far down as itâll go, all that pent up energy poised and ready.
He turns away to close the door, giving himself a moment to breathe deeply and think about how to defuse the building tension.
When he turns back, he offers Dan a small smile, holding his gaze as he walks over, and then pointedly takes a seat on the couch near where Dan is stood.
âWanna sit down?â He gestures toward the space beside him.
Dan nods and sits. Phil watches as he consciously uncrosses his arms and straightens his shoulders. Heâs trying to loosen up, but the fingers of his left hand have found the hem of his t-shirt again and Phil can see how they wonât stop rubbing and pulling and stretching it.
âDid I do something wrong?â Dan says at the exact same time Phil says, âIâm sorry.â
âNo!â Phil exclaims at once, shaking his head. âItâs my fault. I donât know whatâs been wrong with me, just--â
âYouâve been ignoring my calls,â Dan insists.
âI know.â
Thereâs a pause while Dan waits for an explanation and Phil tries to think of one.
âIs something wrong?â Dan asks, almost the same question as before.
âNo,â Phil says because itâs not. Thereâs nothing wrong, nothing that he can name at least.
âAre you sure?â
Phil nods.
Dan sighs and looks away.
âIâve been worrying myself sick these past two days.â He says the words without any force or malice, but Phil still feels them like a punch in the stomach. âYou arenât upset?â He looks back at Phil again, eyes wide to catch any smallest clue from Philâs demeanor.
âIâm not. I just--â
âI thought you were upset,â Dan rushes on, sounding kind of out of breath. âI thought maybe I was forcing myself on you, because you didnât want to come upstairs, and thatâs fine. Itâs fine, Phil, of course, but I thought maybe you hadnât wanted me to kiss you at all, and Iâm really sorry if you didnât. I shouldâve thought--â
âNo, I wanted you to,â Phil protests. âI wanted to do everything with you.â
âNo, you didnât.â
âWell, I didnât, butâŚâ Philâs feeling as confused as Dan looks.
âSomethingâs wrong,â Dan states, and Phil wishes he would stop saying that. Heâs fine. Theyâre fine. This is a momentary setback, and any moment now, itâs going to strike him exactly why he hasnât been able to answer any of Danâs calls or even listen to his messages these past two days. Twelve years I waited to hear from him. He can wait two days for me to return his phone call.
But itâs not like Dan owes him or anything.
âI just needed some time to think, but Iâm fine now. Really.â
âThink about what?â Dan is relentless, and Phil is starting to find it irritating.
âJust about us. This.â He waves a hand around in the air. His heart is beating in his stomach, and itâs making him feel nauseated. âI donât know why I reacted like that the other night, Dan. Iâve been thinking about it all this time, and I still donât know.â
Danâs still staring at him, but Phil can see some of the tension easing from the corners of his eyes and lips.
âOkay,â Dan says. âItâs okay if you donât know why. I know this whole thing is...complicated. Just...I was hoping we could figure it out together.â
âWe can.â
âThen talk to me about it,â Dan pushes on. âTell me what youâre feeling right now.â
âI--â Phil says but then realizes he doesnât know what he was going to say. Heâs feeling confused and irritated, with both Dan and himself. Why canât he just be normal? Why canât he just be a normal man who kisses his boyfriend and follows him upstairs and has sex with him and is happy about it? Why does he have to feel so broken every time someone tries to love him?
In the past, there had been such an easy answer for all those questions, but now...his easy answer is sitting right here in front of him asking to know whatâs wrong.
âYes?â Dan says, a slight, encouraging smile lifting his lips.
Phil takes a deep breath.
âI think Iâm still mad at you.â
Danâs small smile fades at once.
âFor wanting to have sex with you?â
âNo, not that,â Phil shakes his head. He looks away from Danâs face. Itâs too hard to say this when he can see him still. âItâs just⌠You went away. I mean, I know it wasnât your fault. I donât blame you for that. Or...I mean. I donât want to blame you for it. I know you couldnât help it.â
âThen what, Phil?â Danâs voice comes quick and low as soon as Phil pauses.
He stands up then, his fingers sliding up into his hair as he walks to the other side of the room and back. He stops beside the sofa. He still canât look at Dan, though he can hear his breathing, deep and far too quick.
âI spent twelve years...thinking about you. Worrying about you. Itâs hard to just⌠Itâs just, suddenly youâre here, you know? And I have to stop thinking of you as this person who just...left⌠Tore my heart out and took it with him⌠And never once called me for more than a decade.â
He stops. He canât think of any more words to say, at least not ones that will be helpful.
They both wait a long time, Phil for better words to come, and Dan...probably for the same.
Itâs Dan who finally breaks the silence.
âIâve said I was sorry, Phil--â
âI know,â Phil says at once, looking down at Danâs face at last. He looks so defeated. The blood begins pounding hard behind Philâs eyes.
âThereâs literally nothing else I can do about it,â Dan says, shaking his head back and forth just the tiniest bit. âItâs not like I can go back and change things.â
âI know.â Phil feels like heâs squeezing the words out around a pile of boulders thatâs suddenly tumbled into his chest.
âIf you know, thenâŚâ Dan sighs and then lifts his shoulders and spreads his hands out before him. âIf you canât accept that, then this isnât going to work.â
Phil bites his lips. The blood in his head is pounding even harder. He canât think. He can only bite his lips and stare at Dan. I know, he wants to say, but heâs already said it too many times. Thereâs no point in saying it again, not when knowing something is so different from believing it.
At last, Danâs eyes harden up, and Phil knows heâs lost the moment. Maybe he could have still said something, a few seconds ago, to right their swiftly-tilting vessel, but now--
âOkay then,â Dan says and slaps his knees with finality. âOkay, thatâs it then.â
He stands.
Philâs arms are twitching. They ache to reach for Dan and hold him back from leaving, but if he did, what reason could he give Dan to stay? Stay...but I canât promise Iâll stop resenting you. Stay...but Iâm still angry at you for everything.
âI should go,â Dan says, and Phil doesnât disagree.
So Dan goes.
He doesnât look back at the door or make any kind of parting remarks. He just walks to the door and opens it and then closes it behind himself, and Phil can hear his footsteps echoing all the way down the stairwell outside.
Dan doesnât cry. Not on the way home and not even once heâs walked into his own flat and paid the babysitter and checked on the girls and closed himself off in his room alone.
Heâd fully expected to cry. Itâs something heâs learned to accept about himself over the years -- how quickly and easily the tears come. But they donât come tonight.
Itâs not like heâd thought everything was perfect between them. Heâd never expected things to be perfect in the first place, so when heâd felt that distance...the nearly tangible space Phil always left between them, the hesitant pauses before speaking, the half-closed doors in his eyes, heâd thought very little of it.
These things took time, he knew.
So when the other night everything had seemed perfect and Phil had laughed and joked and spoken his thoughts without a momentâs hesitation, Dan had breathed an internal sigh of relief. Theyâd finally turned the corner. They were finally getting there. And when heâd kissed Phil, heâd known that kiss. They might be older and more experienced now, but Phil still kissed the same way he had when they were teenagers desperate to tear every last bit of sensation loose from each encounter.
For a moment, they had been themselves again⌠Or rather, heâd deluded himself into believing they were themselves again.
Heâd been forgetting that those selves heâd been so desperately searching for were phantoms at best. Like a word written down and scratched out and written on top of a dozen times over. Maybe somewhere there, under all that scribbling, the paper still bore some impression of the original idea, but to anyone hoping to find it, it was as good as gone. No matter how immanent and real his memories made it feel. No matter how much of the past he could taste on Philâs lips.
Nostalgia should come with a warning label, he thinks as he rolls over in bed and yanks the duvet over himself: Objects in memories may be farther than they appear.
Nothing shocks him more than the voicemail he listens to on his phone the following afternoon.
He still hasnât cried. He thinks this must be some kind of personal record for him. Back when he and Maria were still together, he used to cry every single time they fought. He doesnât know what is different with Phil. He thinks it must be because heâs just not as invested. The relationship is barely three months old, at least in its current version, whereas he and Maria had spent a full nine years together. Three months is nothing, not when heâs got two children whose happiness and health take up the vast majority of his energies. He doesnât have time to be upset that things didnât work out with Phil.
Or so he hopes, as he drops the girls off that morning, Esther at her school and Hannah at hers. Theyâd both been chatty at breakfast, eager to tell him all about the fun evening theyâd spent with their babysitter. Her name is Funmi, and heâd found her through a local agency. She is a university student studying primary education, and she is, frankly, a god-send. Heâd been lucky that sheâd been available on such short notice last night.
âDid you know that âastronomyâ means learning about space and stars and things?â Esther tells him as she carries her cereal bowl over to the sink.
âDoes studying space and stars sound interesting to you?â Dan asks dubiously as he helps her climb up on the step stool and start washing up. Estherâs wanted to be a singer like her mum for as long as sheâs been able to speak. He almost canât imagine her doing anything else.
âNo,â she states flatly, shrugging, âbut it was one of the vocabulary words Miss is making us memorize.â
It startles him a bit, hearing his daughter refer to her teacher as âMiss.â Theyâd started back at school only this week, and up until now, Esther had called her teacher Ms. Brooks. She must have picked up the habit of calling her âMissâ from the other kids in her class. It sounds a little odd in her American accent, though that is beginning to change as well.
âDid Funmi practice your vocabulary words with you?â
âMm hmm!â Esther nods, grinning and then jumping down to dry her hands.
âIs it my turn?â Hannah calls from the kitchen table, and Dan looks over to see her wiggling in her chair, bowl clutched precariously between her hands.
âYep!â he smiles, gesturing her over. It takes more time (and more help from her dad) for Hannah to get her bowl clean, but when she hops down and dashes off to her room, she is grinning too. Sheâd already shown him the drawings she and Funmi had made together last night, now proudly displayed on the refrigerator.
The girls are both doing so much better than they had been even a month or two before. They seem happy and adjusted, and maybe itâs good that things with Phil are over now. He canât deny heâd been worried about what would happen when he finally sat the girls down and explained that their dad had a boyfriend. One of Estherâs classmates had two mums, so that at least had given him a natural opportunity to answer some of their questions about who could marry whom. They are young enough that they hadnât been particularly fazed by the concept, just curious. He isnât so sure they would remain so unperturbed if one of the persons in question were their own father, though.
But there is no need to worry about such things anymore, at least not for the time being. The girls will have more space and time to settle in, to get comfortable with the idea of their dad not being with their mum, and he will have more energy to devote to them. It really is the best thing for all of them, now that he thinks of it.
And that must be the reason why he hasnât shed a single tear over this. Itâs for the best. Itâs what he really wanted all along. And he certainly isnât harboring a single hope that Phil just needs time to think through his feelings before moving forward. That canât be it.
Heâs at the studio, stopped for a break after several long hours of recording, when he checks his phone and sees the missed call and the voicemail. Philâs name is just casually shining up at him from the screen of his phone, and suddenly the tears are right there, stinging the edges of his eyes and clawing at the insides of his throat.
âIâll be back in a few,â he tosses over his shoulder, not waiting to make sure anyone has heard him before he dashes out into the hallway and down to an old studio he knows isnât likely to be in use right now.
âHey. Itâs me,â he hears Philâs voice say on the other end of the phone as he fumbles across the gloomy room for a chair to sit on. He hears a ragged breath on the other end of the line, and the sound is enough to bring the tears rushing down his own cheeks. He finds a chair and sinks into it, and Phil says, âIâm really sorry. I shouldnât have...said⌠I was wrong, Dan. Iâm really sorry. Can I⌠I guess you probably donât want to talk to me right now, but Iâd like to⌠I mean, if you can meet me somewhere after work. Or later. Just...whenever you can. Please.â Phil pauses, and Dan can hear a muffled sound on the other end, like another voice speaking in the background. Itâs the middle of the day. Phil must have been calling from his office. âIâm so sorry, Dan. Please call me back.â
Thatâs the end of the message.
Heâs full on sobbing now, but thatâs okay. Theyâre more tears of relief than anything.
He sends Phil a text because his break is almost up, and he needs to get back.
at the studio right now. iâll give you a call later.
He wants to type so much more. iâm sorry too, that i ever hurt you. iâm sorry i waited so long to find you again. thereâs no need to keep crying. youâre already forgiven.
He can hear the difference in his playing once he gets back to the studio. Heâs recording with an R&B artist today, and he can tell everyone else in the studio hears the difference too, by the raised eyebrows and sidewise glances he gets. Heâs never been able to play without baring everything he happens to be feeling at the moment. He knows itâs a weakness, and sometimes it hurts his playing, but today⌠His heart is soaring and his blood is burning through his body like itâs been lit on fire, and he can hear the flames in the notes too as they leap and sizzle from inside the piano to heat the air of the stuffy studio.
âThat was some fine playing,â one of the producers tells him at the end of the session as heâs heading out the door.
âThank you.â He grins as he steps outside, already pulling his phone from his pocket.
Thereâs no response from Phil, but when he opens up the conversation, he can see that Phil had read his message just a couple of minutes after heâd sent it.
He calls his friend Lucy first and breathes a sigh of relief when she says sheâd be happy to pick the girls up after school and watch them for an hour or two. He has to call each school after that as well, to notify them that someone other than their dad will be signing the girls out.
When he finally calls Phil, he isnât surprised that he only gets Philâs voicemail. Phil will still be at work for another hour or so.
âHi. Itâs me. Iâll meet you at your office when you get off work,â he says. âMaybe we can get coffee or something. Iâll see you then.â
He keeps his tone neutral. He canât let on how hopeful he is, how much excitement and expectation Philâs message has woken in him.
Heâs waiting on the pavement just outside of Philâs office building at 5:00 that afternoon, just as he always used to, and itâs funny that heâs already feeling nostalgia for something that happened a mere three months ago. And anyway, what is there about lurking outside your ex-loverâs office building to be nostalgic about? It sounds damn creepy now that he looks back on it.
Phil walks out at exactly 5:04, eyes casting about until they fall on Dan.
âHey,â Dan says.
âHey,â Phil replies, lips jerking up for a moment in a quick almost-smile. âThereâs a Costa right around the cornerâŚâ
Dan nods and by tacit agreement, they both turn and begin heading toward the coffee shop.
âIâm really sorry,â Phil blurts out before theyâve taken more than two steps. âWhat I said was really wrong. I shouldnât have said it.â
Dan stops and turns to look at Phil, who had been just a pace behind.
âYou should have said it,â he counters. Theyâre stopped in the middle of the pavement, and people are pointedly going around them, so he reaches out and tugs Phil gently toward the side of a building. âYou have to be honest with me, Phil.â
âI know,â Phil dashes a nervous glance to the side as a cluster of people dressed in business attire pushes past them. âThatâs why I shouldnât have said it. I⌠I mean, I wasnât lying. I was trying to be honest, but it was wrong. It was actually wrong. I donât think that Iâm⌠I mean, I donât think thatâs really it. Iâm not still mad at you.â
Dan raises his eyebrows.
âOkay, what really is wrong, then?â
Phil takes a deep breath, blows it out through his lips. He looks like heâs gathering his forces for a speech, but then someone jostles his shoulder as they brush past, and he darts another glance at the crowds.
âLook, I donât think this is the best place for this,â he says.
Dan canât help but agree.
âYou wanna come over to mine instead?â Phil offers.
Dan is about to point out that the coffee shop is only a few steps away, but it is late afternoon, and workers are pouring out of the buildings around them in a rush to get home from their work day, and anywhere they go is likely to be full to the brim with people.
âYeah, all right,â he agrees.
Itâs an awkward ride for the both of them. Every car is full, and theyâre forced to stand, bodies squished together by the crowd of people around them. Dan can feel the rough cloth of Philâs jacket rubbing against his chest with every sway and jostle of the train. And of course thereâs their interrupted conversation, hanging tense and unresolved between them. Danâs dying to know what Phil had been planning to say, and at the moment he canât even look at Philâs face to study it and try to guess. At least Phil lives only a few stops away.
Heâs been over to Philâs place a handful of times in the past few months. Already it is becoming familiar. He doesnât have to pay attention as he follows him blindly to his door and inside and to the sofa, which is probably a good thing as he only has eyes for Phil.
He gives him just a moment to get settled before he presses on.
âSo, whatâs going on, then?â
Philâs looking up at him, meeting his gaze at last, and within Philâs eyes he can see the fear so plainly now. Itâs taken him all these months to even begin to learn to read Phil again, but now itâs all there, laid bare before him.
âWhen you leftâŚâ Phil stops and takes a deep breath, drawing his forces about him again. âIt was awful, Dan. I couldnât sleep. I couldnât eat. All I could think about was talking to you again.â
Dan nods.
âI know,â he sighs. âIâm sorry I hurt you. I wish Iâd contacted you sooner--â
âNo, not that,â Phil says, waving his hands. âI mean, when you left last night.â
âOh,â Dan says.
âAfter you left, I just⌠I was so afraid that you would never come back. I realized I was so terrified of losing you⌠I wasnât mad at you at all, Dan. Iâm just...terrified of messing up and losing you again.â
âThen...why did you say you were mad at me?â Dan asks slowly.
âBecause I thought I was,â Phil says at once. âAll I could think about was how much it hurt when I lost you before⌠Thatâs what I always think about.â Phil frowns and then lets out an exasperated sigh. âBecause this is what I do in relationships, Dan. I start to get happy. I start to enjoy them, and then I get scared. I get scared that if I get invested again, Iâll get hurt again, so I find some way to fuck them up.â
âSo thatâs what the other night was?â Dan asks, eyebrows raised again. âYour way of fucking things up so I couldnât hurt you again?â
Phil gives a helpless little shrug.
âI guess.â He pauses, breathing in and out once. âBut usually once the other person is gone, I just feel sad and kind of relieved. Or angry with myself for not being able to try harder. But with you...I was so afraid you werenât going to come back,â he says again. âI just kept thinking of anything I could say or do to get you to come back.â
âWell, Iâm here,â Dan states, spreading his hands open. They both see right away that the gesture is a challenge. So Philâs gotten what he wants. Dan is here. And what is Phil going to do about it?
Phil looks down at the two empty palms for a moment before shifting his gaze back up to the face of their owner.
âWhy did you come back?â he asks. âI thought you wouldnât want to talk to me ever again.â
Dan considers. The truth is heâd come back because heâd thought this was about him. Heâd thought it was about his mistakes, the ways that he had wronged Phil. Heâd thought he would come here and Phil would set a penance for him, some way he could fix things, make up for the past. And maybe that was fucked up -- that heâd been so eager to come here and crawl on his knees and beg Phil to take him back -- but it wasnât any less fucked up than Phil making him beg in the first place.
But now here he is, and Phil isnât asking him to beg. Phil is asking him to forgive. He is asking him to accept that they are both a little broken, that this whole relationship is a little broken. And maybe he is asking him to accept that there isnât really any way to fix it. Because they are both so invested already -- god, how could he have deluded himself that he wasnât already up to his neck in Phil -- and no matter how much it hurts to be together, they are both convinced it would hurt more to stay apart.
He shakes his head. They canât go on this way. If nothing else, he has to keep himself sane for Esther and Hannahâs sake.
So why is he still here?
âI came back,â he tells Phil at last, âbecause even after everything you saidâŚâ He pauses and looks up into Philâs eyes that are fixed on him like heâs a judge about to read a verdict. âEven after that, I still couldnât wait to see you again.â
Phil is still staring at him, but his eyelids have fallen a little lower and his lips have parted to show just a hint of their moist inner edge.
âYou couldnât?â Phil breathes out.
Dan shakes his head. This is madness. All of it is madness. But thereâs a surge of something rising in him, something thatâs urging him toward Phil -- all the worry and anxiety of these past few days has welled up within him, transformed into the profoundest feeling of relief and affection and hope and desire and--
âI think Iâm in love with you,â he tells Phil. âAgain,â he adds, with the tiniest breath of laughter.
Philâs eyes drop completely closed, squeeze shut tight for a moment as a smile twitches onto his lips.
âYeah,â he says, âYeah, me too.â
When Dan kisses Phil this time, it is full of all the same urgency as before, the same want, the same hurry. But this time there are no stairs or front door or babysitter to slow them up.
Philâs hands are pulling at Danâs jacket, and Danâs fingers are fumbling at the buttons down the front of Philâs shirt. Theyâre both half-naked before they notice how narrow the sofa is and Phil suggests theyâd enjoy themselves more if they moved to his bedroom.
Itâs just like Dan remembers, but better. Phil is just as gentle as heâd ever been, but heâs no longer the fumbling teenager still learning how everything works. Dan doesnât have to teach Phil what to do anymore or worry that heâs moving things too fast -- though he has learned, in the intervening years, that faster isnât always better. Heâs learned patience, moderation, the exhilaration of a slow build.
Not that either of them is in the mood for slow this evening.
Phil has Dan on his back with his jeans on the floor and his pants around his knees within minutes. His mouth is here while his hands are there, and Dan lets himself go in the feeling of it, lets every concern slip away as though he is dissolving into Phil and the sound of Philâs voice whispering in his ear how often heâs dreamed of doing this, how long heâs waited for this moment. How long they both have waited for it -- not the sex so much as the closeness. And when Phil sinks down onto him, the little moan he lets out is almost too much. Danâs hands are impatient, holding, squeezing, urging them both on toward their highs. When Dan finally reaches his, itâs like everything dark inside him is whited out for a moment, like Phil has found a way to scour his insides perfectly clean, and heâs looking up at Philâs face with the clearest vision he thinks heâs had in years.
Phil lays his head on Danâs chest afterward, and Dan can feel the flutter of Philâs heart against his abdomen. He reaches up and strokes Philâs hair. Itâs so soft and fine, runs through Danâs fingers so easily, like water. He doesnât remember them ever doing this before, Phil lying on him like this with one of Danâs arms around his sweat-dampened back and the other reaching up to play with his hair. And Dan thinks that, for once, theyâve managed to do something new.
âItâs been a long time since Iâve done that,â Dan murmurs after a while.
âHad sex with a man?â Phil murmurs back, his lips tickling the bare skin of Danâs chest.
Dan lets out a quick snort of laughter that makes Philâs head shake.
âNo, not that. Right after the divorce, I kind of⌠You know, it was like a big âfuck youâ to my parents and the church and Maria and everything.â He pauses, lets out another, slightly more bitter laugh. âNo, I meant⌠Itâs been a long time since Iâve...um, made love, I guess.â
âOh,â Phil says. Dan canât see his face, and he kind of wishes he could right now. âItâs been a long time for me too.â
âI love you,â Dan says, because itâs true, and he can.
âI love you,â Phil says back, and the words sound simple and sincere. Dan feels that thing surging in his chest again, like heâs riding on the crest of an endless wave.
âI need to tell you something,â he says. He feels so brave and whole at this moment, like nothing can touch him, so he thinks this is the moment to say it. âI love you so much, and I want you in my life, but...my girls are the most important thing in the world to me. They need me to be there for them. They need steadiness and stability...and Iâve had a difficult time providing that for them these past few days.â
He pauses to give Phil a chance to take in what he is saying. Phil uses the moment to push himself up, planting an elbow either side of Dan so he can look down into his eyes. His serious expression seems at odds with the flush across his cheeks and the ruffled state of his hair.
âI know,â Phil says. âIâm sorry.â
Dan raises a hand and brushes his fingers over the faint pink along Philâs cheekbone.
âI need to know that, if weâre going to do this, if weâre going to try this thing again, youâll help me be what Esther and Hannah need me to be.â
Phil nods, a quick movement of the head up and down. He looks eager, his expression wide open for once.
âI want to help you with that, and with everything. I want...I want this to be real. I want to be in your life in a real way.â
Danâs lips spread in a smile.
âI want that too,â he says and pulls Philâs face down to his chest again.
Heâs taking a chance, he thinks, trusting Phil not to sabotage things between them again. But of the two of them, Dan is the one who finds it easier to trust. If one of them is going to believe in this relationship, he thinks it will probably have to be him.
Phil meets Danâs daughters for the second time two weeks later. The four of them meet at the London Zoo and spend a Saturday afternoon weaving in and out of the crowds and enjoying the animals. Both of the girls are cautious at first. Dan hasnât told them yet that he and Phil are dating, so they know him as nothing more than their dadâs old friend who once showed up at their front door for no apparent reason.
It takes most of the day for them to warm to him, with Hannah clinging close to her dadâs side and Esther eyeing the newcomer with close scrutiny. But a couple of ice cream cones and a lively debate about the competing charms of giraffes and penguins later, Hannah has relaxed enough to reach for Philâs hand instead of her dadâs when a passing stranger startles her, while Esther has already gotten to work trying to charm him into becoming her latest fan.
He and Dan share a glance as they part ways at the entrance to the zoo that evening. Thereâs a glow of happiness lighting Danâs face, despite the lines of weariness worn into it from a day spent dealing with two energetic girls. His expression stirs something in the pit of Philâs stomach, something almost like panic but also excitement. Things are going well, and so far, Phil isnât feeling any urge to run.
He tells his mum about it the following afternoon when she rings him for her weekly check-in.
âThey seemed to like me well enough,â Phil explains as he lounges on his sofa and browses his favorite shopping site.
âHis daughters?â his mumâs voice asks from the other end of the line.
âYeah, Esther and Hannah. Iâve told you about them before, right?â
âYou have.â She pauses. Then, âIâm surprised heâs had you meet them so early on.â
âWell, I kind of already met them once, back when we first found each other again,â Phil says. âAnd weâve not told them weâre dating yet. We figured itâs best to let them get to know me first.â
âYes, that probably is for the best,â she says. âItâs always better to be careful when there are children involved.â
âMm hmm,â Phil hums, half of his attention off his mumâs words and on the foot-massager shaped like a pair of monkeys that his favorite online shop has on sale at the moment. Danâs birthday has already passed, and Philâs isnât for another four months⌠Maybe he could buy it as a birthday gift for his brother?
âI hope you arenât taking that too lightly,â she adds after a moment, and his attention snaps back to her.
âOf course Iâm not,â he says, a little surprised by his own indignance. âI know that whatâs best for the girls comes before...well, anything else. Dan and I are in agreement on that.â
Thereâs a much longer pause on his motherâs end this time, and then he hears a noise that he is quite sure is a sniffle.
âAre you crying?â he asks.
âNo, no,â she answers at once, but her voice has gone a little hoarse. âJust...got a little misty-eyed. You sounded just like a parent right then.â
The response Phil had been thinking up freezes in his throat. He wonders if she really means it. Sheâs mentioned on more than one occasion that she thinks heâd made a great father, but heâs always assumed that was nothing more than a way of hinting that sheâd like to become a grandmother soon. Even a mild hint like that from his mum had always caused him panic in past relationships. Fatherhood meant settling down, planning long-term. It meant permanence, and every single relationship Phil has ever been in has been anything but. Yet here he is, promising Dan to make things work, to put his daughtersâ needs above the terror he feels every time he contemplates the future.
His motherâs words are still simmering in the back of his mind five days later when he gets an unexpected call from Dan at 8:00 in the evening. Theyâd been on another outing with the girls the day before, just a short trip to the park with a picnic dinner and some dedicated playground time, and he and Dan had texted throughout the day today as theyâd begun to do regularly. Dan had told him he was hoping for a quiet Friday evening at home, so it surprises Phil to see his phone lighting up with Danâs name.
âHey,â he says, answering almost immediately.
âHey, are you free now?â Dan asks at once.
âYeahâŚâ Phil says, frowning to himself. âDo you want to come over?â
âNo.â Dan sounds distracted. Thereâs a pause, and Phil can hear a small voice in the background -- Hannah, he thinks. Then he hears Danâs voice answering, slightly distant, âYes, just give me a moment, okay? Sorry about that,â he says directly into the phone again. âSomethingâs come up, and...I was wondering if you could come over to watch the girls for me. I tried Funmi and Lucy and everyone I could think of, but no oneâs free on such short noticeâŚâ
âOh, um,â Phil says, suddenly nervous. Dan wants him to watch his daughters...alone? Philâs never taken care of kids by himself before. The idea of it sounds...intimidating. But Dan sounds desperate, so, âOkay. Yeah, I can⌠Do you need me to come right now?â
âIf you can,â Dan shoots back immediately. His voice has gone lower, and from the lack of background sounds, Phil thinks he might have moved to a different room. âI got a call a half an hour ago⌠From Maria. Sheâs here, in London.â
Philâs jaw drops a little.
âI donât remember you mentioning she was going to visit,â he says slowly.
âYeah, I donât remember her mentioning it either,â Dan mutters. Then he lets out a short sigh. âI donât know when she arrived, but she called and said sheâs here in a hotel and wants to see the girls, andâŚâ He pauses for a long time, long enough for Phil to sense the worry in him. âIâm going to go talk to her first,â Dan finally says.
âRight,â Phil nods. âIâll be there as soon as I can.â
âThank you,â Dan sighs into the phone. âReally, youâre a lifesaver.â
âDonât mention it,â Phil mumbles and hangs up.
He knocks on Danâs door at 8:43. Dan opens it with a tear and snot-streaked Hannah on one hip, Esther behind him with arms crossed over her chest, and hair that looks like itâs had a good working-over from his fingers.
âThank god youâre here,â Dan says, pulling the door wider and stepping back to let Phil in.
âWhyâs he here?â Phil hears Esther demand, and has to suppress a grimace. And here heâd been thinking the girls were starting to warm to him. âWhere are you going?â
âI told you that I would explain later,â Dan calls over his shoulder as he carries the sobbing Hannah back into the living room. âPhil is helping me out by staying here with you two since I need to go out. Iâll be back just as soon as I can, but in the meantime, Phil will be here to help you with anything you need, okay?â
Phil looks down at Esther and smiles while Dan attempts to shush his younger daughter and set her down on the sofa. Esther glares up at him but then gives a curt nod.
âAnd youâre going to help Phil with anything he needs since he may not know where to find things, right?â Dan says as he peels Hannahâs arms from around his neck. She begins sobbing louder, and he transfers his attention to her. âShh, shh, Iâll be back soon, okay, baby? You can stay up until I get back if you want to, okay? And Iâll be sure to tuck you in then.â
Hannahâs sobs subside a little, though she makes no response. Her sister comes over and sits on the sofa next to her, placing an arm around her small shoulders.
âThank you, Esther,â Dan says, standing upright again and rubbing a little at his back. Hannah is getting a little too big to be carried, but this is an emergency. âYouâre being such a great help to me right now.â
He steps back and then meets Philâs eyes. Phil swallows down his rising panic and gives his boyfriend a reassuring nod.
âOkay,â Dan says, looking back at the girls, Hannah hunched over and hiccupping a little while her older sister rubs her back. âIâll be back in just a couple of hours. Phil has my phone number and will call me if you need me.â He pauses, then bends over and drops a kiss on each of their heads. âI know I can count on you to take care of Phil while Iâm gone.â
âYes, Daddy,â Esther says. Hannah sniffles a little and rubs at her nose.
Dan steps away from them and motions Phil toward the door again.
Once there, he begins murmuring instructions in a quick, fluent undertone.
âEmergency numbers are on the fridge. Iâll text you the hotel address as soon as Iâm in the taxi. Theyâve both eaten, and itâs almost Hannahâs bed time. If she falls asleep, you can take her to her room, but let her stay up if she wants.â He pauses, takes a deep breath. âItâs probably best to find something to distract them. I made the mistake of letting them see how worried I was, and...well, you can see the result.â He shakes his head a bit and reaches for the door. âIâll be back as quick as I can.â
âDonât worry about us. Just leave it to me,â Phil says, amazed at how confident he sounds.
Dan gives him a brief smile, nods, and then heâs out the door.
Phil heads back into the living room to find the girls still sat there on the sofa. Esther looks up when he walks in, eyes slightly slitted as though she taking his measure. He clears his throat. Remember, theyâre more afraid of you than you are of them⌠Wait, no, thatâs not kids, thatâs snakes.
âSo,â he says, making his best attempt at a friendly grin, âif I remember correctly, weâre due for a re-match at Mario Kart.â
Itâs close to 11:00 when Dan finally leaves the hotel and hails another taxi. The way the taxi driver stares at him as he climbs in makes him wonder if he looks as beat down as he feels. Less than two hours spent in Mariaâs presence, and he remembers in a very distinct and immediate way exactly why their marriage had ended. There had been a lot of crying on her part, and ranting about how ungrateful their former fans were. Apparently the rebranding hadnât exactly gone to plan. Sheâd come to London, she had said, to center herself...to see her family, her girls, and remind herself of who sheâd used to be, who the fans had used to love.
âWhere are the girls?â sheâd demanded the moment heâd set foot in the massive hotel room sheâd reserved for herself. She always had been a conspicuous consumer. âDid you bring them with you?â
âItâs too close to their bedtime,â Dan had reasoned. âI left them with a friend for now so that we could talk, just the two of us. So...what are you doing here?â
And that was when the tears had come. Sheâd stood there in the center of her gilded hotel room, back straight and head high, her tiny 5â4â frame swathed in a silk floral caftan, and sheâd burst into beautiful tears that had left shining tracks in her thick foundation.
It had taken all of Danâs skill at cajoling to soothe her, to get her to have a seat on the brocade-covered divan while he brought her a box of tissues and a sparkling water from the mini bar. And then it had taken all of his powers of diplomacy to convince her that he wasnât interested in taking a tour of the hotel bed (âJust for old timeâs sake?â) without causing her to dissolve into another round of tears. Somehow heâd managed to forget Mariaâs tendency to throw herself at someone when she was feeling low.
But at last heâd managed to extricate himself with a promise that heâd bring the girls to see her tomorrow, that theyâd go out and do something together, as a family. Heâd had to grit his teeth over the word, keep himself from sharply reminding her how happy sheâd been to pass off her parental duties just five months ago. But heâd held his tongue, if only because he could distinctly picture Hannah, tear-stained eyes droopy with sleep, stubbornly refusing to let herself drift off until her dad had come to tuck her in.
âI canât wait to see my girls again,â Maria had exclaimed as she ushered him out the door, her black eyes shining once again with tears. âIâm sure theyâve missed me almost as much as Iâve missed them.â
âIâm sure they have,â he had murmured before hurrying out the door. Heâd been afraid that if heâd seemed to linger, she might get the idea that heâd changed his mind about staying.
But now here he is in the taxi, pulling up outside his block of flats, and heâs paying the driver and getting out. Heâs walking up the stairs, his whole body aching with a weariness that has as much to do with being emotionally drained as physically so. He puts his key in the door and pushes it open, pulling it quietly shut behind him before trudging down the corridor toward the living room. He can hear the sounds of a movie playing with the volume turned down low -- Beauty and the Beast, he thinks. He smiles a little to himself. Someone had finally managed to convince Esther to watch something other than Frozen. Apart from the movie, the flat sounds quiet, no crying, no arguingâŚ
He reaches the door to the living room and stops. There they are on the sofa, his two girls, curled up and fast asleep, each with a head on one of Philâs knees. Phil himself is sat in the center, a hand on each girlâs back, his gaze fixed on the movie that only he seems to be watching. There is a slight smile curling the corners of his lips, and Dan thinks he looks...content.
Dan has to step back around the corner again, back into the corridor where no one can see, because suddenly the tears are coming, quick and sharp.
More than a dozen years ago, heâd fallen in love with a boy -- a boy with wary eyes and bruises on his cheeks and a seemingly endless capacity to be amazed by the world around him. Heâd fallen in love with a boy who, beyond his own ability to understand why, had fallen in love with him back, and for a few, brief months the two of them had lived in paradise.
Six months ago, heâd found a man, eyes made warier by having experienced paradise and then lost it. And it had seemed the man Dan had loved had lost that quality that Dan had once cherished the most -- that willingness to open himself up to the world, to take it in and savor it, to let it change him as it would.
All the way home from Mariaâs hotel, Dan had thought about how grateful he was to Phil for helping him out this evening, for showing he was someone Dan and his girls could rely on. But standing here in his own front corridor, swiping tears from his cheeks, he knows that Phil is lucky to have them too.
He wakes in the middle of the night, in a room that is warm and full of the soft sounds of breathing. There is a body in the bed beside him. He isnât awake, but he knows he is not alone. His hand almost feels like it wants to reach out and take hold of the person beside him, but he doesnât. There is no need.
He stretches out his arms and stands from his desk. Itâs warm here in the office, hot even. Heâs spent much of the day wishing heâd worn a short-sleeved shirt to work. But the weather app on his phone tells him itâs a chill 5 C outside right now, so he grabs his coat and carries it over his arm all the way down in the lift to the lobby. When he reaches the front door of his building, the glass is spattered with drops of rain, glowing faintly white under overcast skies. He shrugs on his coat, steps outside, and raises his umbrella. Thank goodness Dan reminded him to take it with him this morning.
The tube is packed as usual, and bundled up in his winter raincoat as he is, itâs far too warm inside the crowded carriage, but the ride to their flat is blessedly short. When he and Dan had decided to move in together six months ago, theyâd been fortunate enough to find a place that was relatively near his office without costing an arm and a leg. It had more space for the girls, too, which had been one of the main reasons theyâd decided to look for a new place. They have a playroom now, with plenty of space for Hannah to sit and paint or Esther to pretend she is on stage in a sold-out arena.
Itâs odd, he thinks to himself as he squeezes out of the carriage and onto the platform at their home station, but if youâd asked him eighteen months ago about what he had planned for the near future, it would never have even crossed his mind to suggest he might be a parent of two.
Well, he isnât their parent in any legal sense, but he helps Hannah brush her teeth in the mornings and helps Esther with her homework in the evenings, and he is the one who always claps and cheers the loudest at the end of Estherâs vocal performances, and the one who had insisted Hannahâs art be framed and hung on the bare walls of their new place. And Hannah has taken to calling him Papa. Esther still refers to him as Phil, but there is no malice in the distinction.
When Dan had finally sat his daughters down and explained to them that he and Phil were dating, Esther had rolled her eyes and said, âDuh, Dad,â and Hannah had just giggled. And when Dan and Phil had both sat down with the girls and explained that Phil was going to stop spending the night so often and instead just live with them all the time, theyâd both jumped and yelled as though theyâd just been told they were getting a second Christmas. (And as a matter of fact, as much new furniture and decorations as theyâd each gotten with the move, it might as well have been a second Christmas.)
He steps under the overhang that shelters the front entrance of their building and shakes the rain from his umbrella. Itâs an especially cold November, and London is just as rainy as ever. He shivers a little and then ducks inside, glad to be in out of the wet.
The girls seem happy to have him around, but he does wish sometimes, for their sake, that their mum would come to visit again. It had been tough for all of them, that sudden visit of hers, disturbing the comfortable pattern their lives had begun to settle into. For months after, the girls had asked nearly every week when their mum would come to London again. Dan had called and emailed, even offered to take all three of them to Florida to see her, but somehow she always seemed to be too busy. Eventually, the girls had stopped asking.
He pauses outside the door of their flat, stamping his feet on the welcome mat to shed some of the drops of rain that cling to his shoes. He slips out of his coat too, shaking it out a little onto the absorbent mat.
Two Novembers ago, he never could have guessed that parenthood was just around the corner, or love, or happiness. He never could have guessed that anything at all was there.
His key makes a satisfying click in the lock. Itâs always good to be home again, he thinks.
âSurprise!â
Heâs only halfway through the door when the word stops him in his tracks.
âWe baked a cake,â he hears Esther exclaim, and then he registers the scene in front of him. Dan is knelt on the floor in front of him, cake balanced on both palms, with Hannah reaching up both her own hands to steady the plate that holds it and Esther off to one side, arms flung out as though she is an emcee introducing a star. A grin takes over his face, and he meets Danâs eyes, which are shining with happiness andâŚ.nervousness?
Thatâs when he notices that thereâs something spelled out on the cake in icing, the handwriting so messy he isnât sure whether Dan has written it or Hannah: âWill you make us a family a four?â
He blinks for a moment, feeling a stinging at the backs of his eyes. The âOâ in the word âfourâ isnât icing. Itâs a ring, a simple platinum band.
Phil reaches up and brushes away a tear, and nods.
A/N: Here it is, my PBB 2016 fic. It has been a long and crazy adventure. I canât believe itâs finally done.
First, I would like to thank @phangirlingforphan. Lily, youâre so amazing. Thank you so much for stepping up in the eleventh hour and getting me to where I needed to be. I have seriously loved working with you. I cannot thank you enough for all your help, support, and encouragement.
Secondly, I would like to thank @howellsankles. Navvy, youâre completely amazing. Iâm so in love with your art which I tell you all the time it feels like. Youâve been a doll and a peach to work with. I canât thank you enough for choosing my fic to do art for.
Thirdly, I would like to thank @amandapants. Amanda, have I told you how wonderful and amazing you are? I canât thank you enough for all the love and support that youâve given me. Even when you didnât have a clue what was going on, you still pushed me through it. For that, Iâm grateful.
Finally, I would like to thank all my wonderful lovelies. You guys are the reason I do anything. Without you guys, there wouldnât be this blog and I wouldnât be writing like I am. I cannot express my gratitude to you guys enough.
Word Count: 11,854
Warning: Smut, Angst, Fluff, Alcohol, Arguments
Summary: Photographs are great mementos. They hold the stories and memories of days gone past. Not every story or memory is a happy one though; and no one knows that better than Dan and Phil. One weekend and a photo album is all it takes to change everything.
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A/N: Here it is, my PBB 2016 fic. It has been a long and crazy adventure. I canât believe itâs finally done.
First, I would like to thank @phangirlingforphan. Lily, youâre so amazing. Thank you so much for stepping up in the eleventh hour and getting me to where I needed to be. I have seriously loved working with you. I cannot thank you enough for all your help, support, and encouragement.
Secondly, I would like to thank @howellsankles. Navvy, youâre completely amazing. Iâm so in love with your art which I tell you all the time it feels like. Youâve been a doll and a peach to work with. I canât thank you enough for choosing my fic to do art for.
Thirdly, I would like to thank @amandapants. Amanda, have I told you how wonderful and amazing you are? I canât thank you enough for all the love and support that youâve given me. Even when you didnât have a clue what was going on, you still pushed me through it. For that, Iâm grateful.
Finally, I would like to thank all my wonderful lovelies. You guys are the reason I do anything. Without you guys, there wouldnât be this blog and I wouldnât be writing like I am. I cannot express my gratitude to you guys enough.
Chapter 4
Word Count: 2,885
Warning: Smut, Angst, Fluff, Alcohol, Arguments
Summary: Photographs are great mementos. They hold the stories and memories of days gone past. Not every story or memory is a happy one though; and no one knows that better than Dan and Phil. One weekend and a photo album is all it takes to change everything.
Chapter 3
Art for this chapter
Ao3
Masterpost
Fanfic Masterlist
Itâs Sunday morning. Sunlight streams through the windows. Dan would like nothing more than to hide in bed all day. His face is taut from crying himself to sleep. He rubs his face and winces as he moves his shoulder; itâs stiff from him clinging tightly to his pillow the night before.
Through the wall, Philâs laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. His body is stiff from lying motionless for hours. Heâs lying silently; listening for sounds of life in the flat. Heâs unaware that Dan is doing the exact same thing.
Phil lays in bed as long as he can, his body and bladder screaming for comfort. He changes into different comfy clothes and heads to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Dan listens to Philâs footsteps fade away towards the bathroom. He waits until heâs certain that Phil is in the lounge before he even considers coming out of his room.
Nearly an hour later, Dan enters the lounge. His hair curly and slightly damp from showering. His eyes wander around the room, the television is playing some reality program and Philâs at the end of the couch. His knees are against his chest and his arms are wrapped loosely around his legs with his chin resting on top.
Dan can feel his heartstrings tug and clench at the sight. Itâs all Danâs fault that Philâs upset and not his usual sunshine self. He just had to yell at the man and become defensive. Phil didnât do anything wrong except ask for the truth. He asked for an explanation for all the tension they have been living with for years. Dan is completely aware that heâs messed up.
Phil watches Dan wander back out of the lounge out of the corner of his eye. Dan looks only slightly better than Phil, but not by much. The only difference between the two being that Dan has showered today and Phil hasnât.
He heard Dan last night. He listened to the sobs that wracked the manâs body. It made Phil feel awful. He wanted nothing more than to go and cuddle Dan. He would have loved to assure him that everything will be alright. Phil canât do that though. He hasnât been able to do that in a long time.
Dan returns to the lounge with a bowl of cereal in his hand and sits down next to Phil. His quiet munching mingles with the voices coming from the television. They sit in the uncomfortable silence. Dan finishes his cereal and sets his empty bowl next to Philâs on the coffee table.
The words of their fight ring in their ears. Both know that they have to discuss and apologize for the things they said. Phil doesnât want them to do what they usually do after a fight. They usually give half hearted apologies and sweep everything under the rug.
Phil canât keep doing that. Lately, heâs been imagining what it would be like to move out and move on with his life. He canât go though. Itâs the same reasons he convinced Dan to stay all those years ago. They work better as a team then they do as individuals. Also, thereâs still a part of Phil that cares for Dan beyond their business partnership.
Resentment has been building inside of Dan for years now. Some days he wishes that he had never met Phil. Some days he wishes that he would have walked out all those years ago. Deep down, he knows thatâs not true. He knows that Phil is the best thing thatâs ever happened to him. Together, they have gotten to do so many amazing things; things he would never have gotten to do or wanted to do without Phil by his side.
Phil grabs the remote and clicks off the television. The uncomfortable silence screams extremely loud. Dan focuses his gaze to his lap. He canât bare to look at Phil. Phil shifts on the couch. He puts his left foot on the ground and tucks his right foot under his left leg. His hands are loosely placed in his lap.
Dan watches Phil shift out of the corner of his eye. He keeps his gaze down. He can see Phil watching him and biting on his lower lip. He can see the gears turning inside the manâs head. Dan knows that heâs going to say something. He is hoping against all hope that Phil doesnât say anything, that they can just do what they always do: apologize and move on. Itâs not a good system, but itâs theirs and itâs what theyâve been doing for years.
âWe need to talk.â Phil says. His voice is small, but sure. Dan swallows hard. He takes a deep breath. He doesnât even glance in Philâs direction.
âPlease no Phil.â Dan begs. His voice quivers slightly. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply through his nose. Phil bites his lip and shakes his head.
âNo Dan. We need to talk about this. We canât keep going on like this. We canât keep pretending that everything is fine. Please Dan. Iâm begging you. Please. Please can we talk?â Philâs voice breaks slightly by the end. Dan inhales sharply in his nose.
A war has broken out in Danâs brain. Part of him is screaming at him to do what he always does. He should mutter an apology he doesnât really mean and then run away. The other part of his brain is telling him to listen to Phil. Philâs right. They canât go on like this any longer. Theyâre both miserable and people have been noticing. People have been asking them whatâs wrong for years, but lately itâs been harder to hide their problems.
âYouâre right.â Dan whispers. Philâs eyes go wide and his mouth becomes slightly agape. He gasps. Everything slows down and his vision narrows solely on Dan.
âWh-what?â Phil stutters out. Dan waits a beat.
âYouâre right. We need to talk. We canât keep doing this.â Dan states. His voice sounds a bit monotone. Itâs not out of boredom, but out of defense. Phil shakes his head and composes himself. He bites the corner of his mouth. He doesnât know what to think of Danâs sudden change of heart or his current tone. He decides to just go with it and not think about it too much.
âWhere do you want to start?â Phil asks. Dan pauses for a moment; debating whether they start with yesterday or all those years ago. Even though yesterdayâs fight was about all those years ago, the incidences are completely different things.
âMaybe we should start with yesterday and work our way back.â Dan suggests. Phil nods his head. Neither of them say anything. Both are waiting for the other to break the silence.
âI would like to apologize for my anger yesterday. I realize that getting mad and yelling is not going to get us anywhere. Iâm sorry.â Phil apologizes. Dan nods his head. He agrees. Yelling and screaming at each other has never gotten them anywhere. They should have learned that years ago, but theyâre both a bit stubborn and dense. Plus, itâs hard to remember that when theyâre so angry at each other.
âThank you for apologizing. I appreciate it. Iâm sorry for yelling at you. I know that it wonât fix anything. Weâve been living with anger and hurt for so long. Itâs hard to remember what itâs like without it.â Dan says. Phil nods.
âThank you. Why did you freak out yesterday?â Phil asks. Dan thinks for a moment; trying to get his words in order.
âI felt attacked. You were yelling at me that everything was my fault. Everything was not my fault.â Dan says. His voice slightly wavers in the middle. He coughs painfully to displaces the lump forming in his throat.
âYes it was, but not completely.â Phil says. Dan eyes goes slightly wide. He can feel the heat of anger starting to spread through his chest. He takes a few deep breaths and calms himself down.
âThat was kind of backhanded there Phil,â Dan retorts. His words are teetering on the edge of heated. Phil takes a deep breath. Danâs right. Those were not the words that he wanted to say. His mouth went quicker than his brain.
âYouâre right. Iâm sorry. Thatâs not what I meant. I meant that we are both to blame.â Phil explains. Dan nods his head.
âYes we are.â Dan says. For the first time, he admits it out loud.
âWhy did you break up with me?â Phil asks with hesitation. Dan pauses and bites his lips. This is the dreaded question.
âI was upset. I was stressed and I felt attacked. I felt like everyone was expecting me to be a certain way. I felt like I couldnât be myself. So I freaked out. I ran away from you because you were part of what people expected me to be. It wasnât you. You made me happy, but I couldnât handle everything.â Dan explains. Phil falls silent. Heâs not sure what to think, but heâs slightly relieved to know that it didnât have anything to do with him personally. For years, Phil blamed himself for their demise. Â
âYou know that you donât have to be anyone but yourself. It doesnât matter what anyone else thinks. The only thing that matters is what you think.â Phil says. Dan nods his head.
âI know that now. I wish I knew that then.â Dan whispers. Phil gives Dan a sad half smile. He feels for him. Phil can see how haunted Dan has become because of his past actions.
âWhy do you feel like youâre the victim?â Dan asks before Phil has a chance to respond. Phil thinks for a moment.
âI guess itâs because youâre the one who dumped me. Youâre the one who would scream at me and blame me for things. It was easier for me to blame you for everything. I never took responsibility for my part. For that Iâm sorry. You were fighting me and I didnât do anything to stop you. I let you go. I didnât fight for you. Iâm so sorry Dan.â Phil explains.
Tears start to form in his eyes. Dan puts his hand out and caresses Philâs hand. Phil smiles slightly and sniffles. Dan smiles at him. They lapse into their first comfortable silence in months.
âWhy did you ask me why I kept you here?â Phil asks. Dan bites his lip. He retracts his hand. Phil frowns, already missing Danâs touch. Dan sighs.
âOn the bad days, I feel trapped. Iâm aware that Iâm part of the reason that we are the way we are. I just feel trapped sometimes.â Dan explains. Phil can understand that. There has been more than one occasion that he has felt trapped to stay with Dan.
âI understand that. I would have never forced you to do anything you donât want to. I asked you to stay because it was the best for our careers. Looking back on it, it was a selfish act. I figured that I would have you around in whatever capacity I could get. I made us miserable because of my selfishness. I just couldnât bare to let you go.â Phil explains. His voice is a sad whisper. Dan breaths in and out hard. He always suspected that Phil had an alternative motive, but now itâs been confirmed. Itâs actually somewhat bittersweet because Dan had hurt Phil so much that he used their careers in order to keep them in each othersâ lives.
âI figured it was something like that. Iâm grateful that you did though. Weâve done so much that we wouldnât have if we let each other go. Thank you for that. Iâm really appreciative of that.â Dan says. Phil smiles. Heâs happy to hear that Dan doesnât completely hate him for convincing him to stay.
Dan slides towards. He wraps his arms around Phil and envelopes him in a hug. He slightly surprised at his actions, but Phil looked like he needed a hug. If he were honest with himself, Dan really needed a hug as well. Phil stiffens with shock. His mind goes blank. This is the most contact heâs had with Dan in years.
Philâs mind finally catches up with his reality. He moves his arms and wraps them around Dan. He hugs him tight. They shift slightly so that theyâre resting their heads on each others shoulders. They sit there silently while relishing in each othersâ presence. Itâs like all the hurt is slipping away from them the longer that they hold each other.
âIâve missed you.â Phil confesses. His voice is barely audible, but itâs right in Danâs ear. Danâs breath catches in his throat. He slowly exhales through his nose.
âI missed you too.â Dan professes. He can feel Phil smile against his shoulder. Phil pulls back so that he can look Dan in the face.
âI never stopped loving you; not completely at least. I guess some part of me will always love you.â Phil whispers. Tears suddenly spring into Danâs eyes. A soft sob escapes his lips. Phil pulls him back into a hug. Thoughts flood Danâs head. He has done nothing to deserve Philâs continuous love. He figured that Phil would have thrown his feelings away years ago. He didnât deserve Phil.
Phil slowly rubs Danâs back. âWhy are you crying?â Phil asks. Dan continues to sob. Phil continues to whisper reassuring things in his ear and rub his back until he calms down.
He feels lighter; as if he cried all the negative feelings out of his body. Dan sniffles quietly a few times before pulling back to look at Phil. Danâs eyes are red and a few tears still linger on his cheeks. Phil moves and wipes the stray tears from Danâs face. Dan smiles slightly at the feeling of Philâs touch.
âI still love you. Iâve missed you and have been kicking myself for letting you go. Iâm so sorry Phil. Iâm so sorry.â Dan babbles out his apology. Phil places his hands on Danâs shoulders and shushes him.
âHey. Hey. Hey. Donât be sorry Dan. Youâve already apologized. Itâs okay. I forgive you.â Phil coos. Dan stops and stares at Phil.
âYou forgive me? Even after how horrible I was? After everything I put you through? After everything weâve lived with for years?â Dan asks. Phil nods his head and smiles.
âYes Dan. You mean so much to me. I will always forgive you.â Phil explains. Dan wraps Phil in a tight hug.
âThank you! Thank you! Thank you!â Dan whispers with elation in Philâs ear. He kisses his cheek. Philâs face flushes pink. A small giggle slips past his lips. Dan pulls back and smiles at Phil.
They sit there and smile at each other. Phil leans back on the couch and pulls Dan down along with him. They shift so that they can comfortably cuddle. It feels exactly how it should be. It feels right. Â
âIs this okay?â Phil whispers. Dan nods his head against Philâs chest.
âThis is perfect.â Dan whispers in response.
They lay on the couch and watch the sunset through the window. The room becomes gradually darker as the light slips away; yet, neither makes a move to turn on a light. They talk in hushed whispers about everything: everything that had hurt them over the years, all the thoughts they wanted to tell the other person, and everything that has happened in their lives since their last actual conversation.
They also discuss where theyâre going from here. Theyâve decided to take it slow and work on their friendship before attempting another relationship. They decide that theyâre just going to keep their relationship between themselves. They arenât going to let things like fans or their careers come between them.
Once darkness has overtaken the room, they sit up and stretch. Phil makes his way across the room and turns on the light. He goes to walk into the kitchen in search of food, but suddenly he stops short. Dan has a hold of his wrist and pulls him back towards himself. Phil stumbles into Danâs warm torso. Dan wraps his arm around Philâs waist and steadies him.
âWhy did you stop me?â Phil asks, turning to face Dan.
âI want to take a picture.â Dan responds before grabbing his phone off of the coffee table. Phil tilts his head and looks at Dan with confusion.
âWhy? We look like crapâ Phil counters with a grimace. Dan smiles.
âI figured we should commemorate the day that we made up. Plus there is a lot of space left in the photo album.â Dan explains. Phil smiles and nods his head in agreement.
Dan opens his phone in front camera mode. Phil wraps his arms around Danâs waist and snuggles against his chest. Dan wraps his arm around Philâs waist and pulls him close. Phil catches sight of them on Danâs phone. Theyâre both are disheveled and like they have had a long, tiring afternoon. With matching smiles, Dan snaps a picture. This picture represents so much. It represents them moving on from the past and heading towards new beginnings.
A/N: Here it is, my PBB 2016 fic. It has been a long and crazy adventure. I canât believe itâs finally done.
First, I would like to thank @phangirlingforphan. Lily, youâre so amazing. Thank you so much for stepping up in the eleventh hour and getting me to where I needed to be. I have seriously loved working with you. I cannot thank you enough for all your help, support, and encouragement.
Secondly, I would like to thank @howellsankles. Navvy, youâre completely amazing. Iâm so in love with your art which I tell you all the time it feels like. Youâve been a doll and a peach to work with. I canât thank you enough for choosing my fic to do art for.
Thirdly, I would like to thank @amandapants. Amanda, have I told you how wonderful and amazing you are? I canât thank you enough for all the love and support that youâve given me. Even when you didnât have a clue what was going on, you still pushed me through it. For that, Iâm grateful.
Finally, I would like to thank all my wonderful lovelies. You guys are the reason I do anything. Without you guys, there wouldnât be this blog and I wouldnât be writing like I am. I cannot express my gratitude to you guys enough.
Chapter 3
Word Count: 2,200
Warning: Smut, Angst, Fluff, Alcohol, Arguments
Summary: Photographs are great mementos. They hold the stories and memories of days gone past. Not every story or memory is a happy one though; and no one knows that better than Dan and Phil. One weekend and a photo album is all it takes to change everything.
Chapter 2
Art for chapter 1
Ao3
Masterpost
Fanfic Masterlist
Sometimes the most insignificant things can have the greatest impact. These are things that, in the moment, you donât give a passing thought to. Only once theyâve happened do you realize their significance.
The picture is selfie of them. Theyâre squished together wearing matching smiles and laughter on their lips. The picture is so zoomed in on them that the background really isnât visible. It might be a park structure or maybe a building in the left hand corner. A sliver of unfocused green on the right side indicates that there was at least some plant life behind them.
Itâs was taken somewhere in Manchester, that much they do know. Thereâs nothing particularly special about this picture in the general sense. Specifically, this picture speaks a thousand words. Phil can see the story behind it very clearly. He can see everything the boys in the picture are about to go through like itâs a movie playing in his head.
Phil stares silently at the picture as if heâs a statue. Dan pulls the album completely into his lap and Phil doesnât try to prevent him. He frantically flips through the rest of the pages of the book. Thatâs it. Itâs the last picture in the book. The rest of the pages are blank.
âWhy is that the last picture?â Dan asks, breaking the silence that had settled between them. He has a inkling, but his brain refuses to confirm it. Phil bites his lip.
âItâs the last picture we took together.â Phil answers. His voice is minuscule and barely above a whisper. He reluctantly looks up at Dan. Danâs fringe has fallen in his face. His brow is knitted and frustration is written all over his face.
âWeâve taken pictures since then.â Dan counters after a beat. Phil feels himself nodding unintentionally. Danâs right, but so very wrong at the same time. This photo is different. This photo is more important than the others that theyâve taken since it.
âYouâre right.â Phil agrees. This statement does nothing to alleviate Danâs confusion. He still flips through the last pages of the book. As if their recent pictures would magically appear.
âSo why is this the last picture?â Dan asks again. Phil sighs. He doesnât mean for it to be audible, but Dan can be really dense sometimes. Dan glares at Phil; not harshly, but with annoyance as if heâs speaking in riddles.
âIt was the last picture we took as a couple.â Phil states in a murmur. Danâs face untangles with realization. Philâs words hang heavy in the tension filled air.
âOh,â Dan says. Phil contorts his lips into a hard line. The air between them in thick. Theyâve never really talked about that period in their lives, at least not properly. They havenât even really mentioned it since it occurred. Phil takes a deep breath and swallows hard.
âYeah. You had your meltdown a few weeks later. Remember?â Phil blurts out. The words rush out of his mouth before he has a chance to stop them. Dan stiffens. Phil sits frozen with his eyes locked on Dan.
The meltdown in question was different than the one Dan had over his schooling. Dan was freaking out over people thinking they were together and he was feeling the pressure to come out. He had gotten an over inflated ego about how his channel was taking off which didnât help the situation. Dan had taken his frustrations out on Phil.
He made Philâs life a living hell for months. Sometimes, late on a particularly bad night, Phil can still hear Dan screaming about how everything was Philâs fault and how he didnât deserve everything that was happening to him.
Phil would give anything to never go back to that time again. Heâs not exactly thrilled with the way things are between them nowadays, but he will take this over crying himself to sleep every night and being afraid of stepping out of line. Now, theyâre standing in front of the door they shut that period of their lives behind. Philâs not too sure he wants to see whatâs still lurking on the other side.
Danâs brain is screaming for Phil to be wrong. He continues flipping through the album as if pictures are magically going appear. He knows that theyâre not. Philâs right, at least with the timeline of things. He had his meltdown and things went to shit. Phil watches Dan slowly breath out, rolls his shoulders, and relaxes his body a bit. He slowly lets out the breath heâs been holding.
âNot my fault.â Dan says with a nonchalant tone. Phil hasnât even finished exhaling before he inhales sharply. He blinks his eyes and when they open, all he sees is red. His mind is starting to go into overdrive.
âNot your fault? What do you mean ânot your faultâ?â Phil hisses. His voice has a sharp edge to it. Dan looks over at Phil with bewilderment is written all over his face.
âIsnât it obvious? Itâs not my fault that we broke up so itâs not my fault that this is the last picture in the book.â Dan says as he gestures to the picture. The book still lays open in his laps. Philâs practically fuming.
âOh really? I remember you breaking up with me. Hence, your fault.â Phil spits at him. Dan clenches his jaw.
âThere you go again. Playing the victim,â Dan huffs out. Philâs eyes open wide and his jaw drops to the floor.
âWhat is that supposed to mean?â Phil throws out. Dan rolls his eyes and sighs.
âForget it.â Dan murmurs. He pushes the album onto the coffee table before he gets himself off the couch and walks out of the lounge. Phil watches his retreating figure until Danâs door shuts with a slam.
Once the door shuts, Phil lets out a sigh. The turns to face the rest of their lounge, bringing his arms up, and resting them on his knees. His eyes land on the open album in front of him. The smiling versions of their past selves stare up at him in an almost mocking way. He lets out a small scream of frustration before slamming the album shut. Then, he drops his head into his waiting palms in defeat.
Phil sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. He tugs his head up and rests his chin on his his palm. He stares out the window, watching as darkness settles over the city and the room. His mind is a violent whirlpool; thoughts and memories assaulting him at every turn. Phil lets out a groan of irritation. Â
He canât let this go. He canât forget it. Heâs ignored everything for far too long. He wants answers. He deserves answers. Philâs not going to let them go on like this any longer. He leaps off of the couch and marches down the hall like a man on a mission. Itâs a few quick strides before heâs standing outside of Danâs door. He raises his hand to knock, then stops himself.
A moment of doubt flashes through his mind. He starts to question if he can really confront Dan like he should have years ago. Phil shakes his head. He figures itâs now or never. Before he can talk himself out of it again, he knocks on Danâs door.
Dan has laid on his bed for the better part of an hour. When he first got into his room, he paced around for a while. Once his anger had dispelled somewhat, he laid on his bed, staring at his ceiling. His mind tormented him. His thoughts were jagged, incomplete, and incoherent. He could feel his blood boiling under his skin. A knock at his door tears him out of his head.
He waits for a moment. He knows Phil is on the other side of the door. Dan hopes that if he doesnât answer, then he will go away. His hope is dashed when Phil knocks again. Reluctantly, Dan gets off his bed and answers the door.
âWhat do you want?â Dan asks once he opens the door. Phil jumps, his hand frozen in mid knock. He drops his hand to his side and clears his throat.
âI donât want to forget it.â Phil says. His voice quiet, meek, and unsure sounding. Dan tilts his head to the side and turns his ear slightly in Philâs direction. Heâs not sure if he heard Phil correctly.
âIâm sorry. What?â Dan asks. Phil takes a deep breath. His knees are slightly shaking, but heâs hoping his bit of confidence can hold out. Â
âI said that I donât want to forget it.â Phil tries again. His voice is louder and clearer this time. Dan canât pretend he didnât hear him this time.
âWell I do.â Dan states. He tries to shut the door, but Phil puts his arm out to stop him. Dan sighs and lets the door spring open. He steps back into his room and Phil follows.
âWe need to talk about it.â Phil says. Danâs stood near his windows with his arms crossed defensively across his chest. Philâs still in front of the door, leaving Dan without an exit strategy. Â
âWhy?â Dan asks. He focuses his gaze on Phil. Phil bites his lips; thinking carefully about his words.
âWe canât go on like this anymore.â Phil starts. Dan furrows his brow and narrows his eyes at the man.
âLike what? Weâre fine.â Dan says harshly. Phil rolls his eyes at the blatant irony of Danâs statement.
âWe are not fine. We havenât been fine for a long time. You know that.â Phil spits back. Dan rolls his eyes.
âYouâre crazy.â Dan states while pointing an accusing finger at Phil. Shock crosses Philâs face.
âIâm not crazy. Youâre crazy. We clearly need to talk about this.â Phil shoots back. He gestures his hands wildly in Danâs direction. Dan lets out a forced sigh and marches across the room.
âNo we donât. Now drop it.â Dan spits as he uses his shoulder to shove past Phil. He marches down to the lounge. His heavy steps echo throughout the flat. Phil arrives behind him a moment later.
âYes we do Dan.â Phil tries again. Danâs fist are balled at his side. Heâs stood at the opposite side of the lounge in an attempt to get far away from Phil.
âNo we donât! Why do you want to keep rehashing the past?â Dan yells. Philâs taken aback for a moment. They havenât screamed at each other in years. He closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths. His eyes are cold and focused when he opens them once again.
âI need to know why.â Phil states. His voice is icy and eerily calm.
âWhy what?â Dan asks. His voice his harsh and sounds like heâs spitting fire.
âWhy did you do it? Why did you break up with me? Why did you treat me like shit?â Phil asks. Dan lets out an exasperated sigh. He drags his hand slowly over his face.
âWhy do you do that?â Dan asks, not answering Philâs questions.
âDo what?â Phil asks with confusion in his voice.
âMake yourself the victim.â Dan states. Phil narrows his eyes.
âIâm not playing the victim. I am the victim.â Phil states. Dan groans.
âNo youâre not. You never were. If anyone is the victim here, itâs me.â Dan says. His voice raises in volume as he speaks, but heâs no longer yelling. Phil scoffs at his words.
âYou? Youâre not the victim Dan. Youâre the reason Iâve gone through hell.â Phil states.
âThere you go again. Making yourself out to be the victim!â Dan yells. Heâs gesturing at Phil. Phil crosses his arms and raises his defenses.
âI am the victim.â Phil states flatly. Dan rolls his eyes, grabs his hair, and lets out a scream of frustration.
âWhy did you keep me here then? Why did you make me stay if I make your life hell?â Dan asks.
âYouâre making it sound like Iâve forced you to be here.â Phil retorts, ignoring the questions.
âYou might as well have!â Dan screams. Philâs slightly taken aback at Danâs sudden change in volume, but he quickly gives into the anger boiling inside of him.
âI never forced you to stay Dan! You can get off of that soap box real quick!â Phil screams back.
âThis is why I never wanted to talk about this! Youâre not even listening to me!â Dan screams.
âYouâre not listening to me!â Phil counters. Dan screams again in frustration. He takes a sharp, deep breath.
âThis conversation is over.â Dan states firmly. He moves towards the door. Phil moves to block it.
âNo. Not until we talk about this.â Phil counters. He tries to stop Dan from leaving.
âWeâre done talking.â Dan states. He shoves Phil to the side before hustling down the hallway. He slams his door and flops onto his bed.
Dan grabs his pillow and buries his face in it. Tears pool in his eyes so he rubs his face in the pillow and sniffles a few times. The tears stream down his cheeks anyway.
A/N: Here it is, my PBB 2016 fic. It has been a long and crazy adventure. I canât believe itâs finally done.
First, I would like to thank @phangirlingforphan. Lily, youâre so amazing. Thank you so much for stepping up in the eleventh hour and getting me to where I needed to be. I have seriously loved working with you. I cannot thank you enough for all your help, support, and encouragement.
Secondly, I would like to thank @howellsankles. Navvy, youâre completely amazing. Iâm so in love with your art which I tell you all the time it feels like. Youâve been a doll and a peach to work with. I canât thank you enough for choosing my fic to do art for.
Thirdly, I would like to thank @amandapants. Amanda, have I told you how wonderful and amazing you are? I canât thank you enough for all the love and support that youâve given me. Even when you didnât have a clue what was going on, you still pushed me through it. For that, Iâm grateful.
Finally, I would like to thank all my wonderful lovelies. You guys are the reason I do anything. Without you guys, there wouldnât be this blog and I wouldnât be writing like I am. I cannot express my gratitude to you guys enough.
Chapter 2
Word Count: 3,864
Warning: Smut, Angst, Fluff, Alcohol, Arguments
Summary: Photographs are great mementos. They hold the stories and memories of days gone past. Not every story or memory is a happy one though; and no one knows that better than Dan and Phil. One weekend and a photo album is all it takes to change everything.
Chapter 1
Art for chapter one
Ao3
Masterpost
Fanfic Masterlist
The next few pages show the ends of their secondary school years. Photos from dances, graduation, and random hangouts are spread out across the pages. They donât really discuss anything significant. They simply make a comment here and there or wondering what happened to people they use to know.
Dan stops on a picture and stares longingly at it. Phil notices him intently fixating on the picture. He furrows his brow and opens his mouth to say something.
âDo you remember this night?â asks Dan, beating him to it. He slowly drags his finger down the front of the picture. Phil looks at the photo and remembrance floods his brain.
âYes I do. Do you?â counters Phil, raising his brow in Danâs direction.
âOf course. It was the best night of my life.â Dan states. His voice sounds far away and his eyes donât look as if theyâre registering anything in front of him.
The bass is thumping. People are packed in everywhere. The drinks are flowing in the kitchen. The light scent of smoke lingers in the air. Everyone is in various states of inebriation.
Dan had been psyching himself out all week about attending this party. He has gotten into the habit of avoiding situations that involve Phil and alcohol. Since coming to the realization that he has a huge crush on his best friend, Dan didnât trust himself with alcohol in his system. So parties are definitely on his no way list. Not that he was an extremely social person to begin with.
Phil, however, had been looking forward to the party the whole week. Between working at his summer job and starting university soon, he just wants to unwind. He begged Dan all week until the other boy agreed to attend. Phil had even cheered with joy. Maybe, with a little liquid courage, he will finally tell Dan how he feels about him.
When they arrive, Dan makes a point to head straight for the alcohol. He pours Phil and him slightly, overly strong drinks. Heâs hoping that the alcohol will calm his nerves. They stand on the edge of the living room; watching everyone dance. They are swaying slightly to the music. When their drinks empty, they head in search of refills.
Theyâve become giggly about halfway through the next drink. Theyâve abandoned the living room and are standing in the kitchen when suddenly Phil gasps. The loud noise causes Dan to jump slightly. He turns towards his best friend and lets out a chuckle. Philâs standing next to him with eyes and mouth wide open; flapping his unoccupied hand up and down rapidly.
âLetâs take a picture for the book!â he shouts. Dan rolls his eyes, but agrees. Someone passes by and Phil stops them. He pulls his camera out of his back pocket and asks them to take their picture. After showing them how to work his camera, Phil gets into position next to Dan.
Theyâre standing in front of the door separating the kitchen from the living room. People blearily dance behind them. Danâs on the right side and Philâs on the left with their arms slung around each otherâs shoulders. Each are holding a drink in their opposite hands.
Dan is looking straight at the camera. His skin is flushed and his hair is pushed back off his face. His eyes have a slightly glassy look to them. Heâs obviously intoxicated. There is a wide, drunken smile on his lips.
Phil looks different. Heâs not staring at the camera. His head is turned to the left and heâs looking directly at Dan. There is a soft, subtle smile on his face. His eyes are trained on Dan as if heâs the only person in the room. The look on his face could be described as love.
The person snaps the picture and then Dan turns to look at Phil. He finds himself gazing directly into the manâs deep, blue eyes. All the air rush out of his lungs. Phil pulls his arm off Danâs shoulder and settles his hand on Danâs hip. Dan slides his arm off Philâs shoulder and settles on his waist. Neither of them make a move to remove themselves from the othersâ embrace.
Philâs handed his camera back, but he doesnât notice. All he can see is Danâs rich brown eyes. Dan watches as Philâs eyes flicker between his eyes and his lips. He can feel his face heating up. Phil leans in and they both shut their eyes.
The kiss is just a gentle peck on the lips. It is soft and filled with hesitation. Phil pulls back all too soon and searches Danâs eyes for affirmation. Dan places his cup on the counter and takes Philâs face with his hands. His kiss is slightly firmer than Philâs. His body slowly presses firmly against Philâs and Phil steps back slightly, but quickly recovers. He starts moving his lips slowly against Danâs, but quickly catches up. Sparks fill the tiny bit of air between them.
Dan slides his tongue across Philâs lower lip. Phil opens his mouth to allow him access. Dan swears that the moment their tongues touch, his knees go weak. They move their lips in sync with each other for a few minutes until Dan pulls back. Both are panting slightly heavily. Phil canât stop the grin from spreading across his face. Danâs wearing a matching one.
Phil sets his cup on the counter and grabs Danâs hand. Dan furrows his brow with slight confusion, but allows himself to be pulled along. Phil leads him through the house until they find an empty bedroom. Phil pulls Dan inside and slams the door behind them.
He pushes the man up against the door and kisses him with furry. Dan gladly reciprocates. Their lips move sloppily over each other while their hands roam under their t-shirts and across warm, smooth skin. Dan pushes off the door and tugs Philâs shirt over his head. He walks them backwards until Phil falls onto the bed. He takes off his own shirt before climbing on top to straddle Phil.
Phil moans as their crotches rub together. He flips them so that Danâs pinned beneath him. He roughly grinds their crotches together and that elects a loud moan from Dan.
Dan pulls frantically at Philâs trousers. He wants them off. He wants to feel their naked skin pressed together in the most sinful way. Phil quickly undoes Danâs trousers and slides them down his legs. He crawls off the bed to dispose of the clothes before disposing of his own.
Phil climbs back onto the bed and straddles Dan. They both let out satisfying moans as their bare crotches come in contact with each other for the first time. Phil shifts back onto his knees, pulling their crotches away from one another. He gently grips Danâs cock and starts stroking it.
âGod Phil. Hurry up.â Dan pleads through gritted teeth. Phil scrambles off the bed and picks up his jeans. He pulls out a small bottle of lube and a condom. Right now, heâs grateful that he remembered to grab them before leaving earlier. Â
âDid you plan this?â Dan asks with a laugh. Phil rolls his eyes and smiles at him.
âNo. Just hoping.â Phil explains. Dan nods; the lust thatâs coursing through his body is preventing his brain from overthinking the situation. Phil settles between Danâs wide spread legs. He coats his fingers with lube and slowly drags one around Danâs hole. Dan lets out a small whine.
Phil slowly slides his finger inside. He waits a moment before moving his finger. It isnât long before Philâs able to add another finger. Dan scrunches his nose in discomfort. Phil waits a moment before he starts scissoring his fingers. Danâs letting out soft noises. Phil adds a third finger and brushes Danâs prostate in the process. Dan lets out a louder moan and arches his back from the spark of pleasure.
Danâs begging Phil to hurry up. Philâs cock is starting to ache so he removes his fingers and slides on the condom. He coats the outside in lube before lining himself up with Dan. Dan wraps his legs loosely around Philâs waist. Phil looks up into Danâs eyes.
âAre you sure?â Phil whispers. Dan reaches up and caresses Philâs cheek with his hand.
âYes,â Dan responds in an equally quiet, but heavy whisper. Phil attaches their lips as he slowly slides inside of Dan. It takes a while, but eventually he bottoms out. He pauses and waits for Dan to adjust. A few minutes later, Dan gives him the okay to move.
Phil pulls his hips back until only the head of his cock is left inside and slowly eases them forward. Dan grips Philâs shoulder blades and buries his head in the crook of his neck. Phil slowly quickens his pace. He angles his hips and searches for Danâs prostate. Dan tightens his legs around Philâs waist.
Dan cries out when Phil finally hits his spot. Phil starts relentlessly fucking into his prostate. Danâs just short of screaming. His noises are muffled due to his head being buried in Philâs neck. He swears he could cum from Philâs cock alone. Phil doesnât give him a chance to find out. He reaches between them and grips Danâs cock tightly. Philâs stroking Dan in time with his with his thrusts. Danâs clenching tight around Philâs cock.
âClose.â they both grunt out at the same time. In any other moment, they would laugh at their synchronicity. Â Phil runs his thumb through Danâs slit and itâs his undoing. Dan arches his back and paints both of their chests with his cum. Seeing Dan come undone beneath him causes Phil to orgasm. He slams roughly into Dan one final time and fills the condom.
Phil works them through their orgasms before pulling out. Dan lays motionless on the bed. Heâs thoroughly fucked out. Phil ties off the condom and drops it into a nearby waste basket. He finds tissues on top of the dresser and uses them to clean them both off.
He manages to convince a tired Dan to put his boxers back on before they snuggle into the bed. Phil lays on his back and pulls Dan flush against his side. He stares up at the ceiling a moment before closing his eyes. He falls asleep with a smile on his face and Danâs head on his chest.
âWhy was that the best night of your life?â Phil asks Dan, pulling him out of his memory. He shakes his head and turns to face the other man.
âHuh?â he sputters. Phil sighs. Of course Dan wasnât listening to him. Phil feels like itâs always one step forward, two steps back with Dan. Â
âI asked why was that the best night of your life?â Phil reiterates to Dan. He expects Dan to avoid the question, but is surprised to get an actual answer.
âWe had sex for the first time and we started dating the next day. If we hadnât had sex, we wouldnât have ended up together.â Dan explains with a far off look in his eyes. Heâs only vaguely aware of his words. Usually, he isnât as open with Phil about his thoughts or feelings. The trip down memory lane has made his head fuzzy. Phil bites his lower lip hard before he huffs.
Phil reminds himself that technically if they hadnât have kissed, they wouldnât have ended up together. Thatâs just nitpicking though. Truthfully, if they never had sex, then they would have never started dating. If they never started dating, then they wouldnât have broken up. If they hadnât broken up, then they wouldnât be basically strangers. Thatâs all semantics though.
The mood between them has soured due to their previous conversation. Danâs suddenly hyper aware of himself. He can feel the heat radiating off his skin. His stomach is doing somersaults and heâs fidgeting in his seat. Everything he said in the conversation hits him like a ton of bricks. His mind is screaming at him to run, flee, do something; anything to not be here any longer.
Phil looks around the room; completely oblivious of everything thatâs happening next to him. The sun has already set. The overhead light illuminates the space in a harsh glow. Dan stands up abruptly. The photo album is about to clatter onto the floor. However, Phil saves it at the last minute. He shoots Dan an annoyed look. Dan doesnât notice because heâs trying to appear as normal as possible. He stretches and yawns before walking out of the lounge.
Phil sighs and rolls his eyes. He waits a minute to see if Dan will return. When the other man doesnât, he places the album on the coffee table and follows Danâs path out of the room. The previously cooperative Dan is gone and the annoying and selfish Dan has taken his place. Phil stands in the doorway to the kitchen, crosses his arms, and leans against the doorframe while watching Dan move around the kitchen.
Dan opens the cupboard and pulls out a glass and pours himself a drink. The microwave beeps and Dan opens the door to remove his food.
A hot plate full of Chinese takeout emerges from the microwave. Phil bites the side of his cheek. Heâs pretty sure that Dan ate all his takeaway already and that would make the contents of the plate Philâs take away. Dan grabs a fork and turns around, jumping slightly at the sight of Phil.
âYou scared me.â Dan states with a slight breathiness to his voice. Phil grimaces at him.
âClearly.â Phil responds flatly. Dan stares awkwardly around the room, waiting for Phil to move.
âIâm hungry and tired. Can we finish the rest of the album later?â Dan asks. His voice has a slight whine to it. Phil internally sighs.
âYeah. Sure.â he says. His words come out with a hit of a dismissive tone. Dan doesnât hear the inflection and smiles at him.
âGreat. Later.â Dan says happily before squeezing past him. Phil has stepped back into the hallway, but barely out of the doorframe. He watches him retreat down the hall and into his room. Once the door shuts, Phil lets out a lengthy sigh.
He crosses the kitchen and looks in the fridge. His suspicions is confirmed as his takeaway is missing from the fridge. Phil slams the fridge door harder than necessary. As his emotions swirl around inside of him, he forces air out between his clenched teeth. Their last topic of conversation has put him in a less than stellar mood and this is just pushing him towards the edge.
Philâs tired of Danâs selfish attitude. Dan doesnât care about anyone but himself. Phil seriously doesnât know why he puts up with him anymore. He makes toast and a glass of warm milk before making his way to his room. He slams his door when shutting it. Phil knows that heâs being a bit childish, but it helps with the way heâs feeling. At least for a little bit.
He opens his laptop and starts browsing while he eats his âdinnerâ. Philâs really not hungry. He would rather go to sleep and put this bizarre day behind him. An hour later, heâs laid on his back, staring at the ceiling. Itâs still pretty early by his standards. He figures the sooner he goes to sleep, the sooner this day is behind him.
Phil is racking his mind trying to figure out what got into Dan today. Heâs surprised that he agreed to looking through the album in the first place. Dan dislikes spending time with Phil unless heâs forced to. The boy was actually quite pleasant towards him. It makes his heart ache with nostalgia.
He replays over the day before rolling onto his side and groaning into his pillow. He canât believe that he confessed to having a crush on Dan when they were fourteen. Why would I tell him something like that? Phil decides to blame it on them acting like they use to be. Exhaustion eventually overtakes him. He falls into a fitful and restless sleep.
Dan is up a lot later than Phil, as usual. He heard the slamming of Philâs door and frowned to himself. He could guess that Phil did that on purpose. After all, Phil loves to do things on purpose to annoy Dan.
Phil loves making noise when heâs trying to film. He changes the channel when Danâs watching television and he never offers Dan any food when he cooks. Danâs fed up with Philâs selfish attitude; itâs almost like Phil is trying to punish him. He tries to avoid spending time with him if he can because itâs the only way he knows to keep the peace.
Thatâs what makes the fact that Dan agreed to look through the album with him so surprising. Danâs surprised at himself. He canât say for sure why he agreed. Maybe it was for the chance to revisit his past or maybe itâs because he just wanted to remember the good times. The moments before everything went to shit.
Dan lays in bed and stares at his own ceiling. He replays the whole day and their conversations. He thinks back to the naive five-year-old who wished for Phil and him to be best friends forever. That poor kid has no idea what heâs in for. If he had a time machine, he would go back in time and warn the kid. Dan would tell him to stay away from Phil Lester because heâs only going to get his heart broken. That wouldnât be fair to their past selves though. Â
The memories that they made arenât all bad. There are a few good ones: memories like playing video games all Saturday afternoon and sledding in the winter. However, the bad memories over power the good ones: the memories of screaming voices, broken dishes, tears, and broken hearts.
Dan sniffles. He wasnât even aware that he had started crying. He rubs his face with his blanket and tries to push the day from his mind without much success. Philâs confession begins to play in his mind.
How could he not tell me that he thought he liked boys? Why did he hide it for so long? Why didnât he trust me? These questions roll around Danâs brain like waves in the ocean. Dan falls into a fitful sleep; dreaming of days gone past.
The sun was shining bright by the time that Phil awoke the next morning. He sits up in bed with a groan. His body is stiff and sore from tossing and turning all night. With a sleepy yawn and a stretch, he grabs his glasses off his side table. He slowly makes his way out of his room and shuffles down the hall.
He honestly feels more tired now than he did when he went to sleep last night. After pouring a bowl of cereal, he retreats back to his room. Phil doesnât hear any movement coming from Danâs room and assumes heâs still asleep.
Two hours later, Phil hears Dan open his door. He can hear him moving around the flat. He has no desire to venture outside of his room and deal with Dan.
An hour later, thereâs a knock on Philâs door. He places his laptop on his bed and slowly crosses the room. He opens to the door to find Dan on the other side. Danâs wearing a plain, black shirt and a pair of lounge pants slung low on his hips.
âCan I help you?â Phil asks with a bit of a snarky attitude. He lightly bites his tongue after hearing his voice. Dan resists the urge to roll his eyes. He takes a deep breath, willing himself not to back down, before addressing Phil.
âDid you want to finish the photo album?â He asks. Heâs not looking directly at Phil, but behind him, carding one of his hands through his hair.
Phil thinks for a moment. Theyâve come so far already, they might as well. âWhat harm could come from finishing the album?â he thinks.
âSure,â Phil answers. Dan finally looks at him and smiles. Phil weakly smiles back. Dan steps away from the door and allows Phil to exit his room. Phil closes the door behind him and follows Dan to the lounge.
Dan makes a stop in the kitchen to grab a few bottles of water. They settle onto the couch in the same positions that they had the day before.
Phil picks up the album and places it in his lap. Dan cracks open his water bottle and takes a sip as Phil flips through the pages to find where they left off. Philâs first day of university picture is the next picture. This is followed by a few date pictures and then Danâs first day of university.
They didnât start university at the same time. Dan decided to take a gap year to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He joined Phil at the same university, though a year behind him, in hopes of earning a law degree. That didnât really work out too well for him. He ended up having a breakdown and dropping out. Phil went on to graduate. Dan has always been a bit jealous that Phil was able to finish and Dan wasnât. Not that Phil did it on purpose, but still.
They continue flipping through until they stop of a picture of them outside of their Manchester flat. The day was a warm and sunny one while they had spent the whole of it moving their possessions inside with the help of their families.
Their arms are wrapped around each other. Phil is smiling wide at the camera. Dan is bent over, mid laugh.
They look so happy and optimistic. Both had started YouTube channels nearly two years before; both of their channels were gaining in popularity. Phil was about to start his last year of university the next week. Dan had just dropped out and was going to do YouTube full time. Their futures seemed so bright and happy. It wouldnât last, however.
âI miss that apartment.â Dan confesses quietly, almost if heâs speaking more to himself. Phil hums in agreement. He misses it too. He misses those versions of themselves. The happy-go-lucky boys who thought they would be together forever.
âSo do I.â Phil confesses. Dan flashes him a sad smile. A silent conversation passes between them. They donât need to say anything else. Manchester was a happy place for them, until it wasnât.
Phil flips the page. There is one single picture left in the album. When Phil sees it, his eyes go wide and his mouth drops open. Dan notices the movement out of the corner of his eye. He turns his attention away from the wall he was staring at and back to Phil. He looks at him with confusion before looking down at the open photo album still in Philâs lap.