#passthedutchie

Musical Youth - Pass The Dutchie

there are some things that are true, and some things that i tell myself are true. sometimes these things blend together in a way that makes them hard to distinguish from one another, like when red and white paint mix together to form pink. 

i love working hard. i’ve been climbing the ladder the past couple of years, and there’s a lot of momentum for me to continue to work hard. i got a promotion/raise and am moving to the flagship location of our company in a week. it’ll be more time away from home, more responsibility, and probably longer hours, but that’s what i want... right? i want to be a successful name in the industry. i want to make better money than my partner. i want to be able to say that i made it as a woman cannabis refugee that turned her passion into a career.

i want to say all of these things, but at the same time i am barely keeping my head above the water. i keep assigning more responsibilities to myself, keep taking on more and more projects and roles, when i wasn’t able to accurately do them in the first place. everyone says i’m doing great. everyone thinks i am some natural-born leader who is dependable and responsible, but i am running myself into the ground. i am putting my teeth up to a curb and asking someone to stomp on my head. the composure that i apparently exude is enough to mask the sheer panic that i feel on the daily. have i done all of my tasks correctly? have i made sure everyone has been taken care of? did i fuck up a transaction? did i lock the doors and set the alarm? 

i’ve never been late to work since starting at this company. i’ve only been late to work a few times in my life. i thrive off of being early. i like to present myself as a punctual person who is considerate of other’s time. sure, it can be frustrating when others are not as considerate as i am, but i know not everyone runs on the same panic that i do. i wish i could be carefree and not give a shit about being on time or how others view my actions. i wish i didn’t scrutinize every snapshot of my day like a disappointed parent overlooking a child. i’m so obsessed about what others think of me that i forget who i am supposed to be.

people probably think i am pretty easygoing. i’m not one to complain about things very often, and if i do, it’s usually to people i trust well. i put on a smile and mask my emotions, never bringing them to work with me. it’s hard to tell when i’m having a bad day, which is probably due to the antidepressants processing in my liver. my partner is a huge victim of this phenomenon, because i can rarely ever truly tell him what i am thinking or how i am feeling at any given moment. 

there are so many reasons for me not to stay. i am second to video games. i am a second mother and teacher. i am the one who holds us all together. i am the responsible one. i am the one who makes sure that he is keeping up with his relationships. i am the one that makes sure he grows. without me, it would be very hard to function and that’s probably why i am scared to death of any feelings i have that steer me in the direction of wanting to leave him. 

we have built a life together; moved from one state to another together, leaving our friends, family, and comfortable, predictable lives behind. he moved with me so i could chase my dream of working in cannabis. every time i go to work, i’m reminded of the sacrifice that he made to get me to where i needed to be. we have two cats. we live in a beautiful, safe apartment complex. we both have good paying jobs and i’ve made a lot of friends here. 

to be honest, i’m scared about falling out of love with him. some days i feel worse than others about the direction our relationship is going. we don’t have sex often enough for me, i have been questioning my sexuality and gender identity and have a fear of missing out of being in a relationship with a woman. our libidos don’t match, and oftentimes i end up having to do the job myself. but once again, i am good at not telling him when things are wrong. 

all of these things could easily be fixed by me opening my mouth. it’s probably not fair for me to assume that he has been picking up on all of my hints and knows that i have been dissatisfied for a while, but dammit i wish he cared more. i wish he would say that he wants to get married and wants to plan to get married at a certain time/day... not that he’s fine with whatever i want to do. he’s too easygoing about a lot of things that matter and i’m tired of being the only one in the relationship that cares about this stuff. 

i want him to do things for me. i want him to buy me things because they remind him of me. i want him to actively do the dishes without me asking, or wash our sheets. i wish he would get his medical card so that he could visit me at work more or buy me things from the dispensaries that i don’t pick out myself. i want him to cuddle with me and rub my back. i want him to go to bed at the same time i do so i’m not falling asleep alone. are these things too much for me to ask? i feel selfish often.

i talk to the people in my life about these things too much. i am worried that i am bothering them with my complaining and lack of taking their advice. i know i should be doing what they want me to do, but i can’t. i don’t know why my stupid little brain can’t think rationally about this and just do what is best for me. it’s probably because i don’t have a clue what’s best for me. there are too many reasons why i can leave and can’t leave. it’s easier to stay.

i’m almost done with school and it doesn’t feel real. i can finally say that i graduated college. i will no longer have that added stress on my schedule and i can focus on my career. i can look into things that will make me feel fulfilled and at least happier than i am in the present moment. this has been such a word vomit rambling mess but it needed to come to light. i don’t know if i’ll be writing on here often because it seems like i abandon every writing project that i begin, but this is a good start.

i’m pretty toasted off of some frosted apricots, a cross between slurricane and irene og. it had a nice floral smoke with a hint of mint, a super light smell and taste and a really relaxing feeling. it’s helping me type because my joints feel pretty good at the moment. i have a nice creative energy about me but i also feel like i need to go to bed pretty soon for class in the morning.