My dance with anxiety
For some, this quarantine experience has been the worst thing ever and they are about to go mad. For others, this has been a time of thriving, creativity, and growth. For most of us, we lie somewhere in the middle and fluctuate between the negatives and positives. I live on my own, so in addition to isolation, Iâve been in my headspace a lot. Yes, itâs a great time for introspection and getting to know oneself, donât get me wrong. However, my triggers tend to surface and my dear friend anxiety likes to manifest. Iâm sure Iâm not the only one, but for me itâs easiest to bottle it up, deny itâs existence, or become the victim. I know Iâm not the only one due to 4 out of the 6 members of my immediate family behaving very similar. It sometimes feels better to say âpoor meâ or âIâm like this due to my anxietyâ or âI feel neglectedâ and so on. But is it helpful to only dwell on that part of it? Most likely not.Â
Before I proceed, I ought to share a bit of a background story that will weave into my current one. So over the last two months, I was lucky enough to encounter and connect with my twin flame. A twin flame in simplest terms is a mirrored soul. There are theories that itâs a soul literally split into half, but thatâs a whole separate philosophical rabbit hole. Anyways, twin flames have a lot of similarities, but can also be polar opposite with others. Think of a yin/yang, sun/moon, fire/ice, etc. They need it as if itâs a magnetic pull that brings them together. From what Iâve learned, twin flames often appear when a person needs to âawakenâ so to speak or grow. Once again in a âwoowooâ term, itâs usually thought of as ascension, but once again thatâs for another time. This period of grown/change is great and creepy at the same time. However, Itâs not always a happy thing, in fact they are known to reveal parts of yourself that arenât so great or a âshadow selfâ. In just two months, Iâve had instances where theyâve literally held a mirror to my face, spoke the truth, and more or less said âget your act togetherâ. One of these happened this morning and quite honestly, they couldnât have been anymore spot on. As a result, I listened and it became the catalyst I think Iâve needed for a long time. You see, quite often I bottle up my issues and put on a happy face...maybe itâs denial or shame or a pride thing. However, denying it or playing the poor victimized child isnât helping me. Mine also manifests as lack of self confidence, people pleasing, or lack of self worth. Once again, Iâm sure Iâm not alone, but I need to get out of the mud and progress. My twin flame may not know this, but a lot of my classes that Iâm currently taking are helping me with finding different outlets, recognizing certain behavior patterns, and identifying my triggers. Not to say that I havenât looked into it on my own, but as a different/unbiased/outside approach. So I plan to keep up with them as well as my other âchallengesâ.  Moving forward, I will use my anxiety to inspire art, writing, dance, skating, rants, utilizing groups/forums, connecting with others, and any other way to release it. After all, some of the greatest works of art were created as a result of pain and anxiety. Perhaps someday Iâll create a masterpiece and make millions. Just kidding! In all seriousness, itâs something i definitely need to start making into a habit.  Now I know there will be days where the Universe will stick her middle finger up at me along with long lines, traffic jams, and wind blowing my siding off...but itâs time to face it head on and grow as my person.
I donât know where Iâll be in a year. I hope to Goddess weâll be out of this pandemic, that Iâll be healthy, and make my happiness a priority. While they come and go, I hope the friends dear to me will still stick around. I hope Iâll be living my life to the fullest and immersed in lifeâs messy labyrinth of pain, happiness, love, laughter, tears, stress, and everything in between. Anxiety will be transformed into my ally and Iâll keep them in check by releasing the chaos in a healthy way. After all, Iâm the only Queen of my life, itâs time I straighten my crown and rule. So thank you to my twin flame(you-know-who-you-are) for being truthful with me and helping me become a better person. I hope someday that I can do the same for you<3.Â
Also, to all of those struggling right now, you are not alone. I hear you, can sympathize, and will never judge. Stay tuned for more thoughts during this new journey to my best self. I may share some art, bits of writing, creative writing, rants, raves, and more. Sending love, support, and sunshine to all those who need it.
