#passing-privilege

Case in point: i made the mistake of disclosing to a new co-worker a few weeks ago. He seemed very friendly and jovial - a bit too talkative and too agreeable but I chalked that up to his nerves and on him trying to make a good impression on everyone. If there was an opportunity he would chat with me (and almost anyone else) about everything and anything he could think of. He seemed very personable (if a bit naive) and possessing a decent work ethic he seemed like he would 'fit in' well after some time.

This person was the first new hire my Employers had made since I started transition. Everyone else there knew my status as Transgender - they saw and interacted with me as a man for a time, and most made the switch to working with me as a woman when I made my gender known and took the leap into 'full-time'. There are still co-workers who refused to respect my identity, who will misgender me regardless of my protests and shrug it off as 'habit' while making no effort to change (or even use they/them/my name as a neutral alternative) - and it was because of these passive-aggressive bigots that I decided I should inform the new-guy on my terms, instead of theirs, and take control of my narrative.

I wrestled down my anxiety one night and at the end of the shift as we were cleaning the restaurant I just went up and asked him if he knew what 'Transgender' meant. When he said yes I simply said "Ok, well, that's me. I am Transgender." and after a moment of thought he seemed alright with it. He assured me it didn't matter and that it wouldn't effect anything. Of course this was all said in view of other co-workers (many of whom are my friends and totally supportive), and I learned very quickly exactly how much effect it 'wasn't' having on how he treated me...

Revealing your Trans Status (or Outing yourself) is kind of a remarkable and almost instantaneous litmus test for bigotry - that upbeat, sociable little man turned into an instant asshole by the next shift. Suddenly I was no longer spoken to, and any time I tried to help him learn to do his job I was 'nagging' or 'criticizing mistakes'. "Man." was added to the beginning or end of any questions or sentence spoken to me, with subtle emphasis. Any attempt I had made to be friendly or remain personable with this fellow was immediately rebuffed - seen as an invasion of space. Any requests I made for assistance or questions asked of them were often ignored as if no one was speaking to him at all. 

This person went from 100% personable to treating me like the dog who shit on the carpet. From respecting me as a co-worker and fellow human being to treating me like I either didn't exist, or if I insisted on being heard as if I were some Banshee shrilling at him in foul, ear-stabbing staccato. It took me a while to realize it - but as soon as I told this guy that I was Transgender I was no longer a Person to him, No longer worthy of his respect. Bigotry, pure and simple.

I purposefully withheld a different 'status' from this Employee to get a more accurate picture of his attitude toward me as a Trans-Woman. I am a Shift Manager - I am his boss, in a way. I let the prejudiced little man go about ignoring me and talking poorly to me for a few days, during shifts run by the Owners, and when we finally worked together on a Shift I was Managing I let him know not so subtly that I held a bit of power over him. Speaking of Litmus - this is a great way to learn how sycophantic someone is: Immediately I regained all the attentions, the decency, the friendliness from before - but I already knew what this guy was, how he really felt. I still would not be seen as human in his eyes and I'll never trust this person or respect them as an Employee - and that trust is vital to anyone's survival as a Transgender person.

See, now here I have this fellow who hates, or at the very least denies my humanity to me on a deep level, who has to suck it up and be nice to me and listen to what I tell him to do - so his resentment is going to reveal itself in a passive-aggressive manner. He won't confront me anymore, as I could fire him for that, but he has complained and griped to other employees, has called me a 'Tranny' behind my back, and has tried to rabble-roust unsuccessfully with the other less accepting employees: I don't care about any of that - most of my other co-workers are friends, are absolutely fine with my Transness - he's blowing smoke. There is a way he can hurt me, though, and for now, thankfully, he hasn't realized what it is.

See, the problem with Disclosing to someone like this is that he  can now use his knowledge about me - this privileged information about my biology - to harm me in other ways - to sucker punch me. He has the power to out me to ANYONE - including our customers. He can do this when I'm not working - he can do this outside of work. He has the power to inform other shitty people about me and destroy whatever passive acceptance I would have in the community because I am generally accepted as the gender I am and live as.

Granted, this only causes other bigots and ill-informed dopes to deny me my humanity - but a public outing is like being branded. Like having a target painted on you. Whereas before I could 'blend' and get by, never having to deal with the shittiness of Transphobes - if this Co-Worker decides to start telling people about me, it's possible I'll be dealing with stares, with slurs, with violence - from people who would have never known and never had the inclination without his help.

This is a power we, as Trans-People, give up every time we disclose: The control of our Safety. Unless you are Out, in a reasonably accepting environment,  your identity is literally a weapon that others can use against you. That can be spread and used to rally bigots against you. Disclosing, in any form, is like handing over a knife to someone and asking them not to stab you with it.

There are inherent problems, like, on a Societal-Level, with the concepts of Stealth and Passing. In an ideal world Transgender people would not have to hide who they are - but this is not an ideal world. I live and work as a woman, but there are people who can and do deny my womanhood - there are people out there who would deny me the work - and there are even worse people who would deny me my life, if they got the chance to. 'Stealth' for me is a matter of safety, and by disclosing to this co-worker I have given him the power to reveal me to those other, terrible people who would do me harm on so many emotional and physical levels.

I was forced, by my circumstances, to disclose to this guy. If I could choose I would have never done so. I gave him power over me, over my safety, and I have to hope he never decides to start using that power to harm me.