#passiflor

July 4, 2023:

Fuchsia Primary, Skydancer, Saturn.

( @passiflor / source: here / status: not accepting! ) 

A CANVAS OF pale flesh, practically calling out to be blessed with bruises of his own making. This was his first thought upon first glance of her. He imagined holding her hair, pulling it back into a makeshift ponytail (much like he had for his sister in the past), only so he could sneak a peek at the back of her neck. Dark hair, plump, bee stung lips, eyes that told a story, all of Moonsik’s weaknesses wrapped up in a single form.

It didn’t take much for him to become fixated, for lust to crawl over his entirety. Gaze lingered for a few moments too long, clinging to all her edges, edges he wished to be his momentarily. Women never amounted to much in his eyes, but he’d be damned, if they weren’t nice to look at and hold occasionally. Moonsik could easily imagine his tight grip on her hips, fingernails digging into the skin, his nose pressed to her pulse, feminine scent (flowers ― they always smelled of flowers, like his mother) overwhelming.

Disgusting.

Want made him feel closer to human, closer to being weak. Yet he fell for it every time, succumbed to physical pleasures more often than not. It was all that kept him stitched together. Though when he approached her finally, he was nothing but gentle. Actions were akin to someone he had never met, rather than the personified thorn he really was. The pricking would come later.

Too bad he could never contain himself, never keep a hold on the false image, which contained the beast within. His hands practically swallowed her own, thumbs pressing to her palms, relishing in their pillow softness. A moan crept to the back of his teeth to forcibly be pushed back down again.

Soon.

A question burned inside him. Or maybe it was the three drinks he had already.

Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, he leaned in, lips ghosting against the base of her neck. “Have you ever had sex?” The answer itself didn’t matter. It never did. He was simply looking for a path, a way to reveal his intentions without explicitly stating his own want.

@passiflor

bgm

올 겨울 들어 가장 매서운 한파가 밀려올 예정이라는 라디오 DJ의 멘트를 끝으로 음악이 흘러나왔다. 버스 내부는 퇴근중인 직장인들로 붐볐다. 손잡이를 잡은 채 꾸벅 졸던 정국은 간신히 한쪽 눈을 떴다. 뿌옇게 김이 서린 창문을 잠결에 응시하다 화들짝 놀라 출입구로 향했다. 그가 내려야 할 정류장이었다. 사람들 틈을 비집고 어렵사리 하차했을 땐 허공에 굵은 눈발이 흩날리고 있었다. 까만 코트깃을 여미며 흰 눈이 쌓인 길에 발자국을 더했다. 하루의 끝을 마주하며 집으로 향하는 정국은 발길이 가벼웠다. 최근에 나온 발라드를 흥얼거리며 걸었다. 

정국의 잔잔한 하루에 파도가 친건 순식간이었다. 그녀가 지나가는 사이에. 그녀의 얼굴을 본 사이에. 지나가는 그녀의 온도의 느낄 사이에. 정국은 무의식적으로 그녀의 갸름한 손목을 잡았다. 아니, 붙들었다. 꼭 쥔 두 손 사이로 퍼지는 애절함이 느껴질수 있었다. 

“현비아,”

어렵게 입밖으로 뱉은건 5살이 어린 누이의 이름이었다. 現非. 나타날 현, 그리고 아닐 비. 아들 둘을 원했던 아버지가 자고있는 작은 갓난 여자아이에 모습을 보면서 지워주신 이름이었다. 처음에는 괘씸함에 주어쥔 이름이었지만 현비는 사랑스러운 아이었다. 정국의 끝이 없는 애정에 잘 자라난 거있을수도 있었다. 시간이 흐르며 듣기 서러운 2글자가 귀안에 녹는듯이 예쁜 이름이 되어버렸다. 어예쁘게 웃는 얼굴에 화를 낼수 없었고, 외로움을 가리킬수 없었다. 

강재이별의 뜻은 아닌데도 강재이별이라는 말이 참 어울렸다. 사랑하는 여동생, 존경스러운 아버지, 고우신 어머니. 정국은 잠든 사이에 잃어버린 가족을 항상 그리워했다. 검은 하늘위에 떠있는 달이 외롭다고 정국의 가족을 빼앗스며 이별을 시켰다. 

해가 수평선 밑에 잠기고 밤이 되면 잃은 가족을 다시 한번 일초 라도 만나고 싶은 간절함을 억지로 삼켜 조용히 울던 정국이 가여 웠던 지 우주위에서 지켜보던 별들이 그의 소원을 이루어 준 것 일수도 있었다. 

400년을 넘어 볼수 있을수 있는 얼굴이었다. 숨통이 막힌듯 정국은 이를 악문 채 소리 없이 울었다. 겨울바람때문에 하얀 얼굴에 빨갛게 달아오른 홍조, 두툼한 입술, 너무나 잘 알고있는 얼굴이었다. 3살인 누이의 성인이 된 얼굴. 확실했다.  

자신을 기억할수 있다는 가능성이 있었다. 하지만 정국은 스스로 희망고문을 하기 싫었다. 그녀의 놀란 얼굴 바라보며 마음을 굳게 다지고 그녀의 손을 놓았다. 

“...죄송합니다.”

마음데로 허락없이 손목을 잡은걸 뒤 늦게 깨달은 정국은 고개를 수겼다. 면목이 없었다. “저도 모르게 사람을...” 잘못 봤네요. 라고 차마 말하지는 못했다. 대신 명함을 꺼내줬다. “제가 차린 찻집이에요. 힘드실때 찾아오세요.” 

그 사의에 침묵이 흘렀다. 

MY LIL HONEY BUNNY I LOVE U BUNCHES !!! SMOOCHES TY FOR PUTTING ME ON THIS LIST EVEN THO IM ACTUALLY A SNAIL

      @passiflor

the unforgiving nature of humanity lies restless in his trembling hands. he has a rule for himself: don’t forget and don’t want. it’s easy to follow the first one. photographic memory built from years of analyzing and overanalyzing textbooks meant for college students. granted, he’s also naturally gifted in that field. just like the way painters are gifted with the golden touch of creativity or politicians are gifted with the most sublime way of talking bullshit. he knows of it, the way memories would rebuild or stack in his head and remain in fine print until he no longer needs it. so it’s easy enough for him.

the problem exists with wanting.

jungkook wants the way that children wants. he wants so bad that it hurts him real bad. hurts him enough to the point that he’d rather stay away from people than talk to them. a social butterfly trying to clip his own wings just to keep himself safe. he knows it isn’t healthy and probably a little bit stupid, but it’s kept him alive. 

this time, what he wants is a conversation, some medicine for his headache, and not to get killed trying to cross the street without looking.

“oh--” he’s being tugged back, almost gently, as a sports car whizzes by him. too close for comfort. jungkook, feeling that irrepressible need to speak, turns his head and offers a smile in thanks. “almost turned into road kill there.” he pauses, looking down at her with fading amusement and the slow, aching return of the wretched loneliness he feels. knowing that she, like everyone else, would eventually bid her farewell and walk away, he throws a hand out to stop her. 

a few starters - ice breakers (x) — still accepting(?).

there’s a faint trace of a familiar scent that placates him on impulse; taehyung recognizes her like this first, and then by the mellow voice that speaks, gentle even with the blatant sarcasm twined in her words. he straightens up with a jerk, callous fingers flitting against the corners of his eyes and sifting through black locks, a hasty attempt to look like he hadn’t been on the verge of a nap in a public cafe; knows the dark circles and heavy lids give him away regardless. 

he’s grinning anyway, gravel voice muttering a slow, “you talkin’ to me, soo?” raised eyebrows following up with mock confidence. his hand skitters across the table to curl against a petite wrist, an accustomed need to touch. pleased would be an understatement, and he’s raking in the lines of her face then, finding comfort in simple company. it comes to him easy here, with her, as if they’ve winded back in time.

Send “✆” for a MORNING text.

( kkt // 수아 ) totally didn’t mean to fall asleep on you last night( kkt // 수아 ) breakfast on me?( kkt // 수아 ) still wanna hear the rest of that story ㅎㅎ

Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT.

( kkt // 수아 ) do you ever think about what would’ve happened if we never quit?

Send “☎” for a RUSHED text.

( kkt // 수아 ) cramming 10 min before this exam destroys me ill talk to u later xox

Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text.

( kkt // 수아 ) wh y is everything spinngn

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text.

( kkt // 수아 ) that’s hot

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text.

( kkt // 수아 ) sua suaaa( kkt // 수아 ) i know you’re not sleeping. let’s go out

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text.

( kkt // 수아 ) that was really dumb of you but alright

Send “#” for a RANDOM text.

( kkt // 수아 ) this chick just took the last can of coffee from the vending machine( kkt // 수아 ) how am i supposed to get through this lecture?( kkt // 수아 ) it’s okay to skip, right? i feel like it’s okay to skip

Send “@” for a SCARED text.

( kkt // 수아 ) my bathroom light just turned on by itself( kkt // 수아 ) i’m so freaked out sua, i’m about to crash my neighbor’s place( kkt // 수아 ) i don’t even know him

Send “&” for a LOVING text.

( kkt // 수아 ) 오구오구 울수아가 젤이쁘지 당근이짘ㅋㅋ

Send “%” for a CURIOUS text.

( kkt // 수아 ) if i ever wanna take off to france, you’ll come with?

Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text.

( kkt // 수아 ) an entire box of chocolates and like 3 bottles of wine?? YUP( kkt // 수아 ) you’re coming over

Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text.

( kkt // 수아 ) fuck him, forget it all