#parentalstruggle

Well here we are on Day 4 already, feels like longer I KNOW, but it really is only Day 4 of Homeschooling, and my oh my…. how much we have learnt already about not only ourselves and our fellow humans “on the outside” (Outlanders as we like to call them)— but also spouses, partners and our little adorable live in Crotch Fruits and Vagina Trophies (if we have them)…..

Its not all been bad, some parts have been quite fun and I know we will look back on this time fondly in the years to come. We are all speaking to people that we would usually not, taking time to connect with friends and family, appreciating everyone and everything a little more, and grateful for the basics such as health, family, toilet tolls. But where is the fun in that, I personally need an outlet to moan and for my dark humour to deal with this situation or I will go insane.

Today I have started to look at “The stages of adaption to Captivity” and these are — 1) Startle 2)Panic, 3) Disbelief 4) Hyper vigilance 5)Resistance/Compliance 6) Depression and then finally they Gradual acceptance.

The stages of recovery are 1) Brief Euphoria 2) Hyper arousal 3) Compliance 4) Denial 5) restitution 6) readjustment.

So we have good times coming everyone whoop whoop!!! Really randy and not caring we are all hairy, perfect!! So Belgium is either going to be the place to be or the place to avoid after lockdown after I was sent this news article by a Belgium friend…

So we started Day 4 with really good intentions…. I loaded up the email the school had sent with stuff for the boys to learn, Emily was being all diligent and working. Derek was on a Video conference. I had put a Bra on. BOOOOOM! WE WERE ON FIRE THIS MORNING!

One of the activities the children selected was to watch the live cam of Animals in a Zoo, they chose a Panda, and the irony was not lost on me that my children in captivity were watching an animal in captivity — so I took a photo of mum watching in captivity. It was quite trippy as I had had 5 cups of coffee by this stage! Life imitating Art imitating life, and I wondered if so the Animals didn’t get bored and lonely they had screens in the cages for them to watch humans at home. A question I will likely never have answered.

So the boys managed a whole 14 minutes of homeschooling before they lost interest and I started to get stress hives. I thought “Come on Leanne, think outside the box, turn a disadvantage to an advantage… positive in everything… let’s make this educational AND beneficial…”. Looking at the household chores (there is a wide scope of choice…) thought we would go with fine motor skills, textiles and organisational skills. So I had them gathering the washing from around the house and putting anything that was coloured and that needed a wash straight into the machine….. It did not end well.

So I then went with Fine Motor skills and sorting…. Which involved us attacking the washing from the other end of the cycle and having the boys sort out the clean washing into individual household members bags and making deliveries. And also pairing the HUGE sock bag (which we are preparing for odd socks to be used as Toilet Paper if the Tesco order doesn’t come through on Sunday…)

Alex would only match as long as the chocolate eggs held out, and so we now have around 5 pairs of socks as I had already eaten most of the eggs whilst hiding in a cupboard around 9.15am. But on the plus side the odd sock bag is brimming over with “Bum socks”! Positive in everything!

I honestly thought my oldest crotch fruit was diligently beavering away on her school work, but I think she has been preparing for rough times — which really is quite commendable and forward thinking of her. I was slightly peeved when she came downstairs and questioned me as to whether I would be getting dressed at any point today (I must already point out that I had a Bra on, and a tracksuit. Not like we are expecting guests is it!?). And she had been upstairs fashioning post apocalyptic chic outfits whilst creating tiktoks….

This does make it look like I was doing something productive all day — but I really wasn’t, and I am so aware that others are really struggling as much as me. We did as much as we could, half hearted effort for 14 minutes, and then the children watched TV, Ipads, went on the trampoline, ran around in underpants etc for the rest of the day whilst my husband and I worked — as we still have to do full time jobs and we are not super heroes.

Our children are totally out of routine and that is fine, its not forever, and how can you keep them in routine when the routine is gone.They are not as tired as not as active so come nighttime they will be sent to be with devices so that I can have an evening and some time to just fucking decompress and be quiet in my own head and watch some mindless shit. And I am not going to pretend otherwise. And I had my first drink at 5pm.

It is great that so many others are trying to remain normal and keep up the momentum with the homeschooling, and it is great if you are accepting that you cannot do it and it isn’t you and it’s all gone to shit. And it is bloody amazingly great if you are just surviving and taking each day as it goes. Be kind to yourself, if you need to cry, laugh, moan, shout, be positive, feel defeated it’s all normal and you can bet that at any given time that millions of others will be feeling the same way. Just try and communicate whatever you are feeling with someone else, physical connection could be our downfall, but mental connection could be the making of us.

   As a parent, naturally we want whatever it is that is best for our children, We want us to be the best for them, We all have an idea of what that looks like in our head. For some it comes naturally, some have to work for what others claim is instinct, there are also others that come from a line of abuse. The cycle gets passed down from parent to child, who passes it down.

    I am apart of the group that comes from a line of abuse. I try every single day to break the chain. I don’t want to be that parent, I don’t want my son(s) to be either, nor could I stand to see them this way and know it’s because I didn’t break the chain. Some days are easier than others. On the hard days when I don’t mean to be more snappy, or angry for reasons I’m unaware of I break down. I become so hard on myself. Everything else feels like it’s all crashing down around me, I get consumed by the anxiety. It just keeps escalating and I yell at myself as I cry in my hands wishing I was different. Then it comes to me, like a recurring epiphany;

     Give yourself a break!! Just take in a deep breathe. Center yourself as you’re reminded that you are just one parent. That you’re doing the best you can and that great! That part of us is living inside of our core. It will take time to control it. Even if the struggle stays with you, at least you can declare without a hesitation that you did your best. 

      I’ve been a mom to my son for only 3 short years. I’m not even close to being able to fully catch myself when the chain of hurt kicks in, but i am determined to fight it. I apologize every time I slip up, I cry or do whatever it is I need to release that negative energy in a positive way ( which is often much easier said than done), then I brush myself off and restart. It makes me feel so insane sometimes, but it’s okay.