As a parent, naturally we want whatever it is that is best for our children, We want us to be the best for them, We all have an idea of what that looks like in our head. For some it comes naturally, some have to work for what others claim is instinct, there are also others that come from a line of abuse. The cycle gets passed down from parent to child, who passes it down.
I am apart of the group that comes from a line of abuse. I try every single day to break the chain. I don’t want to be that parent, I don’t want my son(s) to be either, nor could I stand to see them this way and know it’s because I didn’t break the chain. Some days are easier than others. On the hard days when I don’t mean to be more snappy, or angry for reasons I’m unaware of I break down. I become so hard on myself. Everything else feels like it’s all crashing down around me, I get consumed by the anxiety. It just keeps escalating and I yell at myself as I cry in my hands wishing I was different. Then it comes to me, like a recurring epiphany;
Give yourself a break!! Just take in a deep breathe. Center yourself as you’re reminded that you are just one parent. That you’re doing the best you can and that great! That part of us is living inside of our core. It will take time to control it. Even if the struggle stays with you, at least you can declare without a hesitation that you did your best.
I’ve been a mom to my son for only 3 short years. I’m not even close to being able to fully catch myself when the chain of hurt kicks in, but i am determined to fight it. I apologize every time I slip up, I cry or do whatever it is I need to release that negative energy in a positive way ( which is often much easier said than done), then I brush myself off and restart. It makes me feel so insane sometimes, but it’s okay.
To all parents out there who struggle, who feel alone; you’re not. You’re also not horrible parents for struggling, for not being that image you have inside your head of what an ideal parent is. The love, support, and determination we put towards our children and our families make us great already.
