A few days ago my family and I were going over some financial stuff.

There was a scholarship application. It wanted me to write a few things, which I did, but the whole time my mum was having me edit it.

Both my parents majored in communications and have had experience in that field for years so I trust their judgement, but...

The main thing she was having me censor was my connection to the LGBTQIA+ community. Still write about my experience, the people I made friends with, the people I tried to help, just not that I was also someone affected.

She didn't want me to give the main institution any other name (which I've made a compromise with via a nickname) when I originally applied, I've noticed now how when I'm in her house she makes me change parts of my outfit before I leave, she brings a lot of emphasis to how I'm supposed to be in a way I'm sure is meant to be loving.

A few days before that there was an instance where someone else got to do something that she chides me for doing all the time and she called it "love." I asked why when I didn't it wasn't love and she told me, "You're not a [opposite of gender assigned at birth]."

While writing the prompt, I ripped off the band-aid and asked her why she didn't want me talking about my full experience.

"The world's not as accepting as you think it is. I'm protecting you."

I know it's not accepting. That's why there's so much emphasis on making it more accepting, right?

I think I understand where she's coming from. One of her best friends growing up was someone who was gay. She's probably see first hand how they treated him and doesn't want that for me. He died when she was still a teenager during the aids crisis.

She doesn't want me to leave a papertrail for someone to find and use against me. It's not just queer stuff either.

My whole life I've been told, "Don't give people ammunition."

Be incredibly careful about what you say, who will hear/see it, leave few records, don't make any art that could be misinterpreted as a cry for help...

oh my god...

And... and then I made it my personal rule to not post my face anywhere online. My friends are frustrated because I dance around stuff instead of actually talking about it. And I'm doing this because there's no one I can talk to...

therapy has always been a really taboo subject in my family's house

therapy leaves a papertrail...

I probably shouldn't even be doing this. I need to make sure this account stays separate.

I don't want to hide forever, but she's also right I could be self sabotaging myself in ways I don't even realize yet.

If all of these disappear one day this is why.

...