#panproblems

a few days ago, my brother declared aloud that “janelle monae is Gay”. que my mother’s outward disbelief, my mutter of “she’s not gay” while attempting to awkwardly shift the subject of conversation, prompting said brother to google and declare that he was correct, followed by a pause & a clarification: “i mean, what she actually says is that weird thing where she’ll sleep with anyone”. (sidenote: both my mother & this brother know i am pan as i was outed to them about a year ago, which i DON’T wanna get into). next day, my mother expressed scornful exasperation at my mention of a my favorite literature night class where i had met many of my queer friends at college. paired w/t an awkward possible romantic attraction surrounding my only male friend, the declaration of my friendship w/t the only cis/het female friend i have who is openly supportive of my sexuality as “ extremely toxic” by my family, & my continuing inability to come out to the only cis/het female friend i have yet to come out to, i am basically a goldfish tank of sloppy awful sickening Emotions.

that said... this is weird but i’m kind of depressed & it’s because i don’t feel validated in my identity as pansexual. i know i’m not “supposed” to say that & i’m not “supposed” to be validated by other ppl but recently i can’t help but wonder if i’m real???

i DO light up inside when i see posts say “bi/pan” instead of just “bi”. i Know IDing as bi is far more common than as pan but still. & i DO feel sunken and hollow more and more when i fail to see that. i feel truly scraped raw inside over a sudden realization that support for pan people seems flimsy & skin-deep. maybe i’m not as involved in circle that emphasize bi/pan solidarity as i should but... i feel weird about seeking it out. i feel like i’m always making excuses about myself. i question whether i am Actually a deeply repressed lesbian & in denial. i have tried many, many times to identify as bi & even came out as such to my little brother because that was the only thing he knew about from television which i could explain to him. yet i Know i am not bi, but rather, am pan. i can’t explain it & i can’t justify it.

& this is where i am ashamed.

i am ashamed because i question whether i am straight. whenever i post or reblog or involve myself with queer debate, i feel like an interloper. in essence? i don’t feel queer. i don’t feel seen or real like i used to & i don’t fully understand why i can’t self-validate anymore. i feel very lonely and sad and i just wish i was bi or a lesbian because then i wouldn’t have to feel perplexed & in turmoil.

Damn, I just came out as pan (but not the rest of my weird ass sexuality) to a person who is not very knowledgeable about LGBTQ+. The whole conversation was kinda awkward but they were kinda hitting on me and I just wanted to let them know upfront what they were getting into.

Me to my str8 m8s: But the gay doh!

Str8 M8: I thought you were bi though?

WHY ARE GUYS SO CUTE

WHY ARE NON BINARY PPL SO ATTRACTIVE

WHY ARE GENDER FLUID BABES SO BABEALISHIOUS

WHY ARE TRANS GIRLS SO BEAUTIFUL

WHY ARE TRANS BOYS SO ENTRANCING

Friend with homophobic parents: Ok, I know that it's wrong, but would it be possible for you to, ya know, tone down your sexuality a bit when you meet my parents?

Me, waving a pan flag and wearing all of the pins ever: Uh, sure!