#panic attacks are fun

but eventually i started crying and telling her i wanted to go home. she pretty much ignored me. i wasn’t having a panic attack yet, i was just crying.

finally i started sobbing (bc of her driving) and was almost begging to go home. she said that after we went to where we needed to go that we would go to walmart to get me a new phone (cause i haven’t had one for about 3 months), i just cried my eyes out and said i didn’t care about a new phone, that i just wanted to go home.

then finally, after crying most of the way where we were going, when she drove off the road a bit, i fully lost it. my chest got hot, my hands started tingling, i felt numb, i felt like i was gonna pass out, i was sobbing, i started hyperventilating, my clothes felt...wrong for some reason, i kicked the floor board a few times, i was sitting all the way in my seat with my legs pulled up as close as they would get to me, i was basically curling into myself, and i was pressing my hands over my ears (i had headphones in and i was trying to block out...i don’t know, noise. but i still did it when i didn’t have my headphones in cause i took them off when i started having the panic attack).

and like...my mom didn’t seem to care. she put her hand on my shoulder once and i pulled away from her.

like i’m still so fucking surprised that i didn’t just hit the goddamn ground when i finally got out of the car.

but the thing that pisses me off, is that i’ve told her time and time again that her driving scares the shit out me, word for word, and i’ve cried on other occasions bc of her driving but this was the first time i’ve had a full fledged panic attack.

she went to walmart and left me at the house we needed to go to bc i told her i wasn’t going, that if she wanted to go and look for me the phone i wanted, sure, but i refuse to go. she came back (they didn’t have the phone i wanted) and gave me a card and two t-shirt to “cheer me up” which just felt like a slap in the face bc she hadn’t really acknowledged my panic attack, kinda made me feel like i had overreacted (cause i think she said something to my dad along the lines of “she’s just stressed”and just didn’t say anything else to me about it.)

like now i’m terrified to get in a car with her. (bc if i want to go somewhere i have to have her take me since i don’t have my license yet, yeah i’m 18 but my driving anxiety is so much worse now yet i’m actually okay with driving, but i still don’t like it for multiple reasons).