#pagtanggap

Because this time, I'm willing to learn.

It's crazy how a lot has change in a few days, or weeks. Things has turned out for the worst. Or maybe, if I am able to see it in a way, can be for the best.

It's sad that I'm losing a lot of friends. People who used to matter to me. People who I thought will be there for me through thick and thin. Even though they aren't my best friends, I was still expecting them to at least notice one odd behavior of mine... and offer their shoulder for me to lean on. Because sometimes, problems feel too painful that I can't get words out of my mouth.

Everything is critically endangered in my life and I honestly think that I'm not doing anything to heal or fix it. I'm merely letting days pass me by. But I don't. I am doing something. And one of my strategies is to just let my mind and body take wherever they want me to be.

I'll wait for the right time to strike, and when I do, that's it.

On second thought, I don't think this is a good strategy at all. But that doesn't mean that I'm not trying.

That I didn't tried.

⚜ 3:18AM, 06 | 26 | 20

I understand why that's my strategy.

As a person who undergo abuse, carrying traumas, unresolved issues, and still experiencing abuse, I'm drained of energy.

hindi ito katwiran para masabing hanggang diyan ka lang

hindi rin sapat na dahilan para huminto nang tuluyan

sapagkat higit sa lahat, matapang kang sumusuko sa labang alam mong kailangan nang bitawan

at bukas na ang loob sa pagtanggap sa kahinaang matagal mo nang pinagtatakpan

I never knew that I can actually enjoy living without all of you. Back then, I thought to myself, "Sainyo ako nababagay. We're all meant to be. Gusto kong nandito kayo... magkakasama tayo habang-buhay."

I understand why I thought and felt that way. I've been neglected by someone that I deeply cared about before and I don't want that to happen again. I remember swearing to myself, "I'll find better friends while I grieve about about you, L. My first best friend in this school."

I've befriended new people. I am happy that I'm able to take the time getting to know them. I vibe with them and because of that, my friendship with them are genuine. I also managed to reconnect with some of my friends both from our school and the public school I used to study at in elementary. They view me as a nice person even though back in the day, I was definitely immature...

It's nice. I am glad that I was able to have a distance between all of you. Healing became easier.

And it turns out, hindi lang naman pala kayo ang tao sa mundo na mapapakisamahan ko. There are billions of them and I'll meet them in the future. Nagsisimula na siya ngayon.

Sana mas mabuti sila kaysa sa inyo.

I hope I can meet my lifetime friends, the love of my life, and be okay.

Someday.

I believe it. I believe that things will get better.

It will get better, with how I expect them to be or not.

♡ 10:58AM, 07 | 10 | 20

Mayroon nang impeksyon ang sugat ko.

I want to feel the magic of the joys of writing... again.