#nararapat

Because this time, I'm willing to learn.

It's crazy how a lot has change in a few days, or weeks. Things has turned out for the worst. Or maybe, if I am able to see it in a way, can be for the best.

It's sad that I'm losing a lot of friends. People who used to matter to me. People who I thought will be there for me through thick and thin. Even though they aren't my best friends, I was still expecting them to at least notice one odd behavior of mine... and offer their shoulder for me to lean on. Because sometimes, problems feel too painful that I can't get words out of my mouth.

Everything is critically endangered in my life and I honestly think that I'm not doing anything to heal or fix it. I'm merely letting days pass me by. But I don't. I am doing something. And one of my strategies is to just let my mind and body take wherever they want me to be.

I'll wait for the right time to strike, and when I do, that's it.

On second thought, I don't think this is a good strategy at all. But that doesn't mean that I'm not trying.

That I didn't tried.

⚜ 3:18AM, 06 | 26 | 20

I understand why that's my strategy.

As a person who undergo abuse, carrying traumas, unresolved issues, and still experiencing abuse, I'm drained of energy.

I never knew that I can actually enjoy living without all of you. Back then, I thought to myself, "Sainyo ako nababagay. We're all meant to be. Gusto kong nandito kayo... magkakasama tayo habang-buhay."

I understand why I thought and felt that way. I've been neglected by someone that I deeply cared about before and I don't want that to happen again. I remember swearing to myself, "I'll find better friends while I grieve about about you, L. My first best friend in this school."

I've befriended new people. I am happy that I'm able to take the time getting to know them. I vibe with them and because of that, my friendship with them are genuine. I also managed to reconnect with some of my friends both from our school and the public school I used to study at in elementary. They view me as a nice person even though back in the day, I was definitely immature...

It's nice. I am glad that I was able to have a distance between all of you. Healing became easier.

And it turns out, hindi lang naman pala kayo ang tao sa mundo na mapapakisamahan ko. There are billions of them and I'll meet them in the future. Nagsisimula na siya ngayon.

Sana mas mabuti sila kaysa sa inyo.

I hope I can meet my lifetime friends, the love of my life, and be okay.

Someday.

I believe it. I believe that things will get better.

It will get better, with how I expect them to be or not.

♡ 10:58AM, 07 | 10 | 20

Matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap. Huling mensahe ko sayo, padadalhan na lang kita ng online letter na ginawa ko sa Microsoft. Nawalan na ako ng ganang gawin yan... iniisip ko na hindi na kita dapat gawan pa niyan dahil hindi na karapat-dapat na maghirap pa ako para sayo.

Wala ka nang pakielam. Ilang araw na ang nakakalipas. Ilang linggo na ang nakakalipas. Malapit na matapos ang buwan na 'to, ang buwan ng Mayo na inakala kong magiging masaya na magkasama tayo. Hindi pala. Malungkot pala ang buwan na 'to. Wala siyang kulay, o kulay ba ang malamaya? Hindi ko alam. Basta yan na lamang ang nakikita ko sa paligid at wala nang iba.

Dati, malapit na malapit tayo sa isa't isa. Hindi ko na malinaw na naalala ang bawat pinagsamahan natin ngunit naalala ko kung gaano ako kasaya simula nang nagkausap tayo. Ngayon, sino ang mag-aakala na magiging ganito na tayo? Hindi na nagpapansinan. Wala ng kibo. Wala ng imik. Dadating din pala ang panahon na mawawala ka na rin sa akin.

Noong isang linggo pa ako bumitaw.

Mahirap bumitaw. Ang hirap mong bitawan. Mahirap kang bitawan. Umiyak ako sa banyo habang mahigpit ang kapit sa balde namin na may katamtamang laki. Inilalabas ko ang mga hinanakit at pinakikiusapan ang sarili na bumitaw na't dahil hindi na mangyayari ang mga inaasahan ko.

'Huwag na akong umasa,' sabi ko sa sarili ko. 'Nasa nakaraan na ang lahat. Lumipas na ang masasayang ala-ala natin kasama siya. Hindi na mangyayari ang kung anong gusto nating mangyari.'

'Please bumitaw ka na. Nagmamakaawa ako sayo, bumitaw ka na. Tama na. Sapat na ang sakit. Tama nang masaktan ka. Hanggang dito na lamang na masasaktan tayo muli.'

Sa pagsasabi ko nito, paunti-unti kong niluluwagan ang hawak ko sa balde na nang mga oras na 'to, nagsisilbing ikaw sa aking imahinasyon. Isa-isang bumitaw ang aking mga daliri ngunit muli akong kumakapit. Kaya, paulit-ulit ko ring pinakiusapan ang sarili kong bumitaw. Hindi ko minadali ang sarili ko. Hinintay ko tanggapin ang sitwasyon na hindi na nga naaayon ang mga pangyayari sa mga kagustuhan ko.

Pagtapos kong maligo, saka ko napagtanto na bumuti ang pakiramdam ko dahil sa pag-iyak.

I want to feel the magic of the joys of writing... again.