Jul 18, 2019
Apparently I have a gene abnormality, MTHFR.
That’s why I keep miscarrying, so... my doctor put me on a couple meds that should keep me pregnant, if I can get pregnant again.
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Apparently I have a gene abnormality, MTHFR.
That’s why I keep miscarrying, so... my doctor put me on a couple meds that should keep me pregnant, if I can get pregnant again.
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Well, today’s the day. Wish me luck?
I’m not hopeful but Michael is... I really hope his heart doesn’t get broken, again, later...
If anything, I’m glad that this miscarriage wasn’t as traumatic... the first one, I was almost fifteen weeks, we had already announced it, and the only reason we found out was because we went to find out the sex of the baby. Otherwise I would’ve been oblivious til eighteen weeks.
This one, I only knew about for a few days... but those few days were just SO joyous. I was so excited. Every day, at eleven eleven in the morning and at night I would wish, “please, let me carry this baby, please, let me keep this baby, please...” It was only four or five wishes, but, not granted obviously. And this time my body took care of it on its own, without the surgery, which I guess I should be grateful for too.
But now I’m mourning again, and I don’t want to tell everyone, oh yeah, I miscarried again, because I feel like they’d just think I’m looking for attention. The only people who know are my doctors (obviously) and my husband, and my parents and sister. Plus you guys.
Sorry I keep posting about it. I’m just so in shock, such disbelief, that it happened again. A second, consecutive miscarriage. Another little angel baby I’ll never get to hold...
How is it people can accidentally get pregnant, when I’ve been trying for a year with medication and charting ovulation and temperature and everything? I don’t get it?
It’s not fucking fair.
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I just got invited to a baby shower, by a friend who told me when I first got pregnant “oh at least you weren’t trying for very long” when we had been trying for the better part of a year, AND I have endometriosis and ovulatory dysfunction for which I was on medication for, and then when I announced the miscarriage she messaged me with a message saying “oh well I had a false positive so I can kind of get it.”
Like, I’m sorry, but no, you don’t get it? I’m sure a false positive is heartbreaking, but she told me she only thought she was pregnant for a few days before she got her period. I was in my second trimester. I SAW my baby, I HEARD her heartbeat, she was moving and everything.
I’m not trying to say my loss is bigger or worse than hers, but... it’s just not the same. And then to be invited to her baby shower like I’m fine, when it’s literally only been a month? Am I supposed to be over it by now? Sorry, didn’t get that memo.
It just hurts. I still cry every day. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it because everyone expects me to be over it. I miss that little girl so much and I never even got to meet her. I’ll always miss her.
I am happy for my friend, that she has a healthy pregnancy, that she gets to meet her daughter in a couple of months. But I think I can be upset by the comments she made to me, first saying I wasn’t trying for “long enough” and then to compare a false positive to a second trimester loss. I may be crazy with grief right now, but I believe my feelings are valid.
Well, let’s hope third times the charm?
I could cry.