#over-apologizing

Stop Over-Apologizing at Work

If you’re anything like me, you were raised to apologize way too often. I grew up in the American Midwest, Land of the Rising Ope. Socially, we value politeness above all else (corn subsidies and casseroles excluded, obviously). I never thought critically about how much I was apologizing. Until, without realizing it, “sorry” became my default response to every conceivable situation, whether positive, negative, or neutral.

This habit was especially noticeable at work. For years, I unconsciously gravitated towards soft, supple, accommodating language in every communication I sent, lest my coworkers find me bitchy and unlikable. It was tedious, but I truly thought I was being a polite, flexible communicator.

In reality, I was sabotaging myself.

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NEW POST! Stop Over-Apologizing at Work

Over-apologizing at work is a plague among our core demographic of readers (young people, women, judgmental introverts). If you’re anything like me, you were raised to apologize way too often. I grew up in the American Midwest, Land of the Rising Ope. Socially, we value politeness above all else (corn subsidies and casseroles excluded, obviously). I never thought critically about how much I was…

What if that trait you’ve always considered just part of your personality—being “too sensitive” or “fiercely independent”—isn’t really who you are? What if it’s actually trauma silently controlling your responses? Trauma doesn’t always announce itself through dramatic flashbacks or panic attacks. It often hides in our everyday behaviors, reflexive reactions, and even our quirks. These…

I've just been thinking about this. You either over- apologize, or you know somebody who does, right?

It's annoying, or so I hear. I once had a guy I wasn't dating threatened to pre-break up with me over my apologizing. I apologize a lot.

When someone apologizes to me, I accept their apology by saying, "It's okay."

If I feel like they didn't need to apologize, I say, "You don't need to apologize."

Is that weird?

As a person who apologize a lot, it seems like the most common reply is, "That's okay," so to me, "That's okay," implies an acceptance of an apology. And accepting an apology implies that the apology was necessary.

So, if you apologize all the time, and people constantly confirm to you that your apology was necessary, you start to apologize even more. You've lost track of what you're apologizing for. Whatever bad thing you need to be sorry about is just water flooding a boat with a hole in the bottom, and apologies are the too-small pale your using to dump out the water.

Then people get annoyed, and say, "Why do you apologize so much?" Well, because the need has been confirmed multiple times.

So... the points I'm getting to...

If your an over-apologizer, people might be inadvertently confirming that you need to apologize, although they didn't actually think it was necessary. Every time you do, you punch your own self esteem right in the gut.

If you're annoyed with an over-apologizer, acting irritated just confirms their conviction that they are terrible and need to apologize. If you say, "That's okay," you might be confirming that they need to apologize. If you want to help them, try, "There is no need to apologize."

I suspect I'm not alone in that the reason I over apologize is because I have a low self esteem and am trying to overcome an epic inferiority complex stemming from childhood trauma and emotional abuse.

We are too apologetic. As a society. 

How often do you say to someone in the aisle of a grocery store, “I’m sorry,” with a squinched up face simply because you’re passing them? Or something like that. It seems like a lot of people do. I do it. 

We need to have more confidence. We have every right to be in that aisle. Just as much as anyone else. Just say, “Excuse me,” and pass on through. You’re not doing anything wrong. Your existence isn’t a problem for anyone else.

Our confidence issues also affect how we handle criticism or correction. It seems that many can’t stomach hear mild correction or even guidance. We can’t grow if we aren’t taking guidance or correction well.  We’re not a problem for anyone else. We’re not bad people just because we needed to be told to do something in a different way. We simply need to take the advice/guidance/criticism.  As a result of people not taking correction well others are getting worse at giving correction. It seems like many of us are hesitating more and more to give notes or critiques or even guidance, which isn’t necessarily negative, because we’re worried about the response we’ll get. This results in less practice at addressing an issue, which can make us do a poor job of addressing something when it needs to be.

Let’s all relax. Take it easy on ourselves and others. Make it easy for ourselves and others by just relaxing. 

Take it easy, make it easy. 

Let’s make that our motto for a little while. Things would go so much smoother.