#out4self

I awoke this morning feeling a sense of dread and contemplating ways to fix myself. In my solitude of the day I began to think of why I was feeling like the world outside somehow had it in for me. All of things that I hold dear in my life in that moment, and I just felt like I needed to find out why these emotions were taking me underwater. I was drowning in my sorrow of being alone at almost 40, in two and half days I will cross the threshold into "age" and in truth, I am frightened by this. 

When I was in my twenties life seemed so rich and full, then I entered my thirties and life became a bit more exiting, but now as I take steps toward being 40 life feels like sands in an hour glass, because I was never alone. I didn't have moments of "me" time, I never had to worry about an expensive dinner at a swanky restaurant, or a passionate evening of sexual pleasure, because there was always a man there. When my ex-boyfriend decided he needed to move, I got stuck, I couldn't move, how was I going to take steps without being an "us"? Food lost it's flavor, restaurants lost their appeal, and self pleasure was not really pleasure at all for me. Then as I made my round back to my car as I jogged, the thought hit me, perhaps the reasons why I am feeling this was has less to do with turning 40 and being single and more to do with never experiencing a relationship with myself. How funny, I thought, even chuckled as I continued to jog, the nerve of me thinking that I was somehow down because I have never been in a relationship with myself. 

Sure, I have broken up with myself numerous times, I mean I ended my dieting dates, my empty promises of getting more sleep, I have even said "Nikki, I promise I work less and spend more vacation time with you", but really, do those break-ups even count? I came to the realization of yes, they do count, why are those non-committal issues less important? I asked myself, and it is because I have never experienced "single life". I have been endlessly floating towards the shore without ever really knowing how to swim towards it, because as I float the currents carry me away from who I truly am on the shore. I rushed home, eager to please "her", I asked "her" what she wanted for breakfast, and I made a date with "her" this afternoon to visit one of the beautiful wineries where I live, and I even promised "her" that I would say something encouraging every day for the rest of "her" life to lift "her" spirits.

I awoke this morning feeling a sense of dread and contemplating ways to fix myself. In my solitude of the day I began to think of why I was feeling like the world outside somehow had it in for me. All of things that I hold dear in my life in that moment, and I just felt like I needed to find out why these emotions were taking me underwater. I was drowning in my sorrow of being alone at almost 40, in two and half days I will cross the threshold into "age" and in truth, I am frightened by this. 

When I was in my twenties life seemed so rich and full, then I entered my thirties and life became a bit more exiting, but now as I take steps toward being 40 life feels like sands in an hour glass, because I was never alone. I didn't have moments of "me" time, I never had to worry about an expensive dinner at a swanky restaurant, or a passionate evening of sexual pleasure, because there was always a man there. When my ex-boyfriend decided he needed to move, I got stuck, I couldn't move, how was I going to take steps without being an "us"? Food lost it's flavor, restaurants lost their appeal, and self pleasure was not really pleasure at all for me. Then as I made my round back to my car as I jogged, the thought hit me, perhaps the reasons why I am feeling this was has less to do with turning 40 and being single and more to do with never experiencing a relationship with myself. How funny, I thought, even chuckled as I continued to jog, the nerve of me thinking that I was somehow down because I have never been in a relationship with myself. 

Sure, I have broken up with myself numerous times, I mean I ended my dieting dates, my empty promises of getting more sleep, I have even said "Nikki, I promise I work less and spend more vacation time with you", but really, do those break-ups even count? I came to the realization of yes, they do count, why are those non-committal issues less important? I asked myself, and it is because I have never experienced "single life". I have been endlessly floating towards the shore without ever really knowing how to swim towards it, because as I float the currents carry me away from who I truly am on the shore. I rushed home, eager to please "her", I asked "her" what she wanted for breakfast, and I made a date with "her" this afternoon to visit one of the beautiful wineries where I live, and I even promised "her" that I would say something encouraging every day for the rest of "her" life to lift "her" spirits.