#osrr

today marks ten years since i started these entries.

the day i started was august 7th, 2014.

today is august 7th, 2024.

it doesn't feel like it's been all that long at all.

as i made this realization this morning, i was able to spend the day and think about how i've changed over the last ten years, about the things that have happened, about the person i've become. about what i would say to me ten years ago.

the long and short of it is this:

i grew up.

and i don't like thinking about it that way because that means my childhood is long gone, never to return. that everything from here on out is going to be hard.

so as i sit here crying, mourning that loss that i will never truly recover from, i also reflect on the personal growth i've made.

i have less tolerance for bullshit and i'm not afraid to have opinions. i found a group of people who love me for who i am and not what i can do for them. yes i am living paycheck to paycheck, but i no longer consider myself completely broke. i've gotten better at managing my time and my money. i've earned not one, not two, but three separate degrees, the highest of which was earned from a prestigious university. i have a close relationship with my sister. i've reconnected with some high school friends. i've lost so many other friends due to circumstances i was unwilling to accept any longer. i've loved and lost, but i'm happy to have loved. and even now, i have a partner who i've been with for more than half of the decade! and it's been wonderful.

i've had a dozen different jobs in different industries, i've used my knowledge to help people in a lot of places. i've made friends with people across the world and i've seen people blossom into who they're truly meant to be. and i know that everyone is a work in progress. so am i.

i'm not quite done yet. i'm almost ready to come out of the oven.

and maybe the closet, too.

in all of my thoughts today, the ones that have stood out the most have been of how i treat other people and my mental health. over the years, i've seen people from high school who i didn't really spend time around because they were in the "popular" crowd. i instantly recognized them. they were probably too busy to even try to think of where they might've known my face from. but i've learned that it's important to treat people with kindness, respect, and love, regardless of your personal history with them. that everyone deserves respect and dignity, regardless of who they are. of course, even i have my limits, but those who are out of the limits of my patience and care are usually bigots, fascists, neo-nazis, and any combination of things including any of those parts.

and my mental health - what a difference. it's night and day for how it is in my head. being properly medicated and stable and KNOWING that's it's more than "just depression" or "just anxiety" and having a therapist who understands all of it? it's a game-changer. it's great.

what i would tell myself ten years ago would be mostly about how it ends up and the process of getting there. you end up stable. you get a therapist who you love and who helps you get to the root of the trauma you don't even realize you have yet. you have people who love you more than you even know. people love you for who you are, mental illnesses, disabilities, and all. you take up crafting and d&d and playing games. you meet someone adorable and hilarious and he makes your days brighter. you lose your faith and your friends, but after all the anger and grief, you come out stronger than you ever thought you could be. and despite all of the horrors you see in the world, you're still softer than you think. you count bunnies on the way into work. you cry over your waitress, begging the universe to let her smile freely. you smile at and wave to a perfect stranger who doesn't speak your language on your way back to your car, even after a long day.

there's a lot of pain, yes.

but there is so much more beauty than you can possibly imagine.

see it. feel it. embrace it.

i changed my phone background today while helping my mom finish up the quilt top.

jayvik ruined my life, so now i can curse at them every time i open my phone.

edit: the source is fanart! by @net-prophet here on tumblr who is also @/togatapunch on twitter. i have reblogged the original and removed it from this post.

anyway.

mom and i eventually went out today, but it was legitimately so cold that i wore a jacket out of the house, along with long socks, boots, pants, and a long sleeve shirt. and i was comfy. damn.

i love when it's blustery.

but also the lighting of the sky this afternoon, the wind and the clouds and all of it had a sort of liminal feeling to it that i can't really place. because we live in the northeast us, the days are fairly short now, which means that even going out at 3pm means the sun is far lower in the sky than it should be. it's beautiful, really. this is my favorite time of year.

we stopped for food and snacks and stuff to make us less cold. really we just needed to move the car from its resting spot on the new driveway pavement - what nobody tells you about getting a new paved driveway is that you can't park in the same space for more than 24 hours for six months, AND you shouldn't try to turn your tires while still. it's wild.

coming home we figured out food for thanksgiving and then went directly to making dinner. shepherd's pie. one of my FAVORITE things. so i'm excited to have leftovers. it's one of like two or three things i'll eat leftovers of, of a dish that was fully assembled before it was refrigerated. tacos are something that needs to be assembled, so are tuna and chicken salads. pasta salad can be eaten right out of the bowl in the fridge because it's supposed to be cold, so things like that don't really count since they're different.

anyway.

dinner was delicious. after dinner mom and i watched a few episodes of ncis since we haven't found another or different show to watch.

all day, in the meantime, i've been scrolling through twitter or talking to my sister and yelling about arcane.

i yell.

i got to talk to leo a little bit this evening. i talked to joel earlier. tomorrow i'll get to see joel after work. leo i will see next weekend.

today was a great day! (it's my birthday! ☺️)

unfortunately because i was so exhausted last night, i woke up with a really sore throat that's lasted all day. i took some ibuprofen about it and was sure to drink water but i was snoring last night so it made my throat miserable. yeah.

i got to sleep in! i woke up around 10:30 or so. i knew i had to get up and shower, so i went to do that.

i did wake up to a happy birthday text from both joel and leo. that was nice.

when i went downstairs, i saw all the things i'd intentionally ignored the night before while coming in late - the table was set in purples and pinks and there were balloons and flowers and it was really really nice. my mom always decorates really nicely. it was the first time in a while that i didn't decorate for a party for myself.

once showered and dressed and ready for the day, i went to help my momma with the cooking. we made hand pies and a salad for lunch but to put things in the salad, we needed tomatoes! so i took a box and went out to the garden and picked a bunch of tomatoes. it was an absolutely perfect day - perfectly comfortable with a very light breeze. sunny and bright. i brought them in and they were fresh and juicy and flavorful and generally delicious.

we were making the primavera when people started arriving. in my family, we have family parties for people on the sunday nearest their birthday, and since mine was on a sunday, we got to have it today!

the food was delicious. it was nice to have everyone there to celebrate.

when i'm given cards with things in them, i ignore the things in them in favor of reading the card. cash, checks, gift cards - i will read the card first and then assess. when i was younger i got too distracted by money and didn't finish reading the cards, but no longer.

i was given a good chunk of change so i can save it for any move that occurs.

after eating lunch and socializing for a bit, i was tired, so i went upstairs. i was actually a little chilly, so i grabbed leo's sweatshirt and put it on. i took a nap wearing the sweatshirt, and it worked wonders tbh. i slept so well.

i woke up four hours later or so.

i also immediately started texting leo. he was at work and it was around 8pm so i was happy to talk to him.

i watched some more of the flash with my momma and ate some of the leftover mochi donuts from my date with leo. it was really nice. they were so good, too. and it turns out i like cinnamon, but i don't like apples or sticky food. because i got a cinnamon one and it was so good.

after a bit of watching with momma, i went to bed. i continued talking to leo.

i embroidered some more today while also having dealt with a bunch of crises.

please observe what i spent my time on yesterday and today.

i love them a lot.

i have one more kit to do and i think i'll be good. the roses today were fun to do. i know how to do leaves now.

today my bagel was correct. it was nicer out when i walked into work than it has been in like three weeks.

i walked into a shitshow.

there was a spill that they thought was oil so they had to contain it and they found it was not oil but suspected it to be a bromide from its blue color and smell so our lab services people had to come clean it up.

mercury panels in argentina got disconnected so i yelled at IT over chat until they were restored.

i read an entire webcomic that was very cute.

i DID have my lunch today bc ken said something more than two minutes before he had to go. that was nice.

i was bored most of the day except for the few times i did what i was supposed to.

joel texted me and said he got back to boston and was going to magic tonight. he's home now, i think. i'm glad he's back.

at the end of the day leo showed me some arcade games that i really want to play and some kirby lore and i was just happy to listen.

it was drizzling on my way to my car. i saw eight bunnies.

i stopped for gas and got olive garden for dinner. the girl in the booth next to me was out with her boyfriend for her birthday, and when they took pictures together i snuck my hand in with my fingers in a little heart to photobomb because they were adorable and photobombing is what i do.

dinner was good. i got more chocolate cake that i once again didn't eat. i'm bringing one to work tomorrow.

a bitch is tired. it's me.